Tech

477 posts

#Crasstalk COW-Art Within Art

For as long as I’ve been a member of the various commenting communities from which we all spawn, my feeling has been that best internet comments are a form of art.  They require a certain element of timing not unlike a comedian’s, as well as an element of wordplay and the ability to draw a picture with words akin to a skilled writer.  Great comments don’t just happen, they take skill, and sometimes, even a a little bit of a set-up.

We saw many examples of this throughout the week around here.  Why?  Well, obviously, because we have some of the smartest, funniest folks on this here internet.

One example comes to us from Thursday evening’s Open Thread, courtesy of Homoviper and CaptainSnarky:

Sometimes, our nominations come from within the same thread in which we announced our last winner.  It’s very meta:

However, as I mentioned above, commenting is indeed an art form at times.  Our winner this week elevated the art of commenting to a discussion of an artistic act during and artistic event.  That’s so meta, it just has to win.   From last night’s Open Thread, our winner is Dancing Queen!  Take a bow, dear! Just don’t stay bent over too long!

On a side note, thank you again to everyone who’s been sending along nominations.  If I could, I’d include every nomination I get into the COW post, but you all don’t have the attention span for that, and you know it.  Please keep them coming to [email protected].

Escaping the Bounds of “Regular” Employment in IT

Let me tell you a tale of a former IT worker. He started out as a Novell server administrator, then moved on to Windows NT, then moved on to Solaris, and AIX, and Linux, and Mainframe, and middleware, and webmaster, and finally became a first line manager while also doing technical work.

What started out as a fun 9 to 5 job soon became 8 to 5 and then 8 to 6 and then 7 to 6 and then hey I’m bored on a sunny Saturday summer afternoon, let me blow into the office and get some stuff done while no one is using the system.

And then there were Easter weekends spent relocating server farms from one building to another, and Fourth of Julys spent on conference calls with the customer, and New Years Eves spent on conference bridges with dozens of people making sure everything ran as the clock ticked over.

And then there were plans with friends canceled at the last minute, and parties he never got to go to, and lunches not taken, and vacations that were basically a Blackberry and a laptop taken to another state where he worked four hours a day instead of ten or twelve. Some vacation.

None of this extra time worked was ever compensated. He never got comp time or overtime pay. It was just expected that he would put in the hours because it was a part of the job.

And then, when he thought things were really moving along, after about 15 years of constant advancement, his employer pulled the rug out from under him and laid him off. In the middle of the worst recession, ever.

What to do, what to do? He picked himself up, inventoried his skills, and talked to some guys who used to work for him when he was a first line manager. These guys were contractors, and they had the life. They did not work overtime, because they were paid for overtime. They did not worry about making sure that silly, pointless annual reviews were completed. They did not worry about process and procedure. They came in, did what they were hired to do, and they went home. The end.

So he learned the ins and outs of being an IT contractor from people who had been in the business for a good number of years… and now he passes their advice on to you.

First and foremost: Are you a corp-to-corp contractor, or are you a W2 contractor? This is a critical decision. If you are a W2 contractor, you are an employee of a recruiting or consulting firm. You will have taxes taken out of your pay, you will probably have access to health insurance and a 401(k). You will not earn paid time off for sickness or vacation.

If you are a corp-to-corp contractor, you are responsible for errors and omissions insurance, you have to pay all the taxes that a W2 employer would pay, you do not have access to any group health insurance or retirement plans and yes, you also do not earn paid time off, because you are treated as a corporate entity, not an employee. So why would a contractor choose to be a corp-to-corp contractor? Money. Plain and simple. A recruiting company looking for a contract employee will usually offer two rates: a W2 rate and a corp-to-corp rate. A junior system administrator role, for example, would probably pay $42 an hour at a W2 rate and $55 an hour at a corp-to-corp rate.

