Gossip

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Crass Gossip: Thursday Edition

The world is a little less glam today, but time and snark stop for no one.
  • He’s really milking the attention thing. (Dlisted)
  • Tears of a Spice Girl. (Lainey)
  • Aren’t we done with these people yet? No? Well then, Snooki found my bathing suit from 1993 and it fits her only slightly worse than it did me. (The Superficial)
  • I really want #17 to read, “…because learnin’ English has been so much fun. Y’all.” (Us)
  • I love that Ellen and Chord are each modeling different eras of Bieber hair.

Not Exactly in Defense of Chris Brown

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Full Disclosure: I have experience with domestic abuse. I personally hate the terms “victim” and “survivor” so, let’s just say I know how it feels to be on the receiving end of habitual beatings. I’m not defending the actions of Chris Brown. I am saying, in comparison with other convicted famous domestic abusers, he has been grossly mistreated by American media.

I’m calling bullshit on the media’s continued social lynching of Chris Brown as The Worst Man Alive (Yeah, I used the “L” word).

Chris Brown is not a good guy. But by my standards he’s a pretty average variety of bad guy with worse judgment. A variety of bad guy so average that if he were white, his new album might be in the iTunes top ten by now and yesterday’s GMA performance might have been outside and accompanied by a throng of screaming fans and no questions about his battery of his ex-girlfriend.

There is something rotten in media land (what’s new?).

The inequity in media coverage of Chris Brown versus oh, say that colossal grade A asshole Charlie Sheen, (who has shot one woman, allegedly beat a UCLA student for refusing to have sex with him, beat and threatened to kill a porn actress he was dating, threw furniture at and threatened to kill ex-wife Denise Richards, threatened to kill ex-wife Brooke Mueller twice and terrorized another porn actress in the famous Plaza Hotel incident) is stark and startling and it has dramatically colored the public’s opinion of the two characters.

A number of great blogs have covered the contrast in coverage between these two total bastards, calling out TMZ in particular for their imbalanced coverage, but recent events demand a revisit.

Chris Brown went on GMA to shill his latest album. He performed and then sat down for what any other artist, not matter the level of scandal they were currently embroiled in, should have been a perfunctory and largely b.s. interview. GMA claims that they cleared all the Rihanna-centered questioning was approved by Brown and his people. Honestly? That seems like a pretty tall glass of bullshit. “Bad Boy” hasn’t been profitable for Brown and any PR flack worth his cell phone minutes would never have ok’d that line of questioning.

Was his temper tantrum and window breaking unacceptable? Absolutely, but part of me wonders how patient and mature I would be if I was still being publicly flogged for some of my more considerable fuck-ups?

ESPECIALLY when a dude, who has by all accounts done a lot worse was about to embark on a sold out one-man show.

Which brings us to that sad piece of shit a lot of people apparently are willing to pay a minimum of $79 to see (some reports have tickets in the sold out Chicago shows going for as much as $514) to see spew insanity, Charlie Sheen.

Coverage of Charlie Sheen has focused on his substance abuse (Oh poor him! Won’t somebody SAVE him!) and his nonsensical verbal diarrhea (That lovable scamp!).  He has never had his feet held to the fire of a public flogging, largely because he’s been so successful at painting all the women who accuse him of misdeeds as gold diggers. Either despite the statistics that state one in four women have been a victim of domestic abuse the American public is more willing to believe that six women in a row are all gold diggers, rather than victims of a habitual abuser OR the media has done a good job of helping Sheen sweep his litany of misdeeds under the rug by focusing on his ” male need to kill and to win.”

Every interview Sheen does is a softball. Can you imagine if Brown had shot a woman? He’d be living under an overpass. Yet Sheen has shot a woman, beat up others and threatened to kill a few and has a million Twitter followers and tens of millions in the bank.

Anybody have any theories about the disproportionate and unequal media response that don’t begin and end with “because Chris Brown is a black man?” Honestly, if you do I am dying to hear them.

Racialicious

Bitch Magazine

Crass Gossip: Monday

Your Crass gossip roundup for Monday includes a few stories that broke over the weekend.

