That’s it America. You need to be officially cut off. No, seriously. You no longer know how to spend money wisely. Haha! Not that you really ever did. Now, though, you’ve taken your ability to spend money on the most ridiculous of things and upped the ante by allowing Kim Kardashian, irredeemable money goblin, to rid you of hard earned dollars through her very own game app.
What in the world of Light and Jesus does a Kim Kardashian game app do? Well for, we imagine, girls and young women the same age of at least 2% of the Bruce Jenner offspring, it’s a noxious social climbing game that rivals the trashiest of Kardashian-Seacrest E! Network collabominations in existence, but now you, the player, can be the sex-tape driven mogul of your very own delusional fantasy! And get this, by game’s end, after you’ve worked up a sheen of anxiety and near pill addiction type hysteria, you’ll be told whether you’ve made the A-list or are some sort of Kardashian version of a D-Lister, which if you divide by seven, and carry the one, should really mean that you’ve made it onto a list that doesn’t have a categorical representation. It’s just the silly-speak of a troglodyte, money vulture who says crazy things to athletes and rap stars like, “Let’s Get Married, Amirite! Givenchy Noodle Diamonds!”
In all seriousness, Kim Kardashian: Hollywood is probably such a stroke of idiot savant-esque genius that it’s stunning it took this long to create. It is the kind of vapid, mind-numbing, values gobbling, supreme waste of time offering that while apparent, just speaks to our collective ability to throw money down the drain just because it sounds kitschy and entertaining and is ridiculous just on the merit that IT’S RIDICULOUS so why don’t I spend money to proliferate it into relevancy just for kicks. We’ve seen the same mindset with the invention of the “Yo” app, a thing that lets prehistoric man shout a monosyllabic mouth utterance at another prehistoric humanoid to the satisfaction of both parties through technology that took millions of years to create.
There’s also the potato salad kickstarter, which is such an insane thing, that it surely needs it’s own sociological study. Funding for the kickstarter, which initially would see one man create a bowl of potato salad for the edification of no one or thing, jumped to $70,000 before losing $30,000, and landing somewhere around $50,000 with a stern pledge from the creator to give most of the money, after potato salad ingredients are bought and used, to charity. But really what else could he say. “Hey, I’m a craven human being that will certainly profit off of being the first such swindler to use crowdfunding to make the point that 1) people are bored and will spend a few dollars on anything that doesn’t smell like actual charity because it makes people feel bad and giving to “potato salad nonsense” makes people feel fun and engaged and part of a weird community of likeminded frivolous givers 2) I really was just obnoxious enough to do it, but in realizing that I’d be known nationally as this obnoxious, silly person, I just had to change my focus or be forcibly outed as the douche that spent the potato money?”
Yeah, we’re sure, Zack Brown of Zack Brown’s First Mistake Was Attaching His Name to the Kickstarter, that you had no desire to pocket your kickstarter funds and your goal was altruistic from the very start, and where shall we send our check for the Brooklyn Bridge?
Rex W. Huppke of the Chicago Tribune says it pretty well:
So rather than encourage people to give money directly to a good cause — a plea some tend to ignore — I’ve assembled a list of far more interesting things we should immediately start raising money to support.
1) The human on/off switch.
2) More supermoons.
3) Orgasms!
4) A cannon to launch Donald Trump into space.
5) Feeling no pain and living longer…We could just roll the extra proceeds together and buy an island where donors could live, pain-free, in a state of suspended consciousness, waking only occasionally to orgasm, feast on potato salad and fire Donald Trump up toward the glorious supermoon.
And now Bloomberg, BLOOMBERG!, financial institution Bloomberg, has confirmed that the Kim Kardashian descent into godlessness game app has not only risen as high as second among most-downloaded free-to-play games, but that it certainly does stand to make Kardashian and the creator $200 million by getting users to make in-app purchases. “Users can spend as much as $99.99 for 175,000 virtual dollars,” says Bloomberg. Can you imagine spending that much money for “clothing or a burst of energy needed for traipsing through Hollywood?” This is a thing you can do. This is a thing you can spend money on! The outcome of which you receive…a bustier for an animated play-person in order to become an A-lister in a make-believe world run and judged by the success of Kim Kardashian.
The bottom line here, folks, is it’s probably not a good idea to mindlessly use your opposable thumbs to just jab at every little blinking button that says “Play Me,” “Fund Me,” or “Download Me.” Frankly, the Kim Kardashians of the world don’t need your money. But probably a very good cause that helps many, many fellow citizens does. Why not kickfund the hell out of one of them and let Kim, the Yo! dude, and potato guy, muddle through…some other way.
Image: Gabby-Facciani