fashion

61 posts

Back In Black

If you were a betting type, you could invite me to a social event and be certain I’ll show up in black.   I have worn black almost exclusively for the last two decades, ever since escaping from my parents’ home.   I almost bought a black wedding dress.

I was not tapped by the beauty fairy with her magical wand of loveliness.   I’ve always leaned toward the chubby. I have a round face, with a soft jawline.  My hair is thick and frizzy, reminiscent of a dandelion in July.

In school, I longed to slip away from elementary society and find a nice corner in which to read, rather than present my bulk for bullying to my classmates.  This was not okay for my social butterfly mother, who wanted her daughters to sparkle and not take after her introvert husband in any way.  I was forced into tap dance lessons, led by a man called Mr. Bill who adored costumes so bright they could be seen from Venus.  My mother loved neon pink shirts and teal pants and anything that deposited a kitten or a puppy on my early-developing chest.

We really entered the canyon of horror when my mother, who never trained or worked as a hair stylist, thought it would be a fine idea to perm my hair.   I wound up spending several years with burns on my neck and scalp, and being the only Irish Catholic girl in school with an Afro.  Even the parochial school uniform didn’t give me a chance to blend in with that hair.

One of my most vivid school memories is showing up for a field trip in a lime-green tennis dress – with matching shorts!  The top was too tight, as my mother refused to believe her baby was developing, making my panic-attack breathing even harder to pull off.

Things descended in high school, where the fashion stakes were raised.  I observed, like Margaret Mead, other girls actually going to the mall to buy their own clothes.  They picked them out!   By themselves!  I was given a pink button-down shirt – even the collar buttoned down – to wear with purple corduroy pants and a purple sweater vest.   That earned me the title of Grape Ape.  I was given a weird stretch knit unitard item, styled with a turtleneck and wide green stripes across the chest, which really did wonders for my D-cups.  My mother was like a mad scientist, cruising K-Mart and Bradlees and Sears for clothes:  More polyester! More ruffles!  More flowers!  More stripes!  Ooooh! Polka dots!

Years after my escape, years after I started earning my own money and doing my own shopping,  filling my closet with black sweaters, and skirts, and boots, and tights, my mother was still giving me hideous bright clothing, trying to lure me into her toxic rainbow.  On my 25th birthday, I opened a box of pink flowers, meant to be worn as a shirt.  My grandmother could take no more.  “Noreen,” she said to my mother, taking a long drag on her Tarryton 100s, “she doesn’t wear that shit, for Chrissakes.  Give her money.”

Now, I dip my toe into the color pool every now and then.  At the age of 37, I have purchased a purple dress.  And a blue one!  Even though my husband tells me I look beautiful in color, I feel  gigantic and swollen in color, like I’m lumbering through my day.  I can’t shake that girl in the lime-green dress, and how she felt, and how she yearned for a dark suit of armor.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0fSEjlLQcRY

Easter Creative Manicure Dots

Today’s tutorial is to teach you how to do some super basic, super adorable nail art. You can do this with a dotting tool that you can buy at any beauty supply or craft store, or with any random bobby pin, toothpick, or paper clip that you can find on the floor of your filthy apartment. (Sorry! Projecting!)

Since Easter is coming up, I wanted to showcase some pastels but you can duplicate this with any colors you’d like.

Keep in mind that with dots, the best colors to use are colors that are opaque in one coat, so that they show up right away.

I used:

  • Base Coat: Orly Bonder
  • Base Color: Sinful Colors Unicorn
  • Dots: American Apparel Coney Island
  • Top Coat: Seche Vite
  • Top Coat: Essie Matte About You
  • Additional:
  • Index card (scrap sheet of paper, paper plate, whatever) to use for your dots
  • Q-tips and cotton balls for clean up as needed
  • Acetone/NP remover for clean up as needed

Step 1:

Make sure you have everything you’re going to use neatly assembled.

Prep and paint your nails with your base coat and base color. I chose Sinful Colors’ Unicorn. This is a pastel yellow. The interesting thing about yellow pigments is they are incredibly difficult to work with. They are little bitches. This was streaky and patchy and took several coats for me to be okay with it. I still am not happy with the base. So you might want to pick a less finicky base color if you want this to be easier.

Sinful Unicorn

Step 2:

Put a little tiny dab of your dot color onto your index card/whatever you’re using as a palette.

Dot the index card with a bit of polish.

The thing about this is it can be a bit wasteful of colors so you may not want to use your bottle of RBL Stormy (insert any additional extremely expensive polish you may own here) for making dots. Any of the cremes from drugstore brand Wet N Wild’s Wild Shine line are very opaque. I went with American Apparel’s Coney Island.

After you’ve put a little bit out, dip the dotting end of your dotting tool, be it an actual dotting tool or a bobby pin, into the polish and then quickly dot it to your nail. BE GENTLE. Don’t stab it on. The bigger the end of the dotting tool you use, the bigger the dot.

The more product you use, the bigger the dot.
Dot!

Step 3:

Continue! Dot as much as you want! It’s so easy!

Step 4:

Let it dry before putting any top coat on it. It’d be the worst if you smeared all of your dots.

Because I was going for a very specific Easter egg look, I chose Essie Matte About You (which is now available at drugstores) to give it that not shiny, eggshell look.