  • Looks like Bradley Cooper and Sour Puss are no longer an item. [People]
  • Scary Spice’s tummy is about to get a little scarier now that she has a wee alien growing inside it. [E]
  • Who wouldn’t want to shoot Wyclef Jean in the hand? Or maybe he just cut himself. [Dlisted] [NYDN]
  • I guess Scarlett Johansson and Sean Penn are, in fact, moving forward with this ill-advised coupling. [People]
  • La Lohan and her siblings took in a Knicks game. Why does she insist on the blond hair? [OMG!]
  • The Jolie-Pitt kids are growing up fast. [PopEater]
  • Paris Hilton’s drug prosecutor got busted for cocaine possession. Is this the first gossip link to NPR? [NPR]

Photos courtesy of digitalART2, and David Shankbone [1] [2].

Crass Gossip: Cheeky Wednesday

A wedding, a peen, potential rehab, crying over boobs, spurs, and daddy’s media meltdown! Well, it must be Wednesday’s gossip, chock full of despair and body parts. Cover yourselves up, for goodness sakes.

1) So instead of Stifler’s mom, maybe it was Stifler’s bong? American Pie star Seann William Scott entered a treatment center on Tuesday for “health and personal reasons,” which sounds a lot like “exhaustion,” or “undisclosed illness” or whatever people do right before “living in the celebrity rehab house” is listed next to their name. [People ]

2) Ryan Phillippe’s ex-wife will maybe, probably get married next weekend. The mother of Ryan Phillippe’s children will wed Hollywood agent Jim Toth at her Ojai Valley home. 100 guests are expected to attend, but it’s unconfirmed if Ryan Phillippe, who was once married to his Cruel Intentions co-star, will be in attendance. I imagine this is all Ryan Phillippe ever wanted throughout the duration of his marriage — acknowledgment for his copious achievements. (This is all snark. There is no love for n’er-do-actor, Ryan PeePee, as you guys call him.) [Radar]

3) If I were Anderson Cooper‘s peen, I’d be insulted that Playgirl is only offering $10,000 for pictures of me. You would think that the most highly coveted, closeted, collectible shot of a silver fox peni would at least get a cool $100,000. Right? Instead they’re offering ten grand to anyone who can get a naked shot of the Coop’s little coop. So Anderson, I’d maybe get a bouncer and a velvet rope for those intimate moments in the john. VIP takes on a whole new meaning. [Popeater]

4) As long as we’re talking about nakedness we should talk about Vanessa Hudgens‘ nakedness, or no, not ever at all. What goes on with these young people and all the random frequent nakedness? Is there an age that just says, “Now the entire world must see my boobs. It’s World Boobs day!” Does this happen? I think it does. So, stop it, young boob flashers. Joe Francis doesn’t need the validation. Thanks. [Popeater]

5) Eva Longoria is still crying over that spur in her hide. She says the break-up has been “hard,” “very hard.” I say buck up Eva, you’re amazingly hot and while I can’t encourage another season of Desperate Housewives, you can do better than a cheating ball player. Just ask all those other Basketball Wives on the VH1 Reality Cheetos channel. It’s like the graveyard of infidelity over on that show, but at least on yours, Teri Hatcher just falls down a lot. She does, right? Isn’t that show full of pratfalls and gardeners? [Allure]

6) Flipped their wigs. So the husband of Teresa Giudice of Real Housewives of New Jersey fame, Joe Giudice, got into some sort of brawl in the Dominican Republic along with the two sons of fellow cast member Caroline Manzo. The beat-down resulted in fractured limbs and lacerations of two patrons not connected to the show or the “Prostitution Whore” cast-mates. Hmm, Dominican Republic, Real Housewives of NJ, and a beat-down…is everyday an Al Pacino movie for this group?! Well, yes. [Radar]

7) This is just a weird one. What do you do when your baby mama, who’s also your brother’s baby mama, has been living in your mother’s house for nearly twenty years and it’s just dawned on everyone that this situation is a bit awwwwkward? Well, you try and get her evicted, naturally, because what you really needed is a little separation (years ago), and maybe not to have your kids be siblings and cousins all at once. Confusing. Well, this is what’s happening with Jermaine and Randy Jackson whose baby’s mama (plural) has been living in Katherine Jackson’s LA compound. [TMZ]

