Welcome to The Amazing Race Season Finale! So you’re thinking, “What the what? Season Finale? How’d that happen?” Well, Crasstalk went in for some reconstructive surgery, then some guy named bin Laden was killed and that like totally took over the news for at least three days, so here we are at the Season Finale.
To briefly recap what we missed, the Cowboys were eliminated in Switzerland due to a U-Turn administered by the Globetrotters, but they went out in style eating an entire pot of cheese fondue before arriving at the pit stop in last place. The Nerds also ate an entire pot of cheese fondue, leading Zev to pontificate that he was “not very fondue of this fondue.” Then, the teams puttered around the Alps for a bit and the “Couple” made a stupid, stupid, stupid error by not reading their clue carefully. The “Couple” incurred a 30-minute penalty that eliminated them from the race and made me very happy.
Part I
So the final four teams racing for a million dollar, arranged in order of how much I want them to win are: the Globetrotters, the Nerds, the Sisters, and Father/Daughter.
The four teams set out from the base of the Matterhorn. The Globetrotters departed first at 7:12 a.m. and learned that they had to fly to Rio de Janeiro, Brazil and take a tram up to the Escadaria Steps where they had to locate a route marker. Next to depart the pit stop were the Sisters. Reflecting on their last race, Jen vowed to pee in her pants to make it to the final three. Father/Daughter departed next, and Mallory was her usual “Grrrr! Pumped up! So excited to go to Rio!” at which point I yelled at the teevee, “Kill it with fire!”
The Nerds were the last to depart, but caught up with the other teams on a train to Zurich. This put everyone on equal footing and turned into a foot race to get to the airport. Despite some jostling and a few different flight options, all teams ended up on the same flight to Rio. When they landed, the teams ran for taxis to take them to the steps. The Sisters found a cab first, followed by the Nerds and the Globetrotters. Father/Daughter were lagging behind a bit but their cab driver quickly caught up to the pack and passed the Globetrotters. Sometimes, it’s all about the cab driver.
The Sisters, the Nerds, and Father/Daughter were all able to make it onto the first tram to the steps, but the Globetrotters missed it by less than a minute and the next tram didn’t leave for another thirty minutes. That half hour must have been the longest half hour ever. But, in their usual cheerful manner, Big Easy said “it’s all good,” even though it was not good at all.
The three teams searched the ornately tiled steps for a route marker tile. The Nerds found it first and learned that they had to make their way to someplace I can’t pronounce to look for their next clue. The other teams were close behind and finished before the Globetrotters had even climbed on their sad little tram.
The place I can’t pronounce turned out to be some sort of mini Carnivale celebration with a lot of blurred out figures and a Roadblock! Samba! The teams had to dress in Carnivale costumes, learn to samba, and lead a dance troupe through the streets. Zev had to do the roadblock because Justin had done five and he only did four, and teams needed to be five and five going into the last leg. It was very servicey of TAR to fill us in on that little nugget ten years into The Amazing Race! While Zev was learning the samba, Mallory joined him with her stupid peppiness. Mallory was making a million excuses as to why she is a dancer, but can’t actually dance. Poor pale uncoordinated Zev danced something that was nothing like the samba through the streets of Rio, so in comparison, Mallory looked like Twyla Tharp. Mallory completed the task first and the clue sent teams by taxi to Copacabana where they had to search for a salon to receive their next clue. Unfortunately, Zev’s dance was so horrible that he was sent back to the beginning. Trying to be helpful, Justin told him to “be smooth” and “feel the beat a bit, buddy, you gotta loosen up!” Yeah sure, that’ll help.
Back at the steps, the Globetrotters found their route marker and were off to the Roadblock. The Sisters had already arrived and Kisha began learning to samba while Zev was starting his second round of lessons. Kisha finished first and the Sisters were off to the salon. When the Globetrotters arrived at the Roadblock, Zev was still struggling. Big Easy put on a skimpy little outfit and joined in the dance. Then Zev did something so out of character. He just flat out slapped one of the female dancers on the ass! If that were Big Easy, I’d think okay, he’s having fun with it, sure, why not. But Zev? Weird.
