Girls can’t beat wimps. They’re suckers. Bradley Cooper and Robert De Niro are like Kevin Bacon, the degrees of separation are evident in one awful movie idea. Marisa Tomei hibernates like a bear. Johnny Depp probably prays everyday for the return of Richard Grieco…no, he doesn’t. Adam Sandler still exists.
These are the things you spent your money on this weekend, and one thing we hope you never spend your money on again.
1) Diary of a Wimpy Kid: Rodrick Rules — $24.4 Million
Snott Rockets and Armpit Farts abound! Well, that’s what I remember about middle school. Does this not still happen? Of course it does. Well, apparently bodily functions and boys running around giving each other noogies and other somewhat embarrassing things just beat out the girl dragon slayers, or Bratz doll doppelgangers, or samurai-chick road warriors, or fantastical girls failing miserably with the critics…whatever. Hard to believe a bunch of wimpy kids could beat a bunch of girls, right? What is this a Judy Blume novel? Maybe. Wimps rule and girls with short skirts can eat dirt! Mostly. Well, anyway good on the kids for bringing home the weekend bacon. Maybe they’ll get a third movie after all. I’d just like it to be less about Wimpy kids and more about Wimpy’s burgers, because when I think of “Wimpy” I prefer to think food covered in cheese, and not, you know, pre-teen angst, gym shorts, and dodgeball.
2) Sucker Punch — $19 Million
Well, hmmm. Didn’t we think that maybe this movie would kick ass? That it was going to be like 300 but with girls? Okay, maybe not 300. But at least a good little thing about “girl power?” Okay, I did. But apparently it’s not that. It’s not that at all. It’s kind of weird, dark, confusing, and dumb. So, that’s that. No sequel. No more discussion. It’ll probably be shuttled into that place where Battle: Los Angeles lives now…down by the river, in an old Winnebago, eating cold beans right from the can, and begging drifters and Charlie Sheen for change. You know who’s probably worried right now? Henry Cavill. Yup, the new Superman. Entertainment Weekly reports that this was “director Zack Snyder’s worst live-action debut, behind 300 ($70.9 million), Watchmen ($55.2 million), and Dawn of the Dead ($26.7 million).” Sure, Superman: Man of Steel will make loads more money, but you don’t want your last big film to be such a colossal failure leading into your next big film, especially when that big film is Superman: Christopher Reeve is Watching You. Do it right, Snyder, or we may have you talk to Bryan Singer about what the hell his problem was in 2006! Prada, dude?
3) Limitless — $15 Million
I don’t know how many more magic beans Bradley Cooper has left in his pocket, but certainly there can’t be that many remaining. I imagine even if he’s taking just one per week, like the leaves of the Golden Child‘s little life-sustaining branch of parsley, soon he’ll run out, and this little movie about the brain’s potential and his lustrous hair will peter out in a blur of Vidal Sassoon and the success of the A-Team. Robert De Niro may be a little sad since if he’s not Fockering his Focker he’s taking on roles like this where he plays an old wizened tree knob who teaches the young kids a thing or two about life, the world, or love. He’ll show us all “Love De Niro Style” in the upcoming movie farce, New Year’s Eve, that bastard cousin to the horrible Valentine’s Day starring Julia WideMouth, Ashton Coochhound, and Braidles Coopers! We’ve come full circle.
4) The Lincoln Lawyer — $11 Million
Marisa Tomei has been looking for her Oscar. She’s misplaced it. Last we saw, it was in the backseat of Matthew McConaughey’s Lincoln. What’s it doing back there? Well, it was obviously thrown back there with a lot of other garbage from 1992 like patent leather shoes, paisley ties, copious amounts of mousse, and Luke Perry’s day-glo shirts from the 90210 set. I imagine in a fit of anger and despair the Tomei is just screaming from the backseat “Vinny! Vinny! Yeah, you blend!” in a Brooklyn accent from the late 1960’s while waving a rat-tailed comb she confiscated from the Teresa Giudice: New Jersey Housewife real estate sale. The Oscar though, someone should really help her look for it. It’s a treasured piece of memorabilia that she needs to rub daily so it’ll do its magic and bring her a movie every half decade or so.
5) Rango — $9.8 Million
Somewhere Richard Grieco is contemplating where it all went wrong. Greasy, skull-fingered Depp walked out on one of the biggest shows on television, and in walked the Grieco just ready for anything. He had black leather, tough-guy boots, and a randy smirk. What else does anyone need to be a success? Talent? Charisma? Well, Grieco had that and more. There’s just no way that wimpy Depp kid should be an A-list star. Not when Grieco had a smoldering gaze and let’s face it, non-girlish features. “It’s totally not fair. That guy…that Depp kid never had to do penance in TV Movies or have the pressure to make another television show work (Booker), no, no, he just hooks up with some hurricane-haired, goth-goblin and just like that…instant career. Now, he’s even a bug and everyone loves him. I need more muscle shirts.”
Today in Mind-Boggling News:
That Adam Sandler movie with Adam Sandler doing the same thing Adam Sandler does in every Adam Sandler movie, but now with settling-for-crap Jennifer Aniston, Just Go With It, should reach the $100 million mark, becoming Adam Sandler’s 12th movie to do so. Now this is a stunning WTF moment. Just who are the people that are consistently looking at the trailers for Adam Sandler’s movies and saying, “Yup, I’m definitely seeing that. No matter what. I’m seeing that Adam Sandler movie.” Who are they? I’m discounting all of Adam Sandler’s family and perhaps even Kevin James’ friends, so that leaves roughly 300 billion people left. It’s hard to imagine 300 billion people have been hit in the head with baseballs, or fell off a boat, or rode a bicycle into a ravine or something resulting in knocked-brain disease…so what exactly is it that’s so compelling? Has he mastered some scientific way to compel us through the television? That must be it. Turn off your TV, Adam Sandler understands microwaves.
