Speedy tough guys, and Paul Walker…dancing bird-brains, the purpose of a fat suit, Robert Pattinson’s dilemma, and why Disney just needs to grow up.
This weekend’s movies need a time-out.
Movies
323 posts
Note: It was actually raining when I wrote this.
So, it’s raining and dreary, at least where I am. It’s too cold and wet for recess outside so we have to hang out in the multi-purpose room and eat graham crackers. So it is time to fire up the projector and watch some films from the AV room in the library. Let’s all get on our mats and relax.
Elephants are great aren’t they? We generally like elephants. There’s not much we usually find uninviting about the pachyderm. He’s usually large, lovable; perhaps he has large floppy ears and can fly like some sort of winged wrinkle-skinned angel mammal. Fantastic. But not in this case. In this case the elephants are like people, and they are more like matchmakers. The E Harmony of the wild if you will. The elephant will help a young vampire and Elle Woods find happiness. No, that’s not right. The elephant will help two circus players find love amongst the tents.
Water for Elephants
Oh, crud. I was rooting for this one. It had all the dreamy, soft focus stuff that usually impresses critics…but not this time.
Based on the acclaimed bestseller, Water for Elephants presents an unexpected romance in a uniquely compelling setting. Veterinary school student Jacob meets and falls in love with Marlena, a star performer in a circus of a bygone era. They discover beauty amidst the world of the Big Top, and come together through their compassion for a special elephant. Against all odds — including the wrath of Marlena’s charismatic but dangerous husband, August — Jacob and Marlena find lifelong love.
What you can expect: Long distressed glances, a dastardly villain, Reese clad in circus frill, and Robert Pattinson’s huge cranium in suspenders. Is this Twilight without the angsty Kristen Bella and all her awkward pause-speak? No, no, it doesn’t look like it. It looks a bit more grown up than that, even though still in a chaste, longing way. It wants to be a watered down Titanic, what with the unattainable beauty, the lost boy looking for love, the maniacal man caught in the middle, and some sort of horrific, terrible thing that happens one night at the circus — but with elephants and a train. Some have said the story is predictable — but aren’t all these soapy period dramas just that — predictable? We know Christoph Waltz with his “bad guy hairdo” will make us hope he falls off a trapeze or something, just like we know Rob and Reese holding vigil with that elephant doesn’t mean they’re running away just to open an elephant refuge. Even though the critics have found it a bit lacking, at least one praises the old-timey feel. Roger Ebert says, “In an age of prefabricated special effects and obviously phony spectacle, it’s sort of old-fashioned (and a pleasure) to see a movie made of real people and plausible sets.”
What could annoy: The predictable. Yes, well, apparently this movie has its story written on its sleeve. While both Oscar winners Waltz and Witherspoon are said to be more than formidable in this film, there’s just too much formula here. Robert Pattinson’s performance also seems to reside in the vicinity of a glorified Gossip Girl character. Ouch. Somewhere Blake Lively just had a squeee and preened in her candy-striped headband. Urgh. And then there’s the whole depression-era circus element. I’m not sure, but I can’t imagine a depression-era circus being much fun. It seems like it would be pretty miserable in fact, and probably smelly — and full of scary orangutans.
Tyler Perry’s Madea’s Big Happy Family
It really doesn’t matter what the critics think because Tyler Perry will keep wearing a wig and beating people with shoes no matter what you or anybody says ever! Helllerrrrr!
Madea jumps into action when her niece, Shirley, receives distressing news about her health. All Shirley wants is to gather her three adult children around her and share the news as a family. But Tammy, Kimberly and Byron are too distracted by their own problems: Tammy can’t manage her unruly children or her broken marriage; Kimberly is gripped with anger and takes it out on her husband; and Byron, after spending two years in jail, is under pressure to deal drugs again. It’s up to Madea, with the help of the equally rambunctious Aunt Bam, to gather the clan together and make things right.
What you can expect: Oh, dear me. Well, let’s see, I think we can expect that Tyler Perry dressed in Tyler Perry’s Madea clothes will yell at people, threaten to beat them with a pot of grits, get into some sort of crazy man in a dress pickle, and then have the entire family rally around these antics because this is the same movie Tyler Perry does every Tyler Perry second for forever when he’s wearing his Tyler Perry Madea’s Biscuits and Girdle Suit. The end.
What could annoy: Spending money to see Tyler Perry in his ninth (NINTH!) Madea movie. But then if you’re spending money to see Tyler Perry in his ninth Madea movie then you don’t understand what this means, so carry on, he has a house in Miami he’s renovating.
Indie Picks
Incendies
The critics are really loving this gripping story about one family’s journey:
When notary Lebel (Rémy Girard) sits down with Jeanne and Simon Marwan (Mélissa Désormeaux-Poulin, Maxim Gaudette) to read them their mother’s will Nawal (Lubna Azabal), the twins are stunned to receive a pair of envelopes – one for the father they thought was dead and another for a brother they didn’t know existed. With Lebel’s help, the twins piece together the story of the woman who brought them into the world, discovering a tragic fate forever marked by war and hatred as well as the courage of an exceptional woman.
The short and sweet: Tough, unflinching drama about family secrets, what we would sacrifice to know the truth of our existence, and just what it means to finally understand who and what our parents are, and their place in this world. Impactful story that challenges borders and boundaries.
