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The Bachelor Finale: Yep, We Watched It

by DahlELama and The_Obvious

Hey guys, remember Brad? The Bachelor contestant that all of America somehow thought was a total D-Bag for not proposing to anyone he didn’t want to marry? Well, after a few therapy sessions, he returned for round two of consequence-free polygamy, and last night, in Cape Town, South Africa, he finally shed the rest of the sister-wives and nabbed himself a bride. We won’t bore you with the details of the whole season, as you’re probably familiar with the drill–guy gets a harem, guy kicks girls out of harem one by one, guy is left with two options, one of whom will get the boot and the other of whom will get the rock.

This season’s two final ladies with the best ~~cleavage~~ personalities were the bubbly brunette Chantal O. (yeah, there were two Chantals) and blond Southern Belle Emily. On last night’s finale, the two contestants met Brad’s family, including twin brother Chad (ha, no, seriously), Chad’s superhot wife Dylan, would-be-considered-attractive-in-any-other-family brother Wes, Wes’s wife/first cousin Prima, and Brad’s mom, who did her best to blend into the South African surroundings by dressing like a cheetah.

First up to meet the genetic lottery-winning family was Chantal O. Face, who immediately charmed Brad, Chad, Thad, and Vlad by proving that she was scary-obsessed with their brother/son. Mom and Chantal got better acquainted with some one-on-one time, and after 15 minutes of O. Face discussing how much she loved ~~abs~~ Brad, Mama Womack decided Chantal would make hot grandkids with her son and signaled her approval with a wink and a squeaky noise. The romantic afternoon ended with Brad announcing that he could definitely imagine proposing to Chantal… and couldn’t wait to introduce his family to Emily, the other woman he could also definitely imagine proposing to, maybe.

Before Brad’s family could meet the other love of his life, the Belle Who Never Wore Bottoms, host Chris Harrison stepped in, instructed all of them to look at the flashing light, and told them all they were all there because Brad won a trip to South Africa for his 250 word essay on why pull-ups are superior to chin-ups.

With all memories of Chantal erased, it was time to bring in BelleNoBottoms Barbie. Emily’s meeting was not all bubbles and rainbows, and the awkward getting-to-you-know took a serious turn when she revealed her tragic past. Emily was eighteen when her fiance was killed in a plane crash, and a week later, she discovered she was pregnant with her now-six-year-old daughter, Ricki. Once everyone was done having trouble telling Brad and Emily apart from Chad and Dylan, the questions began as to whether or not Brad was really ready to be a father. However, after he assured everyone that he would make a great dad because he had seen Three Men and a Baby twice, it was determined that Emily was the woman he was meant to be with.

Now, before Brad could decide which woman he wanted to sleep with for the next 3-5 months before publicly breaking up, it was time to take them each on one more unrealistic date. Again, O. Face went first, and Brad abandoned all pretense of affection by literally throwing her to the sharks. Chantal was a good sport, though, pulling off the ‘oh no, this wet suit won’t zip over my boobies!’ move with charm and grace before joining Brad in the cage from which they romantically watched the sharks fin-fiving and doing the ‘that’s-what-i’m-talkin’-bout’ nod as they checked out Chantal’s ample cleavage.

Later that night, Brad and O. Face bonded again, this time over the vomit-inducing kindergarten art project Chantal passed off as some sort of Crayola-and-paste monument to their love that she’d worked on allll night while Brad and BelleNoBottoms got their sexxx on. You see, Chantal had created a map, noting all the places she and Brad had been together, like Kamchatka and East Africa, because she traveled the world with him! And that is super meaningful! Because no one else traveled the world with him! Everyone else just played the board game version of The Bachelor and boned him over Skype while she alone traveled to Anguilla and South Africa! Except not. Anyway, their clothes stayed on the whole time, and that’s when we knew that we’d seen O. Face’s o-face for the very last time.

Then it was Emily’s turn, and because she has a kid and the producers actually care if she lives or dies, her final date was a picturesque helicopter ride. Fortunately for everyone, Emily had left her pants in the other helicopter, but Brad, good sport that he is, didn’t seem to mind. Later that night, however, Brad and Emily got into their first fight, which sounded something like this:

Emily: “Will you take my child to the hospital at 3 am because she sleep walks?”

