Aubrey Plaza

Have you got a case of the Mondays, little birds? So early? Well, pour yourself a cup of coffee, pull up a chair, play that sad, sad tune and get ready for your favorite dose of bad comedy and poorly researched history: Life, Death and Violence! We feel really good today, because there are no thirteen year olds with Wikipedia pages today. In fact, everyone that was born and has a Wikipedia page is older than us! So we only have to feel like we’re complete failures when compared to people who are 22 or older. That’s right. Those people are 22. When we’re 22, we’ll have a Wikipedia page. This is what we tell ourselves even though we turn 22 one month from today exactly (mark your calendars!). Honestly, we don’t know why we don’t already when we’ve appeared in four seconds of television over the span of two episodes of a C-List MTV show. I mean, come on. Well, let’s get to it. We’ve got our press coffee and probably didn’t read Jailbird in time for the book club yesterday. By the way, there are 313 days left in the year. MiNombreEsChris and Splendorinda, PUT YO HANDS UP FOR DETROIT! The 3-1-3. The D. The Dirty!

Detroit Rock City, yo. Take that Bushwick.

LIFE! (None of these people are from the new Brooklyn)

1728: Peter the III: He was emperor of Russia until he was assassinated on the orders of his wife Catherine (who would become Catherine the Great and one of the world’s greatest art collectors). He was also the heir to the Swedish throne, but turned it down to lead Russia instead (easy access to booze is always an incentive to a minor becoming a monarch).
He also has the distinction of being named the King of Finland for a short while and not being told so (our parents never told us anything at 14, either, so don’t feel bad about that Peter). He was a drunken, pro-Prussian idiot with smallpox that made him way ugly, too, so it’s no wonder his wife had him offed so that she could become the most celebrated Tsarina in all of Russia and amass a legendary art collection. Thems the breaks, Petey! Better luck next time! Okay, okay, we’re being mean. He wasn’t all bad. He abolished the Secret Police and proclaimed religious freedom, something that was revolutionary at the time and that not even those liberal pansies in Western Europe did.

1860: Sir William Goscombe John: What a name! This Welsh sculptor who worked in the gothic style (or, more correctly, the neo-gothic style) spent his youth restoring castles with his dad, which is awesome.

He made a lot of statues for a lot of people, notably John Cory and his wife and was granted a correspondence membership to the French Institute, a Prominent French Place for Prominent French People that sometimes lets Prominent Outsiders into their Prominent French Place so that everyone can feel Prominent and Important because they are, to steal a line from NYMag, The Most Important People in the World.

William Goscombe John is one of these Important People because of the French Institute and he better not forget it!

You hear that, Bill? Don’t forget it or the French will cut you. They. Will. Cut you.

1927: Count Hubert James Marcel Taffin de Givenchy: One of the most famed couturiers of the Twentieth Century, Givenchy was responsible for the majority of Audrey Hepburn’s wardrobe and what a name! Sorry Will Jahcombover, you’ve been topped. Anyways, his daddy was the Marquis de Givenchy and he named his label Givenchy and his brother became in charge of the family perfume business which was eventually sold to Veuve Cliquot before moving over to Louis Vuitton Moet Hennesy (LVMH) to be with the womenswear line.
He idolized Cristobal Balenciaga (who of us doesn’t?) and had a slew of celebrity clients including Jackie O., Grace Kelly and the Guinness Girls (the 60s ones. Not Daphne) before finally retiring in 1995. His selection for who would succeed him was rejected by LVMH in favor of the more well known John Galliano. Today the label is run by Ricardo Tisci who we think does a good job.
He never married.

1989: Corbin Bleu: The High School Musical star and lovechild of Corbin Fisher and Randy Blue’s French cousin (Justin Guarini was the surrogate) turns 22 today. Happy Birthday!

DEATH! (But what do I wear to a funeral in the new Brooklyn?)

Let’s ask Goofus and Gallant.