If you think you want to hang with the big dogs and be a corp-to-corp contractor, consider that the following is a list of a few of the many items you will be responsible for: computer hardware and software; office equipment and furniture; business stationery and marketing materials; web site hosting and design; costs of incorporation; marketing and advertising; car and other business travel; business entertainment; telecommunications services; accounting, legal and other professional services; and ongoing training, professional books, subscriptions, and memberships.

Scary, huh? There are people with an eye for business who can keep track of all these things and still knock out great technical work, day in and day out. If that’s not you, look for a W2 consulting gig.

You’ve decided what type of contractor you will be and have taken the appropriate steps. Now: what skills do you have to offer? Take a look at your last few positions, or your duties over the last few years if you only had one employer. What could you call yourself a “subject matter expert” in, what topics did people come to you first for answers when they had a thorny problem? Do you have any certifications or special training? Things like these will dictate how you market yourself.

If you specialize in one thing (database administration, web design, security, etc) then it gets even easier to find the right job. Employers looking for hired guns like specialists, because they (think they) know what they are getting.

If you are a generalist, you’ve got a bit of an uphill climb. Do you work on multiple platforms? Can you handle database administration and web design and system administration and network design and implementation? Look for contract gigs in all of those areas, and tailor your resume for each gig you apply for. Yes, it’s more work, but them’s the breaks. You’ve got lots of skills, and the employer who picks you will be grateful for them.

Once you have landed your first consulting job, there’s things you have to do outside of work hours. First, you have to keep prospecting for new business. Keep reaching out to contract firms, recruiting firms, former co-workers. Anyone who could possibly get you a job. Second, you have to have some sort of filing system. Get a filing cabinet and start organizing receipts, contracts, work orders, legal papers, anything related to your consulting gigs. Setup regular backups for your computers and follow the backup schedule with the fervor of a true believer. Oh, and be sure to occasionally do restores, too, so you can be sure that your backups are actually backing things up.

Time management — it’s critical! You’re billing by the hour, and more likely than not, you’re working from home or at a remote location. You must develop the discipline to work during the hours you’re billing, and not “clock out” to go shopping, corral the kids, watch a movie, etc. Work hours are sacred, and not to be interrupted, because as a contractor you have lost the ability to tell your employer “my dog ate it” or “I got backed up by other stuff and I’ll have that done next Tuesday.” That ain’t gonna fly any more. You have to be better, faster and smarter than the “regular” employees.

Just so you know, sound time management will pay you back handsomely, because while you’re working like a demon during work hours, you’re also not working during non-work hours. If you are not on the clock, you are free as a bird. This is the wonderful part of the consulting gig. At the appointed hour, turn off that laptop and run for the hills! Enjoy your ability to completely divorce yourself from your job while the “regular employees” you work with suffer working unpaid overtime until they drop. Just don’t rub their noses in it, mmmkay?

Next up — mind your technology. Are you still using Windows 95? Of course you aren’t. Make a plan to keep your technology and your skills current. You can take a tax deduction (check with your accountant on the rules around this — you DO have an accountant, right?) for training and other job related expenses. Schedule time every month to visit vendor websites, in-person demonstrations, and networking groups. Budget hardware and software upgrades, and participate in beta test programs so you can see what’s coming before the general public, and your client base. Buy technical books and read them. If that’s not for you, look for classes in your field at your local community college.

Once you’ve established yourself as an IT consultant, you are free to pick and choose your assignments, concentrating on areas you find interesting and challenging. While you’re chewing on that, consider these questions to determine whether this is something you want to do.

  • Do You Thrive in a Constantly Changing Work Environment? Consultants are on the move, from client to client, working in a variety of organizations. To succeed, you must be able to quickly adapt to your changing environment and get up to speed.
  • Can You Handle the Pressure of Constant Deadlines and Commitments? More often than not, consultants work on time-sensitive projects and are constantly pressured to deliver, deliver, deliver. Can you handle the stress?
  • Do You Have Strong Team-Building and Leadership Skills? Teaming is the preferred method of operation in most companies today. Virtually no one works independently. Rather, you are engaged as a consultant to either participate on a team or lead it. Do you have the required management, leadership and communication skills to work with a team?
  • Are You a Talented, Confident, Articulate and Self-Motivated Marketer? Most consultants, other than those employed with the largest consulting firms, must sell their consulting services to build new client relationships. Regardless of your specialization, you must be an astute marketer who can quickly communicate your knowledge, expertise and value to prospective clients.

