Normal recaps are like knitting a sweater: difficult, but rewarding. A “16 and Pregnant” recap is like wading into a septic tank with only leggings and flip-flops on. I take this bullet for you. So let’s see whose septic tank we’re wading into this week! Continue reading
An asshole isn’t a villain. He isn’t the CEO of an evil conglomerate secretly trying to take over the world. He’s the friend you have to apologize for after the party, but you continue to invite anyways. Here’s a list of the Top 10 TV Assholes; what makes them jerkfaces, dickwads, and tools; and the redeemable qualities that earn them a little place in our hearts. Continue reading
Remember when “South Park” was fairly new? “Daria”? Even “Beavis and Butthead” had its time in the sun. Great shows, right?
Animated sitcoms have been around forever, and some of them were better than others. We can debate all day long over just how much “The Simpsons” has gone downhill, but some shows never even got the chance to jump the animated shark.
Continue reading
By DahlELama and The_Obvious
Everyone remembers their first time—the fear, the anticipation, the excitement, the feeling of having no idea what you were doing but praying it wouldn’t matter. How many of us prayed for guidance in those dark and confusing times?
Well, your prayers have been answered, in the form of Sandra Rinomato, host of HGTV’s Property Virgins. If you haven’t seen the show—and shame on you if that’s the case—the gist is that Sandra takes prospective first-time home buyers on a search for their very first abode, talking them—and us—through all of the drama that comes with it. If you have, you know that Sandra’s advice and experience are invaluable. Fortunately for us, she’s graciously agreed to let us interview her and share some of that expertise with us!
What are some signs to you that a Property Virgin’s going to be great (or terrible) to work with?
When they give me a wish list that $1,000,000 wouldn’t even buy, and then once I explain that to them they giggle and say, “but you can do it Sandra!” Thanks for the vote of confidence but I can’t perform magic. People like that have a bigger learning curve than others. I actually like working with them, because I can really dig in and feel like I am helping them make some big decisions that will get them closer to their dream of home ownership. Without some tough love they won’t get anywhere and will eventually just give up on their dream.
We’ve noticed that people go crazy for double sinks in the master bath and stainless-steel appliances in the kitchen. Why are these features so desirable, especially when the latter has such a tendency to attract smudge marks?
A lot of these people are moving in together for the first time and just can’t imagine having to share one sink in the morning while they get ready for work. I mean, how can you live like that?! Ha ha. It always makes me think of post war homes that housed families of 6 or more, with one bathroom, 3 bedrooms and a tiny living room. They managed quite nicely, but our expectations are higher now. For some reason we feel that we need 1,000 feet per person, and at least one bath per. Oh, and don’t forget 1.5 cars each as well. Ok ok, I may be going off track here, but the reality is that we are very wasteful, very spoiled and want what we want, and we want it now. Luckily, builders have been able to turn this dream into reality with suburban sprawl. For the location focused person the double vanity won’t be as big an issue if they are looking at an area in the city or with older homes.
The love affair with stainless steel began maybe 20 years ago with the introduction of commercial type appliances. The very high end homes had the stainless gas ranges with 6 burners and a grill, the commercial hood fan, the big stainless frige. As with every trend, the more common it became the less expensive it became. And vice versa, the more affordable, the more common. I am not big on the stainless and I prefer other stone products to granite, but the general public is still attached to them. Some of my fans have a drinking game and every time someone says granite, hardwood or stainless steel they take a drink. Those are buzz words that some people equate with success. As for the finger prints, most of the new appliances are treated so the prints don’t show like they did on the original stuff.
Obviously Toronto’s the place to be in Canada, but what’s your favorite American city to do shows in and why?
Actually, Canada has some amazing places to live, from coast to coast and I really wish we could do a cross-Canada tour on PV. In the US I went to some really nice places. I had the most amazing time in San Diego because of the sunshine, the landscape, the plants that always seem to be in bloom, the ocean and the laid back way of life. I saw people in business wear park their car, don a wetsuit and go surfing at their lunch break. That was amazing to me. It’s just 2 hours south of LA but it may as well be on another planet. People were even nice on the roads! Driving was a pleasure there. Maybe I it stands out because it is so different from my native Toronto. Toronto is the 4th largest city in US/Canada. Philly, Boston, DC were cool too, but very similar to Toronto in many ways with regards to attitude. That’s not a bad thing, but I like San Diego because of the west coast vibe. That’s why I love Vancouver too. Talk about gorgeous!
We’ve seen Property Virgins get sold on everything from granite counter tops to fenced-in yards, but what are some of your favorite home features?
I like a nice walk out to the yard, with either a gorgeous stone patio or deck. I love to entertain at home so this is really a selling feature for me. I also love to think that the people I sell homes to will enjoy the home, and will love bringing family and friendsinto their space. It makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside!
I am big on using local stone in gardens. I love the look, either really modern square lines or a nice traditional look with the moss growing between the stones. It cuts down on the watering too, so that is good for the environment. With a little planning the look you achieve is so “finished.” Great landscaping can really make a house stand out, and add some landscape lighting and you get a real WOW factor.
How do you go about choosing which house visits will be featured on-air, and how many houses do you actually typically go to with each couple?
We go out and preview homes based on the client’s wish list and try to find homes that represent “as good as it gets” for them. It can be very difficult because we have to deal with what is on the market at that time, and we need to get permission to shoot in peoples’ homes. Sometimes we shoot in homes that are not our first choice, but that too is an important part of the process. You have see what you don’t like before you realize what you really love.
One of the reasons that Property Virgins is so great is that it really teaches potential homebuyers that finding a house you like is only one battle in what is often a larger war. What are some of the biggest red flags Virgins should look out for during the negotiation and inspection stages to ensure that they’re not purchasing a gigantic moneypit?
