Watching The Glee Project’s casting special and first two episodes back to back is an exercise in unbounded cheerfulness and smiley sing-y good times. And drama. Oh, the drama! Spoilers inside, click at your own peril.
The casting special shows the grueling, grinding mill that the aspiring Gleeks must run through in order to be selected. They create videos which they submit via MySpace (MySpace? Is that still a thing?) and YouTube. They stand in line for hours, outdoors, in the cold, hoping to be noticed. They sing for screeners. They sing for selection panels, the stage after the screeners. They do camera tests. They sing for producers. They lay in a plexiglas coffin and are covered with… oh wait. Wrong show. Anyway, they go through a lot. Tears are shed. A lot. “I can’t do this!” is quickly followed by “You have to.” Oh, reality TV. Sometimes I think you just write yourself, don’t you?
At the end of the casting special, we are introduced to the 12 youths with the Golden Ticket. In alphabetical order, they are:
Alex: Also known as “Your Sassy Black Gay Friend,” never without his scarf. Sings somewhere between tenor and soprano. Can sound like a boy, more often sounds like a girl. Sassy.
Bryce: Looks like a Blasian football jock. Never without his doopy knit hat. Rocker with a soft side.
Cameron: Puts the Geek in Gleek. Prototypical geek touches include white tape on the bridge of his glasses, general Brad Majors demeanor. Thick hair. Can do that “sensitive singing” thing without AutoTune™.
Damian: My wild Irish rose. Cuteness plus Irish accent plus he swings like Michael Buble except he has a penis. Wink of death, do not look directly into it. You’ve been warned.
Ellis: Are you there, God, it’s me, Ellis. Eternally cursed to look like she’s ten years old. Personality to match. Does not realize that with a few tweaks she could go into a lucrative Bjork impersonation career.
Emily: I’m Latina! I’m spicy! Caliente! Selena! Sexy! Hey, why is everyone sleeping?
Hannah: She’s a big girl, and she’s a ginge. Bonus points for being able to sing without squinching up her face, and she can move.
Lindsay: Shut Up Rachel Berry’s astral projection. No kidding. Must be stopped before she achieves global domination.
Marissa: Ginge. Hawt. Forgettable performances. Needs to figure out how she can get that certain Wessonality™.
Matheus: Cute as a button, abs of steel, four foot nothin, snack or a meal. You decide. Voice can be angelic or devilish by turns. He had better be on Glee, somewhere, or there will be Hell. To. Pay.
McKynleigh: Sings like a dream, easy on the eyes, why don’t the producers love her? Could it be the twee spelling of her name?
Samuel: Tried out for Glee before the show went on the air, was in the finals but was not selected. Resembles a SleeStak from Land Of The Lost. Wears pink a lot.
In the first full episode, the cast works with Darren Criss. The mini-challenge (why does every competition have to have a mini-challenge? Project Runway started it, and then it migrated over to Top Chef as the QuickFire Challenge, and now it seems like every reality show needs some mini-challenge to give one contestant an advantage, for some unknown reason) was Stevie Wonder’s “Signed, Sealed, Delivered.” This was delivered as a seated group-sing with each potential Gleek standing up and delivering a line of the song. Snack-wrap Matheus won this mini-challenge for his outstanding delivery of his line. Next, the cast produces a video for Katy Perry’s song, Firework. After all is said and done, the producers decide Ellis needs to grow up (ha ha, she can’t) and she needs to sing for her life. She is assigned “Hey Big Spender” from Sweet Charity, which she delivers in fine form, after having a crying jag in the rehearsal room. Oh, Ellis. Douche-hat wearer Bryce also has to sing to save himself, and he is given Bruno Mars‘ “Just the Way You Are.” Wow, the must have hated his performance to give him that dog. Cuteness Damian, who is totally not related to the kid from the horror movie, must perform Rick Springfield’s “Jessie’s Girl.” Boo to the producers for giving this child a song that was popular 10 years before he was born! Hooray to Damian for learning the song in an hour and changing the song’s lyrics to “I want to be Jessie’s girl.” Swoon. He’s probably not a homogeigh but there’s nothing saying a girl can’t dream, now is there. In the end, douche-hat Bryce must go. Sorry, McKinley High football team, you will not be getting a new quarterback. You’re stuck with Trouty Mouth.
In the second episode, the cast works with Idina Menzel (Hi Mom!). The mini-challenge is to perform Lady Gaga’s “Bad Romance.” Not a bad choice for a bunch of drama-addicted late teen / early 20’s types. Alex wins this round, which means she gets to spend more time with Maureen Johnson a/k/a Idina. The cast goes on to produce a video for the Twisted Sister song, We’re Not Gonna Take It. Sassy Black Gay Friend Alex leads the video, a tribute to bullies and bullying everywhere. No, not really, it’s a fine anthem telling kids to not put up with bullies. Swears. Ellis, McKynleigh, and Matheus are selected to Lip-Synch For Their Lives (oops wrong show) and they are assigned these songs: McKynleigh gets “Piece of My Heart” by Janis Joplin, Matheus gets “Gives You Hell” by the All American Rejects, and Ellis gets “Mac The Knife.” Matheus and Ellis do a fine job on their songs, McKynleigh softens “Piece of My Heart” into something more suited for a performance in a quiet corner of the local Baker’s Square. Interestingly, although she delivered a fine performance, Ellis is not called back for the next episode. Apparently there are only so many times one can say a boatload of negative crap to the producers of a show one is auditioning for, before the producers get tired of it. Also, jazz hands are not necessary for a jazz song. Swears.
So why are we going through all this rigmarole? Two reasons. The first is that whoever “wins” The Glee Project will have a seven-episode story arc on the upcoming season of Glee. The second reason? A lot of dancing around and verbal sparring is done by the producers, since someone put out a rumor that the current cast was being replaced. No, the current cast will be in place this fall… but they’re seniors this year. Apparently we are now being told that Glee started when the current cast of characters were sophomores, so this upcoming season will be their senior year, so they will graduate (well, maybe not Finn, he is teh stoopid) next year, and we will need a new cast, won’t we? So, yes, the current cast is being replaced, but not Right This Hot Second, mmmkay? So don’t worry, fellow Glee fans. We have one more season before Shut Up Rachel Berry is unleashed upon an unsuspecting world. We can all feel safe until then.