Stake Land
A horror film full of vampires and zombies the critics actually like? We must have gone back in time:
America is a lost nation. When an epidemic of vampirism strikes, humans find themselves on the run from vicious, feral beasts. Cities are tombs and survivors cling together in rural pockets, fearful of nightfall. When his family is slaughtered, young Martin (“Gossip Girl’s” Connor Paolo) is taken under the wing of a grizzled, wayward hunter (Nick Damici) whose new prey is the Undead. Simply known as Mister, the vampire stalker takes Martin on a journey through the locked-down towns of America’s heartland, searching for a better place while taking down any bloodsuckers that cross their path.
The short and sweet: Well, now, an apocalyptic vampire/zombie movie! Hmmm, yes, well, we’ve seen this all before, no? Are we tired of this yet? If watching it on film wasn’t enough, those undead jokers have infiltrated our television screens thanks to AMC. Apparently, there’s still some story left to tell about blood-sucking, rotting creepy-crawlies. Okay. I get it. One day someone will make the quintessential vampire/zombie movie that tops all other vampire/zombie movies and then finally we’ll be able to say with certainty that the genre has been well and dutifully covered. This isn’t it. Know how I know? Russell Brand is nowhere to be found.
(I’m probably going to see this…you know, for comparative research.)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zNC2HwAaWWE
POM Wonderful Presents: The Greatest Movie Ever Sold
A comical documentary about advertising and consumerism in the USA. You guys do know people buy Snuggies for their dogs, right? The critics think this is a good idea:
Filmmaker Morgan Spurlock examines the world of product placement, marketing and advertising by making a film entirely financed by product placement and advertising. These days, it seems like you can’t even walk down the street without someone trying to sell you something. It’s gotten to the point where practically the entire American experience is brought to us by some corporation. In this comical exploration and thorough exploitation of Morgan Spurlock, The Greatest Movie Ever Sold explores the world of advertising and marketing as Morgan uses his integrity as currency to sell out to the highest bidder.
The short and sweet: Hey, that guy that almost went into renal failure by eating nothing but McDonalds has decided to research advertising and marketing in this country. Well, yay! Because really I’d like to know why Crazy Sugar Pop Zooms! are so much better than regular old, Puffed Corn? Can we know this? I’m afraid that the answer is just that we’re stupid, stupid people who buy things that are shiny, full of blingeeness, and simply because we like things called Crazy Sugar Pop Zooms! because it makes us smile like drunk donkeys, but you know, Spurlock, you tell us what the corporate bigwigs say…”Yes, we’re dumb.” Thanks, Morgan!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f9vu3dUMQ1s
Finally, a return to women in film. Hasn’t it seemed like forever since a movie touted a primarily all-female cast? Not since 2008’s remake of The Women have we seen this much lady talent in one place. However, we’ll have to hope the outcome of these two new releases fares a bit better than what happened to Meg, Annette, Eva, Jada, and Debra in that last frozen-faced travesty. It just wasn’t good. No, no it wasn’t. And sorry, Meg, but we just don’t understand what’s happening below your hairline either. We’d like you to stop that. Anyway, it’s a new year, and these two offerings would like to reintroduce you to ladies who can act and make us laugh.
The Help
Who hasn’t read The Help? If there was a book club, a company break room, a yoga class, or an empty lounge chair at Starbucks there was someone reading The Help last year. This is the book whose name ended the sentence, “Hey, have you read…” or “Oh, my god. Read…!” It was just that kind of phenomenon, and seemingly overnight, plans for a movie were announced. Much of the excitement surrounded who would play all the roles in this inexplicably remarkable little book. The casting of Viola Davis, Oscar nominee and recent Tony winner, as Aibileen was a stroke of genius. The newly minted Emma Stone was at first a bit confusing since she was largely known for just a few lines in Judd Apatow’s Superbad — but her showing in Easy A added a bit more gravitas to her casting as Skeeter Phelan.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e_yiv4jqW_0
Some have noted the lighthearted approach in this trailer and feel it’s worrisome regarding the overall sentiment of the novel. I can’t say that I totally disagree.
While it’s certainly possible given that this is a spring release, and we’re not in a heavy Oscar push quite yet, the major concern for the studio is probably getting people to the theater — then perhaps they’ll hit you with the heavier subject matter. But I dunno. The trailer almost makes the movie look like a mash of Steel Magnolias with something Tyler Perry would direct (and probably star in). I don’t want to think that’s the case, but I can’t really explain the Rob Reiner music choice, or the Hollywood movie set, Technicolor backdrop, or the flouncy, almost Hairspray-esque visuals. It does seem a touch too light.
As someone who tore through the book in the matter of days, I really want them to do this story justice, but not because it was a book of such overwhelming literary prose. Compelling as it was, it had its foibles, but because for the real-life black women who did Days Work for decades — their story, even if told through the voice of someone who didn’t live that experience — shouldn’t be cavalierly diminished by quick, pre-fab, Hollywood spackle. Given the source material, there was real opportunity to turn it into something poignant. Let’s hope they deliver. At the very least, though, I expect Viola to be excellent. However, at this point I can’t get beyond Emma Stone’s hair. Just what the what? I fear she’ll be a caricature.
Bridesmaids
So you thought Tina Fey and Amy Poehler were the only two funny chicks on television and making movies in Hollywood? Well, you’d be so, so wrong. Kristen Wiig has finally emerged from the sidekick annals to star in her own ensemble-ly movie about a bunch of begrudging bridesmaids who embark in hilarious antics up the wazoo. Here’s the second trailer about these fine, and so very lady-like chicks in dresses they’ll never wear again.