When negotiating don’t let a seller hold you hostage. Know what you are prepared to pay before you start the process. Knowledge is power. Study the comparables and hold your ground. It’s important to be rational though. There is no use low balling without the proper comps to back you up.
We did a great episode where they loved the first house which is not unusual, but I like to show them some others just to be sure. They offered on it right away and the negotiations did not go well. The Seller was being irrational and wanted my clients to overpay for the house. I convinced the buyers to walk away and to see more homes. It was really tough for them to walk away from their ideal home. We searched and searched, but of course each home was compared to this idyllic one. We finally found one that they were going to offer on, and the listing agent from their dream home called to say that the seller was prepared to negotiate now. So off we went and got a fair deal for everyone. It doesn’t always work out that way but I really hate to see people get taken advantage of so I pushed them to see more homes. What we accomplished was it gave the Seller time to realize he had a qualified buyer and he needed to treat them with the respect they deserved. It also made the buyers realize just how much they really loved the very first house they saw, so we were satisfied that they should buy it.
What I love is when the home inspector gives a binder full of info on the home itself and home maintenance. The information in there can save you major bucks—like redirecting your downspout to avoid water in the basement. It’s inexpensive and can save you thousands.
On the summary page you may find a statement, “this home is average for the area and for its age.” If you get one that is below average you should think twice.
Don’t be afraid to ask your home inspector questions. He works for you and you need to understand the magnitude of the problems he identifies. Get contractors in to see what their quotes are to fix major issues before you sign off.
There’s ample opportunity for bad puns to be made with the show’s title being Property Virgins. What’s the best–or worst–you’ve ever heard?
I remember when the show first aired there were online chats about how disgusting the title was. Hey, the word Virgin is in the bible and I’m catholic and we pray to Virgin Mary, so I don’t see what the heck the issue is. It simply means, the first time for something. I think those people were just letting off steam or something. Anyway, I hear the opposite being cited as a new show, Property Whores. I guess that would be for a different network ; – ) At any rate, Property Virgins is a catchy title and perhaps enticed a few “virgin viewers” to tune in for the first time and hopefully again and again. And there you have it, great marketing at work.
And finally, what are your thoughts on Poutine?
Listen, poutine is a Quebec thing and it is something to be revered. I recently tried a lobster béarnaise poutine and I have decided to marry it.
Property Virgins airs on HGTV most nights at 8 p.m. EST with new episodes airing on Mondays. If you just can’t wait to see her on TV, you can also follow Sandra on Twitter: @SandraRinomato. For more of her great tips, pick up her book Realty Check through Crasstalk’s Amazon store.
DahlELama and The_Obvious both ignore their significant others every Monday night so they can watch Property Virgins and get irrationally angry at first-time home buyers who have preposterous personal demands. They are currently working on their audition tape for Property Whores.
This is not good. This really is not good. When the night starts off with the singtestants who have been voted off in the prior weeks: Gloria Estefan, Jr., Earth Mother Naima, Not Diana Ross, Pocohantas, Clever Girl, and the man you shield your child’s eyes from, it is not a good sign for the rest of the night. They came out screaming Pink’s redemption song, “So What,” and I couldn’t agree more. No, you are not a rock star. Not at all. In fact, you didn’t even win the tenth season of American Idiot. Who’s gonna win, asks the Fly Girl. The reason she asks is because no one knows. That’s how bad this week was.
Let’s just reflect for a moment on the twatwaffle that is Paul McCreepster. He was brought back and allowed to wear the only clothes in his bedazzled hobo bag. You see, after spending his last sheckels on this Elvis Impersonator knock-off, it’s all he’s has to wear (the last one being his selection for last night’s thing of my nightmares). Here’s the evidence:
Look McCreepster. We see you AND your magic suit of roses. We do. Now, go take a nap somewhere with Solange Knowles, Karina Smirnoff and the Karadashians. Moving on to the performances that actually matter.
I will not slash your tires this week:
It’s so nice that Courtney Love got a weave and a gig singing back-up for Idol singestants. She did a great job singing with that little trollop from high school, Hailey. Hailey has the crazy phantom Mariah hand but the love-child of Joan Osborn and Natasha Bedingfield chose a song that fit that gritty voice of hers and oh how she growled. How has she not lost her voice yet? Better yet, why? Adele will always and forever do everything better than this little captain of the cheerleaders, including breathing, but her performance didn’t make you scrunch your face up and cry into a pillow like when she stole your boyfriend.
One thing that is missing on the regular from Idol is someone who brings the R&B. And not in the Luther/Teddy Bear way but someone more like an Usher or a Ne-Yo. Not since that kid who wore the hat every week has any man tried to dance and sing at the same time. No, not George Huff. The other guy. So for that reason, I appreciated Stefano’s performance. Plus, arms.
Have an antifreeze-laced smoothie:
Overgrown Baby Gay Kurt has completed his move into Adam Lambertsville. He unpacked his chains, hung the leather curtains and sound-proofed the boudoir. What in the Mad Max and the Thunderdome is this, anyway? Watch if you dare, but I do not recommend it. My ears are bleeding and every dog in the neighborhood is at my door.
Get that aw-shucks-country-bumpkin offa mah tee vee. “Run around like you did for you last girlfriend,” says The Old Lady to Alfred E. Newman. Oh right. Like he’s had one. YOU HAD A DECADE WORTH OF SONGS AND THIS IS WHAT YOU PICKED?! This was something that some dudes in Nashville drummed up over their Starbucks venti mocha frappaccinos one afternoon. And shut up, audience. Stop clapping. You too, mee-maw. You know what? You are all kicked out. Every last one of you. My laser site (relax, it’s a cat toy) was on Alfred E. Newman’s wiggly bobblehead within 2 seconds of him singing “we were swinging.” I wish I could sweep his legs like Ralph Macchio did at the end of Karate Kid. Wax on, get off.