Brad: “Yes I will. And I will be her true Father.”

Emily: “What does being a father mean to you?”

Brad: “Vague thoughts and ideas I’ve seen on television shows.”

Emily: “YOU KNOW NOTHING. GOOD DAY, SIR!”

Brad: “Listen! Listen! Listen! Vague thoughts and ideas I’ve seen on television shows.”

Emily: “Brad, I just want to make sure that you understand that kids are not fun and go to the ER every day.”

Brad: “So, am I her dad yet?”

Then he walked out, and no sex was had in Africa that night.

~~~

The time had come for Brad to make his choice, leaving one woman inconsolable for at least two hours. It was going to be a tough one. On the one hand, he and Emily had sort of gotten into a fight the night before. On the other hand, he didn’t really like Chantal at all. But on the other hand, no bottoms. But on the other hand, boobs. Drama!

The first limo pulled up, and out stepped Chantal, wearing a shiny black dress with a mess of feathers on one shoulder for luck. Brad did the honorable thing by dragging the dismissal out for a few minutes by listing all the things he loved about her before the big “but,” and to her credit, Chantal didn’t so much as smudge her makeup, probably because she didn’t seem to understand that she was being dumped until Brad finally yelled, “I WANNA BANG EMILY.” He then politely escorted her back to the limo where she was greeted by a nurse who inserted a 99 Bananas drip directly into her arm. As the limo pulled away, the raven on her shoulder could be heard quothing “Nevermore, nevermore.”

Emily’s limo pulled up next, and to make up for a season of pantslessness, she stepped out wearing a modest dress designed by the 15th Duggar daughter. After a bit of stammering and nonsense, her finger was suddenly shiny and we realized they were engaged. In the distance, the faint sound of Toto’s Africa could be heard. Mazel Tov!

Epilogue: Every night Brad sets up the Sony handheld on a tripod before slipping back into bed. He tells Emily it is to help with his withdrawal from not being on camera anymore and she is none the wiser. They are still not married. Fin.

DahlELama and The_Obvious met when she took a bus from Iowa to California and discovered him behind the bar at a Burlesque club. She is now a star, while he wears too much eyeliner and still hasn’t finished a song or appropriately dumped his fiance.

The Amazing Race Recap: Big In Japan

Welcome back to a busy leg of The Amazing Race! In what I think may be a race first, instead of lolling about at a resort until the morning, after the teams checked into the pit stop they were sent on an overnight train ride from The Outback to Somewhere With Airplanes. The Nerds (Zev and Justin) were the first to leave the pit stop and learned that they had to fly to Tokyo, Japan. They reminisced about the last time they were in Japan and had to eat fistfuls of wasabi. Otherwise, they were nonplused by their destination. One person that was super duper OMG! holy cow we’re going to Japan! Did you read that? We’re going to Jah-payyyuuun!!!! Whoooo! was the Daughter half of Father/Daughter. Maybe Japan was on her bucket list, or maybe she just really likes sushi and questionable fashion trends. I don’t know. But she was excited.

Eventually the teams all figured out that there were two flights to Japan–a direct flight that got in at 6:15am, and a connecting flight that got in at 6:00am. Now, I’ve watched enough seasons of TAR to know that you do not risk a connection over fifteen minutes. But despite having actually run the race before, some teams did not know this. People, please. If you’re going on a reality television show, do yourself a favor and watch a few seasons beforehand. You can learn lots of great stuff, like never give away an immunity idol, never make a dress that could be worn by the mother of a bride, and never choose a connecting flight over a direct flight to save fifteen minutes. Sheesh!

The Nerds and the Globetrotters were waffling back and forth between the direct flight and the connecting flight, and eventually decided to go for the one that got in earlier. But, waffling takes time, and time is not your friend on TAR. By the time they went to purchase their tickets for the connecting flight, there were only 2 seats left. What would they do? Flip a coin? Rock, Paper, Scissors? Thunderdome? Nope. The Globetrotters let the Nerds have the last two seats because the Nerds had helped them out with a clue earlier. Have I mentioned that I love these guys?