So there you have it. You can go the W2 consulting route, and have a company pimp you out, or if you are the Gordon Gecko type, you can captain your own ship through the choppy waters of business.

Or, you can remain an employee, put in extra uncompensated time, and be under-appreciated.

The choice is yours.

How to Throw an Adult Easter Egg Hunt with eHow

Of course, you were searching for “How to Throw an Adult” and landed on this page. Then you got curious and your mind wandered to exactly what happens at an adult egg hunt. (Also, if someone ever combined the eHow of porn and the eHow of conception, Adult Egg Hunt should also be the title.) You’re a liberated, Cosmo-reading woman of the ’90s, so kick up your heels, have a drink, head to the nearest adult book shop and talk your friends into abandoning their kids. Because it’s Easter! Continue reading

How to Benefit from Writing for Free

When I started blogging seven years ago, I had no idea who would read me or how long I would continue down this path. I love writing and have been told I’m pretty good at it. I’ve been fortunate to make a few shekels at it, but this is not something I do full-time. Because of that, I’m always happy to type off a few hundred words that will appear across the Internet to express my opinion, give advice, or evangelize on behalf of my favorite bands. 

That said, there is very vocal camp who side against doing much of anything for free if there will not be a financial payoff down the road. For example, take former Huffington Post writer Jonathan Tasini, who is suing the site, and its new owner, AOL, to the tune of $105M on behalf of contributors (and himself, of course) who submitted content to the site for which they were unpaid. As you may already know, the Huffington Post was recently acquired by AOL for a whopping $315M.

It’s important to note they willingly and knowingly submitted free content to the site. That said, there is a precedent of unpaid workers, former AOL workers no less, receiving payment as part of a lawsuit settlement. It only took them about a decade to see that money.

So, if you’re not the litigious type–and frankly, that’s not really a great route to take–here are some ways to benefit from writing for free.

First and foremost, promote yourself.
While it’s great to hype other writers, get your own work out in front of as many eyes as possible. As the Huffington Post grew in popularity across the Web, those unpaid contributors likely saw their names rise through the ranks of search engines, especially if they wrote on a specific topic consistently. Whether you share news of your latest article on various social media sites or cross-post it on other blogs, make sure your name (or nom de plume) is out there next to the title of your piece.

Make a commitment to yourself.
Set a goal of only writing as much as you can, when you can. If you can only commit to writing for a total of three hours a month, be OK with that. You can’t get fired!

Do not stress over original content.
Sure, you may set out with a goal to submit original content to a site each and every time, but one of the great things about writing for free is being able to tailor existing content to a different audience. Perhaps you wrote a piece a few years ago, but want to revisit the topic. You don’t have to reinvent the wheel. Update your content, or not, and use the opportunity to get it in front of new people. This is a great tip to use when you have other things going on in your life that may prevent you from writing. Similarly, if there’s a topic that you’d love to write about, but want to receive payment for, don’t submit it for free. Instead, submit it to a publication — online or print — that will pay you for your words.

Know when to say “No.” (Aka be “The Gambler.”)
As the song says, “you’ve got to know when to fold ‘em.” If work, or life in general, takes over, know when to walk away. Never feel guilty about making time for yourself. More than likely, you’re writing for free because it’s a hobby and not something you’d pursue professionally. When it stops being fun, stop.

Do not expect/anticipate a payday later.
Unless there is a formal agreement in place at the outset of your agreeing to write for a site that if/when the site turns a profit, you will be paid, assume you will never see a single cent. Instead, leverage your writing into other opportunities. Building a portfolio of content you actually like writing about could lead to a new job or fun freelance gig.