Gallant: Aubrey is dressed properly for a funeral. Solemn, but seductive in case she meets an attractive bachelor at the service.

Goofus: Tuck in that shirt, young man! And straighten that tie! It’s a funeral, not a frat party.

1513: Pope Julius II: Pope Julius II was the coolest pope ever. Why? He funded Michelangelo and you people all now how we feel about Michelangelo! He’s the guy who commissioned our good friend Mikey B to build a massive mausoleum smack dab in the middle of St. Peters. Too bad The Warrior Pope ended up with a bedbug filled walk-up in Sunset Park instead of movin on up, to the east side, and that dee-luxe apartment in the sky.

He had his iconic, rockin beard for less than a year. He grew it in mourning for the loss of the city of Bologna to outside forces under General Oscar Mayer, breaking the rules of canon law. You know what? Pope Julius II don’t care. Why? Because Pope Julius II is the honey badger who ever did pape the papacy. That’s why he’s also called “The Fearless Pope.”

The Vatican thought “The Honey Badger Pope” sounded too cool and that people would start worshiping the honey badger because honey badger don’t give a shit. Honey badger don’t care if he’s Divinity. He’s too busy passing out from cobra venom, but look, he’s gotten right back up. Honey badger.

1965: Malcolm X: The original spokesman for Ray-Ban® Clubmaster™ was assassinated in New York.

1974: Tim Horton: We’re at a loss for words, dear friends. This wasn’t just a man. This wasn’t just a hockey player. This was the man who created Tim Horton’s Coffee and Donut. We owe such a debt to this man. We wouldn’t have functioned in high school if it weren’t for the combination Wendy’s/Tim Horton’s across the street. We even went as a Canadian robot one year for Halloween. Its name? Tim-Bot 3000. Yeah, we named him after TimBits. We’re going to go get an iced capp right now in his honor and we think you all should too, assuming of course, you’re near a Tim Horton’s. We know that LeZig is because she’s in Toronto, that most Canadian of all Canadian cities. We bet there’s even two that are across the street from each other like there used to be for Starbucks in New York until The Dark Times. You be safe up there Timmy Ho! We’re pourin a little coffee on the ground in your honor. Don’t worry, we’re doin’ it over a sewer so as not to cause a mess, eh. Wouldn’t want to not be polite. Peace, Timmy. Peace. You’re a golden man and we’ll love you forever.

VIOLENCE! (You think Bed-Stuy is dangerous. Honey, get to Crack Mile)

1952: Students in East Pakistan were shot while protesting for the establishment of Bengali as the national language. Bengali became the national language, but we ask ourselves, was it worth dying for? We’re not sure, but we live in a country without a national language.
1953: Gerald Holtom designs the peace sign for the Campaign for Nuclear Disarmament. Peace out, bros!

OTHER NEAT THINGS THAT HAPPENED TODAY (Besides, of course, our declaration that Detroit is the new Brooklyn)

1848: Karl Marx and Friedrich Engels publish the Communist Manifesto, thus screwing up the world for the rest of eternity because people can’t separate Communism from Leninism or Maoism, let alone Socialism
1878: The first phone book is published, thus killing trees for the next 133 years.

1918: The last Carolina Parakeet died in the Cincinnati Zoo. Pretty sad. They’re really colorful and pretty, but now they’re extinct.

1925: The New Yorker publishes their first issue and begins tickling our funny bone with their cartoons.
1947: Polaroid introduces the first instant camera paving way for New Age Fun with a Vintage Feel from the good folks at Hipstamatic™ or, if you have a Droid, Retro Camera.
1948: VROOOOOOOOOOOOooooomommmmmmmmm. NASCAR starts.
1975: The Watergate guys are sentenced
1995: Steve Fossett lands in Saskatchewan after crossing the Pacific Ocean. In a hot air balloon. This guy is the honey badger of people and we here at Life, Death and Violence, your #1 source for poorly thought out research have actually procured the only known photograph of Mr. Fossett during his crossing of the Pacific.