Along with the Nerds, the “Couple,” The Deaf Kid And His Umbilical Cord, Mel and Mike, and the Cheerleaders all opted to take the connecting flight. The bad news is that there were engine troubles with the connecting flight. The good news is, they were on the ground when they found out about the engine troubles. But it did delay their flight, and I hate to say I told you so (that’s not true, I actually love it), but the direct flight landed first.

Once in Japan, the teams had to drive themselves to city of Kamakura and find the Yabusame Dojo. The parking garage was the coolest thing ever! The cars rotated on a giant Wonder Wheel and spit out of a slot like a vending machine. And for an added bonus, the Globetrotters looked like they were driving a little clown car, which may or may not be part of their basketball routine.

All of the teams seemed to get a bit lost, and Old Yeller started doing his yelling thing again. But, berating his daughter paid off because they got to the Roadblock first. Way to reward bad behavior, TAR.

At the Roadblock, one team member had to participate in a Yabusame training exercise. Old Yeller himself chose to do the Roadblock and was dressed as a samurai and given a bow and arrow. I would not have given an angry, short-tempered old man a weapon, but hey, that’s just me. The Sisters Who Peed In China, the Globetrotters, and Father/Daughter arrived shortly afterwards and got suited up and began practicing the routine which involved some sort of bending exercises and shooting an arrow through a piece of plywood while riding a mechanical bull set to “easy peasy lemon squeezy” mode.

The Sister hit the target first, and that pissed off Old Yeller. Next was Justin. Bam! Hit the target. Then the Father. Old Yeller must’ve been steaming at that. The “Couple”, Mel and Mike, and the Deaf Kid And His Umbilical Cord showed up at the Roadblock just as the Globetrotters completed the task. Finally, Old Yeller let out a yelp and hit the target and his daughter cheerfully exclaimed “good job, Daddy!” What a nice family, I think they’re going to really bond over this experience.

Two teams were missing in action–the Cowboys and the Cheerleaders. The Cowboys were very, very, very lost. Their navigational plan was to drive “south.” I’m not sure if they understood that Japan is an island, and too much driving “south” would lead to a very long swim.

In contrast to the Cowboys’ lackadaisical approach, the Cheerleaders rammed right into another car. They hit a side mirror, and the car’s owner called the police. The Cheerleaders broke a mirror. Ha! Throw them in jail for Extreme Irony (and Horribleness)! Although the police did not throw them in jail (they ordered the Cheerleaders to hug the other driver, figuring forcing these women to be nice was the cruelest punishment of all), the incident did slow down their race considerably.

All teams eventually completed the Roadblock and were sent to a railway station to find a statue and their next clue. The Nerds and Father/Daughter got there first. The teams had a choice between two tasks–Prayer of Purity or Frog of Life. In Prayer of Purity, the teams had to complete a cleansing ritual and then stand under a freezing cold waterfall for one minute. In Frog of Life, teams had to strip down, get into a mud pit, and search for a plastic frog while being pelted with mud by boisterous locals. Please choose Frogs of Life, please choose Frogs of Life, please choose Frogs of Life!

They chose Frogs of Life! Whoo hoo! The task looked absolutely awful. Not only were they looking for a small frog in a mud pit while wearing nothing but a diaper, but the locals were serious about pelting them with mud. The Nerds found the frog first and had to drive to the pit stop in Kuriyama, Japan. Father/Daughter were close on their heels, so to speed things up, the Nerds hopped in their car pantsless. I am now performing a purity ritual on my eyeballs.

Speaking of purity rituals, Old Yeller and the Globetrotters were the only teams to choose this task. I hope the ritual cleansed the evil out of Old Yeller, because he was in rare form. The Globetrotters made quick work of the task and completed the task first. While grabbing their backpacks to leave, they accidentally picked up Old Yeller’s fanny pack which contained Ron and Christina’s passports. Whoops! Realizing their mistake, the Globetrotters left the fanny pack in the changing room. This left Old Yeller fuming because he had spent a few minutes berating his daughter for not being more careful. Good work, Globetrotters! You pushed that man one step closer to the edge.