8 ) Rihanna is hashing out her daddy issues in the new issue of Vogue. She’s upset her father gave up details about her to the media. And to that I introduce you to Michael Lohan. It could always be worse. As an aside, girl has an awesome body, and the dress is to die…but not digging the Crazy Couture-a-Circus Ronald McDonald ‘do. Enough.[Vogue]

9) Soulmate of the Biebs, Selena Gomez, giggled her way through a Z100 interview where she discussed the hordes of haters who’ve cropped up due to their gummi-bear inspired coupling. She says, “It hurts, it really does. I don’t feel like I’m doing anything wrong.” Aww, Selena. Pout-face. Sniffle-giggles. It gets better. Wait until you break up and he starts dating Sean Penn’s current girlfriend, Scarlett Johansson! Yes, this is really happening. Ew. [Z100 New York ]

10) I can blame Ke$ha Zingbats for not having any talent, for having one of the most annoying songs ever recorded and played ad nauseum for an entire year, and for basically appearing out of nowhere and doing virtually nothing yet becoming inexplicably popular, but I can’t blame her for possibly making a poor bikini choice. After all, you get in that room with the florescent lighting with a few of your girlfriends and perhaps a little tequila to steel your nerves and you emerge with something people are too polite to say is horribly, terribly wrong for your body shape. It happens to the best of us. This is why Ms. Fingies takes her mother with her during the bathing suit trials. Moms always gives the truth…brutally. [Popeater]

[Top image via Entertainment Tonight]

Crass Gossip: Monday Edition

Irony: Not drinking during the St. Patrick’s Day parade the day before to avoid a hangover, and your allergies wind up kicking your ass all day. I hope everyone in the library is enjoying me blowing my nose and/or sneezing every two seconds.

  • More Duggars! This time it’s not Michelle (woman has got to give her uterus a rest), but the oldest Duggar’s wifey is popping out her second. They also announced they’re planning a home birth. Hot. [Link via People]
  • Usher has a SEX TAPE!! I love celebrity sex tapes. I made friends freshman year in college by announcing I had Paris’s sex tape. Everyone was always like “This sucks” after watching though. That was such a bad sex tape. Actually, Kim’s sex tape sucked too. Tila’s sucks too. Kendra’s was kind of sad. (All links are NSFW/NSF-LIFE!!, obviously. Enjoy, pervs). Maybe I don’t love sex tapes anymore. Usher and his wifey are reportedly both “givers.” Based on the way he mooooves, the sex has to be good. Right? Right?? [Link via TMZ]
  • Kimora Lee Simmons’ eggo might be preggo again! The detective work in this article revolves around whether she’s really just post-baby bumpin, or new-baby bumpin. I like babies, so I’m hoping for the latter. [Via Bossip]
  • Paps “sneakily” got pictures of Coco topless in her backyard. As the article says, if you believe this, I got a bridge to sell you. Coco’s chichis make my eyeballs burst. Slightly NSFW (or for a library for that matter..awwwkward!) [Link via MTO]
  • Richard Hatch, the dude from Survivor and current Celebrity Apprentice contestant, is back to prison for not paying his taxes. He’s already spent 3 years (!) in prison for not paying taxes on his original $1 million prize. Wtf, people – just pay your damn taxes. [Link via TMZ]
  • Lindsay: Quit smoking! Back to New York. Soooo stressed by the paparazzi. Pulled over for blowing a stop sign. Fires her management. Is it just me, or are gossip sites reaching for straws with this chick?
  • I saw a lot of you watched the Rebecca Black video. Not sure if this has been posted already, but she’s apparently part of some agency that will basically make a music video for your fame-ball wanna-be-starlet kids. Um, sex tapes are free, dude. [Link via Blackbook]
  • Is it just me or does Miley look a little wastey-face here? Oh she’s just being Miley! (ba-dum-dum) [Link via Perez]
  • Gross? Someone tried to snap a picture of Jakey Gylenhaal taking a leak at SXSW. Jakey apparently got all mad and bad. That’s hot. Also, who wants a picture of peeing peen? Don’t answer that. [Via Socialite Life]
  • Ryan Philippe might be a daddy again, according to model/actress Alexi Knapp (Alexis, darling, your 15 minutes starts now). They dated (pre Amanda Seyfried), she’s pregnant, blah blah blah. Shit, I’d want Ryan to be my baby daddy too. [Link via ONTD]
  • K-Fed and Britney: co-parenting! Here’s pics of K-Fed, Brit-Brit and her boyfriend Jason Trawick attending Sean Preston’s pee-wee baseball game. This is pretty cute, but should I not comment on the elephant in the room that is Kevin Federline? Damn, homie. [Link via DListed]

Okay, I’m dead. Volunteers for the rest of the week?