It seems the new trailer further solidifies that this will be The Hangover: Lost in David’s Bridal, but that’s just fine. There are some identifiable archetypes here — we know what they are, and we’re not surprised to see them emerge. The fun, it looks like, is seeing what the actresses will do with them. If it’s the unexpected — we’ll be thrilled, if it’s the same thing Julia Roberts, Anne Hathaway, and Cameron Diaz could pull off — we’ll be less so. It looks so far to have the right balance between the believable and the absurd, even if it follows the current “funny movie” formula set-up by throwing most anybody into a movie with Zach Galifianakis. However, I can’t stop myself from thinking about what it could’ve been like if they actually did have Fey and Poehler in the mix here. Would it ratchet it up a notch? Possibly. But ultimately I think it’s good that Wiig is stepping out and away from the rest of the SNL alum. And this surely looks loads better than some of the SNL-born films in the last decade or so. Anyone remember The Ladies Man, or any of the things starring Chris Kattan? So, yeah, good on Wiig so far. I’m excited for this. And it’s about damn time.
So what do you think? Are you like, “I’m there with bells on!” or “I’ll update my Netflix queue.” or “Not even if Jesus was the co-star.” Tell us in the comments.
Starring: Saoirse Ronan, Eric Bana & Cate Blanchett
Directed by: Joe Wright
Written by: Seth Lochhead and David Farr. Story by Seth Lochhead
Often times when you go into a movie you aren’t certain what you are going to get. Sure, you can see previews and read reviews but there’s always the possibility you’ll be surprised. This one of the great as well as awful things about spending money to go see a film. More often than not it seems that people are drawn into a bad film based on a clever trailer and leave disappointed. Sometimes though a film can end up being better than you expected.
Such was the fortunate case for me in seeing Hanna. Sure I like Joe Wright as a director, after all 2 out of his other 3 features (minus the abysmally reviewed/received “The Soloist”) have been quite good. And although Bana and Blanchett have more pluses than minuses in my book, their respective presences do not guarantee a film’s quality.
The biggest x factor of course was Saoirse Ronan herself. I have only seen the recently turned 17 year old actress in one other film to date, the exceptional 2007 Joe Wright directed film Atonement. However I was impressed with the gravitas and talent that she brought to the screen at the time. I have also heard she was great in the otherwise lackluster film adaptation of the The Lovely Bones. I am pleased to see not only did she not disappoint, but she helped make the film exceed my expectations.
Hanna (Ronan) has grown up in the wilds near the arctic circle. She has never known more than her relatively simple very low tech life. However despite their less than modern accommodations, her father Erik (Bana), a man with a mysterious past, has given her a very deep and varied education including a multitude of languages, sharp shooting and deadly hand to hand combat skills. Essentially he has trained her to be an assassin. When the time comes and Hanna decides she is ready she is able to send a signal notifying auhorities where they are. This alerts Marissa (Blanchett), a former colleague of her father’s, that Erik is in fact still alive and sets into motion events that will challenge Hanna’s ability to survive.
This film truly did impress me on a number of levels. There are a goodly number of high action sequences and I was very pleased with the skill in which Wright and cinematographer Alwin Kuchler were able to capture everything without relying on recent conventions of blurred movement and shaky cams which have been become staples of action sequences in recent years. Beyond that there were in fact a number of shots worked in that were fairly unique and did not detract from the viewing experience.
Eric Bana delivers a solid and believable performance as Hana’s well meaning father. Their relationship despite moments of violence between them is truly the emotional heart of the story. Regardless of how unconventional their lives are in the film you can’t help but think he did his damnedest to be a good father.
Equally skilled was the far more often great than not Cate Blanchett. Though she has been in a few films I consider duds (cough Indiana Jones & the Kingdom of the cash grab sequel cough) she generally is one of the highlights of the films she chooses and has enormous range in her craft. As the decidedly vile Marissa she delivers yet again, bringing a believable foil and counterpoint to Erik.
But as I stated before the success of this film mainly rests on the shoulders of Saiorse Ronan. She is magnificent as the titular character. She conveys such intensity that she doesn’t just hold her own in the scenes she shares with the other leads, she owns them. I cannot say enough how impressed I was with her. Training for the role could not have been easy by a long shot and in the hands of a less capable actress the action scenes would not have been half as believable. The best thing I can think of to describe her character is the grit and determination of Sarah Conner or Ellen Ripley meeting the the skill and deadliness of Hit Girl. In other words, she may look sweet and innocent, but do not fuck with her.
In retrospect the story isn’t perfect. There are themes that are touched on but not fully explored or developed. There are other aspects that they just ask us to take for granted that seem fantastical. However a film like this requires a certain willing suspension of disbelief. It’s close enough to being plausible and that helps its cause. And the way in which the film comes full circle is both brutal to a degree and should be satisfying to the viewer.
2011 has thus far not been exactly spectacular on the film front. Granted there are a number of titles coming in the next weeks and months that fans of any number of styles can appreciate and enjoy. In the meantime however in my mind Hanna is the film that has most stood out to be noticed. The collaboration of Wright and Ronan has delivered another gem. I give it 6 beers.
At the rate we’re going we could see a Who Framed Roger Rabbit remake in our lifetime. Hell, not only in our lifetime but probably before next Christmas. The cartoons are running the world. It really is like what happened in that Rabbit movie. Does this mean Christopher Lloyd will continue being weird? Probably. Who will voice the rabbit? Oh, silly, silly, humans. Russell Brand already has our souls.
Kids like movies, and parents need kids to be occupied for minimally two hours every weekend. Everyone wins! Or at least that’s what you think.