As the Cheerleaders headed to the frog task, the Nerds were running to the mat. For the second week in a row, the Nerds were team number one. Good for you, pantsless boys! Father/Daughter were next, followed by the Globetrotters and Old Yeller. Old Yeller was not happy about the fanny pack situation and complained to Phil, who gave the Globetrotters a 30 minute penalty. Fair enough I suppose, but still, it was a bit of a snitchy thing to do.

Meanwhile, more digging through mud, more frogs and diapers, and the Cheerleaders finally made it to the mud pit. The sun had gone down, and the only other team left was Mel and Mike. Poor Mel was a wreck. Mike had the good senses to take his father to a nearby ambulance to warm up. Unfortunately, getting into an ambulance is never a good strategy for winning TAR.

The Cheerleaders found the frog pretty quickly, which meant Mel and Mike were the last ones left at the task. The Cheerleaders never saw Mel and Mike in the ambulance, so when they got to the mat, they assumed that they were going to be eliminated. When Phil told them that they were team number nine, something horrible happened. One of the Cheerleaders (I don’t know which one, they both look the same, it’s kind of creeping me out) said “shut the front door!” as a substitute for “shut the fuck up!” No. Just no. There is no place for cleaned up churchy-speak on TAR, and I hope that the next time one of them pulls crap like that, the producers bleep it out so that my ears do not have to be offended by their non-potty-mouths.

Mel and Mike didn’t finish the task and were eliminated. That’s too bad, but it was bound to happen eventually, and Mike did say that he didn’t want to kill his father, so mission accomplished. The teams are off to China for the next leg, where it looks like the “Couple” takes a long drive in the wrong direction. Fun!

So what did you think? Did the Globetrotters deserve the penalty? Were you hoping this was a non-elimination leg, or would it have been cruel to force Mel to continue?

American Idol: Let’s Meet the Boys

Last night we all got to see the top 12 boys individually perform for the first time [you know, rather than in a half-assed montage]. From the start I knew I hated this year’s male line-up because Scotty McBarotone was there, but more on him later. Also I’m sure that ‘new’ 360 experience induced feelings of motion sickness in many viewers.

The show began with JLo marching out in all her glory, only to be immediately taken down a notch by Seacrest. Something about how she cried last week, old news. Though I have to say, in comparison to previous episodes she actually looks pretty bad; that 1990’s hairstyle does not flatter her face structure and ear flaps.

Let’s fastforward away from Jlo and stupid banter [because we can do that] and get on to the mantestants and their TWELVE [oh man, so many!] performances.
– I provided pictures from their RW-style intro pieces for your reading pleasure.

1.
Boy was Clint awkward, his brick-like giant red shoes stifled his hyper dancing so he ended up shuffling around like a zombie that’s craving the brains of a nerd with thick-rimmed glasses. Maybe it was the cheesy light-blocks behind him or the awful background accompaniment, but I didn’t like it. He added no soul to a song that is SUPPOSED to be soulful. I don’t think he’ll do well in the next elimination episode for three major reasons: he went first in a long line-up [forgettable], he was mean to the insecure chubby kid in the group auditions, his glasses.

2.
This kid just sounded so awful. However, it may have just been me, because I think it takes me a few episodes to get used to how grating the backup music sounds on this show. As of now, it seriously reminds me of a poor version of Eurovision. Why does all the production value go to the lighting? Whoops, I already forgot everything about #2 [can’t even be bothered to read his name].

3.
Oh god, so if you ever wanted to hear usher sound like shit, or listen to usher with bronchitis with accompaniment by your little sisters keyboard, here you are. Have fun with it.
I’m glad at least the judges didn’t like it, and I enjoyed the post-singing banter:

Jlo: “Is that who you want to be as an artist?”
Number 3 guy, “NONONONONOO, of course not! Forgive me for hurting your precious ears, JLo!”