Essie Matte About You Polka Dot

If you try this look, please, post a picture!

For previous nail art tutorials and info visit here, here and here.

 

Crassthetics: Your Questions About Muffin Tops, Eye Makeup and Ingrown Hairs

Hello everyone, and welcome to our first installment of Crassthetics, where I answer your questions about clothes, makeup and whatever other shallow subjects you guys find confusing. If you have any nagging queries that you’d like addressed in future editions of this column, please send them to [redacted]. Also, many of the products I recommend below can be had through Amazon, so if you’re going to try them out, I’m sure that the Powers That Be would appreciate if you’d investigate what can be found through the affiliate link box at right before using the links I’ve provided to regular retailers.

I received a bunch of questions for this first column, but if I didn’t use yours, don’t worry; if it’s something I can answer, it will show up in this space in the future. Also, don’t be embarrassed! All questions will be kept anonymous, and I will not tell anyone about that gross problem that you have with your feet. For now, let’s hit some of the basics concerning properly fitted pants, eye makeup application and those pesky, unsightly ingrown hairs.

How do you find jeans that don’t strangle your muffin top? I am a size 14, but it’s only my waist measurement that makes that. The rest of me (hips, thighs, and all) is about a size 10. So everything that fits my waist is way too loose everywhere else, but anything that fits my hips and thighs cuts into my nasty stomach.

I think that some people are going to immediately reject my answer to this question, but hear me out: Jeggings. Yes, the reviled, painted-on quasi-pants favored by Ugg-wearing teens at the mall. But! Not all jeggings are a crime against humanity, just the cheap ones at Wet Seal. If you shop carefully, no one will even know that you’re wearing jeggings instead of regular jeans.

Follow my logic here: All clothing is cut on an hourglass fit model. If regular jeans are made to fit the waist and legs of an hourglass model comfortably, and jeggings are made to fit at the waist and be skintight through the leg, then for someone whose hips and thighs are proportionally thinner than her waist, shouldn’t the legs of jeggings fit like regular pants? As it turns out, I have exactly the same body type as you do, and that logic is indeed sound. Jeggings provide the more narrow fit you need, but they still give at the waist because of the stretch content of the material.

There are two keys to careful jeggings shopping: Stick to dark, non-distressed washes and pay close attention to the fabric content. jeggings that still look like real jeans will have a cotton percentage well into the 90s. My favorite pair is 96% cotton and 4% spandex, and not even my mother (she of the passive-aggressive, “Is that what you’re going to wear?”) had a clue that they weren’t regular pants. If the pants contain more than two materials, move on.

And yes, jeggings are usually skinny jeans, another product to which many people seem averse from the start. You don’t have to be skinny or particularly young to wear skinny jeans, though, provided that they fit your correctly. In fact, if your legs are slender compared to your torso, skinnies will probably be particularly flattering on you because they’ll highlight an area that can help you create an optical illusion of overall slenderness. Pair them with a slightly loose tunic-length top for maximum effect.

Another thing you want to consider is the rise of your pants. Lower-slung waistbands are more likely to cut across an unflattering part of your body, so choosing pants that come up an extra inch or two will also help contain any wayward chub. But really, give jeggings a chance. They come in higher rises too, and there are plenty of pairs that have a regular button and fly like non-stretch jeans. Jeggings are the only growth-producing sector of the denim industry for a reason, and it’s not because those mall-loitering teenagers we mentioned have gobs of extra cash to buy them. Everyone from Old Navy to J Brand makes them now, so finding them in your size and price range should be fairly easy.

I would like to know the foolproof way to keep mascara/eyeliner from smudging, from which product to use, to how to apply. I use waterproof mascara and waterproof eyeliner and yet, it still smudges!

Listen up, because I’m about to change your makeup-wearing life: Urban Decay Primer Potion. It costs $18 at Sephora and will cement any eye makeup in a three-block radius to even the oiliest of lids. (I should know; the oiliest lids in the whole wide world belong to me.)

You just wipe a tiny bit on your eyelids before you do your makeup, let it dry for a few seconds and apply your eyeliner and shadow as normal. For maximum effect, use a liquid or gel eyeliner, which is far less prone to smearing, smudging or flaking in the first place. If you’re going to go liquid, my favorite is Dior’s eyeliner pen. Gel? MAC Fluidline and the MAC 266 Angled Eyeliner Brush. Application of either of those products has a learning curve over a regular pencil, but once you get the hang of it, the results are phenomenal.

If you’d rather stick with a pencil, my favorite high-end option is Make Up Forever Aqua Eyes, although it will still smudge a bit without the primer under it. If you want to stay in a drugstore price range, Covergirl makes a mechanical pencil liner that’s surprisingly budge-proof. For shadow, I tend to gravitate toward MAC’s wide range of choices, although virtually anything will stick like a champ with Primer Potion under it. There have been plenty of nights where I’ve fallen asleep without taking my eye makeup off (Bad, Pssshwhatever! Bad!), and the next morning, it still looks almost perfect. Sometimes I even go place with it like that.