1) Rio — $40 Million
Apparently we like singing birds, or pelicans, or cockatoos, or whatever the big blue winged creatures are in this thing. Given Rio is the biggest weekend opener so far this year, I’m beginning to think there’s really no point to not being animated. If there isn’t a colorful, animated, talking animal making poop jokes and doing some sort of musical sing-a-long than this isn’t Toontown! Right? RIGHT? I’d like to think that the Black Eyed Peas doing their little rappa-lappa-ding-dong thing set to autotune and guttural monster sounds would annoy most of the viewing public, but apparently not. Apparently we enjoy birds saying things like “Drop it, drop it low.” Drop what low exactly? Do birds have badonkadunks? Are they rump shakers or club hoppers? Possibly. Oh what Walt Disney must be thinking when the animated world has gone from “Bippity Boppity Boo” to flailing bird asses. Is Rio about bird asses?
2) Scream 4 — $19.3 Million
Well, that’s not really a great number. But who cares, Wes Craven has successfully killed off more kids in a movie! Have we thought about this, really? How long has Wes Craven wanted to kill kids? It’s all a little strange, no? He really has a fixation with the slashing of the teens. Do people invite him into their homes? Or are they all like, “Um, no, Wes. We’d love to have you, but we, you know, have kids.” I would imagine this is like what Stephen King hears when he goes out anywhere. I’m sure it’s like, “Um, no, Stephen. My husband is a clown.” Work hazard, clearly. All in all, I guess it’s a bit of a boon that this movie is number two on the list, but $19 mil is a little low to really mark a movie a true success. Well, unless you’re David Arquette and you haven’t done the whole TV/movie thing in like forever while you watch your ex-wife hitting her stride on a pretty successful TV show co-starring her new boyfriend, a hunky guy who can swim in the ocean without a t-shirt. But you know, David, you can always have Wes Craven over for dinner, because, you’re not a kid.
3) Hop — $11.2 Million
Jesus Bunny Eggs! Well, they’re still popular, and rightfully so. Jesus Bunny Egg Day is literally right around the corner. I’m thinking this movie will hold out in the top five to at least get through the blessed event, because what else says religious glory than Russell Brand and jellybean poop? (The poop. See how it’s part of animation?) Who says Mr. gyrating crotch is a flash in the pan, and that he’ll never open a movie ever again? Clearly this Hop movie says otherwise. The kids and their parents obviously like his funny jokes all trussed up in snarky bunny clothes. He should do more of that then. No, no we don’t mean being himself in a movie while running around like an albino string bean. We mean he should just do animated voices. We like his British-y voice mumble don’t we? Well, I think that’s enough. Obviously we don’t actually need to have his body attached to say “Awww, how cute. He’s a cuddle wuddlekins.” Onward, then! Hop 2: The Jellybean Resurrection should be awesome.
4) Soul Surfer — $7.4 Million
This little movie about Christian surf angels is still trying to hold on. It didn’t rake in much over the weekend, but hey, at least it’s not Arthur. Not really sure what didn’t resonate with this movie. Seriously, James Franco has one of the most gruesome arm severing scenes in history and everyone just completely lost their brainbobbles over that whole thing. This girl gets her arm taken by a shark and everyone is kind of like meh? Like the shark should’ve had on a bib and used a steak knife, I guess. What’s it take to get a little awe around these parts? Yes, sure, maybe the religion angle wasn’t what some folks had in mind, but you would think more people would have gone out to support one-armed surfing, because, man, that’s kind of way cool. Instead, well, Wes Craven is out running around in a ghost mask terrorizing all sorts of Julia Roberts relatives. Or does Eric Roberts always look that way?
5) Hanna — $7.3 Million
Boring Eric Bana’s boring offspring was boring and impassive in this boring movie about a Kung Fu kid and all the surreally wacky crackpots she comes in contact with during her long, boring, running-for-forever movie. What was this thing even about? Was she a super-spy? A miracle child? Just what? At the end I still didn’t know, nor did I care. Cate Blanchett was there though, and even she was boring. I just don’t know. I would have liked there to have been something, just anything that made sense in Hanna. Mostly though it needed more story and less run-judo-chop-run and then that’s it. I’d much rather play the new Mortal Kombat game for PS3. Mortal Kombat= $59.99 and loads of fun. Hanna = $7.3 Million and loads of snoring loudly in the movie theater.
Idiot Americans, otherworldly idiots, idiots with knives and connections, and one plain old idiot writer/director, will leak all their smarts onto your movie screen.
There is no spoon.
A Musical Movie, Dummy: Universal Pictures has plans to turn the hit Broadway musical, American Idiot, into a theatrical film. Yay! Wait, yay? I dunno. When I think of the phrase American Idiot I don’t usually think of some wailing, emo-dude with eyeliner. I basically think of Sarah Palin and Michelle Bachmann co-starring in Sarah and Shelly’s High School Reunion! I imagine it would be a fanciful tale about two shrill old ladies who are best friends and live in an apartment littered with the carcasses of various gummi bears who still listen to Amy Grant and Tori Amos while spinning colorful tales about how they’ll be somebody special one day. Why not start at the high school reunion! Squeeeee! Yes, that’s it. This is what they’ve been waiting for. They’ll hitch up their Jesus approved mini-skirts, slap on the Jean Nate body splash, tease their limp hair for all it’s worth and then march themselves right down to the high school gym where they’ll see Todd and Marcus standing by the punch bowl in their Members Only jackets and aviator shades, and they’re all like, “Hey, boys. This is really cool, right?” “Yeah, look there’s even fruit in the punch bowl. Let me take out my cinnamon gum.” “My breath is like awesome, right?” “What?” “Yup, sure, we’ll come with you guys to your dad’s Chevy Impala out back.” “We’re like waitresses down at the Waffle House, of course we know what to do with sausage, why do you ask?”