Note: This is the same guy who was a complete jerk to all of his team mates during the group-auditions. During that stage, I don’t think he realized he not only has to succeed by getting into the semi-finals – but he also has to appear likable to a general audience. However, America’s collective memory is decidedly bad, so if he keeps being attractive and ups his live performance abilities he’ll probably go far. America’s bad memory is why I gave two other reasons for why Clinty Glasses to do poorly in this competition, maybe we’ll all forget about how big of a jerk he is to chubsters by next week.

4:
Jim Halpert, no wait, Tim Halperin. This is the first time I remember seeing him, though I didn’t watch the initial auditions nor the 2 hour long episode with the final 24 ‘reveal’.
I thought this guy was actually good. I was wondering if anyone’s vocals would be capable of compensating for the shitty theater acoustics and background music, but I think he pulled it off. And by that, I mean he was tolerable. However, judges didn’t like it. No skin off my back because he made a boring song choice.

5.
Ew, this guy. I don’t know why he thought that whispering a Doors song while dancing and prancing around awkwardly was a good idea [are you convinced yet that he’s a forest pixie?] I love that Jlo called him out about how he flips his hair more than Willow Smith.

6.
High-note Asperger’s kid.
I was ready to pass him off as a less entertaining Shauvaghn (from last season), because he shares her tendency to make unnecessary high-notes in the middle/end of songs. But I was surprised how well his vocals paired with the shitty guitar music he sang along with. So I guess some voices do match perfectly with the AI house band. On the otherhand, I noticed his singing was altered to have an echo effect, does that count as an unfair advantage in a singing competition? He’s not going to do well in the inevitable Frank Sinatra episode

Half-time intermission: I want to discuss how fantastic Jlo is as a judge! This new lineup is working perfectly so far, much better than the Abdul or Kara of season’s past. Maybe it’s because there is less time devoted to the judge’s incessant ramblings in these early episodes so they’re forced make their comments concise & clear, but for the most part the judges are behaving like they’re actually competent. Good on them!

7.
This kid is a good singer, but he could do with some more charisma. That is all.

8.
I hate Scotty McBarotone. It’s not an irrational hate, I swear!
a. He just doesn’t doesn’t deserve to be there
b. Baby lock them doors, it looks like he’s put on some self tanner in this episode [like the pompous jerk he is]
c. He has a chronic case of babyface so it looks like he stepped out of a Pixar film.

d. He doesn’t have any range to his voice and he can’t possibly sing anything that isn’t country. AI isn’t just a singing competition, it’s a versatility+charisma competition.

I’ll admit I was a bit pissed off that he sounded good in this episode. His time on the chopping block will come though, oh yes, it will come.

9.
Stefano was pretty good, mainly because he made a great song choice that heavily worked towards his advantage. He is basically a replicate of Bruno Mars, except he chooses to hold his notes for a longer amount of time.

I love how Jlo exclaimed “You’re a beast!!” after he finished his song. This kind of stuff is what makes me really treasure her presence.
When Ryan went to interview Stefano, he asked if the song was dedicated to anybody. Poor Stefano knew he had to let Ryan down lightly, so he saved face with some awkward stammering and then a gave hallmark-card worthy, “ITS TO ALL THE LADIES… REALLY.”

10.
I’ve never liked this guy’s high-pitched (and yet) raspy voice. It’s one or the other dude, you’re going to end up like those dudes in Maroon 5. Of course he sang a Rod Stewart song, but kid, you’re no Rod Stewart. To make up for that unchangeable detail he danced around the stage with his arms flailing about like he had a strange form of epilepsy. Though I am impressed by how white his teeth are.

11.
We’ll be seeing more of this guy, he’s pretty fun to watch. Top 5 material? Probably not.

12.
This guy made me laugh, even though it sounded like he was singing a prelude to beating up his wife. I guess that’s what the song was meant to do? This is the first time I’ve perceived that dark/jealous side to that song. Maybe that’s because of the influence Hocus Pocus had on my childhood. (my ten-year-old self is screaming out, “I put a spell on you is about magic! Not jealousy!”)

I love how was just yelling at one point, I was cracking up.

Do any of you crasstalkers even watch this show? Season 9 was the first time I watched a whole season since Kelly beat Justin. I think I was re-drawn to it because the top 12 were leaked and I wanted to see their progression from awkward auditions to being the ‘best’ of the season. Added a whole new level of drama, I guess. This season, I just let my TV addiction get the best of me.