Jacob is a trickster. He knew what day it was. He knew was Luther’s birthday yesterday. He chose that day to bring out his Luther and it was so NOT Luther. I suppose Jiminy Cricket just gave up and gave in to Jacob and his cheeseballs. So he got to tell us that his father died when he was young, and that he wanted to sing this song for him. That’s sad, truly. But to sing this song about Luther’s deceased father, on Luther’s birthday, and dedicated to his own deceased father? Pass the bottle.
Speaking of hitting the bottle, The Old Lady got bleeped twice. TWICE! This is American Idol, lady. A family show. Despite Fozzie Bear’s increasingly crazy eyes (during a Maroon 5 song?), the judges tripped over themselves to praise the gingerbread headed wonder. No talking about choosing a Maroon 5 song, huh? Nothing at all? And adding to the silliness, Seacretin came out wearing a beard. No, Julianna Hough was not draped over his shoulders. He was making a funny by fake gluing on a fake beard. Oh Seabiscuit, we are so on to you.
So little Lauren got a gift certificate to Wet Seal and sang some stupid song that would have made Simon’s eyes roll so far back into his head that they would have been lost like your poor meatball all covered with cheese. This was 100% Velveeta and she knew it. Everyone knows it. Has anyone on this season’s Idol heard of any of the following country artists: The Dixie Chicks, Alyson Krauss, Dolly Parton? Apparently not. Truth is, there is no one here this season to put the fear of Gawd in their little patoots. Simon would have taken a lightsaber to this night. Here we are, a perilous six weeks away from the next Idol being crowned and we are being served up benign drivel in a denim and lace mini-skirt.
So the interns at Jive Records are staying up late tonight, trying to get ready for whichever singtestant manages to outlast the others. After tonight, there is no winning, there is only staying alive – and by that, I mean those of us who watch the show every week.
**Author’s note: Upon review, I have noticed that I have twice practically quoted The Old Lady’s comments. I’m going to take some time, get jury duty drunk, and think about my life choices.
Bottom Three: Jacob, Alfred E. Newman (ohpleaseohpleaseohplease), Stefano
UPDATE: For the love of humanity, Idol. As if “Soul Sister” has not invaded every elevator, commercial, grocery store and orifice in America, you inflict it upon us. And it only gets worse, I don’t care how you feel about Coldplay (you’re probably wrong) but to have Baby Lock Them Doors to utter any lyrics from this band is like a lizard walking upright. I saw my future, and it was not pretty.
So Jacob gets his chance to speak the most, which everyone knows, means he’s on the chopping block. Diva? Defend yourself. Technical glitch? Defend yourself. Also, sit down…in the ejector seats.
Oh David Cook is there! Remind me again of who he is, mamma forgets. He’s last season’s winner? You don’t say? Why is every single thing he did on Idol better than that crap he sang? He looked hot, though.
Okay! Back to the dramz. Whatever on the dramz – Stefano got sent to the plastic chair of death. Surprise, surprise, surprise – not!
Then normally candy coated Katy Perry came out as Sigourney Weaver from Alien and sang with fake Kanye. Wait a minute! Kanye showed up in his ferret pelt coat that has been around the world maybe on too many times. I get the feeling that thing stinks as bad a roadkill. Good performance, though (for the people there).
The show returns and they do the lovefest “dim all the lights” [sweet darlin’ cuz tonight is on its way]. Our little rigatoni is going home. Our David Archuletta the Second is gone. Is R&B dead? Is it? Ursher seems to be doing okay but maybe this genre is experiencing a lull. Maybe, perhaps ‘Muricah wasn’t ready for the Italian Stallion to sing and hip thrust. So here we are. Carol King is next up. Best be ready to cut a bish.
Well, it finally happened. Considering the slew of broken promises that George R. R. Martin fans had dealt with in the last few years, and the general awfulness of on-screen adaptations of fantasy novels, few of us had held out much hope when he first announced tentative plans for a pilot episode to be possibly picked up by HBO. But as the date drew near and the unprecedented marketing blitz of subway posters, food trucks serving medieval fare, and the Iron Throne itself being wheeled around the city, it started to dawn on me: this is really going to be a Thing.
With that, I give you my reaction to the premiere: HBO’s Game of Thrones is an ambitious yet faithful adaptation of what is perhaps the best-written and most genre-transcending example of fantasy fiction, boasting pitch-perfect casting and a masterful use of dramatic tension that– BOOBIES!!! I SEE BOOBIES!!!
*Ahem* sorry about that. As I was saying, the casting is so spot-on that it’s almost frightening. While usually everyone has their own ideas about what characters in books should look like, Martin’s descriptions are so detailed leave little room for interpretation. Furthermore, many fans’ preconceptions were colored by the amazing series of character portraits by Amok, which gained semi-official status when they were linked to by every major ASOIAF fan site. There were some minor quibbles on my part – Sansa and Cersei were not quite as striking as the books described and Theon Greyjoy looked far too old – but overall, my expectations were exceeded.
As for other similarities to the source material, the series is faithful without being slavish. I was a little disappointed at the cutting of the prologue. In the book, Ser Waymar Royce, the bossy and arrogant leader of the expedition, is given a bit of character redemption as he bravely faces and duels the white walker before meeting his inevitable end. Further on, all fans were pleased by the inclusion of Ned’s famous dictum: “The man who passes the sentence should swing the sword.” But the continuation that was left out was equally classic: “If you would take a man’s life you owe it to him to look into his eyes and hear his final words. And if you cannot bear that, perhaps he does not deserve to die.” Finally, to touch on an uncomfortable subject, the last scene with Daenarys and Khal Drogo was far closer to rape than in the book. On the one hand, this is a more realistic and frank representation, considering the circumstances of her forced marriage. On the other, it’s the result of the series having so far skipped over her gradual internal transformation as she grows to love the Khal and accept her place among the Dothraki.