Crass Gossip: Wednesday

Hey, everybody, here’s your Crass Gossip for Wednesday. Enjoy.

  • Charlie Sheen. That is all. Google his name if you really want Charlie Sheen news. You get a picture and that’s it.
  • But, because I’m a hypocrite, Tila Tequila would like to be Charlie’s only “goddess.” Because she was so good for Casey Johnson, right? Anyway, she says she can “show Chucky a good time- but also help him out.” Vomit, vomit, vomit. (The Superficial)
  • Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz are fighting viciously over custody of a NYC borough! Wait. They’re neither fighting viciously nor fighting over a borough. “The Bronx” is their son, and Fall Out Boy’s Wentz wants joint legal/physical custody. Simpson, who had a bit part in “The Hot Chick,” wanted primary custody. Sounds riveting. (US)
  • Miley Cyrus is texting some guy from Kings of Leon. I guess she could…wait for it…”Use Somebody”? (Sorry.) (Dlisted)
  • This is the headline of an actual article: “Kim Kardashian Is ‘Princess Jasmine’ At Hotels, Wears Tight Leather Pants.” In other “news”, I check into hotels as Ursula, the villain from “The Little Mermaid” (yes, I demand to be called by that full description) and wear striped pajama pants. Flannel if I’m feeling frisky. (The Huffington Post)
  • Lindsay goes to court tomorrow. She could do jail time! She may not do jail time! She’ll plead guilty! She refuses a plea bargain! She’ll certainly be wearing clothing (Jesus, I hope)! We’ll talk about that more, you know, tomorrow. But if you can’t get enough, knock yourself out: (TMZ)
  • You know who’s not doing jail time because he DID plea bargain? Mel Gibson. (Popeater)
  • Lady Gaga’s apartment used to be filled with “bed bugs and roaches on the floor and mirrors with cocaine everywhere.” Stars: They’re just like us! (The Hollywood Gossip)
  • Michele Salahi, apparently of “The Real Houswives of D.C.,” the one neither you or I watched, got kicked off of “Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew.” Fame addiction (her alleged affliction) is kind of like my “addiction” to hot bubble baths, I guess. You’ll never guess the answer to this, but is she pissed? SPOILER ALERT: Yes. Her dubious argument is that she has multiple sclerosis. I’m not a medical doctor, but while MS is a disease, it is not actually an addiction. (Dlisted)
  • Maybe it’s a good thing Michele’s dangerous habit of speedballing fame isn’t being treated at Pasadena with Drew. (Joke, joke.) Mike Starr, former Alice in Chains bassist and part of Season Three of “Celebrity Rehab”, passed away yesterday at age 44. Cause of death is unknown, but Starr struggled for the better part of two decades with an opiate addiction. RIP Mike, and please think for a moment today of all those that have struggled with, succumbed to, or beat their addictions. (Radar)

 

So that’s our Hump Day. Very little sex involved. If you’re interested in collaborating with myself or Alluson, let us know in the comments if there’s a day you’d like to take or if you’d just like to throw some tidbits our way when you have them.

Edit by Alluson: Ms.Antropy has volunteered to do Thursday’s gossip, and the lovely ihatediamonds is covering Friday’s. Weekend duty is open!

Crass Gossip: Tuesday’s Titillating Tidbits

A-do a-yuh appreciate alluson’s alliteration?