Living with Aliens…Now All the Time: Hollywood is moving beyond calling things remakes and reboots now. They’re just basically saying, “You know that movie we made thirty-years ago that is exactly like this one? Yeah, okay, that movie doesn’t exist anymore.” And we the audience are like, “Hell no, I know for a fact I saw Howard the Duck. You just can’t convince me that I didn’t see a walking, talking duck, and Lea Thompson’s bad hair choices.” Well, apparently, Hollywood is like a cabal of ancient wizards and they can make movies disappear. They’re doing so with a visual re-fried bean called, They Live, about a guy who wakes up and realizes that he’s surrounded by aliens that are controlling society. Hey! Isn’t that just like the movie about the guy who sees aliens that are controlling society with those special glasses also called They Live? Hollywood says, “We have no idea what you’re talking about. James, take Spirit Fingers down to the BrainWipe room.” Anyway, they’re doing this thing and plan on making it less satirical, so that means basically a very serious alien movie. As opposed to Robin Williams in a red jumpsuit. Whatever. Na-nu, Na-nu.
48 Hours with John Rambo…bring your bowknife: Sylvester Stallone and his retired face muscles will be in a movie called Headshot. Walter Hill director of The Warriors, 48 Hrs, and Brewster’s Millions will helm this non-Rambo offering starring Adrian’s husband. I wasn’t actually sure Sylvester Stallone made movies that didn’t involve killing outlaws in Burma or teaming up again with the massive walking pot roast that is Dolph Lundgren, but these things are still happening, I guess. This particular sure-to-be the Spike channel’s movie of the year will star Stallone as a New Orleans hitman who teams with a young NYPD detective: “The unlikely duo, brought together by two vicious murders, take on all who stand in their way, and are willing to sacrifice everything to exact revenge.” Soooo, this will be 48hrs Stallone style. Ho, boy. I’m not sure there are enough monosyllabic utterances in the world for that.
Crazy trivia time: Do you know who was considered to star in 48hrs? Gregory Hines, Richard Pryor, Burt Reynolds, Mickey Rourke, Sylvester Stallone, and Denzel Washington. Now that we’re obviously trying to right a grievous wrong here according to Stallone, who should play the young NYPD detective? My money is on Mickey Rourke so the entire cast will look like everyone just attached road kill to their faces.
Gotti Get A GoodFella: So, in addition to John Travolta’s synthetic dancing widow’s peak playing John Gotti in the biopic Gotti: Three Generations, Joe Pesci has signed on to play Angelo Ruggiero, deputy to the infamous mafia boss. I’m not sure how I feel about this. Sure, I’d still like to see Pesci threaten to break someone’s aorta for mentioning the word “shinebox,” but I just don’t know if he still has the fire in him like he used to. Where’s he been for the last fifteen years? Even De Niro has somehow fallen straight into a bottle of fun, family comedy, and Ray Liotta was recently a warlock in some crazed medieval schlocky shitshow starring Jason Statham…so, uh, it’s like the Goodfellas went on vacation to Wally World and haven’t returned. Maybe this is just a phase. But the biggest news about the Gotti movie is that Lindsay Lohan, yes, that Lindsay “crack pipe in stilettos” Lohan is in talks to play somebody in this movie. No one knows what part she’s vying for. Perhaps a younger Victoria Gotti? Perhaps the girlfriend of one of the Gotti boys? Perhaps she’ll play herself as John watches her court proceedings on jail TV? Either way I’m sure Michael Lohan will attempt to squeeze himself into his daughter’s handbag the day she reports on set.
Transforming the Rope a Dope: So if you don’t think Michael Bay has ruined robots for all eternity, and the thought of a Robocop remake doesn’t make you want to choke on an Atari cartridge, then perhaps you’re excited for the upcoming Hugh Jackman boxing robot vehicle, Real Steel. Which to me just looks like Rock ‘em Sock ‘em Robots on steroids with an Australian screaming things at them in American talk. Fine. Whatever. I’m not sure it can get worse than toilet humor alien robots with gold teeth. Sheesh. Well, DreamWorks wants to put that to the test! Real Steel hasn’t even premiered yet and they’re already talking sequel! Apparently test screening for Real Steel Original Sauce has been successful. Why do I suspect the “test group” was a room full of ten-year old boys who watched the thing high on Doritos dust while holding the pre-marketed action figure and sipping from a Real Steal juice box? I’m not sure why they’re even releasing the first one, if number two (pun intended) has already been greenlit. Why do we even bother going to movies anymore? Exactly. Hollywood is working on a putrid movie additive they plan to put in our drinking water. We’ll quench a thirst and mentally absorb Nic Cage’s back sweat as he frantically tries to save the world from his zombie monster bird hair and his weird Friday night drunken binges.
M. Night Shyamalan To Get Schooled: This is just hilarious. Rotten Tomatoes found this little gem from Entertainment Weekly that talks about a website dedicated to crowdsourcing funds to send filmmaker (or fehmaker, six of one) M. Night Shyamalan back to film school! “If we all donate just one dollar, we can send M. Night back to NYU so he gets the help we all so desperately need. Let’s make it happen so we can get him enrolled before he starts principal photography on 1000 A.E.” In addition, they say if they raise the funds, but Shyamalan refuses their check then they’ll start a scholarship in his name instead and “send the NEXT Tarantino to NYU.” Um, this will never, ever, work. I just don’t think Shyamalan has hit bottom yet. No, no I don’t think he has. He wasn’t deterred after he created that magical water-boy nonsense about magical Avatars, which to his shock wasn’t about the veritable movie gold that was alien Blue Donkeys with vibrating genitalia in their braids. And now he’s somehow convinced an A-list actor to star in a movie surely about mysterious alien kangaroos living in a cave filled with five-testicled sea urchins. Bring it, Cameron! No, surely this isn’t rock bottom. Rock bottom is probably remaking Howard the Duck.