Having watched the premiere with three friends who had not read the books and had little interest in fantasy, seeing them become immersed in the world of Westeros was almost as pleasing as the show itself. And while I was afraid of being “that guy”, I found that they actually appreciated my occasional brief explanations of who was who and what was what, as they found it hard to pick up the many names being thrown at them. Thus I leave you with this handy guide I made for them so they weren’t tempted to go to Wikipedia and stumble upon awful spoilers. Print this out for future viewings and thank me later.
-Lyanna Stark is Ned’s dead sister that King Robert had been engaged to.
-Benjen Stark is Ned’s younger brother who serves in the Night’s Watch at the Wall.
-Lysa Arryn (nee Tully) is Catelyn’s sister who had been married to the late Jon Arryn.
The king is Robert Baratheon. His wife is Cersei Lannister. Jaime is her twin brother, Tyrion the dwarf is their younger brother. Tywin Lannister (who hasn’t shown up yet) is their father. Joffrey is the prince and oldest child. There are also two younger children: Tommen and Myrcella. King Robert also has an older brother named Stannis and a younger one named Renly.
The two exiled royal children are Viserys and Daenarys Targaryen. Their father was King Aegon Targaryen II, overthrown by Robert and Ned over a decade ago. Khal Drogo is the horselord Daenarys marries.
That should be all. See you next week!
You remember Radio, don’t you?
Radio was that nifty gadget that broadcast news, entertainment, and music wherever you went. You listened to it in the kitchen while getting ready for work in the morning, and in the car while commuting. Radio was around for a long time. It documented the battles of World War II for the living rooms of America, bringing, for the first time, the horrors of war to the parents of the kids over there fighting as it was happening. That was astonishing. It had never been done.
Radio went on to bring us life as it happened. My generation was probably the last to gather round the on speakers on snowy mornings, cheering like mad when our school was declared canceled. We listened on election nights, to hear who was in or out in our town, too small for the big city media to care about. We listened to local talk shows during the day, to debate why our tax dollars were being used for this, instead of that. We listened on our commutes, to see if we should take I-93 or Route 128 to get to where we were going. It was a community.
Then Radio got greedy. It lobbied the government to get rid of the ownership rules, so a handful of companies could control all the stations in America. Then those companies tried to squeeze more profits out of stations, replacing local talk shows with syndicated shows like Rush Limbaugh. That made money. So then the companies pruned the newsrooms, arranging for two or three anchors to handle the news on multiple stations. There was no budget for street reporting. After a while, the conglomerates asked — why bother with local at all? Handing over those top of the hour newscasts to the national networks. As for music — well, that could be cheaped down, too. DJs were canned, and replaced with automation systems. What played on the classic rock station in Detroit was played on the classic rocker in New York.
After a while, Radio sounded the same in every town. It didn’t sound good. It sounded cheap. The same voices, up and down the the dial. The same subtle clicks as the computer shifted from canned music to canned announcements to commercials. After a while, the listeners stopped tuning in. Why bother, when nothing interesting, innovative, or exciting is going on? An iPod can give you music, without the commercials. And a person who slowly falls out of touch with the news no longer cares about it.
If this sounds familliar, it should. Now, this is network television’s story. TV: You’ve blown up the vast majority of your international news bureaus. This, when what happens abroad affects us back in the States in a way not seen since the 50’s. Your morning news programs have descended into something best branded as infotainment, where anchors undergo pedicures involving flesh-eating fish, and the Today show is essentially free entertainment for tourists on the streets of New York. You’ve made sure people don’t understand national and international news, cutting your own throat as the demand for hard news ebbs. People are getting their TV news dose from The Daily Show and The Colbert Report, shows that manage to be informative and mesmerizing. Not to mention — the questions asked of newsmakers on those shows are much more pointed than the softballs tossed on the nightly news. Your prime-time schedule is no longer built on scripted shows — instead largely consisting of a motley collection of characters willing to sell their souls for a few moments of airtime. NBC attempted the cheap road, sticking Jay Leno into the ten o’clock slot. The argument — from network brass — was that it may not attract a big audience, but would attract enough of an audience to make it’s inexpensive production worthwhile. We all know how that worked. Instead of holding onto a gem like the cop drama Southland, nursing it, and letting it build an audience; NBC let it go to TNT, where it has a devout following among a desired demographic. Your desired demographics are fleeing to cable — turning to AMC for Mad Men and Breaking Bad and The Walking Dead. They’re turning to HBO for Boardwalk Empire and True Blood. Viewers want to be surprised, and charmed, and thrilled, and swept up by emotion. You’re still giving them Survivor, which jumped the shark years ago; you’re still giving them Desperate Housewives, which hasn’t been fun for a couple of seasons; you’re still giving them The Bachelor, and pretending it’s a romantic thrill; until very recently, you were still giving them Two and Half Men, and pretending it’s funny. Your building is on fire, and you’re not listening to the smoke alarms. You’re losing your audience to the Internet, which offers entertainment far more original and fun than the stuff you’re putting on the air. You’ve lost your reputation as the go-to place for shows that trigger laughter and surprise; for news that isn’t lifted right off a politician’s press release.
Keep it up, Network TV, and it won’t be long before you’re on Skid Row drinking cheap gin from a paper bag, just like Radio.
