Everyone, please keep your limbs inside the ride until it comes to a complete halt. You have now arrived at the fifth episode of season 9 of Project Runway. Five weeks in already. How time flies, almost as fast as the departing sewtestants. Have we settled into our new routine? Have we become accustomed to seeing misty water-color images of the sewtestants as the judges banter during the show opening? As always, there’s spoilers inside, so click at your own risk!
Time To Die
Remember the season where the sewtestants were taken to an indoor track and Apollo Ohno showed up? And they had to create costumes for the Americans going to the Olympics to wear in the opening ceremonies? Yeah… that’s not happening today. Instead, Heidi is proud to announce her new chain of gyms, Work Makes You Skinny. Location coming near you soon. Sooner than you think, in fact.
To christen the racetrack in Heidi’s sweat-porium, she forces the designers at gunpoint (gun held just out of camera range) to run around the track, once. Gay Ryan Reynolds gets an eldritch gleam in his eye, looks directly at Heidi and says “honey, I will run around this track so fast Marcus Bachmann is going to turn back into a drag queen, mm-hmm, yes, you just watch.”
Meanwhile, Suh-SILL-yuh is shaking her head. She cannot go on. Her id is stomping on her ego while her super-ego is surfing OK Cupid. She can take no more. She approaches Heidi and Tim at the track’s edge. She admits she “tried really hard to go home yesterday,” meaning she tried to throw the challenge so they would auf her rather than Judeece. Unfortunately, Suh-SILL-yuh did not take into account Judeece’s amazing amount of suck. A whole lotta suck went into that coat dress with its insane collar, and it had to go. So, Suh-SILL-yuh bows out, has she forgotten that in the “Meet The Designers episode she swore on her ancestors “she will fight with her spirit until the last drop of blood?” I guess she has “fought to the last drop of blood,” and she was good to the last drop. Buh bye, Suh-SILL-yuh. Buh bye.
Suh-SILL-yuh, I have written a little song for you. Wanna hear it? Here’s how it goes.
Design’s a black art,
You ain’t got no confidence, plainly.
Oh Suh-SILL-yuh,
Go make a chemise,
I’m begging you please to go home,
Go on home!
Heidi fires her antique people-hunting gun and the designers sprint away from her. What’s this? Gay Ryan Reynolds is beating the pack? Marcus Bachmann has set to trembling and a-twitching? Somewhere, under a blood-red moon, the Eyes Of Michele Bachmann flash like lightning and a scream is heard: “Marcus you better get your sweaty paws outta that trunk full of dresses! And where did you get a trunk full of dresses in your size, anyway, you giant overstuffed sofa of a man? Huh?”
As Michele Bachmann screams that last word, a sonic shock wave travels across the land. Ohio Oliver is in a dream world, he’s the best runner ever, and he’s going to win the “Fifty Yard Run Like A Girl” race, yes he is! Hips swiveling and wrists splaying, he is an inspiration to everyone who dreams of creating a false persona in order to cover up how very uninteresting they really are. And yet! Oh, tragedy of tragedies. Ohio Oliver, stunned by Michele Bachmann’s outburst, goes down on the track. Ohio Oliver does the Racetrack Pavement Taste Test. Paramedics are called, and suddenly Ohio Oliver is in real trouble. “Hold me, doctor” he breathes seductively. The EMT, having seen everything by now, “accidentally” leans on a huge bruise on Ohio Oliver’s leg.
Teams is chosen, and it’s always that awkward “oh, who’s gonna get chosen last?” Well, how about professional asshole Miss Bertina, legend of the silent film? Yep, sure enough, Miss Bertina is last picked. Because they only had two contestants, Team Smeagol picks Non Gay Mormon Josh to come back from the dead zone of aufed sewtestants. Nice work, guys. Didn’t want to give Judeece a second chance, or Fallene? No? Okay, then.
The Inevitable Workroom Breakdown
While Miss Bertina did gussy up some gumption to utter the phrase used as the title for this lil ole piece, it was Platinum Blah Girl Blecky who managed to score The Big Workroom Breakdown, this time around. Gay Ryan Reynolds, flush with his success on the track and having a gay ole time with Miss Enya, had picked Blecky cuz she can sew. Her work is dowdy, he says, right to Blecky’s face. Blecky is upset and does the sensible thing, which is to run into the women’s restroom to cry. Oh, Blecky. You’re on TV. You don’t run away from the cameras, and you don’t take your emotions away from Gay Ryan Reynolds.