  • Brooklyn’s Mitch Davie, while at a Braves-Blue Jay spring training game, caught a flying bat one handed while in the stands. More importantly, Mitch appears not to have spilt his Red Stripe beer while doing so. Follow the link for epic crowd flinch face.
  • Charlie Sheen continues to be bat shit crazy (warning: Perez link). No more Charlie Sheen updates. I feel scummy.
  • I disagree!: Sean Parker, founder of Napster and former president of Facebook, portrayed by Justin Timberlake in The Social Network, says “a billion dollars isn’t cool.” Please allow me to be the first to volunteer for being uncool. Via Huff Po and full interview with Financial Times available here.
  • Teen Mom’s Leah Messer seems to be adjusted well being a mom, being on Teen Mom, having twins, having a child with disabilities, and y’know, being a teen. Although her non-stop weeping over her daughter on the show irks me, I give this young mother a lot of credit. Interview available at Radar.
  • Sharon Osbourne and the ladies of The Talk were on Piers Morgan Tonight and Piers kept trying to get them to talk about Charlie Sheen. The ladies refused, but since Piers Morgan is a jackass, he kept pushing the issue until Sharon commented “”I know how it feels to love someone like that, and the sadness, and the damage it does within a family.” That’s no exaggeration, and we know Sharon speaks from firsthand experience. Video available at Popeater
  • David Arquette, despite his car crash the other day, seems to be OK. If you’re a sadist, you can see pictures of David immediately after the crash, laying on the ground. There’s something about this I dislike immensely, but I’m struggling to articulate.  At his AA meeting, David reported received his 60 day sober-chip. Good for him. [Via Page Six]
  • Click here to see Gary Busey’s butt crack. You’re welcome!
    • This is the tame version. Click through link to see some nekkid.
  • Wocka Flocka Flame gets nekkid, with his gold chains covering his manly bits, for PETA’s “Ink, Not Mink” campaign (cause he’s covered in tats, get it?!). Waka says ““Understand where that fox fur came from before you spend $1,000…someone got their head beat in and electrocuted.” When is Lil Wayne posing? I wanna see Lil Wayne booty! I bet he’s got a great tattoo right on his..never mind. [Via Just Jared]
  • At left is Wocka’s (is that how we say it?) tame version. Click here to see him in all his gold chain dangly goodness.

 

 

 

 

 

  • Matt Bomer is so, so, so sexy. Neil Cafferty makes my heart go pitter patter. What does a girl have to do to get a celebrity lover around here? (Also, yes I’m aware he may be gay. Don’t ruin my fantasy.)
  • From across the pond, Prince William and Kate Middleton made a visit to Belfast in Northern Ireland, where Kate tossed a pancake. Seriously. [Via People]
  • Real Housewives of Orange County is back! I don’t watch this regularly, but I do appreciate the original brand of crazy, and will always catch a rerun here and there. The ladies did not disappoint last night, with Gretchen/Tamra awkwardness at some setup party and Gretchen/Alexis spatting in the limo. [Via Blogitinity]
  • Chuck Norris thinks we are geighing the children up too much and teaching them to be sluts-in-training. [via DListed]
  • Alan Simpson, former WI senator and co-hair of the Deficit Reduction Committee (seriously? there’s a committee?), renames Eminem and Snoop to Enema Man and Snoopy Snoopy Poop Dog, respectively. Old people are so silly! Video here for a chuckle.
  • Today’s is International Women’s Day! Who is your female hero? Mine is my mom. Seriously. Other than her, probably FLOTUS. If she ever lowered herself to their level and engaged in an actual debate with Palin and Bachmann, I have a feeling she’d wipe the floor with both of them. Share your female heroes in the comments.

Programming Notes:

Are we okay with Perez links? I know generally people think of him as pretty scummy and I actually stopped visiting after the will.i.am situation, but he’s all about the love and light these days and his posts are noticeably less caustic.

Also: Thank you ALL for the encouraging and kind comments on my first gossip post. Seriously, you really made my day. I was very nervous about how it would be perceived and you guys were sweeter than pie. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

For my fellow gossip-lovers: Right now, the following people have expressed interest in gossip roundups: EthologyNerd, GtCosita, bboston88, and ihatediamonds. If I forgot you, let me know in the comments. If anyone else wants be a gossip-whore too, chime in the comments. Originally, EthologyNerd and I were going to try some sort of collaborative effort, but if we have enough people, then perhaps we can each take a day. Here is my suggestion (pending editors okaying), and you guys let me know: Everyone picks day that works, that person starts the post by 12pm.  If I don’t see something started by then, I’ll start one. If I don’t start one within that time, someone else can pick it up. Submit to pending by 5:30-6pm at the latest. If someone can’t do their day, they say something in the Open Threads and someone else can pick it up. Thoughts? Editors, do we like this?