So, how’d ya’ll like dem boys?

The Amazing Race: Unfinished Episode

Hello. My name is Misslinda and I am an Amazing Race addict. There, that felt better.

This season, The Amazing Race rounded up “team favorites” to race around the world a second time. And by “team favorites,” they mean teams that we all love (The Harlem Globetrotters, The Cowboys, and Mel and Mike) mixed with teams that make us want to throw things at the television (The Cheerleaders, The Deaf Boy And His Umbilical Cord, The “Couple” With Zero Sexual Chemistry, and The Worst Father Ever And His Subservient Daughter) plus a few teams nobody even remembers (A Father/Daughter Team, Some Guy And Some Girl, Some Nerdy Guys, and The Sisters Who Had To Pee In China).

The eleven teams started out in Palm Springs, California and were told that the first ones to reach the mat would get an “Express Pass.” The Express Pass allows a team to skip one task at any point in the race. This is a very valuable pass because every team finds themselves completely screwed by a task that they just can’t finish without killing each other.

The teams ended up on two flights to Australia—the Earlier Flight, and the Later Flight. The Earlier Flight was scheduled to land 90 minutes before the Later Flight which is, by TAR standards, a pretty decent lead. Unfortunately, a passenger on the Earlier Flight had a heart attack, which necessitated landing in Hawaii and refueling. The eight teams on the Earlier Flight did not take this turn of events well and lamented the loss of their lead. Only The Globetrotters said that the important thing was that the passenger got the medical attention he needed. These guys are all class. If I wasn’t already rooting for them to win, I’d switch teams.

So the Earlier Flight becomes the Later Flight, and the Later Flight (containing Some Guy And Some Girl, Father/Daughter, and The Sisters) catches a lucky break at the expense of a poor man’s heart. Way to go, Later Flight.

Once in Sydney, Australia, the teams navigated public transportation to an aquarium. At the aquarium, one team member had to scuba dive in a tank filled with sharks and stingrays to find a giant compass the size of a personal-sized pizza. This is the point in the race where I state, for the millionth time, that I could never be on The Amazing Race. I can’t swim, and I can’t drive, so my racing skills are rather limited. But kudos to all of these people for suiting up and diving into a tank filled with teeth and other stabby things.

All teams found the compasses, with The Cowboys and The “Couple” lagging a bit behind. The compass was like a secret decoder ring and the teams’ next task was to translate strings of nautical flags into a message that would give them their next clue. This did not seem like a difficult task—match the flag with the corresponding flag on the compass to spell out sentences. The only difficulty seemed to be that the sentences were really long, and there were three of them. So some teams were frustrated and impatient and followed other teams to the next checkpoint with only parts of the clue, only to have to go back and try it again. Some teams begged for information from competing teams, while others worked together to cut the decoding time in half. Still others were totally stumped.

Some Guys appear to be working with The Globetrotters. How do I know this? Some Guys were wearing t-shirts that said “Harlem Globetrotters” in big bold letters and helped the Globetrotters with the clue. Other teams just sort of bunched together, aimlessly helping whomever asked, without having printed corresponding t-shirts ahead of time.

The clue led the teams to something called a “skiff” which looked like a tiny, not-very-seaworthy sailboat. The team members had to dangle off of the sides of this floating contraption and grab the next clue from a buoy. The Cheerleaders’ skiff capsized, trapping them underneath, which gave me hope that this would turn into A Very Special Amazing Race. Unfortunately, no such luck. They are fine, just a bit soggy. But, it did jumpstart The Cheerleaders’ habit of berating, yelling at, and ordering around the locals who are there to help them, so there’s something.

In the end, Some Guy And Some Girl made it to the finish line first, earning them the coveted Express Pass. Then Phil yelled, “Surprise! I know you’re tired from an 18-hour flight, scuba diving with sharks, and balancing on a scrap of plastic attached to a sail on some very choppy waters, but you are still racing! So go! Move! GET OUT OF HERE!” and kicked them off of the mat.