So of course the cameras follow her and so does Gay Ryan Reynolds, into the women’s room he sashays in his acid green sheer tank top (listen. Gay Ryan Reynolds. I do love a sheer garment and you certainly are all buffed out but honey? Try wearing something that doesn’t look like it came from the 1998 Undergear catalog, mmmkay?) and yes Gay Ryan Reynolds is so getting into that bathroom stall with Blecky and Enya, there is no escaping him. Apparently there are also no standards of decent conduct for this show, because menz going into the ladies room can get you arrested in some states. Gay Ryan Reynolds throws in a decent apology, the team makes up and hugs, huzzah.
Heidi Klum: Rule Maker, Rule Breaker
Tim and Heidi swan into the work room at 8 pm, 3 hours before the sewtestants are supposed to be done working. No one is done with anything, it’s just a room full of hot mess. As they work their way around the room, Tim’s tone gets more strident and Heidi’s accent gets more Teutonic. Stress! Lots of stress! Everyone! Freaking out! Xanax dispenser on the PiperLime Accessory Wall is empty! Someone didn’t use it thoughtfully!
In the middle of all this ish, Non Gay Mormon Josh strolls into the work room, ready to throw it down and show errybody “this girl does not go down without a fight!” He’s gaying it up more than Marcus Bachmann on the opening day of Wigstock. Kadoosh to the Lifetime editing crew for damping down the unicorns and rainbows flittering around Non Gay Mormon Josh as he commits mortal sin after mortal sin, hugging the other sewtestants with all their front parts touching. Side hugs, Non Gay Mormon Josh!
Because there is no way in fresh gay hell that anyone will have a garment ready to show in a couple hours, Heidi decides to flex her muscle as a producer and change the rules mid-stream. She gives everyone until 4 am to finish their work. Of course, this means they will have enough time to go back to Atlas (yay let’s walk through lower Manhattan at 4 am) then take a shower, get changed, and come back to Parson’s. There will be no sleepytime tea for our ragmakers tonight.
The Trip To Hair And Makeup
Hello, Makeup Bear. Your facial hair sculpture is interesting and yet slightly off-balance. Please go see one of the hair-burners and get it fixed. Kay, thanks, bai.
The Runway
Smeagol: Cute motorcycle jacket from 1989, the dress is made out of used windshield cleaner cloths he stole from a dispenser at the gas station around the corner. The unconventional materials challenge was a while back, hon.
Non Gay Mormon Josh: In a non-triumphant return, a rainbow-shirted Josh gives us cute “backpack” detail on the t-shirt, the pants are OK, but a little wrinkly.
Ohio Oliver: Oh look, Oliver gives us a floor-length gray skirt from his new Sister Wives couture. The top with the racer back — not bad.
Bryce: Captain Wee Wee Pad gives us what I think is the best of show. Interesting rivet details and reverse pleats.
Kimberly: Shorts are too short, the jacket rocks in black suede.
Danielle: Queen Yawn strikes again with another slumpy green shirt and yes chiffon! Lined in black silk! She is insane.
Colorblind Uniball: Loosey Goosey gym shorts AND camel toe all in one garment. How do you do it. No, really, how?
Racist Barbie: Girl, your jacket needs sleeves, your shorts are poorly made, the back of that shirt with that black crisscross nonsense. Please get your meds adjusted.
Miss Bertina: Best outfit from Team Uniball. Can’t imagine this as activewear. Bert, you’re still going with the big hair, huh? Let it go.
Gay Ryan Reynolds: Thank you for the upscale hooker look with a shredded vest and — yes! Sheer backed shirt! Did you design this for yourself?
Blecky: Look, sewing lady, you didn’t fight GRR as much as you needed to. Grow a pair in the next challenge.
Enya: Very nice maxi-dress, good use of the fabric, poorly applied zipper detail sorta ruins it.
Who’s In, and Who’s Auf
Once again The Klum Of Doom is breakin’ the law, breakin’ the law — she declares both Gay Ryan Reynolds and Smeagol as the winners. Their garments will be sold under Heidi’s imprint on Amazon.com.
Unfortunately, only one sewtestant could be eliminated this week, and it was Danielle. Bye, bye, Miss Chiffon Yawn Pie. Colorblind Uniball was also in the bottom two but Heidi saved him… for now. She wanted to eliminate him So Very Bad, but was overruled by the other judges. Why couldn’t you flex that producer muscle one more time, Heidi-kins?
Next Week On Project Runway
Heidi introduces the designers to her next new business, Reality TV Day Care Center. Sewtestants, we hope you like kids. A lot. Also, Heidi announces she is going to be a hooker at Halloween. Interesting combination, no?