Ignorance and Bigotry in Serendipity and Harmony

 

Folks, meet Ah Be Ignorant.  We’ll call her Abby, and I will reveal nothing else about her except her own words.  On a website which won’t be named and isn’t the one I fled in droves, Abby and I both read an article about an archeolgical dig that discovered a man’s remains from The Copper Age (about 5000 years ago).  Our prehistoric gent was buried facing to the left, with a number of jars and pots.

No big deal?  Well, burial rituals were very serious business back then, and that burial position and accoutrements were reserved exclusively for women.  Tabloids screamed: “GAY CAVEMAN FOUND!” and scientists went all a-dither.  While this is an interesting discovery, you simply can’t tell someone’s sexual orientation by what they were buried in.  We’re sure based on the age of the bones that he wasn’t a “caveman,” and we can’t tell for sure if he was gay.

On the smirking site for old people, the findings were published as just that – interesting, perhaps as an indicator of social acceptance for different gender expressions.  We know that “third-gender” is a concept recognized by anthropologists.  Except for Abby.

Abby wrote: Glad I’m sitting down, because I would have fallen over laughing.

Really, Abby?  The very idea of gay people existing over the span of time is funny?   The idea that the manner of burial suggests something is absurd?

So I looked at her picture, and without taking into account the glazed look in the dead raisins of her eyes or the way her doughy face cracked open to reveal a roll of stale Mentos melting in the sun of a Murfreesboro parking lot, and without considering the fact that her dog looks like a Hell-o-Lab rather than a Yellow one, I wrote:

I hope they’re sitting down in 3011 when they dig you up and find Fido and a jar of Skippy peanut butter.

Naturally, the author of the article deleted my comment, but not before Abby responded: I’ve never eaten peanut butter in my life and if they want to dig me up, I won’t give a flying fig!

I suppose I should have been more graphic.  But I did sign in as Heywood Jablowme, so I had to draw a line.

Stupid people.  Making America more of an anti-intellectual hole every day.  Full story, from another site: http://www.salon.com/entertainment/tv/feature/2011/04/08/gay_caveman_absurdity/

The Hairy Ball Theorem

If you have the type of not too short hair that completely succumbs to gravity, you will have a cowlick somewhere on your head.** It’s a direct consequence of a mathematical theorem called the hairy ball theorem. Yes, it’s called that and it’s a bona fide mathematical theorem with a real but difficult proof that requires you to get a fancy-schmancy degree in math to really understand it.

cowlick
Double cowlick, what does it mean

But if we just want to feel like we understand it, we can certainly do that. It’s the Internet, after all.

Let’s comb through some informal ways of describing this theorem. One is

  • You can’t comb a hairy ball flat without creating a cowlick.

or closely related

  • You can’t comb the hair on a coconut.

A perhaps more useful, less frivolous description of the theorem is:

  • A cyclonic system must always exist on a planet with an atmosphere.

In other words, somewhere on Earth, at any given moment, there will be a cyclone (in the most general sense).*** I should note that, in certain ways, this is a supremely useless theorem because it doesn’t tell you where the hell the cyclone is. But it is 100% absolutely sure that there is one.

The reason that people built analogies with hair and wind is that the “hairs” on the ball correspond to what are called vector fields for systems that have stuff that moves like a fluid, like wind or piss streaming over someone’s hairy ball. The hair is mostly a visualization tool for particles that move continuously in a closed environment, like the surface of a sphere.

Imagine you could track some representative particles in a fluid. Say, particularly big balls of dust are floating around. Or fireflies are caught in a dust devil at night. And you snap a picture of this with not too short exposure. The balls of dust or the fireflies would come out as blurry streaks that move in thrall to the air. The blurry streaks would correspond approximately to vector fields. So a fairly accurate way of looking at vector fields is to understand it as a concise description of the motion of particles at every single point at a given moment in whatever system you are looking at.