Over at the salon, Father/Daughter learn that they have to endure fifteen minutes of a Brazilian waxing session. Ha ha! Does everybody remember NewsBunny’s harrowing tale of her waxing experience? Well imagine that, but less of a “spa” experience, and more of a sweaty, gloppy, double-dipping mess. Armpits! Male boobs! Legs! Ouuuch! After having random patches of hair ripped out of their skin, Father/Daughter received their next clue, which was a Detour!
Teams had to choose between On The Rocks or On The Beach. In On The Rocks, teams had to travel to a local bar and learn to make a caipirinha, which is the national drink of Brazil. I had no idea countries had a national drink. If America has one and it’s Budweiser, I’m moving. So make a drink, sounds easy. Oh, what? Make a hundred perfect drinks? Okay, what’s On The Beach? For that one, teams have to go to Copacabana Beach, pick up an umbrella loaded down with bikinis and a changing room, and sell enough bikinis to earn $60. Father/Daughter chose On The Rocks and headed to the beachside bar.
Back at Sambaville, Big Easy was dancing like a pro, which made Zev really uncomfortable. Big Easy was shaking everything he had while leading his dance troupe through the streets. Zev was shaking something too, and finally completed the task. Big Easy followed closely behind, but he screwed up the ending and had to go back to the beginning. He got it on the second try and all teams were headed to the Salon From Hell.
Father/Daughter arrived at the bar and learned how to make cocktails. They got the first few wrong, which the bartender dumped in the trash. It was so sad seeing all of that delicious liquid go to waste.
The Sisters arrived at the salon and they seemed okay with it. Then the Globetrotters showed up for their waxing and were also sort of okay. When they finished, the Sisters and the Globetrotters both chose On The Rocks.
The Nerds, who are horribly fuzzy individuals, had a decidedly worse time with the waxing. They were screaming and threatening to punch the staff in the face. Seriously, Justin said, “I’m gonna punch you in the face, I swear to god I’m gonna punch her in the face!” When they were finished, they were all patchy and not thinking clearly because they chose to sell bikinis on the beach. Zev and Justin trying to sell swimsuits was about the most awkward thing I’ve ever seen. It was 29% pervy, and 71% poor salesmanship. Eventually, they gave up and switched tasks.
Father/Daughter finished first, and the clue sent them to the next pit stop at the Museum of Contemporary Art. Father/Daughter checked in as Team Number One, and earned one of three spots in the race for a million dollars. If they win, Gary will be the oldest person to win TAR. The Sisters came in second were given coconut drinks. They’re giving out cocktails at the mat now? And the cocktails aren’t sponsored by anybody? Strange. Flight Time was dancing through the task, Big Easy was singing, and it made me nervous that they were having too much fun and not enough doing. But, they finished the task and checked in at the pit stop as Team Number Three. The Nerds were determined to finish even though they knew that it was a lost cause. Justin even made an extra drink for them to share and they toasted to a good run. Ever the wordsmiths, Justin said, “This’d be really romantic if we were a couple,” and Zev said, “He was the race and I was the amazing.” Aww, that’s sweet. But you’re eliminated, so please take your bromance elsewhere so that we can find out who wins.
Part II
The three teams departed the pit stop within thirty minutes of each other and flew to their final destination, Miami, Florida where they had to go to a marina to receive their next clue. Once in Miami, the Globetrotters got into the first cab and headed for Marine Stadium Marina which is the least creative name for a marina I have ever heard. That’s like naming an ocean Oceana Ocean. Father/Daughter were lagging behind a bit and their cab driver didn’t seem to know where he was going or care that they were in a race.
The Sisters and the Globetrotters arrived at the marina and found a Roadblock! Teams had to transport a boat to a dry dock storage rack without destroying the boat. Kisha and Flight Time were doing the task, which was very boring and involved a fork lift. Flight Time finished first, followed closely behind by Kisha. Father/Daughter were still struggling to get to the marina and arrived after the other two teams had already finished. Their cab driver had no idea where the marina was, just that it was near water. In Miami.