Mascara is a little trickier because I’ve found that many of the drugstore products labeled as “waterproof” still give me terrible raccoon eyes. (The same is true for eyeliner, unfortunately). L’Oreal Telescopic is okay for days when it’s not humid and you don’t think you’ll sweat, but if you want the holy grail, you’ve got to go with Chanel Inimitable Waterproof. Say it with me, ladies. Chanel. Inimitable. Waterproof. It costs an arm and a leg (or $30, if you have it), but it’s about a million times better than any of that similarly priced DiorShow foolishness that magazines always tell you to buy. I’ve tried just about every Dior mascara known to man. Don’t make the same mistake. It’s an expensive one.

Okay, so I’m prone not only to ingrown hairs in my beard, but hairs that grow parallel to the skin and then become infected. Or maybe that’s the same thing. I use an exfoliant (Clinique for Men’s Face Scrub) and little else. I’m reluctant to put too much in the way of chemicals on my face for fears of making a bit of photodamage worse. One dermatologist told me to dig them out with tweezers, but that seems…absurd? ill-advised? prone to scarring? Anyway. Any suggestions or pointers?

This answer isn’t just for the menfolk, because ingrown hairs plague all of humanity, as far as I know. You said that you’re tentative about using chemicals, but I’ve been using Tend Skin for several years on my extremely sensitive, persnickety, pale skin and have never experienced any irritation or discoloration. (And not to put too fine a point on it, but I’ve used it in some…err…sensitive areas.) There’s a bit of momentary burn if I use it right after I shave my legs or when irritation has already had a chance to set in, but it’s well worth the result: A near-complete end to razor bumps and ingrown hairs. I’ve tried every exfoliator on the planet (or at least it seems that way sometimes), and nothing works as well at preventing irritation as a little dab o’ Tend Skin. Buy it at Sephora and use it in an inconspicuous spot; if you don’t like it or you’re still nervous, Sephora will let you return practically anything.

If you want to exfoliate better without using chemicals, then get yourself a pair of exfoliator gloves from The Body Shop. They’re super inexpensive and can be reused a million times as long as you keep them clean, and it’s difficult to get a more thorough non-chemical exfoliation. You don’t have to use them every day, but once or twice a week with my regular soap has made a big difference in the smoothness of my skin. They can also be used on your legs, arms or anywhere that you have rough skin or problems with ingrown hairs.

As far as removing hairs that are already ingrown goes, your instincts were right about your dermatologist’s advice to dig them out with tweezers. That will create a tiny scab and possibly a temporary scar, and while the spot is healing, the hair will likely grow in again and be unable to penetrate the surface, causing the problem to repeat itself. Positively Sisyphean, right?

Instead, if you need to remove the hair, you’re going to need a needle or safety pin, a sterilizing agent and a pair of good tweezers. Because picking the hair out, even very carefully, can introduce bacteria into your skin and make the area infected, either wipe your needle down with alcohol or heat it with a lighter until it glows. Then, gently poke the needle or pin at the hair in an effort to bring it up above the surface. After it’s free, pluck it with the tweezers. If you need a tweezer recommendation, suffice it to say that there’s a reason Tweezerman is so famous.

That method creates the least amount of disruption in the skin, which means less irritation, less scarring and fewer future ingrown hairs.

Thus concludes our first installment of Crassthetics, but remember, there will be more. Well, if you send me your questions, anyway. Amull85 at gmail dot com. Do it, fool.

Photo via Flickr

Yes, you can! (find fun plus-sized clothing)

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SCENE: LeftCoastLady enters the room, shuffles toward a rocking chair and lowers herself into it.

When I was younger, the stores catering towards women who fell into the plus size category were severely limited. Worse, what you did find was usually comprised of horrible patterns, boxy cuts, and just overall unflattering. And we didn’t like it, but we lived with it!

Fast forward in time…

Thankfully, with the magic that is online shopping, finding plus size clothing that is fun, flirty, and even *gasp* sexy, has become very easy. Sure, the plus size mainstays such as Lane Bryant, Catherine’s, Fashion Bug, and those small amounts of space allocated for plus size clothing in department stores (when compared to what’s allocated to the Misses’ and Juniors’ sections) are still around, but why not have some fun with your wardrobe?

Another great benefit of online shopping is the ability to shop globally. You’re not just stuck with what’s available — or more likely, what’s not available — in your area any longer!

Here are a few sites that either cater entirely to the plus size market or have a wide selection of offerings in their plus category.

Simple Shirt Dress from ASOS Curve
This shirt dress from ASOS Curve could be dressed up or down.

One of my favorite sites is ASOS Curve. Carrying sizes 16 to 22, the site offers clothing that you can wear to work as well as going out. When I’m getting dressed for work in the morning, I tend to go for the easy pieces that don’t require too much work. This simple shirt dress is a perfect example. Throw on a pair of knee-high boots or a nice heel along with a bracelet and voilà!

UK-based Evans is a site I visit often to drool over their offerings…and to wish the damn exchange rate would settle down. Still, the company offers classic pieces as well as special collections that go beyond the expected looks when it comes to the plus size market. Last fall, the company offered a collection by Beth Ditto, lead singer of The Gossip. While the looks weren’t necessarily everyone’s cup of tea, I appreciated how daring it was.

Gorgeous Grecian Drape top from Evans.
Loving this gorgeous Grecian Drape top from Evans.

Another long-time favorite is B & Lu. Their looks tend to skew a bit younger, but still stylish. Their pieces are fun and last for some time. If you want something to show off curves, check out the Raquel Dress. Leopard calls not included.