And what do cowlicks and cyclones have to do with this? Basically, the CENTER of the cowlicks/cyclones are points where there is no motion. It’s the eye of the storm you always hear about where everything is calm. These are called the zeros of the vector fields. So if you were to drop something lightweight at the exact center of where the cyclone occurs, that thing you dropped wouldn’t move because there’s nothing moving around it.****

If you’re looking at a stream or a river, you see eddies, the watery analog of cyclones, all the time. But would you still see these if the water were flowing in a completely smooth, straight, artificial indoor stream? Probably not. But now let’s say there’s a sphere and there’s water coursing over the surface. And imagine that it’s completely self-contained. No water drips from it and no water drops on to it. The kicker in this hypothetical situation is this: there will be at least one eddy (i.e. a “cyclone” in our previous parlance or a “zero” in our more technical one) no matter how smooth we make the surface of the sphere. The mathematics of the hairy ball theorem guarantees this.

If you’re curious how the hairy ball theorem is stated in technical terms, it goes like this:

  • There does not exist an everywhere nonzero tangent vector field on the 2-sphere.

**A technical caveat. This doesn’t apply if you’re wearing your hair slicked back or in a ponytail or in some way that makes it defy gravity. It’s mostly applicable if you’ve let your hair loose so that it looks like it’s cascading down your head.

***This ties in with something called the Poincare-Hopf theorem which is even more general than the hairy ball theorem. Because a cyclone is a “cowlick” (i.e. not just any zero, but a special type of zero called a sink of a vector field) with index one, there must be a second cyclone. This more general theorem predicts not one but two cyclones.

****Not in reality, of course. It’s a thought experiment, so bear with me.

#Crasstalk COW: That’s No Fire Hose, Honey…

Greetings, Crasstalkers!  (Yes, that’s a thing now).

It’s been a crazy week, hasn’t it?  The US government is shutting down (probably), Glenn Beck is leaving/being removed from a daily TV programming role, and this happened:

If anything, I think that proves that #Crasstalk is slowly winning the internet.

But, for as wonderful an occurrence as a Twitteraction with a Real Housefrau is, that alone isn’t enough to get you Comment Of the Week.

No.  the Comment of the Week needs more class, more, I don’t know, oomph than that.  More pop culture goodness, like this:

But, if you really want to take home the title, and all the adulation that goes with it, borrowing words from Tyra Banks and vaginal word play aren’t enough either.

To earn the mantle of Comment of the Week, you need depth, artistic influence, and maybe a little bit of sage advice:

I was always more of a Warhol fan myself, but that requires more self control, one supposes.

As always, thank you to everyone who sent in nominations.  Please, please, keep them coming if you want to see brilliance highlighted.  The address, as always:  [email protected].

Also, under the announcements heading:  Please sign up for the LivingSocial thing on the sidebar, as you can get some really great deals, and they are less creepily written than Groupon (I think).  Also, keep the servers flowing by making your Amazon purchases through the link in the same side bar.  Between the book sluts and the music whores around here, there should be a Crasstalk van by the end of the year.

Six Apps This Droid Newbie Loves

While I’m pretty savvy when it comes to the Internet and computing, I was a late-comer to the smartphone market. In fact, my first smartphone, the DROID 2 Global, arrived last week. In just a short amount of time, I’ve fallen in love with this damn gadget. I fear I’m quickly going to become one of the people I loathe — the type who walks down the street unaware of their surroundings because there’s a gadget glued to their hands.

Before I begin the descent, here are a few Android apps I’ve downloaded in the first week of owning the Droid 2 Global. Of course, beyond the apps pre-installed on the phone, there are seemingly millions of apps available for the Android platform, so please include your favorites in the comments.

In addition to the Android Market already installed on the phone, you can purchase apps via Amazon’s Android App Store.

