Terrifying Man-Mummy Humanity’s Only Hope Against Newtpocalypse, or, Hey, What’s the Deal With Ron Paul?

Loathsome space-slug Leroy Newton Gingrich stands astride the GOP political landscape like a moist, unpleasant colossus. The other candidates are struggling to escape being crushed by his terrible bulk, with limited success. Willard “10K” Romney has erected a fortress made of $100 bills, where he uses a solid gold megaphone that once belonged to the Shah of Iran to shout increasingly contradictory messages to confused Iowa peasants. This appears to be no more effective than his previous media effort, which consisted largely of loading a trebuchet with Susan B. Anthony dollars and firing it into crowds. Willard has devolved into the ineffectual love-child of Richie Rich and C-3PO. Michelle Bachmann has begun praying in an effort to alter Earth’s gravity. Rick Perry, in an attempt to harness the awesome power of nonsense, has vowed to fight a chicken with his own hands if that’s what it takes to stop Gingrich. Ricky Santorum is running around in tiny circles, and  presumably criticizing Gingrich as well, but only small excitable dogs can hear his high-pitched squeals. Some of the Republican party’s senior grifters are beginning to panic at the prospect of a vile space-gangster with an insatiable appetite for Earth-women as the party standard-bearer.

Gingrich manages to combine all the flaws of all the nominees in the last four elections into one corpulent, jiggly man-pig of a candidate.  So much awful in one person seems to defy the very laws of physics. The only candidate who seems to be having any effect is the 3000-year-old spectre Americans call Ron Paul, who doesn’t believe in physics anyway. This undead Bronze Age shaman has been walking the desolate cornfields of Iowa moaning of the doom that Gingrich would bring to the land.  Using his knowledge of arcane internetomancy, the Paul campaign released a series of ads and youtube videos calling Gingrich “a bloated space monster from the outer darkness” “a serial hypocrite” for his penchant for consuming wives in his ravenous maw lobbying for Freddie-Mac and shifting positions on health care mandates.

http://youtu.be/CWKTOCP45zY

This strategy seems to be working.

The Iowa caucuses are just a few weeks away, and Paul has closed the gap to within one point of the grotesque space beastdisgraced former House Speaker. Yay, Republicans are saved!

Maybe. But then they face the prospect of trading an unelectable space-pig for an unelectable Bronze Age crazy person.