Missphit is an online boutique that takes traditional-looking clothing and adds an edge, a sophisticated one, but an edge nonetheless.

Get in the navy with this cute Nautical Shrug from Missphit.
Get in the navy with this cute Nautical Shrug from Missphit.

Last, but certainly not least, I have to highlight the sexy offerings available to wear under your great finds. I’m a huge fan of lingerie and probably have way too much for someone who’s (currently) single. Still, I love a flattering and pretty lacy thing that makes you want to prance around the house as if you’re in a music video…or a back-up dancer for ’80s era Prince.

Enter Hips & Curves. (Note: The site does feature lingerie models, so use caution if opening this link at work.) I love this site a lot. While they do offer the everyday bras and panties, the fun is in the lingerie section. From fantasy wigs to costumes, Hips & Curves offers all you need to make a sexy night turn into a hot and sexy weekend. Hmm, I think I just found something else I want to buy…

Super-cute lace camisole and panty set.
This super-cute lace camisole and panty set from Hips & Curves will make your significant other pay attention when you want something.

While this has focused primarily on the online shopping experience, I can’t end this article without calling out two of my favorite “brick & mortar” shops in the U.S.

For those of you in NYC or planning to visit the city, I cannot recommend Re/Dress enough. Located in Brooklyn, you’ll find lots of new as well as vintage plus size clothing. The women in the shop are nice and the prices are great.

Similarly, if you find yourself in my neck of the woods, be sure to visit Fat Fancy Fashions in downtown Portland. I’ve been frequenting Fat Fancy since they were an operation run out of a garage where they had a store set up one weekend a month. Over a year ago, they moved into a storefront and their fans have followed.

Skirt from Re/Dress
This skirt was one of LeftCoastLady's great finds from Re/Dress in Brooklyn.

So, there you have it! Some fabulous clothing options await you online and I’ve only mentioned but a handful. There are plenty others out there, including the various Etsy shops that offer one-of-a-kind plus size fashions.

You’re not limited to wearing the same old boxy clothes, so go out and be free and be stylish!

Now, get off my damn lawn…and go pick me up two pairs of thigh-high fishnet stockings.

Galliano Out the Dior

The six weeks before Paris Fashion Week are now marked as the time wherein the fashion world is rocked to its core after last year’s January suicide of Alexander McQueen and this year’s career suicide of John Galliano.

After video of him declaring “I Love Hitler” and “People like you would be dead. Your mothers, your forefathers, would all be fucking gassed,” was released by The Sun yesterday, Sidney Toledano has fired John Galliano from his post as head designer at Dior. The irony that, he too, would have been subjected to Hitler’s wrath under Paragraph 175 of Germany’s 1871 penal code (banning sodomy), seems to be lost on Mr. Galliano, who is openly gay.

Dior’s spokeswoman, Natalie Portman, spoke out against the designer stating that “I am deeply shocked and disgusted by the video of John Galliano’s comments that surfaced today…In light of this video, and as an individual who is proud to be Jewish, I will not be associated with Mr. Galliano in any way.” Ms. Portman also protested the designer at the Oscars by wearing a dress by Rodarte, whom was responsible for a number of the costumes in the movie Black Swan for which she won the Oscar for Best Actress. Mr. Toledano, President and CEO of Dior, released a statement saying “I condemn most firmly the statements made by John Galliano which are a total contradiction with the essential values that have always been defended by the House of Christian Dior.”

Rumor has it that Dior has been looking for a reason to fire Galliano after a series of collections that have received middling reviews and comments regarding repetition, but the timing of this incident couldn’t be worse as Paris fashion week ramps up. There’s no word yet on whether the industry will boycott the Dior and Galliano shows, but given that Dior is too important and that they fired Mr. Galliano, it seems safe to believe that the industry will forgive the famed house. They are, however, much less likely to do the same for Galliano’s eponymous label for which there is currently some speculation as to whether or not that particular show will be canceled altogether.

One thing is for certain, fashion has lost its King and there will be a brouhaha in the coming month over who LVMH will decide to replace Galliano. The safe bets are on any acclaimed French or British designer, but wouldn’t it be grand if say, Rei Kawakubo or, more scandalously, an American, was hired?

Sources: Hollywood Reporter and The Sun.

Update: Title by Momof3WildKids

The Best Looks of London Fashion Week

London Fashion Week always gets the shaft. New York is first, Milan and Paris are bigger, and London is wedged among them, shorter than the rest and generally a bit maligned. Over the past few season, though, London fashion has had a few things working in its favor, namely its growing and talented crop of young designers. After a bit of a lackluster showing in New York, the vibrance and enthusiasm of the clothes from across the pond were a needed reminder of just how much fun fashion can be.

There are a few big names on this list, most notably Christopher Bailey for Burberry and Vivienne Westwood, the grande dame of British fashion, but the week’s true standouts were the smaller shows full of colors, prints and new ideas. The old trope of youth being wasted on the young doesn’t seem to be true for London’s next generation of designers; these collections felt urgent and directional instead of neophytic and tentative. American fashion should take notice, because the British are coming.

Photos via Vogue.com and Style.com.