How Charlie Sheen Saved Playboy (Sort Of)

Inside the walls of the Playboy mansion property, preparations are in full swing for a St Patrick’s Day celebration under the twitchy eye of the property’s new owner, Charlie Sheen.   Of course, on the property, the party is referred to as the ‘St. Charlie’s Day 2016’ celebration, as it combines America’s favorite drunken holiday with the second anniversary of Sheen taking possession of the property and the magazine in 2014, shortly after Hugh Hefner’s death.

In the two years hence, the former actor has elevated the nudie-rag’s profile by moving high-demand content to ‘print-issue only’ status, increasing subscriber figures by nearly 25%, and pushing newsstand sales up by nearly 30% in the same time frame.

Sheen’s involvement in empire was the Playboy patriarch’s final masterstroke.  In late 2011, with the actor’s sitcom Two and a Half Men officially terminated by CBS, Hef saw an opportunity.  Here was a man some forty years his junior, flush with cash and free time, who shared his passion for naked ladies and also possessed of the one thing Playboy desperately needed:  Buzz.

In return for a relatively modest investment (which Sheen was able to finance against his future income from the syndication of Men), Charlie helped Hef buy out the private equity firm that helped take the magazine private in 2010.   As part of the deal, Hef gave Charlie access to the mansion, with the standing agreement that he would buy out his familial heirs at the time of his death.

The Playboy franchise, long circling the drain of print media, has experienced a rebirth of sorts under his leadership, despite his utter lack of experience in publishing, editing, or even reading.  His two specialities, drawing attention to himself and finding young women who gladly take their clothes off on camera, have proven to be the only skills needed to rescue the struggling publication.

Sheen’s fingerprints are all over the magazine:  His editor’s column, the simply titled: ‘Winning with Charlie’, greets readers every month with his thoughts on topics ranging from the need for grass roots democracy in the Middle East to the need for every adult film to contain at least one girl-girl scene.

His unique editorial touch marks the photo spreads as well.  He unofficially announced his presence in the first issue under his stewardship, posing Miss April 2014 suggestively straddling a bicycle without a seat.   However, by December of the same year, he drew even more attention with the inclusion of a centerfold showing two University of Kentucky track stars at opposing ends of a pole vault pole.

He’s also been very aggressive about cutting staff and taking on more work himself, including taking ownership of all TV, movie and music reviews under his column ‘Sheen & Heard’.   Though, Sheen’s sometimes (frequently) erratic behavior has evidenced itself here as well.  For 8 consecutive months, the column maligned the Chuck Lorre created Mike & Molly (unbelievably in it’s sixth season now), saying, among other things, that lead Billy Gardell “…(is) like John Candy, minus the talent, comedic timing, and good looks”.   He’s saved his worst for Lorre, though, stating in a separate issue that “(Lorre’s) scripts aren’t fit for use as a monkey’s diaper”.   In 2015, he reviewed a reissue of Dark Side of the Moon on three separate occasions (it received 5, 2, and 3 1/2 stars, respectively).

As the keeper of the mansion, Emilio’s brother has done his best to keep up some of the long standing traditions.   He still holds movie night once a month, including a double feature of Major League and Major League 2 this past September.  The mansion’s legendary parties are still well attended by Hollywood party stars and their hangers on, and still expertly catered.    Though, there have been issues, such as last year’s St. Patrick’s Day, when porn star Riley Steele convinced Sheen to dye the pool and grotto water green, claiming it would be ‘festive’.  Needless to say, the pool stayed empty that night.

This year, Charlie assures the revelers that there will be no food coloring in the pool, though he believes his will be the best St. Partick’s Day party around.  Taking a puff from a thick cigar, he stands overlooking the party area and mutters to no one in particular, “Still winning.  Always winning.”

Weekend and Monday Gossip Catchup

Allie done got herself an author account and she is just so excited to share this week’s gossip with y’all. So excited that she immediately put down her Evidence textbook and began writing this post for you. Since this post is coming late, I’m including the weekend’s gossip, and the top stories from today.