***

Portland Transit: Okay, unless you live in the Portland Metro area, this app may not be of interest to you, but it is easily one of my favorites and one I use on a daily basis as a rider of public transit. The app pulls in the arrival data from TriMet’s site to show upcoming times, shows transit maps as well as allowing you to plan a trip and get the best route. You can save your favorite routes as well as favorite/most-used stop IDs for quick reference. Another great feature built into the app is the strobe function. Simply hit the “strobe” button and your phone flashes various colors, making it perfect for getting the bus driver’s attention at night or during foggy weather. Just don’t stare at it for too long.
Cost: $2.34

Fandango Movies: You’re out with friends having drinks. “Hey, let’s go see a movie!” This free app allows you to enter the zip code of where you are and find out which films are playing nearby, watch trailers, read reviews, and buy tickets. So, while you’re finishing up that last cocktail, the tickets are already purchased and now you just have to figure out if you want Gummi Bears or popcorn.
Cost: Free

Pandora Radio: I love this Internet radio station’s ability to take one of my favorite bands and match it to similar groups. For instance, typing in “The Afghan Whigs” lead to hearing “66,” followed by “Dig for Fire” by The Pixies, followed by “Goin Home” by Dinosaur Jr. Fuck yes! Having this app is a great alternative carrying around your iPod. Plus, you’re providing real-time feedback on which songs fit your station better than others.
Cost: Free (with ads)

Retro Camera: Oh yes, I had to download a “cool” photo app. I opted for Retro Camera since it comes with five vintage camera styles modeled after Polaroid, Lomo, and Holga techniques. Yes, the effects can be overdone if each and every photo taken and e-mailed/shared to a social network uses a vintage style, but it can be fun, if used sparingly, for capturing a moment or place in a different way. The app also allows you to designate another button to take a photo. For instance, the volume button is a good alternative to the in-app shutter. This is great for when you’re attempting to do a self-portrait.
Cost: Free (with ads) or $2.99 (ad-free version)

Wordsmith: I will kick your ass at Scrabble™. I’m the girl who, while on a first date, laid down a seven-letter word while playing my date on my first turn of the game. Needless to say, there wasn’t a second date. But I digress. Wordsmith isn’t Scrabble™, but it’s definitely in the same family. The game allows you to play against your friends who also have the app installed or against random people. Either way, it’s fun and will keep your brain thinking of different word options based on the letters available.
Cost: Free (with ads) or $2.49 (ad-free version)

Tip & Split Calculator: Recently, while out with a group of girlfriends for our bi-monthly dinner meet-up, we spent several minutes using the back of the bill to divvy up who owed what. It’s a headache and doing math after a couple of margaritas isn’t fun. This app allows you to enter the bill information, the tip percentage and how much each person owes. If you’re doing an even split with the bill, you can even change the number of diners to determine that amount. Any app that helps you do math while drunk is a good thing.
Cost: Free or $.99 for the Pro version

Let eHow.com Diagnose Your Skin Rash

Like everyone, when things go wrong in your life, my first thought is to turn to eHow.com to offer clarity in this mixed up world. Today, let’s learn what eHow suggests when you have discovered a skin thingy and need medical attention.

First off, you should know that eHow gives you the option of Tweeting this knowledge so you can keep your friends in the loop on your skin dramaz. Or you can send it via a Facebook message, as the most public and passive-aggressive method of letting Christy we can all see her funky forehead bumps.

The highlights: eHow teaches us what a dermatologist is, just in case you’ve always had a hankering to see one without being quite clear on what it is. For the purposes of this example, the doctor will be a man, because female doctors are called nurses. (Zing.)

EHow rates this as Difficulty: Moderate. But with a little forethought and elbow grease we can dial that difficulty level to simple and make you the pimp of pimples.

Instructions

1. Ask the doctor’s office staff about his credentials before making an appointment. Schedule an exam only if the doctor is certified by the American Board of Dermatology.