Oscar Fashion: The Good, The Bad and the WTF

Good morning to you! What a night! Dancing Queen and Missing Peace are passed out in the corner and confetti is floating in their champagne glasses. Let’s let them sleep it off – they deserve it! Although the ceremony was bad, you made it great by joining us for an epic live blog of the red carpet and the awards. We knew Francaway (the terrible monster cobbled together from the lifeless corpse of James Franco and the manic horse-muppet, Anne Hathaway) would be awful and there were few surprises for the winners this year – all the excitement was on the red carpet.

I’m peeling off the false lashes to take a closer look at last night’s fashion in the semi-sober light of day. Below are some of the most notable looks of the night. Who did you love? Who did you hate (we don’t say “hate” – how about “detest” or “want to stuff into the trunk of a car heading into Missouri meth country”)?  Click on the images, below, to get a closer look – all the better to snark with, my dears.

The WTF Award goes to…..Melissa Leo! The Best Supporting Actress winner is my pick for the absolute worst dressed. Everything was wrong with her look – the cut, the fabric, this slit up the center, the appropriateness for the event. You don’t want to go down in Oscars fashion history for wearing a giant homage to what’s left on the table after a country fair bake sale. She was heavily favored to win and should have ramped it up about ten notches. She also could have been less annoying while accepting her award (like she didn’t know she’d win – pssssshhaawww).

WTF, Leo. W.T.F.

The Bad Award goes to…Scarlett Johannson. It was not the worst – see directly above. (Are you still drunk?) It was just bad. Bad color, bad back, bad hair and no boobs. ScarJo, your big tickets are the reason we tune in and we want to see them. You might think Helena Bonham Carter would win this award, but I actually give her a pass because she’s delightfully nutty and my expectations for her are very low. She rarely disappoints because she’s set the bar mere inches off the ground. Also notable horribleness goes to Kathryn Bigelow and her sweater dress.

Dolce and Gabbana done wrong.
My girl crush.

 

The Good Award goes to…like five people. Reese Witherspoon and Camila Alves are my favorites of the night, but then I like the classics, the looks that will stand up over the test of time. If Reese is a little tame for you, how about Mila Kunis? At first, I was torn over the purple and the lace and the little boob-cup detail, but the more I looked at it, the more I liked it. Now I love it. The shape of the dress looks fantastic on her, though it would be hard to go wrong on that girl.  My other favorite of the night is Jennifer Hudson.  Wow.  She looked fan-freaking-tastic. Plus, Mila and JHud were on point with the color trends of the night – red (Bullock, Anne Horseface, Penelope Cruz, Jennifer Lawrence) and purple (Portman and the aforementioned ScarJo). Abandoned was the “green with envy” look that we saw at the Golden Globes.

J Hud looking fab.

 

 

 

Simple dress, perfect cut, great hair.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

As we noted last night, there was a serious lack of bling. Is it because of the economy? Are the stars not even allowed to borrow jewelry anymore?  LiLo ruins everything.

Finally, a word with all the hairstylists in Hollywood. With limited exception, the hair on the ladies looked like it had been through a hurricane. That is NOT CUTE. When wearing a formal gown before millions of people, looking like you just woke up after a rough night is not acceptable and yet, so many women were sporting that look. If they didn’t do the undone Bardot look, then the tight bun was the other option, a look which is very severe on most women.  Were they influenced by the ballerina chic in Black Swan? The boring hair and lack of baubles left us feeling more like the morning after than the main event.

 

"May I show you to your seat?"
Portman wearing port wine.
This hot bitch can do no wrong
This drew mixed reactions.
Speaking of hot bitches...
Love the dress, but Mandy Moore?
Camila Alves, best dressed and tressed.
Living well is the best revenge.
One word: Baywatch.
You cannot wear that bridesmaid's dress again.
Bellatrix is a character, not a lifestyle choice.
Patrick Bateman is less scary.
Okay, scarier than Patrick Bateman.
So over this look. Moving on...
When your stylist hates you (wedding dress #68).
Older Goop with Sleeves
Matching boob and hair parts? No.
No.
No.
Yes.

Oscar Fashion Preview

So, dear friends, we had a grand plan to publish one Oscars story each day this week and then ACCOUNT SUSPENDED happened. That’s okay though because we know it was just Crasstalk winning the Internet. We are all Honey Badger about it.

What that means, though, is that today is all about the Oscars!  Missing Peace, Dancing Queen and Ms. Anthropy are on it to bring you a full day of Academy Awards coverage.  We’re starting with a fashion pre-cap this morning to get you warmed up for the main event – a liveblog of the show tonight, starting with the red carpet coverage on E! at 6 ET/3 PT and switching to ABC when the ceremony begins at 8 ET/5 PT.  Join us – no false eyelashes, boobs, or smiles required!

We are dying to launch right into the fashion review of tonight’s Parade of the Stars but FIRST!, we offer a look into the fashion trends as displayed by the men and women who have strutted, peacock-like, down this season’s red carpets that don’t matter because they are not The Oscars.  The pressure of being a stand-out on the Red Mile, watched by millions of people around the world and analyzed by fashion experts (and us), can bring out the best (even if you forget to thank your husband later).  It can also bring out the worst.  Speaking of the worst, did you know Gwenyth Paltrow is performing a song from Country Strong? We sincerely hope she remembers a bra this year.  How many times have you yelled at the television: “FIRE YOUR STYLIST!” or “Baby, you couldn’t look better if you were covered in bacon and chocolate!”  Yes, tonight is as much an amateur fashion critic’s dream as it is Joan Rivers’ foreplay to her post-Oscars climax.