  • Shocker!: WB fires Charlie Sheen from CBS comedy Two and a Half Men. No word on whether production on the show will continue without Mr. Sheen. One and a Half Men doesn’t quite have the same ring to it, especially since that Angus T. Jones is ginormous now and is more of a Man than a Half-Man. Two Men and a Baby? Hasn’t that been done already? Anyway…(via TMZ).
  • Charlie’s Sheen’s response to being fired:

    “This is very good news. They continue to be in breach, like so many whales. It is a big day of gladness at the Sober Valley Lodge because now I can take all of their bazillions, never have to look at whatshiscock again and I never have to put on those silly shirts for as long as this warlock exists in the terrestrial dimension.”

    I get the sense we should be ignoring this guy for his own good.(Link via TMZ).

  • Lindsay Lohan is apparently upset that Miley took a few hits at her during her opening monologue on Saturday Night Live this past weekend. Lorne Michaels is like a “father figure” to her, blah blah blah. Sounds like someone needs to learn how to take a joke. (Link via Dlisted).
  • Here’s the clip that’s got LiLo all heated:

  • In other LiLo news, the jewelry shop sold the video footage of her allegedly stealing the necklace for around $25,000 to $35,000 depending on which site you read. AP bought the footage and it was quickly licensed out to ET. You can watch Lindz’s alleged thievery by clicking here. Sites are reporting that the prosecution is pissed as hell that the jewelry store sold the footage, since it makes the jewelry store owners look like money-grubbing famewhores trying to make a quick buck off poor Lilo.
  • Picture of the mini-fashionista Suri Cruise popped up with her with a binkie in her mouth. Suri’s nearly 5 years old, so this is a little weird for some people. I say let the kid enjoy her binkie, not like Tom and Katie can’t afford the orthodontics in 5 years. *Insert obligatory barley water joke here.* Link via E!
  • No big deal: Amanda Seyfried dated Alexander Skarsgård. In other news, Brad Pitt and I just grabbed coffee last week. No big deal. Via Dlisted via Elle
  • Ke-dollar sign-sha made a deal with Lifestyles to put her glittery face on condoms. Is her face on the wrapper or on the condom itself? Can we blow her face up like a balloon? And pop it? I task you all to report back to me! Link via TMZ.
  • Comedian Mike DeStefano passed away of a heart attack. DeStefano recently was among the top five finalists in NBC’s past season of Last Comic Standing. Bummer. Link via Punchline Magazine.
  • Rachel Green starred a commercial for Smartwater that involves all types of internet memes, including my favorite lip-syncing little guy, puppies, BABIES!, double rainbow guy, Brad Wollock getting kicked in the nuts, and Rachel getting seXXXy with some water. Video here!

If anyone else wants to get in on the gossip action, holler at your gurl (that’d be me). This is harder than it looks, I give fellow Crasstalk authors props! I pulled most of gossip from TMZ and Dlisted today, so if anyone has any good sites to recommend, please let me know in the comments. I know we had some interest for rotating gossip columns during the Writer’s Workshop, so let me know about this as well!

Doing the Right Thing by Quitting Sheen Cold Turkey

1 comment

Charlie Sheen. The holy detestable scourge of humanity that is Charlie Sheen makes me want to punch him in his throat-box and then shake him until the crazy man living inside slides out onto the floor of the insane condom-wrapper filled hotel room he parties in.

Why?


Well because he’s taken all the goodwill sent his way by a gracious, but health-hobbled Michael J. Fox, and literally shot it up his nose and used it to slap the asses of various hookers just because he can, and mostly because CBS has paid him to do so. Nice. Sheen would be just another out of work, has-been actor, holed up under a bridge in Dogtown if Fox hadn’t had to leave Spin City. And now, yes now, that the network has finally realized this — what will they do about Charlie Sheen?

Don’t Pay Him Another Single Dime

Yeah, have you heard? He wants a raise. Yes, currently stuffing his pockets full of $1.8 million an episode is not sufficient. He now says that in order to return to his beloved-by-idiots show he wants $3 million an episode. $3 million?! That’s like an entire boat full of coke! A small island off the coast of the Maldives of low-class prostitutes! The entire salary brought home by his brother Emilio since The Breakfast Club!