Casting News:
- Michael Shannon, creepy, weird, face-picking bug guy, will be General Zod in the upcoming Superman movie
- Zach Galifianakis, the chubbiest Ewok, has pulled out of the buddy comedy R.I.P.D co-starring Ryan Reynolds
- Jessica Biel, star of Oscar-winning Foreign Film Valentine’s Day is in talks to join Colin Farrell and Bryan Cranston in the Total Recall remake
- Tom Hanks, fifty-percent of Bubba Gump, will join the Wachowski brothers’ Cloud Atlas
- Bradley Cooper, who may have misunderstood his agent, may be starring in a remake of The Crow
- Michael Clarke Duncan who did something in that Daredevil thing, will do something in the Green Lantern thing
- Hugh Laurie, Dr. House’s alter ego, will star in the movie adaptation of Mr. Pip
- Russell Brand, our newest movie king, (bow to his pants), will star in the movie adaptation of Rock of Ages; Amy Adams, understandably so, is out
- Sally Field, who, yes, we really like her, will play Mary Todd Lincoln in Steven Spielberg’s Lincoln
- Hugh Jackman who’s apparently so busy making ten Real Steel movies is out of Snow White and the Huntsman
- Helena Bonham Carter and Jeremy Irvine will be all forlorn in a new adaptation of Great Expectations
- Ryan Gosling despite a seventeen-year age difference, is being considered to ride alongside Johnny Depp’s Tonto as the Lone Ranger in the new film adaption of the same title
That’s it for this week. I feel smarter. Don’t you?
Here are ten movies you might not have seen that you definitely should.
Safe
In her first leading role, Julianne Moore portrays a demur housewife who literally begins to do battle with her modern surroundings. While there are periods with very little dialogue, the movie is quite disturbing. As a person that has serious allergy problems, I can relate to the claustrophobia that sets in when you realize your problem is inescapable. In addition, the latter part of the movie is quite interesting because you start to wonder if she even has a problem at all.
(I don’t think this is currently in print on DVD)
Saved!
With Mandy Moore, Jena Malone, and a grown-up Macaulay Caulkin you really aren’t sure what to expect. However, as someone that has seen the religious right at its most extreme I can assure you this movie, while trying to be preposterous, is actually pretty accurate.
5 Fingers of Death
Anyone that is a Tarantino fan should see this movie if only to see a movie that served as inspiration for most of the Kill Bill films. It is an eye opener in the fact that you see how directors are inspired by certain movies and how they use that inspiration in their own movies. Many people would call it plagiarizing but I think it is just an ode to a forgotten genre.
Primer
An indie movie about a box, a storage place, and time travel. You would think it doesn’t work but for some reason it does. The movie looks great and takes what is usually a grandiose theme down to a more pedestrian level. It also won the Grand Jury Prize at Sundance in 2004, which kind of tells you what kind of film it is. Basically, not the science fiction film for your Nascar loving, action movie watching, white trash uncle.
The Last Unicorn
Yes, it is a cartoon but it voiced by Alan Arkin, Mia Farrow, Jeff Bridges and Angela Lansbury, among others. The voice acting and music are definitely top notch. Basically the last unicorn, is searching for others of her kind because she fears she is the last. It is kind of sad for a cartoon but makes up for it with its sheer storytelling power and ends up being quite magnificent and memorable.
The Last Picture Show
In another fictional town (this time in Texas), we see a coming of age story that features a relatively green cast surrounded by veteran character actors. It is a great story shot in black and white that is quite devastating. Being from a small town in Texas, myself, I can say this movie hits the nail on the head and captures the feeling quite perfectly. The cast as a whole delivers stand out performances with an especially great ones from Cloris Leachman, Ben Johnson, and Ellen Burstyn. We are also introduced to Cybill Shepherd, Timothy Bottoms, and get to see a young Jeff Bridges in action.
Here is Ben Johnsons Oscar-winning monologue for your enjoyment.
Dick
Michelle Williams and Kirsten Dunst befriend President Nixon only to find themselves in the midst of the Watergate scandal. I’ll start off by saying this film is a lot smarter and funnier than you think. Many of the subtle jokes are dead on balls accurate and entertained my aunt, a lawyer, who was very hesitant to watch this in the first place.
*batteries not included
Cute robots, old ladies and awful developers that want to tear her house down. I mean, the robots even make hamburgers! What is not to like?
Drop Dead Gorgeous
USA is a-okay! Amer-I can! These are just a few themes from the past American Teen Princess beauty pageants in the fictional small town of Mount Rose, MN. The movie has murder, hilarity, bad shellfish, and crazy plot points that keep you laughing until the end. In addition, you see Amy Adams early in her career as the promiscuous cheerleader. Also, DWTS contestant Kirstie Alley is hilarious as are Denise Richards, Allison Janney, Brittney Murphy Kirsten Dunst, and Ellen Barkin. See the trailer here.
Enter The Void
I know, I know, no one likes moist towellete come to life, Paz de la Huerta, but this movie rises above her (on a few different levels). This movie is best seen in a theater and possibly on some form of narcotics although it really is a drug on its own. It toys with a few different themes (including reincarnation) and is quite disturbing at a variety of points. Oh, and the credits are great. In fact, here they are!