It was seafoam for Amanda Seyfried last year.

Will Nicole Kidman wear a wedding dress for the 67th time?  Will Mark Ruffalo comb his hair?  Will the first “age appropriate” offender be one of the babies or an old? We’ve got our Tim Gunn bobblehead and black Sharpie at the ready, so let’s go!

Chris Pine is so fine.

Here’s a review of last year’s Oscar red carpet. We are still waiting for the explanation as to why Nicole Richie was invited.  As for the ladies, highlights were the pre-breakup, sleek and stunning Sandra Bullock, which is much different than the sheepdog hair she sported at this year’s Golden Globes.  We needed her to be more “wash that man right out of her hair” and then style it, rather than just leave it to airdry on the way to the show. Mo’nique, who apparently didn’t spend one moment away from her man long enough to take a solo shot on the red carpet, looked lovely in blue with some hairy-ass legs. You want to know how to stand out on the red carpet? Just study Vera Farmiga.

Disappointments were an unusually bland Penelope Cruz (get a new silhouette),  the now infamous “bun boobs” on Charlize Theron, and Tinfoil & Tulle Barbie.

Scarlett Johansson as the Bride of Frankenstein

First time nominee last year only to return with a second nomination this year, Jeremy Renner changed it up from the typical penguin suit. Will he go more traditional this year? We’d like to see him “cleaned up” a bit more like this. How you improve on Colin Firth’s perfect perfection (thank you, Tom Ford) is a mystery to us, but it would not be this (come on with the tennies, RDJ – you’re too old for this).  Also, Tom Ford should be at every awards show.  Honey wears the hell out of a tuxedo.

The 2011 Golden Globes offered us visions of Angelina, Mila, and Ms. Zeta-Jones in  multiple textures of emerald green, shimmering neutrals, and whatever it was that the kooky Helena Bonham Carter had on (scraps of leftover fabric from Alice in Wonderland costumes?). We’re not feeling the 80s dresses, complete with shoulder pads and crystals – there isn’t anything new being done with that to make it feel fresh or worth revisiting – let’s hope the ladies got that out of their systems at the lesser awards.

Hopefully, this daisy-sprinkled Mia Farrow-wannabe disaster is a thing of the past – doesn’t she know The Great Gatsby remake has already been cast? Will Johnny Depp’s love affair with the pirate look off-screen continue to merge with his Hollywood Star/French Countryman/Everyman look (otherwise known as the rich hobo)?   More men should look like the man on the left, so please make that happen, and that includes you.  We’ll wait.

Our Co-Host for the 83rd Annual Academy Awards James Franco

We know how difficult it is to dress when you are expecting but there is no need to look like a box of dollar store Valentine’s day chocolates. Or worse: looking like a lop-sided damaged one even when you are not expecting, for that matter.  Also – use a steamer! You’re a celebrity, dammit, demand it!

Our Jakey adheres to the Tom Ford rule.  Please note the well-fitting suit, appropriately shiny shoes, and proportional bow tie.

The 2011 BAFTA’s brought out some of the best in this year’s nominees. Her performance may have been so-so but Annette Bening radiated on the carpet and somehow managed not to look like she was wearing a wedding dress. We think this will probably be the only time we can say that SWINTON knocked it out of the park. (Ms. A begs to differ and bows to the Swinton – suck it haters.)

Thandie Newton strikes a stunning pose at this year's BAFTA's

We can’t forget the classics, however.  Will we see an updated version of these red carpet figure skating outfits vamping it up tomorrow night? Is Cher coming to the Oscars? She really should, we need the fodder.

Also, will Natalie Portman take a rather obvious cue from the original swan woman? It might make for good maternity wear.

Who are you excited to see? Who will “make it work” and who needed to “edit.” Who will be a hit or a miss (see what we did there)?

Don’t forget to join us later today for a liveblog of Oscar night, starting with the red carpet arrivals on E! (6 ET/3 PT). We will also be doing a champagne-soaked, Spanx-free Oscar re-cap on Monday so be ready to dish!

Crasstalk Classic: Gentlemen of Bacongo

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In the early days Crasstalk was a backwater with few visits but so many great things to share.  To help bring some of those early posts to light we present Crasstalk Classic.  Our first classic post goes all the way back to December 2010 when Coffee and Cigarettes brought us the amazing Gentlemen of Bacongo about the exquisitely dressed gentlemen in the book from Daniele Tamagni.  Now go relive the magic.

Everyone who knows me is aware of my severe weakness for well dressed men, and African accents. Pair those with my fondness for great photography, and you’ll understand why I’m currently lusting over this book by Daniele Tamagni. Full of amazing photos featuring  members of the Congolese cultural movement called Le Sape, this book is a must have.

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Why We Can’t Dress Ourselves

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by Daisy Sage and KatScratchFever

Daisy: KatScratchFever and I decided to write this article, to both complain about and explore the reasons why it seems like we can’t find cute clothes of decent quality to purchase on a working persons budget for several years now.

Neither Kat nor I are extremely overweight or oddly put together in any way. We are both quite fab, as a matter of fact.  Kat is tall, well built, and striking.  My body type could be described as a short  (5’4”) version of Christina Hendricks, with more or less her same differences in measurements, if you shave a couple of inches all over (I found this out when they were auctioning off some of her Mad Men dresses online and printed all the dress measurements.)

