Speedy tough guys, and Paul Walker…dancing bird-brains, the purpose of a fat suit, Robert Pattinson’s dilemma, and why Disney just needs to grow up.
This weekend’s movies need a time-out.
1) Fast Five – $83.6 Million
So Vin Diesel and Paul Walker have powered their way to victory in supped up Corvettes screeching down the veins of The Rock’s biceps. Who would have thought this fifth movie about street racing book thieves would have hauled in so much cash? Certainly not Paul Walker, that chiseled, blue-eyed movie version of a lampshade. If not speeding around in these Fast and the Furious movies, I’m not sure what Paul Walker does all day. How does he make money? Maybe he takes online surveys. That’s got to be it. There he is answering questions about fabric softener and then Vin Diesel calls and says in his gravel-garble voice, “Paul. Wanna make some money?” And that’s all it takes. Like a lightening bolt he’s on set hopping through the window of some supernaturally fast vehicle, peeling out, and careening halfway down the street until a production assistant tells him filming hasn’t started yet and perhaps he should wait in his trailer. That stupid PA just doesn’t understand Paul’s enthusiasm. It’s not everyday he’s called to be in a movie. His movie appearances are the rarest of rare things like seeing assless chaps, Halley’s Comet, or Ryan Phillippe.
2) Rio – $14.4 Million
Apparently these birds are still shaking their tail feathers to the mechanical screams of Will.i.am’s autotuned intestinal garbage. If I were a bird on vacation the last thing I’d want while sitting in my beach chair in Rio de Janeiro is some Black Eyed Pea shouting musical obscenities in my general direction. I think I’d much rather lick my feathers and hope for some gourmet breadcrumbs or something. Being forced to perform and dance to the bleating sounds of someone’s soulless danceatronic cash register would feel a little dirty and exploitive. Tom Hanks doesn’t have to put up with such nonsense. He gets the lovable sad basset hound that is Randy Newman singing about friendship and joy, while these superstar carnival birds have to put up with the lyrical equivalent of regurgitated cat-mash on a carpet. Thanks, Fox Animation. You’ve really proven to be visionaries in the whole dancing bird genre. Next time, how about you ask us if we want Rebecca Black to do the theme song for the upcoming Dora the Explorer movie called Viernes, Viernes, Viernes.
3) Madea’s Big Happy Family – $10.1 Million
Do you think a large woman suit is uncomfortable? I think it’s possible it’s a little hard to breathe in a large woman suit. I don’t know for sure since I’ve never thought to wear a large woman suit. I wouldn’t think there’s a purpose for creating one if not for some sort of immediate danger. I think perhaps we should canvass all the large woman suit wearers, Tyler, Eddie, Martin, Robin, and find out if they’re safe for inhabitants, because you just never know when you’ll need to put one on. Perhaps when an avalanche is coming and it’s the only thing that can protect you and ultimately save your life. I wouldn’t second guess it. It’s probably pretty simple. You buy the large woman suit at the local army navy store, fill it with beef jerky, a canteen, a few lanterns, sleeping bags, a first aid kit, a tent, an air raid siren, life preservers, a bull whip, two cans of beans, flares, rock climbing apparatus, and non-perishable Twinkies, and then you should be all set. No need for a bomb shelter or anything! You just need a fully stocked large woman suit. Your survival depends on it! Tyler Perry should work for NASA. This is the purpose for this, right? It’s not just about comedy is it?
4) Water for Elephants – $9.1 Million
This little movie about love amongst the pachyderms has slipped steadily since its opening weekend. Well, that was unexpected. Surely Rob Patts and Reese Withers were hoping this little soft-focus ditty would catapult them into the serious movies about serious beautiful things race. Instead it seems that in the captions after both their names it will still read Twilight and Legally Blonde. Bummer. This is just the sort of movie that could have changed their captions for good, right? Imagine if Julia Roberts still had Mystic Pizza next to hers, or if Brad Pitt was continually saddled with Cool World next to his? Frustrating. Changing the caption after your name seems difficult and rightly so. It’s just got to be harder than, well, landing in a DeNiro movie…because then it would just say, “The stars of the Twilight and Fockers movies team up for Garbage Men: A Mob Story of Glory” and that just won’t help. So it looks like both Pattison and Witherspoon will still have to smile at all their glittering-chest and pink mini-skirt fans despite actually having an Oscar or dreaming about one while discussing Bella’s pulsing uteri in interviews for the next Twilight installment, Breaking Dawn: Virgin No More.
5) Prom – $5.0 Million
Disney is hilarious. They actually think teens want to see their movies. No, not at all. Nine-year olds chaperoned by their mothers want to see their movies, which is possibly why this movie was way off its mark. No self-respecting teenager would go see this thing about…what, being asked to the prom? Sure, kids still go to their proms, but no one is soo geeked up about it that they’re like, “You know what I need? Yes, a movie about the prom! Getting asked! The dress! My dreamy date! Dinner at Applebee’s! Just so much sqquuueeeee in a candy wrapped pile of sugar sqqueeee!” No. Have you seen what passes for high-school entertainment nowadays? Er, yeah, teens are so past the whole prom thing, Disney. But you guys go right on ahead and keep making your dippity-doo-wop bobby socks and 45 records movies about singular events in teens lives. Maybe next you can make a movie called Sadie Hawkins Dance! or I Use Deodorant Now! I’m thinking these will all be a big hit with your demographic age group. Meanwhile most parents are probably hoping their little teen dumplings don’t end up on 16 and Pregnant, that MTV sponsored teen pregnancy show. How about you do a movie about that, eh, Disney? You could call it, Prom: The Birth Canal. Awful. No, don’t do this.