Let’s say that you’re tired of cable television. You’re tired of paying for the privilege of having 20 channels of reality shows, 40 sports channels, a music channel that barely features music, a learning channel that’s more creepy than educational, and 60 more channels you’ve never watched (Since when did we get Filipino soap operas?). You’re aware most of what you watch is online but sitting at your computer and watching TV isn’t a concession you’re willing to make. That’s when you stumble across 4 letters: HTPC
The Home Theater Personal Computer is computer specifically optimized for viewing TV shows and movies from your actual television set. They are usually a lot smaller and quieter than your usual desktop rig and usually run software that make finding your shows a snap. There are plenty of articles that will tell you how to build your very own HTPC and some even claim to be for the budget conscious. But what if you’re budget is non-existent or you just don’t want another box crowding your TV stand/entertainment center/stolen milk crates or you’re just a total cheap ass? What is wrong with using the computer you already have? Well, the answer to that my friend is: Nothing. You can still enjoy internet TV from the same computer where spreadsheets, spam email and your porn collection live (now in 1080p and 3-D). All it takes is a few cables and a tiny, little, teensy-weensy bit of technical know-how. Before you take this route, let’s set the proper expectations for this project:
Step 1: Gather Your Equipment
Obviously, you’ll need your existing computer and a TV but there are cables and connectors to consider. Now, depending on your level of frugality, it is entirely possible to spend less on this set up than you would on a good 12 pack of beer. All of the components mentioned here are available through Amazon but don’t be afraid to hit up your local Radio Shack, Fry’s Electronics or any other A/V or computer supply store.
As you can see, it’s a few generations behind the times. It’s not an antique by any means but it’s not going to play Crysis. Not even the first one. However, it will play video just fine and that’s what matters.
When it comes to your television, things will be a lot easier and a bit more enjoyable if you have one that comes with a VGA connection built in and fortunately a lot of modern flat panels do. However, if you don’t have a VGA connection on your TV, you can find VGA to S-Video, component or HDMI connectors on Amazon for under $5.
Step 2: Installation and Setup
As always, make sure all electronics involved are turned off before you begin. In truth, finding all of the components is the hardest part as actually connecting them is pretty self-explanatory. Simply, disconnect your monitor and speakers from the back of your PC and connect the splitters. Then reconnect your monitor and speakers to the splitters and attach your extension cables to the other end. Attach those to the appropriate ports at the back of your television. I happen to have an A/V receiver so my audio cables were attached to an open connection there. Now you’re connected. It’s that simple.
Setting up your TV and Computer to play together should be just as easy. Power both of them up and set your TV display to PC or RGB (consult your manual for details), adjust your receiver if applicable and you’re probably ready to go. There is a chance that what you see on the TV will be slightly distorted and if that’s the case, you may need to alter the resolution on your PC. I have found that in my particular case, 1440×900 works best.
Step 3: Enjoy
Congratulations! You have now joined the ranks of those who have decided to almost throw off the shackles of cable (You still need that High-Speed Internet, don’t you?). Now you can jump on YouTube and watch Toddler Metal or catch up on episodes of The Biggest Loser with Hulu. Next time, we’ll explore your options for HTPC software, which makes finding all of your shows much easier.
To make things even easier remote
If you have a modern laptop with a built in HDMI port then all of this just boils down to connecting to the HDMI port on your HDTV.
Inevitably in your television viewing life you’ll come across a show that’s so totally engrossing and so addictively good that you’d sell your left liver lobe to see the complete ending. But of course like the trolling execution horde that it is, network television can snatch the show right out of your grasp after weeks of sucking you in until you’re firmly committed. And then that’s it. It’s over. No explanation. No nothing. Your new favorite show is canceled. Crap.
Here are a few that had many of us screaming at the heavens, and wishing for just one more season.
What Made it Great: Geena Davis and Donald Sutherland. Watching these two play cat and mouse was exhilarating. Davis’ sharp edges and disarming charm together with Sutherland’s smooth but lethal cunning made a match in television series heaven. This was the sort of drama that worked hard to create some semblance of reality like its predecessor the West Wing. Of course when we looked at Mackenzie Allen, played by Davis, most of us saw Hilary Clinton, despite fervent denials by the show’s producers. And since this was the absolute first time a woman helmed the White House on a scripted series, the stakes seemed to run high. The stellar depiction did win Davis a Golden Globe for her portrayal of the no-nonsense leader. So then, what went wrong? It seemed like the show was riding high.
Why it Failed: American Idol. Yep, that little show starring Ryan Seacrest’s shoe lifts was the demise of this great show. Due to getting its ass kicked in the ratings, a lot of rejiggering happened behind the scenes. Creator Rod Lurie was fired and in came Steven Bochco who succeeded in making the show a sudsy soap opera in attempts to make the show less abrasive, smart, and interesting thereby dulling it down into chewable pieces young people could relate to. What to do with grandma? Move her into the White House! Hey, the Chief-of-Staff is kind of evil. What do we do? Make him a loveable taskmaster! The First Gentleman has no real purpose. How do we fix it? Let’s make him an advisor! Hey, we don’t have a smarmy guy. What makes sense? Mark Paul Gosselaar! See?
What took its place?
The Good Wife.
What Made it Great: Suspense, suspense, and ever growing tension. These are usually markers for the start of really great dramas, especially sci-fi dramas. The premise was intriguing — a hurricane, people lost for hours, and something, no one is sure what, has happened in the midst of that storm. The show led by hunky Eddie Cibrian certainly had great build-up, and the performances of the cast were very good. From the intersecting lives of the characters to the calamity of what nature wrought, it all made for the perfect environment for an Invasion of the Body Snatchers type show. The set up was there. You were never really sure who was other and who wasn’t.
Why it failed: Pacing, and timing. It was really no match for its lead-in show, Lost, if you can believe it. I would think the behemoth that became Lost just swallowed up all the mystery suspense in the room leaving little left over for Invasion. Watching this little show, extremely developed and detailed (perhaps overly so), was like watching a tortoise slowly stick its head out of its shell. And sadly by the time the show really started to get going, it was all over, and people were clicking away after Lost finished…probably because they were exhausted by the layers upon layers Lost heaped on your plate.
What took its place?
Lost…a no brainer. And now V, urgh, whatever.