I’d like to go on record by saying that no person, who on his television show spins a yarn of tired misogynistic tropes and sits on a couch in a bowling shirt while wearing loafers, should make anywhere near $3 million for anything. This is acting? Or is this what your loser uncle Irwin-the-Pharmacist does in his sad life living down by the docks? CBS should be laughing so hard the entire building should levitate 50 feet off the ground, spin, and then shoot into space and crash on the moon so they can attach a picture of Charlie Sheen to a flagpole as evidence of an alien life form, and then, and only then, return to ask if the coke-monster from Platoon is serious. There’s no way anyone should pay him one more dime to continue making this horrible show about a horrible person who basically holds the rest of the cast hostage every time he goes on a binge.

Don’t Feel Sorry For Him


You know how this country has a weak spot for beleaguered celebrities? How we decide that it’s not their fault that their parents/lives/celebrity/famousness made them the way they are and that they should get another chance? Yeah, this stupid thing we do. After all, look what’s happened to Robert Downey Jr. and Drew Barrymore — they’re fine now, and successful, and a testament to good old fashioned faith, talent, and an enviable stick-to-it attitude. Yes, well, that is nice. Well, no, it’s not! These people are all addicts. Yes. Okay, some have been able to overcome a large portion of their demons, mostly those who actually want to get better, and realized that they have a career to salvage. But others…well, they just don’t. (LiLo, I’m also looking at you, and Busey, well, I’m terrified of this season’s Celebrity Apprentice.) They just want to remain crazed, coke-addicted maniacs, because well, they enjoy it. They love, love, love it! It is all they have, and they don’t give a damn who knows it…because it’s really not about you.

This is what Sheen thinks about his drug use:

The Associated Press reports that during his various, “Fuck the world, I’m fabulous!” television tour this morning, he said that he “exposed people to magic” when they partied with him and that he loved doing drugs.

“What’s not to love?” he said on ABC. “Especially when you see how I party. It was epic. The run I was on made Sinatra, Flynn, Jagger, Richards just look like droopy-eyed armless children.”

Does he want to change? Nah. Will he change? Nope. Reportedly, he’s been clean for 72 hours because he finds coke boring. Yes, boring. I’m thinking if he could find a way to snort the skin-flakes of various porn stars for a high…he would do it until he finds that boring. Nonetheless, these are not the sentiments of a reformed drug abuser.

Realize That He Doesn’t Care About You Or The People Who Watch His Show

He isn’t an actor. He isn’t about the craft of acting. He doesn’t have aspirations of being the best artist or performer he can possibly be. He wants your money. And he’d rather get it with the satisfaction of having every person in authority prostrate themselves in front of him, because he’s a narcissistic drug addict. He believes that CBS owes him an apology, “publicly, while licking my feet” he says, for not recognizing his awesomeness, and because he’s “tired of pretending I’m not a total, bitchin’ rock star from Mars.” Absolutely. Yup, the more you keep sweeping his crap under the rug, and backing him and all his lunacy, is one more step you take into the darkside, CBS. The darkside that is letting the lunatics run the asylum and dictate to you how much their crazy is worth, because it’s easier to have a megalomaniac, shriveled wizard dictate how much money you will pay him to continue to keep your network afloat, instead of shipping this loon off into obscurity and replacing him with any number of talented actors.

“I am on a drug,” Sheen said. “It’s called Charlie Sheen. It’s not available because if you try it you will die. Your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body.”

Exactly. He is Charlie Sheen, and he is a drug. CBS, think you can stop chasing this dragon?

Update: Apparently someone gets it. This afternoon Sheen’s longtime publicist, Stan Rosenfield, quit after an interview with TMZ where Sheen made a remark implying that Rosenfield lied on his behalf about that Plaza Hotel incident in October.

“I have worked with Charlie Sheen for a long time and I care about him very much. However, at this time, I’m unable to work effectively as his publicist and have respectfully resigned,” states Rosenfeld.

I was kinda hoping he resigned because Sheen is a huge self-destructive prick who’s destined to take anyone down with him that attempts to latch themselves to his burning, sinking ship. But a bailout is a bailout, I suppose.