The return of Ghostface! I wasn’t aware the Wu-Tang Clan had put out another album, but there you have it. No, really, this week’s movies are not about the Wu-Tang Clan; they’re about the resurrection of a long-thought-silly teen slasher franchise. Wes Craven is really a genius. He’s like a pack of lulling Sirens from The Odyssey. Yes, that’s what he is. He can literally lead teens on film to their deaths like no one else today. And Scream 4: The Screamiest Ever looks successful! (Well, almost.) This is a magnificent feat. Freddy Krueger is cashing his last unemployment check as we speak.
Scream 4:
The reviews so far have defied expectations, or at least are better than Neve Campbell could have hoped for.
In Scream 4, Sidney Prescott (Neve Campbell), now the author of a self-help book, returns home to Woodsboro on the last stop of her book tour. There she reconnects with Sheriff Dewey (David Arquette) and Gale (Courteney Cox), who are now married, as well as her cousin Jill (played by Emma Roberts) and her Aunt Kate (Mary McDonnell). Unfortunately Sidney’s appearance also brings about the return of Ghostface, putting Sidney, Gale, and Dewey, along with Jill, her friends, and the whole town of Woodsboro in danger.
What you can expect: In a rather effective ode to the original, Scream 4 brings back some of the chills and thrills that surprised many and opened the door to the slasher movie once again. Wes Craven, teen-gore master, is undaunted at his attempts to connect the next generation to the “pick them off one by one” horror genre. This time he uses everything in his arsenal, which is basically new technology and media. Naturally. If you’re going to make a teen slasher film, you have to get teens where they live, and that’s in their iPhones. Not totally sure what new areas there are to be explored within this formula, but unsurprisingly, Craven manages to pull it off. He must have a teen spy working with him, or he understands the youth better than most. He should write a book. Perhaps The Anarchist’s Guide to Raising Teenagers.
What could annoy: Aside from the fact that there’s a “4” after the title of this film…I’m placing my bets on Courteney Cox and David Arquette. No real reason in particular other than they were always a bit of a weird, annoying couple to begin with, and I very much wished their characters dead in the original movie. I just can’t fathom how they’ve survived this long. Which may not be a difficult question since after filming this movie, Cox effectively took a knife and slashed the remains of her marriage to Arquette.
Rio:
Pretty good reviews for the bird-brained animated feature.
From the makers of the hit ICE AGE series comes RIO, a comedy adventure about taking a walk on the wild side. Blu is a domesticated Macaw who never learned to fly, living a comfortable life with his owner and best friend Linda in the small town of Moose Lake, Minnesota. Blu and Linda think he’s the last of his kind, but when they learn about another Macaw who lives in Rio de Janeiro, they head to the faraway and exotic land to find Jewel, Blu’s female counterpart.
What you can expect: A colorful animated comedy. With plenty of famous voices including, Jesse Eisenberg, Anne Hathaway, Jamie Fox, Tracy Morgan, and Will i.am — this movie is overstuffed with acting and performance talent. While the story isn’t as moving or heartfelt as some of the Pixar releases we’ve seen as of late, it’s still a formidable bit of escapist fun for viewers who want a lot of party with their animation.
What could annoy: It looks a little bit like a colorful migraine, and some of us can only take that Black Eyed Peas thing in small, nearly miniscule doses. An entire movie of the Peas doing their thing could be harmful. All in all, the kids should like it. The adults, well, I dunno, ear plugs?
Indie Picks:
The Princess of Montpensier
Speaking the international language of love and the critics agree.
France, 1562. Against a background of the savage Catholic/Protestant wars, Marie de Mézières (Mélanie Thierry), a beautiful young aristocrat, and the rakish Henri de Guise (Gaspard Ulliel), fall in love, but Marie’s father has promised her hand in marriage to the Prince of Montpensier (Grégoire Leprince-Ringuet). When he is called away to battle, her husband leaves her in the care of Count Chabannes (Lambert Wilson), an aging nobleman with a disdain for warfare.
The short and sweet: Sprawling costume drama. Action, adventure, love and war. Basically a bodice ripper in movie form. Harlequin is taking notes.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2D5JTxLf_K4
The Double Hour
This art-house offering is getting rave reviews.
Guido (Timi), a former cop, is a luckless veteran of the speed-dating scene in Turin. But, much to his surprise, he meets Slovenian immigrant Sonia (Rappoport), a chambermaid at a high-end hotel. The two hit it off, and a passionate romance develops.
The short and sweet: Critics are throwing words around like “noir” and “psychological spookiness.” Here’s to hoping it lives up to the hype. Who doesn’t love a well-constructed psychological thriller? It’s said to have many twists and turns, which, done right, can lead you to Mulholland Drive, Les Diaboliques or The Vanishing. Done wrong, you get Body of Evidence starring Madonna or Sliver starring Sharon Stone. Feh.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D4yzgbspy5Y
Blech. I can’t imagine what a Russell Brand kiss would be like. I imagine sort of like the mashing of sweetly decaying mango with the hairy tickle of an ape called Trudy.
You guys, though — you guys think he’s a movie God derived straight from Zeus’s naughty place. Behold what you’ve done.
