On Saturday evening, adult actress Stoya published two tweets alleging that she was raped by her former boyfriend and frequent costar James Deen.
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feminism
If you’ve heard about the backlash targeted at Lena Dunham recently, than you may have read a myriad of reactions to one singular passage Dunham describes in her memoir, Not That Kind of Girl . Dunham recounts an episode as a seven-year old where she touched her sister’s genitals and allegedly found pebbles therein — supposedly put there by the younger sibling as a prank. The description is graphic, visceral, and perhaps asks more questions than it answers about Dunham’s childhood, despite her claim that this was among the things she would do. Continue reading
There’s a place in feminism’s underbelly where some things aren’t often brought to light. Among the calls for equality and the staunch stance that what feminism really does is work to level the playing field for everyone, what many of us realize is there is a double standard when it comes to taking up the mantle of solidarity. Hence the birth of #SolidarityIsForWhiteWomen. Continue reading
No one is immune to the volcanic force of language. An altered preposition, an inflection or a simple nuance can change the course of events if not our mood for the day. This awesome power is acknowledged before we even arrive on the planet. Our names will be labored over (sometimes literally.) First names, middle names, even last named will be constructed to pay respect or foretell character traits or ensure we’ll never have a seat on the supreme court. The words we are first taught, those we are allowed to hear and those we are punished for saying are all overseen with a scrutiny befitting a bank manager. Our legal system and our government are keen on the minutia of language and are poised to change and limit it all the time. (Lest we think only of the dangers of limiting free speech, let us remember that screaming “fire” in a movie theater is simply not prudent.) As a society we are continuously reexamining what words and terms are inflammatory or used to incite. Continue reading
Happy Birthday Ms. Magazine! It seems like only yesterday when you were born. It must be annoying to hear that over and over again. 40, wow! You look great! Really you do. Don’t give me that look, it’s okay to care about your looks if you’re a feminist, don’t try that on me. You look great, really. You know a lot of other magazines have very bloated advertising, and a rather eerie glossy finish. But not you. Yes you’ve freshened yourself up over the years, but that’s what keeps you modern and relevant.
Do you remember the first time you came to my house? Me neither. But I remember you being there in those early years. My housewife mother must have heard about you at her consciousness-raising group and invited you home. I’m guessing you got passed around a bit. Household expenditures were tightly monitored (it was the 70s after all, things were tough all over.) Continue reading
Jezzies. You love them. Their razor-sharp wit, their entirely excessive use of all permutations of the phrase “clutching my pearls,” their lentils or whatever. The articles might be the stars of the site, but the commenters are the mellifluous Greek chorus. Specifically the one in Electra.
The most innocuous part of Jezebel, the Dirtbag, was the site of the most Jezebellian comment thread ever yesterday. Continue reading
Welcome to a new series of columns on the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints for people who are unfamiliar with the Mormon Church. Since Mitt Romney is a viable candidate for president, the religion is being discussed a lot. I, personally, had not heard much about the church before I moved to Colorado. The church is based in Utah and is much more common out west. Since moving here, I’ve had the opportunity to learn more about the church and thought I’d share some facts. NurseWretched pitched in with her extensive knowledge of the church as a one-time member. Continue reading
Today, December 6, is Canada’s National Day of Remembrance and Action on Violence Against Women. Every year on this day, Canada commemorates a terrible act of violence directed at women solely because of their gender. Continue reading
NPR recently ran a story on women and pay raises/promotions, a topic that has been near and dear to my heart for a few years now.
I am loathe to admit this, but for many years I was an absolute steal of an employee. With a background in non-profit work and education, I bought into the line that we had no money or were facing a deficit or any other number of excuses (real or imagined) about our financial situation that caused me to never once ask for a raise for the first eight years of my career. I’d never negotiated a starting pay either.
My mentors over the years had been wonderful for many things. I learned to teach well, to write well, and to become decent at graphic design – a skill that does not come naturally to me. But not a single one of them taught me how to network or negotiate.
Networking came naturally. I’m an extrovert and genuinely like most people. But negotiating…ugh…
I’m going to admit that I didn’t really understand that negotiating existed. I thought, essentially, that if I was offered a job that I needed to jump on it and take it or it would somehow evaporate. Asking for money was so foreign that I didn’t even think to do it, and if I did I was ashamed of seeming greedy.
Now, that said, I am in the process of turning that around. And for those of you who are like I was, I want to take you with me. I’m going to start with a number.
40. As in 40%. As in my income has increased 40% from three years ago when I changed how I thought about myself and my worth.
A little over three years ago, a colleague got it through my thick skull that I had too thoroughly absorbed the societal expectation for a nice, Midwestern woman. She was right. “Don’t push too hard,” my mother said when I told her how much less I made than younger, less educated male counterparts at my organization, “they might fire you.”
I finally realized the quandry I’d put myself and been put in. Push yourself hard at work, do a great job, get praise and accolades and attention – but not money. Pushing for money will make you disliked or worse. (The research NPR cites supports that, to be honest).
I want to tell you how I did this, and YMMV. I also want to acknowledge that this does not override the discrimination that many women face that is very, very real. Like a friend who worked somewhere where all the men got raises and the employers told the women, and I quote, that the men “needed it more because they are heads of households.” What that points to is the need to be more strategic and more adept at manipulating a situation. And that sucks.
I’d also really like if others shared their strategies in comments – or stories. And make sure we know if you’re male or female, because I hate to say it, but that matters in what strategy you take.
Without further ado:
- As a public employee, I was lucky enough to know that I can find out any individual’s salary in my organization. I found every person who did equivalent work to my job, and analyzed their salaries in relation to myself, considering their education level, skills, and ROI to their departments. All but one made more than I did though I was in the mid range for experience and high range for education.
- I determined what my pay should be and talked to my boss. I said, “You know, I’ve been looking at our salary structure here, and I am doing X and Y and Z – like Persons ABCDEFG in my role, and I’m exceeding them in A and B and C. I know you value the work that I do for the School and you know that I’ve done X and Y and Z to improve/streamline/make awesome what I work on and I would like my salary to be in line with those doing comparable work.”
- I got dicked around for almost a year and never pushed. When excuses were made, I said I understood and would be patient. [This was a mistake. If I had not done what I did below, I wouldn’t have gotten anything.]
- I used my network to get another job offer and negotiated for the first time ever
- a salary was offered
- before telling my boss, I said that “I would be more comfortable taking on the new and additional responsibilities if my pay was X.”
- they said no, that the offer stood [This was fine. It was the first time I experienced what people kept telling me – that they expect you to negotiate.]
- I gave my boss the offer letter
- My boss offered me more
- I turned down the other job [This was a mistake. I found out when I ran into one of the hiring committee members later and he said – “Why didn’t you let us counter offer? We really wanted you.” – to which I made up some excuse, but I didn’t even realize that was a thing.]
- A year later, I’d finished half of my PhD and had expressed the desire to move into a new position within the school that I knew I could do well and help a lot at. It was promised and dragged on and on.
- I started looking for another position
- At the same time, I wrote up a statement to push them on it, talking about my experience, the innovations I had done that benefited them, the skill sets I brought, and included my CV as a reminder of how much I had done to improve my own skills, our department, and our visibility at our university and at the national level.
- I became a finalist for another position and was immediately offered a promotion, a salary adjustment, and a raise on top of that.
I want to note that none of what I was asking was excessive for my background/profession. In fact, my old boss said I could have gotten more. He’s right, but this kind of financial self-advocacy is a work in progress and I am emotionally exhausted from all of that.