The only team that didn’t make it to the mat was The Cowboys. They were confounded by the nautical flags and all tuckered out from running back and forth to check and see if they got it right. And, since all of the other teams had already moved on, there was nobody left to help them. They would have to help themselves, and boy, did they look helpless. The episode is “to be continued,” so we will have to wait an entire week to find out if they catch up, which may be how long it will take for them to figure out the clue.

So, what did you think of this episode? Which teams are you rooting for? How long until The Worst Father Ever loses his cool? Are you looking forward to another season of squicky bedroom talk from The “Couple”?

Back to the Island! 5-0 Style!

33 comments

I know you missed my updates from the 50th (and 3rd-Awesomest) state.

I’m sorry! The holidays and whatnot. I’d like to say that you didn’t miss much on Hawaii 5-0, but you did. You missed so much!

But, we can’t go back in time, so we are just going to have to pick up with this week’s lessons about National Security, Fashion, and Shaved Ice. Don’t worry. You don’t have to have seen the episode. This is all about what we can learn about the world around us. 5-0 Style!

Recap!

Fake pirates kidnap rich kids off of a boat and ask for ransom. 5-0 saves the day!

Pirates are Everywhere!

One of the main things I learned this week? Pirates are everywhere. (It was right there in the header.) Apparently, they are a huge problem in Hawaii. So huge, in fact, that if you want to kidnap somebody, you should totally just pretend to be a pirate. Because then you will just blend in with all the other pirates.

(Note: Apparently it helps if you dump a dead pirate on the deck. This is very convincing.)

Other things we learn later about real Hawaiian pirates:

They don’t kill people, just rob them.
People who kill people are fake pirates.
HOOYAH is apparently the name for the pirate code of silence. (A real pirate said it during interrogation. This one in particular might come in handy.)
If you have a specific engraving on your watch, the pirate will not pawn your watch, but wear it, just in case he needs an alibi for a kidnapping that occurred at the same time he stole your watch.

(Note: These things may only apply to Hawaiian pirates. I make no promises that they will work on other pirates. If you are near Somalia, you are on your own.)

Nick Lachey’s Lover is Trapped in the Closet!

I hate love hate love! obvious examples of Chekhov’s gun. You know the old saying “If there is a Nick Lachey in the scene, somebody is going to get shot by the end of the episode.” Well, at the beginning of this episode:

The only person left on the boat when 5-0 shows up is a super-cute girl that hides in a closet on the main deck. Sorry, do I hear bells ringing in my head?

Her boyfriend who meets her at the dock is Nick Lachey, and they leave together “never to be seen again.” HOLY SHIT THOSE BELLS ARE LOUD!

(Note: If at this point you predict that she will be the one who has to bring the ransom to the head bad guy at the end, who turns out to be…Nick Lachey (WHAT?!), you have seen television before.)

Technology Rules!

5-0 has a Surface, or whatever those table computers are called that can take an excel spreadsheet and magically turn all the matching squares into neon green blocks with “MATCH!” written in comic sans. It’s like the world’s most powerful “My First Matching Game!” But that wasn’t the cool part.

They also take “biometric” mug shots of your eyeballs so they can match your face to people in ski masks that have eyes that look exactly like NICK LACHEY! But that is not the cool part either.

They also have a button on all police computers that you touch and it “Transfers call to 5-0.” I’m sorry. Did I say computer? I meant computer screen! That was even cooler, but still not the cool part.

McGuffin or McGarble or Tall Guy has an iPhone App that just shows every kind of gun to a witness for identification purposes. I call it “Gunphone.”

“This one? *swipe* This one? *swipe* This one? *swipe* THIS ONE?! IT WAS AN AK-47!”

(Note: She is in on it! Why is she correctly identifying the gun?! Also, why do bad guys always use the same gun? “We matched ballistics to 400 other crimes on that island over there.” Also, couldn’t they have just figured out the type of gun by those exact same ballistics? Also, what does it matter?!)