1) Hop — $21.7 Million
A drunk bunny living in a penthouse. He’s walking the streets of New York City hoping to find love, a purpose, possibly a mother figure conjured out of a shrewish Mary Poppins person but with less singing, and more commentary than is comfortable about his sexual exploits. Since the biggest fear a drunk bunny can ever have is being a destitute drunk bunny, he needs to find a wife. Preferably one who’s obviously in the rages of a severe career meltdown to have thought hanging out with a drunk bunny, and his bevy of unfunny jokes about being a stunted toddler, was the way to say to the world, “Hey, I’m not just the wife of an actor whose best movie was being the best friend of another actor. Oh, no! I’m my own person. I’m funny. See! I’m funny!” cry, garble, cry, crumple-face. But the drunk bunny doesn’t want Jennifer Garner as his love interest. No, he wants Greta Gerwig, strange, indie, earnest-faced sibling-esque Gerwig, with whom he actually has no romantic chemistry, mostly because the world is really all about him, and his silly pants, and his Silly-Putty face-mush, and his desperate, all consuming need for us to love him, his bunny feet, and his dervish of random banter resulting in the destruction of comedy as we know it.
2) Arthur — $12.6 Million
Russell Brand (in a top hat no less!) and James Marsden are roommates! This dynamic duo team of Bosom Buddies is all about rock and roll, chicks (like literally) and Holiday Jesus marshmallow fun! R.Bro and J.Dude are going to set the world on fire with their ability to woo the likes of any upright standing female, from popstars to c-list actresses. No one will ever be better at catching the ladies than these two. Except they need to have access, and a ladies-only apartment building is just the place. Uh-oh…but they’re guys. What will they do? Well, of course dress up as women and move in! Hopefully no one will notice the two broad shouldered, coarse-haired, gigantic ladies with Adam apples the size of the Chrysler building. Of course they won’t. But every time these two lotharios come in close contact with the unsuspecting ladies, something wonky happens and oops what do you know hijinks ensue complete with make-up, pantyhose, and wigs made from the regenerating scalp Donald Trump keeps in a hyperbaric chamber. While Brand falls all over himself with his palsy-ridden, elastic bones — Marsden will keep the ladies entertained with his shirtless meanderings and mouth as wide as two Julia Roberts mandibles full of Velociraptor teeth and the skinless skulls of various paparazzi!
(Does it really matter that these two movies are completely different? No. It’s all interchangeable really. America has made no distinction between Russell Brand and the existence of movies that he isn’t the star of.)
3) Hanna — $12.3 Million
A blond snow princess will break all your body bones and then run for hours. This movie should have been titled, Hanna Will Run Nonstop — Pop Your Tibia — And Then Run Some More. The End. No, seriously, this was really it. Oh, some people will be all angry weird because she’s a running, bone-crunching machine. I imagine there are uses for these types of teenagers in the world. Instead of texting, sexting, and twittering their Facebooks off and the like, they should be trained to dislocate shoulders. I think this could be a useful trade. Sort of like working for the DMV. The people at the DMV secretly love their jobs, especially watching you walk from line to line, just to say that you don’t have Form B, or you didn’t fill out section 17a, and then send you back to line 4, which hasn’t moved in over an hour because line 6, which you’re currently in, sends everyone back to line 4. Yes, yes, I think there is joy in this. And so would there be for patella-punching teens. Imagine the DMV with more Kung Fu and broken kneecaps! Fantastic. Teens need an outlet, I think. I’d rather they slap an eardrum than let the bastion of exploitation named Teen Mom decide their futures. Right? Right.
4) Soul Surfer — $11.1 million
Well, obviously, if you want to see some sort of religious movie that stars a vicious non-human creature than you should see Hop, or Russell Brand and James Marsden yukking it up, or Peter Scolari doing dinner theatre in Albuquerque while he writes threatening messages to Tom Hanks. No, no, that’s not it. You should probably see this little movie about a girl with one arm and prayer. Or maybe not. This country is sad. We don’t like miracle sea-limbs. We’d much rather see a drunk vaudevillian carnival carney with Land of the Lost Chaka-brows. Yes, that’s it. Sorry soul-surfing teen with your celestial surf board. You’re really no match for the anointed, walking Katy Perry tattoo. He’s really that unstoppable. Maybe if you crash into him with your board and can maybe pop some patellas, like the snow princess who may have burst from Eric Bana’s boring loins, you may stand a chance of dethroning our new president, King Hairy Chuckle-Pants.
5) Insidious — $9.7 Million
Have they really tried to rid the house of all evil? Not just the little evils that live in the basement, or the attic, or under the sink. But all the little dusty evils under the bed? Because obviously, when they work their way up to the bed proper, they get caught in the mattress folds and then you have an infestation. That’s what leads to possession. It’s not really the evil you can see and hear. It’s the teeny, tiny, little evils that you can take with you to your office. The ones that stick to your desk chair and the carpeting. Next thing you know, you need an exorcism in your bedroom, and then at your office, because all the evils have procreated and multiplied. Now you have evils and devils. The devils…yeah, those are just the worst. They just impregnate everything. Next thing you know you have to burn your sheets, because you can’t just wash out the devil. You literally have to set it on fire and then buy all new things. But you better make sure you’ve completely rid the house of everything, or they’ll just come back, with more and more, because they’re so stubborn those evils and the devils. So just be sure you get it all.
Apropos of Nothing:
Your Highness came in sixth place raking in $9.5 million, which means Natalie Portman’s brilliant Oscar follow-up was this close to getting in the top five this weekend, which would have meant at least something redeemable, maybe. To not even get on the board means starring in this movie was as bad a decision as she thought it would be. She’ll laugh it off, though. And when someone brings it up, she’ll look really tight in the face and remark how genius she thinks James Franco is and how much she’d like to work with him in the future on a more serious project. To which Franco will say, “Bong! Pass it over.”