This is a great first step! Much like you’d never go to a restaurant without demanding to hear about the chef/Sandwich Artist’s childhood, don’t let that smug Dr. Zizmor uses his Rainbow of Skittle Vomit™ to his dig around your inflamed pores before first berating Tammi the receptionist for not being able to send a picture of the good doctor posing with his transcript and a newspaper with the date. If she can’t fax over the doctor’s med school transcripts, you have no choice but to drive over there yourself until she’s located his yearbooks and you’ve independently verified he was German Club president and heard a few heart-warming anecdotes about him calling spaghetti “pasketti”.

Remember: Certificates of live birth and diplomas from Arizona State don’t count.

2. Learn about your condition before meeting the doctor so you can ask informed questions and thoroughly discuss treatment options. If you have been treating your condition at home, write down the names of products used in the past along with their effect on your health.

I’m not going to lie, this is going to require you to Google Image some nasty things. You’re probably avoiding your own reflection by the time your condition has gotten doctor-worthy (thanks a lot, Obamacare!), so you may want to enlist the help of the next person who blanches at the sight of you.

This can be accomplished in several simple sub-steps. You’re minding your own pimple/rash/cyst business when an unsuspecting stranger’s monocle drops. Just remember the acronym ARG!

2a. Ask: “Would you say my face looks offensive in a small red bump way or more or a puss-filled mass way?”
2b. Refuse: to stop using the salad bar tongs to scratch.
2c. Google: Once you’ve been kicked out of the Ponderosa (fascists!) rush home and fire up the Googles.

Gather up all the infomercial skin products you’ve purchased, along with the skimask you generally wear in public these days.

3. Inquire about the doctor’s level of experience with your condition. If he lacks specialized knowledge in the necessary area, ask him to make a referral. If your dermatologist biopsies a mole and diagnosis you with skin cancer, he may refer you to an oncologist for further treatment.

We’re back with Tammi. March in that office like a boss, slam your fists down and demand answers. There’s no time for niceties! You have a skin thing, dammit! Tammi will be flattered about your attention to detail. (Note: See if Tammi is single.) Once Dr. NotGoodEnough moseys in, he’ll likewise be excited to hear you’ve made an appointment to determine if he’s worthy to look at your infection.

4. Talk to your dermatologist about prescription medication. If he prescribes a prescription cream to treat acne, for example, ask about side effects. Some oral medications for severe acne can cause dizziness or sensitivity to the sun, so it’s important to discuss your lifestyle with your doctor to determine what type of treatment is best for you.

Once the doctor has answered your riddles three and been allowed to gaze upon your blemishes, you’re going to want to get naked. Shit’s about to get real, people. Tell him all about your love of “Estty Lauder” cold cream you get in Chinatown and your penchant for scratching with salad buffet tongs. Brag about your year-round base tan and investment in the Sun Suite Tanning franchise in the strip mall. Try to get him to invest, painting it as the potential for more business.

Once it’s been determined what the hell your problem is (skin version) and the doctor has given you a prescription, you’re going to want to second-guess everything he says. Practice a disappointed, “Hmmmm, I don’t know about that. Will it make me faint if I’m exposed to sunlight?” When he – arrogantly! – dismisses your concern and makes a suspicious note on your chart, look out the window, shout out “HEAVEN FORFADE!” and swoon to the floor.

5. Ask about preparation, recovery and success rate if your condition requires surgical intervention. The doctor should inform you of all possible complications and risks involved. Dermatologists often perform small procedures in the office using local anesthetic.

Once you’ve come to, ask the doctor to give it to you straight. You know your odds: You have a skin thingy, for God’s sake. You’re wasting precious time! You’re probably not getting out without amputation. Demand surgery. Preemptively contact your parish priest, rabbi, imam (hedge your bets), next of kin and attorney. Yell, “Tell the world my story!” and change your will to note you’d like Dana Delaney to play you in the Lifetime movie. Grab the mask and knock yourself out.

6. Watch closely if your dermatologist performs a skin exam. If you have moles that have changed size or shape, the doctor may remove them in her office. She may ask you to watch particular areas of skin, so discuss with her how to spot suspicious moles.