What Made it Great: In those confusing years after Friends went off the air, we were all scrambling to find the next twenty-something friend sitcom. In walked The Class. It depicted the lives of several former third-grade classmates as they tried to navigate life, love, relationships, and each other. It was an honest little show helmed by up and coming talent, many of whom have gone on to other, better, shows. Jesse Tyler Ferguson, who played Richie, is now Mitchell on Modern Family; Jon Bernthal, cast as Duncan on the show, is deputy cop wolf-face on The Walking Dead; Lizzy Caplan, who played Kat, went on to play Casey on Party Down; and Jason Ritter, who played Ethan, was last seen doing double duty on NBC running around on The Event and Parenthood. The Class was awkward and fun, silly and lovable, and cut too short for many of us to fall totally in love with it. But it had potential.
Why it failed: Laugh track. Yes, yes, I know, CBS thoroughly enjoys a laugh track. It was also set right in-between How I Met Your Mother and Two and a Half Men. So it was veritable sitcom-chum in the midst of those CBS whales. Your twenty-something thing is covered with HIMYM, and your uncomfortable realizations and comic situations all wrapped in the mind of a twelve year-old are more than covered with Two and a Half Charlie Sheen Speedballs. Disastrous.
What took its place?
NPH in his charmeuse suit pajamas. Not sure anything else tops that.
What Made it Great: Sela Ward and Billy Campbell. If you were a little too young to really get Thirty-Something, than this was a great new entry in that same vein. The show explored the intimate elements of divorce, the family dynamic, and what it meant to fall in love again. It wasn’t anything like the light-hearted Brady Bunch. No, this show had deep, poignant moments played expertly by Ward and Campbell. Even younger cast members Shane West and ingénue Evan Rachel Wood’s heartbroken, tender, misunderstood moments were compelling to watch. Definitely an introduction to what would come later from the young actress. The black and white vignette confessionals where the characters spoke about their feelings was a new twist and complimented the show’s finer moments.
Why it failed: Despite a Golden Globe and Emmy win for Ward the show still garnered low ratings. Like other beloved shows, news of its cancellation resulted in a battle cry from viewers. The actors and viewers all pleaded with the network for another season to allow the show to meet its mark. It didn’t happen.
What took its place?
The show that probably comes closest to the heart of Once and Again is another ABC family drama, Brothers & Sisters.
What Made it Great: The show was an updated take on a horror genre long left dormant. It was slick and stylized and there was a good mix of werewolf lore (Native American skinwalkers) and the assimilation of modern day shape-shifters into today’s society. At the heart of the show was a mystery. The viewer wasn’t sure who was a wolf and who wasn’t. It starred Lou Diamond Phillips as the dogged investigator and Tim Matheson as the sheriff with a family secret. The early 2000’s marked the continuing trend of movie stars transitioning into television actors. Given the cast, expectations were high that the show would be a success. Short of Oz from Buffy the Vampire Slayer, werewolves on television hadn’t been readily shown since 1987’s Werewolf series starring Eric Cord. This comeback so to speak was unexpected and interesting.
Why it Failed: Theorists say that the show was really before its time. Remember when vampires and werewolves weren’t synonymous with the quintessential teen movie? Well, that’s when Wolf Lake aired. It aired in a time that really didn’t have a place for a niche program that spoke to such a young demographic, one that clearly didn’t exist on CBS at the time. As the show began airing in September of 2001, some believe 9/11 also impacted ratings, understandably so.
What took its place?
The Vampire Diaries and the short lived ABC drama, The Gates.
What Made it Great: Joss Whedon does a space western. Well, that’s certainly an endorsement of greatness. A finely nuanced, smart, witty, dynamic, expertly done science fiction. It’s mentioned in the same breath as the big greats, Star Trek and Star Wars. The characters are all uniquely different, all quirky and lovable, even hard-assed Jayne. There was really nothing else like this show, not before or after. I’ve extolled Firefly‘s virtues ad nauseum. No need to continue more of it here. You guys get it.
Why it Failed: Because Fox is insane. Well, we know Fox is insane, but it was really bonkers for taking this show off the air. This isn’t just my opinion — this is collective fact. The show got poor ratings, but also Fox aired episodes out of order like maniacs…so, uh, yeah. Can’t really blame Whedon for that. Despite all the follies of the network, the show lives on for forever. The original series has aired on the Sy-Fy network and is now shown on the Science Channel. There was a theatrical release, which catapulted the series into further cult status. The actors would all love to come back and strap on their thigh-guns. This browncoat has firm belief it will happen.
What took its place?
Nothing. Nothing, at all.
What Made it Great: It was a sprawling vampire drama based on the role-playing game called Vampire: The Masquerade. Some may have referred to it as the vampire version of The Godfather meets Melrose Place. Aside from that paltry description, it was more about the vampire bond, family, and the masquerade of blending successfully into human society. The show revolved around Julian Luna, the Prince of the City, and the various vampire families he controlled. Essentially if you broke vampire law by killing innocents or turning them against their will, you were marked for “final death.” Creepy. It was a cool look at the genre. Sure, Dark Shadows was the traditional gothic soap opera. Kindred: the Embraced had the potential to join its ranks with its swirling story, nefarious creatures, and addictive presence. With only eight aired episodes it was cut far too short.
Why it failed: The untimely death of Mark Frankel who played Julian Luna. The show was already slated for cancellation before Frankel’s death, however. The Showtime movie network was in talks to revive the short-lived series, but didn’t move forward after Frankel’s passing. He really was the best thing about the show. Not that there couldn’t have been someone else who could fill his shoes in the last fifteen years. I’m still waiting.
What took its place?
See everything hence that involves Vampires.
What Made it Great: It was pure fantasy superhero geeked out awesomeness. We’ve all wondered what you would do if you had superpowers, what kind of person you would be. Would you save the world, fight for justice and so on. Well, in 1985 with the rise of The Greatest American Hero and Manimal, crime fighting reluctant heroes were all the rage. This is where we were first introduced to Courtney Cox, well, as an actress. (The spastic movement muscle shirt and jeans thing she did with Bruce Springsteen is a story for another day.) Any kid that was captivated by science-fiction (Hello, me) watched this show mostly for the moments when they all had to use their powers to defeat a foe. It was really sort of like the first foray into live action X-Men.