However we are both grown up women whose figures are not flattered by the thin tubes of crappy fabric run up by some poor 12 year old in a sweatshop somewhere, desperately trying to not to lose consciousness until the next rice and water break, for the purposes of filling the burgeoning racks at the likes of Forever 21 or even H&M.

What follows is a dialogue between Kat and I, to explore the reasons for this dilemma, and find possible solutions.

Daisy: When did you first start noticing that it was so difficult to find nice clothes that were affordable?

Kat: It probably started years ago, but I wasn’t fully conscious of it until I was out of college, had a full-time job and began budgeting and being critical of the things I was spending my money on. I very much want to subscribe to the idea that “I’m too poor to buy cheap”, but in the case of clothing, it seems almost impossible. Housewares and furniture have the kind of longevity that makes it rewarding to have a “buy less, buy better quality” ethos, but clothes are not as durable. You spill things on them. The cat swipes at you as you walk by and rips a hole in them. You slip on the four inches of ice crust the Snowpocalypse left in its wake and tear them. They wear out in the horrible industrial washing machines you use because you don’t have the luxury of laundering things in your apartment. You can’t afford to have your entire wardrobe dry-cleaned once a week.

Daisy: Indeed. In the last few years, I have lost several clothing items I liked through “attrition”; i.e. tossed out worn things, or given them away in a fit of feng shui, only to wait in vain for proper replacements to magically appear.  I still pine for a perfect pair of royal blue velvet jeans that I wore threadbare in places to the point that they tore across the ass, which you can’t really repair. (Maybe the velvet jeans and I could have made it work out, somehow.) I currently have in particular a “jeans deficit”.

Consider the dichotomy of two pairs of Gap jeans I own. One of them is one size larger than the size I have normally worn for years, that I bought when I had gained a little weight. Since, then, I’ve lost some of that weight, and these jeans are now so large on me that I can only wear them in public for very short jaunts down the street, covered by a very long sweater (because they WILL inevitably fall all the way down on my ass if I don’t catch them in time).

Conversely, another Gap pair of jeans I own, which the label says is the size I have traditionally worn, (just one number size below the ass hanging ones) are so still so tight on me that I can only get them on by lying on the bed and doing a type of yoga breathing exercise in which I expel and exhale all the oxygen from my body on a cellular level.

A third pair, also in my regular size fits just fine, but the fronts of the legs have worn so thin, and have rips from constant wear, that they are only suitable to wear on a hot summer day to a HORDE concert, and I’m not sure they have those anymore.

I’ve been told by those who know clothing manufacturing that in the last few years, the Gap is so loosey goosey about pattern cutting in their factories, that you could try on 10 different pairs of their jeans, all ostensibly the same size, and not one of them would be the same size or shape.

Kat: Most certainly, in the last four or five years I’ve noticed a decline in quality, or a huge jump in price, from the places that used to be my stalwarts for reasonably priced, well-made women’s clothing (the Gap and J Crew come to mind), and by far my overall satisfaction with the stores where I used to achieve moderate success on this front (H&M, for example) has gone way, way down.

Daisy: I concur.  H&M is a sad shell of its former self, selling various sad shells of clothing.  I find it useful to stop in for a random pair of sunglasses or socks when I pass by, but that’s it. Although, I must admit, I bought a sundress there last summer on sale for $10 that I didn’t even try on, and it ended up looking great on me.  Go figure.  Anyway, Kat, what is your opinion about why this decay in our clothing options has happened?

Kat: My opinion is that this is a result of a giant mess of apathy on all fronts. The general public no longer cares how they look, or at the very least takes minimal pride in putting themselves together well. Clothing retailers are apathetic about the quality and construction of their product and care mostly about their net profitability. Everyone cares more about being “Fashionable” and “Hip” than dressing appropriately for your body. We live in a throwaway society, which has little respect for high production standards. I think that much in the way that some people say there is “no middle class” anymore (or it will be that way in the very near future), there is no real “middle class” for clothing, only expensive boutique garments, and things that I will end up using as cleaning rags in six months or less.

Daisy: I think what you say makes a lot of sense.  It seems like even moderately priced clothing of decades ago was constructed so much better than today.  And the dye colors of the fabrics were more rich and vivid.  I once had an A-line winter skirt my mom had worn when she was young, bright blue mohair, lined, with a fuchsia and dark purple thin plaid pattern over it.  Below the knee, side zip, kick in the back.  I kept that thing together for years re-sewing ripped or loose seams, fixing belt loops, until I gave up on holding it together.  I know I won’t find anything like that again, outside of a high-end boutique.

Kat, what is one of your worst shopping for clothes experiences in the last few years?  Which retailers do you detest the most and why?