*****

Break 1: Subtle Product Placement Edition: The families of the missing kids are all staying “at the Hilton.” Very smooth MacGuffin!

Break 2: Grace Park walks in wearing a red/pink top and green pants. My wife says “Why does she look like a watermelon?” I do not say: “Honey, Grace Park never looks like a watermelon.”

Break 3: Have I mentioned that their primary “man on the street” is a sumo-wrestler trainee who runs a shaved ice stand and gets his “intel” from “what I read in the paper.” 5-0 style!

*****

Pawn Shops Suck. Explode them!

At some point in the episode they needed information from a guy that runs a pawn shop. I don’t know why. I don’t care. Something to do with a single golden money clip that tied the entire case together. Here is what I do know. Pawn shops are always shady. Always. Is there a not shady pawn shop anywhere in the world? I think that if the guy at the pawn shop won’t help you out you should strap a grenade to the door of his office and then run out the front door. Fortunately for me, McGrudel agrees. BOOM! Maybe you’ll speak to 5-0 now Mr. Shady Pawn Shop Guy.

Sexy Time!

There is always some unnecessarily “sexy” element to 5-0. This week it was how all the young kidnap victims were being held in a hot cage all half-naked. They looked like a commercial for Skins or something. It was totally inappropriate. Also, hot. Later in the episode they are trapped in a sweaty school bus. That was just creepy.

5-0 Don’t Care!

Armed kidnapping in international waters! Forget the FBI! Fuck the Coast Guard! 5-0 Don’t Care! State Police Task Force in the HOUSE!

Paying ransom to kidnappers like everybody says you are supposed to? No fucking way! 5-0 Don’t Care! We are going in armed and strong. Paying them will just lead to disaster! One kid’s dad ignored 5-0 and paid their family’s share of the ransom anyway. When the kidnappers killed a hostage for only paying part of the ransom, guess who they killed? That’s right punk. Listen to 5-0 next time! Because 5-0 don’t care! Paying = disaster!

After the kid died, 5-0 decided to pay up after all. Changing plans for no reason!? 5-0 Don’t Care!

*****

Break 4: Fight scene in a bar! (Doesn’t matter why.) (a) Grace Park can jump from the middle of one escalator to another and kick somebody in the face. (b) A guy named Bobby ran really fast. His hair looked like it was in a Flock of Seagulls cover band (he did not), and when he ran it started flapping like wings.

Break 5: Survivor Commercial. A former marine says that the best part of Survivor is no one is shooting at you. No Mr. Marine, that is the worst part about Survivor.

*****

How Did It End?!

According to the kidnappers, cute-girl-from-the-closet (remember her?) was the only one who could take the ransom to some dirty, sticky, warehouse or dock or whatever, filled with naked-kidnapped-teenagers, BECAUSE SHE IS IN ON IT! Who else knew that? That’s right 5-0 did! The money was just phone books! Thank goodness we don’t use phone books anymore, so they could just waste them all like that. “What are we going to fill the bags with?” “I don’t know. How about all those phone books over there?”

Anyway, BOOM! POW! Some disco lights go off or something. Nick Lachey runs and jumps into a trolley! McGrawhillber shoots him! Everybody lives except the kid of the punk-ass dude that did not listen to 5-0.

Moral!

Listen to 5-0! If you don’t, your kid will die! 5-0 don’t care!

Verdict!

Not enough Scott Caan.

Updates on Crime in Our 50th State

1 comment

…or should that be our 5-0th state?

There really weren’t too many lessons to be learned from Hawaii Five-0 this week. I hope you aren’t disappointed. But I’ll still share what I learned from the episode where four very, very evil people used Triathlons as cover for their crimes.

1) Snow cone guys are a lot more important than I realized. Apparently they hang out with high-level law enforcement all the time. Even when they are just working around the house. (Either that or I’m just missing the cues that “our hero” has very, very broad tastes.)

2) If you are the highest ranking law enforcement official in the state, with complete immunity and a direct line to the governor, you can totally just give your phone away to other people, no problem. Like “Oh, you sat on my phone, that’s gross. You keep it.” levels of no problem.

3) Being a Rookie Cop sucks. And you should always wear your bathing suit instead of underwear in case you have to strip down and jump in the water all the time.

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