Why it failed: Aside from general cheesiness…yes, I admit it. There weren’t enough Misfits. Not saying that a group with a laundry list of powers that you can’t keep straight was the solution. Nobody wants to see Shrimp Man or Dust Buster Molly, but you need more than just lightening bolts, telekinesis and a shrinking giant. Nonetheless, this was a different type of sci-fi show, which is why most of us loved it. It just wasn’t one man or woman who had abilities, it was several, and that left the door open for many possibilities. The show was also up against Dallas, and well, there was no stopping Dallas.
What took its place?
NBC tried again twenty-years later with Heroes to marginal success.
What Made it Great: Before Ryan Murphy saw the light of musical genius and created Glee, there was Popular. It was the precursor to Mean Girls, and it also had some elements of Parker Lewis Can’t Lose, with its heart and quirk. The show did deal with some real issues like popularity, surviving high school and discovering who your real friends and enemies are, with a recurring theme that most kids share some if not all of the same basic fears deep down. It was a well done show. Funny, poignant, unexpected, and smart.
Why it failed: A cliff-hanger ending that never gets a conclusion…urgh, bad move, Network. This isn’t usually done today. It seems when a network knows a show is destined for the chopping block the writers are at least given the chance to wrap it up, thankfully. This show just ended after the second season with its main character in a hospital bed. Bad form. WB is basically the culprit. The show was moved to Fridays, therefore no one watched, and it was canceled, just like that. Murphy was promised another season and the network reneged, and then the Network became the CW, just like that.
What took its place?
What? Oh, of course. Glee.
What Made it Great: Joss Whedon. He’s spectacular at this genre. And I don’t give this praise lightly. Angel was a delightfully compelling spin-off from the Buffy flagship. We watched the tortured vampire with a soul investigate supernatural crimes and attempt to right his wrongs — one saved innocent at a time. Oh, it was glorious. Brooding David Boreanaz, beguiling Charisma Carpenter, and the never more brilliant Julie Benz, who played Angel’s sire, Darla. In my opinion it was Buffy, but kicked up a notch. The story, which kind of started as a supernatural procedural cop drama, turned into something more with heart and soul with the addition of a son and an increased number of romantic relationships on the show. The heroes were great heroes and similarly the villains were insanely evil and dastardly. A great mix.
Why it failed: Some wonky writing (Joss can get trapped a bit in his own head) caused the ratings to slip slightly, but the show was still a strong WB powerhouse. In a totally unexpected move, after a long drawn out fight that had everyone from the viewers to Joss Whedon and the actors themselves pleading to stay on air, the WB canceled Angel. Many suspect to make way for a new vampire series (rumored to be an updated Dark Shadows). Petitions ensued to bring it back, a whole online movement happened that had viewers blitzing the Warner Bro. offices with pleas for a sixth and final season or minimally a miniseries to wrap up the beloved series. It was a no go, and then the WB became the CW, just like that.
What took its place?
See everything hence that involves Vampires.
Do you agree? You’d be crazy not to. If not, tell us in the comments, and while you’re at it, share your all-time favorite shows that were canceled before their time.
Wow, that was some week off, huh? I got so much done while The Amazing Race wasn’t on! I…I did nothing, really. Read the internets, drank some wine, GTL without the G or the T, battened down the hatches for the government shut-down that wasn’t. You know, regular stuff. But you know who were super busy? The seven teams racing for a million bucks.
Father/Daughter left the pit stop first at 1:18 p.m. and headed to the airport where they were to catch a flight for Varanasi, the religious part of India. Their next clue would be at a Tonga stand. What is a Tonga? The Google tells me it is a covered carriage. That sounds not very amazing and not very religious. But to the Tongas we go!
The Cowboys left a few minutes after Father/Daughter, with Old Yeller, the Nerds, the “Couple” and the Sisters all within spitting distance. The only team trailing was the Globetrotters, who left the pit stop a full five hours after the rest of the teams.
Father/Daughter, Old Yeller, the Nerds, the Sisters and the “Couple” got tickets for a 10:45 a.m. flight to Varanasi. But for some reason, the ticket agent gave the Cowboys tickets for a flight that left a full hour afterwards. Maybe they would be on a later flight with the Globetrotters? No! The Globetrotters, who arrived at the airport hours later, got tickets for the 10:45 a.m. flight! So all teams were on the earlier flight except for the Cowboys! That is a huge mistake. The poor Cowboys were wandering around the airport wondering where everybody else was, and you could see that sick-to-your-stomach-and-not-in-an-I-just-ate-some-bad-vindaloo-way look creep up on them when they realized that there was an earlier flight.
When the teams arrived at their destination, they hopped into cabs and headed for the Tonga stand. This was unremarkable except for Kynt inexplicably hitting his head on the trunk of the car, which triggered the “Couple’s” need to berate their cab driver. As a TAR expert, I can say that one thing rings true no matter what country you are in–it is never a good racing strategy to piss off your cab driver.
The Nerds’ cab stopped for gas, Old Yeller’s cab was redirected by police officers over some bridge, and the Globetrotters passed the Sisters and Father/Daughter. Sometimes it’s all about what cab driver you have and, note to the “Couple,” how nice you are to them.
Despite their sunny lousy attitude, the “Couple” reached the clue box first. Roadblock! One member of each team had to search for the meaning of life. Pfft! I could’ve skipped that task and gone straight to the pit stop. The meaning of life is shopping for shoes without having to flip them upside down to look at the price first. You got that, ladies? For the rest of you who doubt my deep insight, the teams were provided with a photo of six religious figures (lasidus? I couldn’t make out the name, if anyone knows what this is, please enlighten us in the comments) for reference. The teams had to find the holy person, who would give them a word. If the words are arranged properly, the teams will learn the meaning of life.