Get the dried ice and carrot peeler and go to town. Learn too late what a freckle is. Congratulations, you don’t have any left.

7. Look at before and after pictures for your procedure. Keep in mind that everybody reacts differently to treatment and that your outcome may not resemble those in the doctor’s portfolio. Speak with the doctor about how he thinks your results will compare to those in the photos.

Get vain! It’s now safe to look in the mirror again! Force strangers to admire your variety of exciting new scars and compare them to your baby photos, which you’ll take to carrying around. Update your Facebook status with pictures. Hold your head up high and go win your job back at Ponderosa. Then file a motion to sue the doctor.

Facebook Pet Peeves

All right, crabby-pantses, it’s time for another vent session. After the wild success of our first pet peeves post, authored by the excellently-named Baconcat, who has successfully combined two of my very favorite things into one username, and bbqcornnuts’ post on parenting pet peeves I didn’t even know I had, I got to thinkin’. We covered the obvious sources of irritation: driving, social courtesies, roommates and spouses, grammar, and a curious number of annoyances related to the mouth.

What did we leave out? There was only one original comment that mentioned Facebook. I’m disappointed in you all. Surely we can do better than that.

Bypassing the easy targets, like Farmville invitations and TMI statuses (though please, don’t hold back if that is indeed what peeves you), I’d like to share a few of my pet peeves.

1. Overuse of ellipses. Punctuation an ellipses is not a substitute for:

  • Periods
  • Question marks
  • Commas
  • Semicolons
  • Spaces

Learn it. Live it.

2. Cryptic, attention-whoring statuses. The only things worse than these are the people who respond to them.

Image: Natalie Dee

 

3. Facebook status arguments. We’ve all gotten into at least one of these (let me pretend I’m not the only one, okay?). Now you’re arguing with someone you most likely barely know, but god damn it, someone is wrong on The Internet and you’re not going to bed until they see how right you are. Not only are you now wasting your time and blowing up your Friends’ newsfeeds, you’re embarrassing yourself and the person whose status you’ve hijacked.

4. Status updates from people I despise, but am socially obligated to stay Friends with. This may also apply to those I am Friends with to preserve my own sanity and avoid more DRAMA. I’ve amassed quite a collection of these since graduation, and oh, what a wealth of irritation I can mine from their status updates alone.

Seriously, what is this?

We’ve got our fashion design major, with regular uploads of “high-fashion” photos of her and her design major friends sporting ill-fitting clothes and awkward facial expressions. I was recently treated to a couple of her rather obnoxious updates. Yesterday morning, she posted this: “Tried on swim suits today…it is time to work out. Now.” Then, not more than 24 hours later, this: “No incorrectly scaled patterns, my waist is not 33 inches wide…try 9 inches less…” According to my calculations, that’s a 24-inch waist. Gooch says I’m allowed to sock her one if I ever see her again. You’re all witnesses.

This last one’s personal beef for me, but I have to get it out there. I have a Friend (formerly best) who unFriended me last summer, for reasons we don’t need to get into. She recently reFriended me with a long apology I accepted. I do not like her, nor do I like her ex-fiancé. When they weren’t fighting, they were sickeningly affectionate with seemingly no regard for who was in the room. I’m talking baby talk, PDA, the whole nine yards. That’s why her status today was particularly vexing: “IF THESE PEOPLE DON’T STOP BEING SO AFFECTIONATE RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME I’M GOING TO VOMIT INTO MY COFFEE.” She’s taken to typing in all caps recently. I suppose she’s forgotten about the hours of vomit-inducing PDA my boyfriend and I were subjected to. I now have to refrain from replying sarcastically, unless I want to get into a Facebook status argument, and we all know how I feel about those. The irony is quite delicious, though.

5. Anyone who says, “And that’s why I don’t have Facebook.”

Image of attention whore via Natalie Dee.