Kat: Oh, there are many, but this one still stings. I was in H&M (on a budget, as usual) in the dressing room with about seven dresses to try on for a wedding I was to attend. Most of them wouldn’t zip or were too weirdly shaped or too revealing and I was growing frustrated and running out of time. The fifth frock had a side zip, but to put it on I had to slide my arms into the sleeves and pull it over my head. Overall it fit so damn well, except that the short sleeves were obviously tailored for a size 10 woman with size 0 waif arms and my barrel chest was stuffed so tightly in that it was difficult to breathe (a typical clothing woe of mine). Defeated, I tried to take it off by first pulling my arms out of the sleeves, but they were so crammed in there they wouldn’t budge. I tried to pull it up at the waist over my ribs to give the arms a little slack, but still, no dice. I finally resorted to a technique I’m sure many women have used before in this situation: hike dress up over hips, bend in half at waist, cross arms around body and try to slowly inch the dress off inside-out, peeling your sausage arms out last. This time though, it didn’t work, and now I thought I’d have to call the dressing room attendant for help. Some sort of dressing room rage took over at this point, and I just started flexing my arms and yanking at the thing, which finally ripped, giving me enough extra room to extract myself and fling the dress on the floor, ready to HULK SMASH!!! I put it back on the hanger, hid it between the other dresses, gave everything back to the attendant and went to the closest bar to quell my rage with a bottle of wine.

Daisy: Oh I’m feeling your pain there. I have experienced the existential angst of being trapped in a cheap dress in a try on room, on more than one occasion.  Either I couldn’t get it up over my chest or down over my hips. As I pulled on it, I wondered how I got into it in the first place. It’s completely exhausting.  You CAN’T be trapped in a dress, except yes, you are.  I would not fault you one bit for ripping the freaking thing.  What else were you supposed to do?  I’m sure H&M survived the potential loss of the $1.67 the dress was actually worth (as opposed to the $29.99 it probably retailed.)

Kat: As for hated retailers, Forever 21 is just the worst. Other cheapo stores like Rainbow and Strawberry get lumped in there as well. Most of them don’t even have dressing rooms and the ones that do are so small I barely have room to try anything on. I’m convinced this is because they know if you can’t try stuff on you will likely buy it anyway because it’s cheap, and the likelihood of you coming back the within the time frame of their return policy (usually 7 days if you want your cash back, not store credit) is slim. It’s a racket, I tell ya.

Daisy: I didn’t even know Rainbow was still around. The last time I was in one was years ago.  I was working part time for a small business out near the east end of Long Island.  There was practically nothing around in the way of civilization, so many times on my lunch break, I would get some kind of fast food, and then go wander around the Rainbow in the local strip mall. It gave me something to do, and I figured I might find a clothing item in my price range. Never found anything there except a customer base of old before their time “Sixteen and Pregnant” candidates pushing double strollers and their irate moms. The merchandise was not only depressing; some of it was literally dusty.  I felt as though it was the retail store that time forgot.

Kat: Why do you think it is that it is still so hard for “normal” shaped/sized women to find well fitting clothes? Is it because retailers are still trying to mimic the high-fashion world where everyone is a size 2, despite the actual size of their clientele?

Daisy: I think it is a convergence of a couple of things. Yes, I do think retailers are trying to mimic the high fashion, size 2 model, because it is what is promoted in the magazines, and there is a burgeoning demographic of young girls who either naturally fit into that stuff, or are willing to starve themselves to do so. Also, I think that as food manufacturers have over the last few years managed to keep the prices of packaged foods relatively stable by sneakily reducing the size of the packages and/or the portions of food inside them, that clothing manufacturers are able to sell cheap clothing by using less fabric, and lower quality fabric to make the bulk of their clothing.

Kat: I like equating the cheap wardrobe I have that is filling my closet and dresser but leaving my soul empty to fast food and portion sizes. Your analogy is very apropos.

Daisy: Thank you. So Kat, what do you think is the way forward for stylish ladies such as us to dress ourselves well?  Vintage?  Ebay? Vigilant Goodwill shopping? Sewing?

Kat: I think Muumuus are the wave of the future. In twenty years everybody will be bulbous piles of jelly zipping around on scooters ala Wall-E and I won’t ever have to wear another pair of pants again. (Fingers crossed!) Here’s where I’m hoping our fellow Crasstalkers have some opinions and advice to soothe our wardrobe-weary souls. I have always been interested in learning to sew, but continuously fail at finding the time or finishing beginner projects. Since my sewing skills are only advanced enough to make tote bags, unless I cobble all fifty of them I have into a utilitarian, carryall ToteMuumuu, I won’t be wearing any homemade garments any time soon. I scour thrift stores regularly, but everything worth buying has long been picked over in NYC by all the fly-by-night Ebay vintage store mavens and Brooklyn Flea Market clothing hoarders. My girlfriends are all in the same situation as I, and though we sometimes do clothing swaps, none of us have a go-to store for new items that stand the test of time. Your ideas?

Daisy: I actually can sew, although I haven’t touched the machine in years. It is a whole lot of work, as you say.

As to the clothing swap thing, it’s the kind of idea that sounds fun, but for me is not that practical because my female friends are all different heights and sizes.  And even if we   fit into each others clothes perfectly, it seems like rearranging deck chairs on the Titanic.

Personally, I’m very excited about your ToteMuumuu™ concept.  Let’s speak privately about trademarks and lining up investors. If we hurry, we can hire an Indonesian manufacturer, and roll that sucker out to the floors of the women’s departments of Sears and JC Penneys within a month.  (Of course you will have the final say on whether the samples live up to your aesthetic vision.)  After we cash in, we can buy ourselves wardrobes from high-end boutiques and have all our clothing tailored.