The Globetrotters reached the clue box next, followed by the Sisters, Father/Daughter, Old Yeller and the Nerds. At this point in the race, I was really worried about the Cowboys. An hour is easy to make up on travel (hello airport equalizers!) but tough to make up on tasks.
Big Easy tried to work with Jen, but then she ditched him. Kynt cut some sort of a deal with Gary which is strange because Gary is generally very careful at these types of tasks and should not need Kynt’s help. Kynt was basically just following Gary, and then there were two cows licking each other which was either sweet, or a metaphor for the race.
Ron was doing terribly. Like really and truly awful. Maybe he was looking for somewhere to stop for a snack? I don’t know, but he was headed in entirely the wrong direction.
The Sisters finished first and learned that the meaning of life is: Shoe Shopping Without Regard For Prices. Oh my gosh! I was right! I’m kidding. The real meaning of life is: Once You’re Over The Hill You Pick Up Speed. I suppose that’s a little more profound, but how are you supposed to get over that hill without stylish footwear? Hmm? Exactly.
Flight Time and Justin teamed up together and finished the task next. The teams were then sent to the Swaminath Akhara Wrestling Club where they were supposed to find a strong man who would give them their next clue.
Some time after the Sisters, the Globetrotters and the Nerds left, the Cowboys arrived at the task. This made Old Yeller, Father/Daughter and the “Couple” nervous because the Cowboys make notoriously quick work of tasks. Jet (or Cord, I haven’t quite figured out which is which) said, “How fast you run is how fast you’re going to get through the road block,” but you have to look around and not miss anything. So true, so true. The Cowboys blazed through the task while Ron was still wandering around India in the wrong direction. The “Couple” and Father/Daughter finished the task next, which left Old Yeller and the Cowboys out on the course.
The Nerds and the Globetrotters found the strong man and the clue box at about the same time. Detour! The teams had a choice between Feed the Fire and Feed the Buffalo. In Feed the Fire, the teams had to travel down the Ganges River and follow a path to the home of milkman, make fifty poop patties, place them on a wall to dry in the sun, and light a fire to boil milk. This does not sound like a very good task since it involves manure. In Feed the Buffalo, teams had to cross the Ganges River, pick up hay, cross again and carry the hay through narrow streets to the correct milk farm. Since this task does not involve manure, it is the task I would have chosen.
Because great minds think alike, the Nerds and the Globetrotters chose to feed the buffalo. The Sisters, on the other hand, chose to feed the fire.
Back at the Roadblock, the Cowboys finished the task before Old Yeller! Yeehaw! Old Yeller was sort of freaking out and backtracking, thinking the holy men may not have been properly garbed as in their photos beacused they wanted to take a refreshing swim in the Ganges River. What? No, no, no Old Yeller, they did not take a break from their TAR obligations to take a refreshing swim in the Ganges River! Holy hell. Eventually Old Yeller got back on track and finished the task, though he looked ready to collapse.
Meanwhile, back at the front of the pack, the Nerds and the Globetrotters worked together to find the correct address for their hay delivery while the Sisters arrived at the Dung Palace. They were literally vomiting before one poop patty was even made. Ladies, you made the wrooooong choice. The “Couple” also chose to feed the fire, just like the fire in their bedroom. Ugh now I’m vomiting. Father/Daugher then joined in the fun at the Dung Palace.
The Globetrotters and the Nerds were singing “Running with haaay, in the middle of India!” as they delivered their bales of hay. How can you not root for these guys? They received a clue which directed them to the pit stop at Ramnagar Fort across the Ganges River. Is crossing the Ganges River the only thing anyone ever does in India? In a foot race between the Nerds and the Globetrotters, it’s best to put your money on the professional athletes. The Globetrotters were first to the mat and are Team Number One, followed by the Nerds as Team Number Two. For coming in first, the Globetrotters won a trip to the Big Island of Hawaii. A big island for some big guys!
The Cowboys chose to feed the buffalo and were chuckling that they went all the way to India to haul hay. Old Yeller also chose to feed the buffalo. Like the Nerds and the Globetrotters in a foot race, if I had to put my money on who was going to haul hay faster, I’d go with the Cowboys.
Over at Dung Palace, the Sisters were struggling. A mean old lady knocked some of their poop patties off of the wall because they were too big. Eventually they made their poops exactly the right size and were headed to the pit stop. The “Couple” finished the poop task next, then Father/Daughter.
For some reason, the “Couple” decided to take a boat to the pit stop. But when they pulled away from the dock, Vyxsin did something really weird, even for her. She jumped out of the water taxi into the Ganges River! Just jumped right out, like she was compelled to do it by an evil spirt. She grabbed the boat and hauled it back to the dock and they took off on foot for the pit stop. And then Kynt said something, just a little something, and my skin crawled. He said, “You need to get a grip, sis.” Are they brother and sister? Eew. The possibilities are just eew.
The Cowboys made hay of Old Yeller and finished the task in no time at all. The Sisters checked in at the pit stop, then Father/Daughter, and then the Cowboys who are back in this race. Finally, the “Couple” checked in, which meant Old Yeller were the last team to arrive. They have been eliminated from the race. I’m…kind of happy about this. I’m sick of watching Ron bumble around the world, snapping at Christina and snacking on local delicacies at the most inopportune times. They weren’t going to win, so it’s good that Phil put them out of their misery. And it was misery for poor Christina. Yes, she said that she cherished the moments she got to spend with her father, but I could sense seething contempt just below the surface. Good luck with your marriage to that other guy from TAR, Christina. I hope the two of you are very happy together and move far, far away from your dear old dad.
Next week: The six remaining teams head to Austria, where it looks like they compete in a food challenge that Mallory isn’t enjoying, and the “Couple” are again fighting over directions.