Teams then had to go to the Jules Undersea Lodge in Key Largo. The Globetrotters left the roadblock only one minute before the Sisters, so it was really anyone’s game. Well, anyone except Father/Daughter. Tee hee! Gary blazed through the forklift task but still, when you don’t even have the other teams in sight and you’re on the final leg of The Amazing Race, you’re kind of in trouble. Actually, if it’s okay with you, I’m just going to stop talking about Father/Daughter because a) they annoy me; and b) they are so far behind the other teams that they are a non-issue. Sorry, spoiler alert, Father/Daughter do not win The Amazing Race.
Roadblock! Treasure hunt! Teams had to search the undersea world in a submersible bob dive (which was basically like an underwater Lark scooter with an old-timey scuba helmet) and find the clue in a floating treasure chest while mermaids floated around and an undersea band played the theme song from The Little Mermaid over and over and over again. Big Easy and Jen started out at the same time. As you may recall from her last season, Jen has water issues. She said she was not afraid of water, it’s just that she panics when in water. Luckily she took lessons before the Race and didn’t freak out too much. It actually looked like fun, and Big Easy was definitely distracted by the mermaids.
Big Easy found his clue first, but the Globetrotters lost their taxi and with that, their lead. The clue directed them to Mile Marker 29. When the Sisters finished, their cab was waiting and the driver knew exactly where to go. The Globetrotters had to stop for directions, which put them behind the Sisters. Sometimes, a million bucks comes down to your cab driver.
The Sisters found the clue box first and were instructed to walk across the ocean to Horseshoe Island. Their next clue would be under the tallest tree. Don’t worry, the water was only up to their knees, but still, it seemed like a long and exhausting slog in the hot Florida sun. The Globetrotters were not that far behind, but the Sisters still had a substantial lead and Big Easy looked like he was dragging. The Sisters found the clue box first and were directed back across the ocean to the mainland for a high speed boat ride which would take them to a mobile home park where they would find their next clue. Mobile home? Trailer park. They meant to call it a trailer park. As the Sisters sped away in their boat, you could see the Globetrotters in the background, maybe a city block away, completely out of energy.
At the trailer park mobile home, teams had to wheel a mini trailer to a lodge, hook it up to utilities, and decorate it exactly like in the brochure. It was a weird task, and I sort of now believe that all of my South Florida friends live in these tiny little tin cans on wheels. Heavy winds were slowing both teams down and demonstrating why living in a trailer park mobile home in a hurricane zone is just plain stupid.
The Sisters finished first and were off to the finish line on the other side of Seven Mile Bridge. The Globetrotters were getting frustrated but put a little bit of hustle into their game, finished the task, and tried to chase down the Sisters. When the Sisters arrived at the bridge, they learned two things. First, they had to ride three-wheeled bikes across the bridge. Second, that Seven Mile Bridge is seven miles long. The distance gave the Globetrotters time to catch up, and fancy editing showed that they had the Sisters in their sights on the bridge, but Kisha and Jen were too far ahead and the Globetrotters were too tuckered out. Eventually, the Globetrotters decided to chill out, enjoy the ride, and take it all in.
The Sisters crossed the finish line first, which made Kisha and Jen only the second all-female team to win The Amazing Race! They traveled to five continents, twenty-three cities, and over 40,000 miles. The Sisters didn’t win a single leg the entire Race except the one that mattered, and for that they won $1,000,000. They said they did this for their mom, so that was very sweet, and honestly, those girls earned it.
The Globetrotters rolled in like champs and were really happy for Kisha and Jen, congratulating them and telling them that they had a really good time racing together. I would totally watch a reality television show of the Globetrotters, the Sisters, and the Nerds traveling around the world in a Winnebago. Someone should make that happen.
Thanks for racing with me, Crasstalkers! If I had a million bucks to give each and every one of you, I would. Not. I would not. But I would think about it, and it’s the thought that counts, right?
