Sheen – Crasstalk

Are You Winning? Work for Charlie Sheen and Find Out

Now that CBS has taken our advice and officially fired Carlos Estevez, one may wonder what the former bowling shirt connoisseur will do now. Well, I think it’s rather obvious – become King of All Media. That’s right. The Sheen is going to conquer the world one social media empire at a time. For now though, he’s Twitter’s most famous mascot. Fantastic.

As his first act as social networking Emperor he’s placed an ad looking for an intern to help him craft all of his wonderful and now quotable Charlie Sheen Twitterisms. I imagine this job would entail serving him breakfast and then just listening to him ramble on about various large jungle cats filled with demon blood and broccoli and then, you know, typing it into Twitter.

AOL news reports, Sheen wants a “hardworking, self-motivated, creative, resourceful and social media savvy individual to work closely with him to leverage his social network.” Uh, okay. Is that kind of like a young, nubile, newly established porn star who can decipher his code of egomania and narcissistic rant-speak? Because that’s what I think this means. Maybe not. It looks like he’s serious. Well, as serious as someone who has introduced Tiger Blood into our lexicon can be.

Here’s the full ad:

Deadline: March 11th, 2011
Position: Full-Time, Paid
Timeframe: Summer 2011 (8 weeks)

Description: Do you have #TigerBlood? Are you all about #Winning? Can you #PlanBetter than anyone else? If so, we want you on #TeamSheen as our social media #TigerBloodIntern!
This unique internship opportunity will allow a hard-working, self-motivated, creative, resourceful and social media savvy individual to work closely with Charlie Sheen in leveraging his social network. The internship will focus on executing a social media strategy that will build on the success Charlie Sheen has attained in setting the Guinness World Record for the fastest time to reach one million followers on Twitter. The #TigerBloodIntern is expected to be proactive, monitor the day-to-day activities on the major social media platforms, prepare for exciting online projects and increase Charlie’s base of followers.

You will learn how to promote and develop the social media network of Hollywood’s most trending celebrity.

Judging from the application, there is absolutely no criteria for this position. None at all. You just need to be able to tell Charlie Sheen in 75 characters or less why you want to work for him. Glorious.

Okay, so here’s what I’d like to do.

Let’s all come up with something spectacular to submit! Please put your best “I Wanna Work For Charlie” application submission in the comments. The best one will get a prize. What kind of prize? Well, the kind that doesn’t cost a thing — our undying love, adoration, perhaps a few mellifluous statements about your awesomeness, and superior recognition demonstrated by my most spectacular egg sammich picture.

Also, let me know if you’d like to actually submit your application and see what happens. You could be famous! Or just marginally confused.

*I can’t guarantee the safety of anyone actually pursuing an internship with Charlie Sheen, there may be waivers involved.

How Charlie Sheen Saved Playboy (Sort Of)

Inside the walls of the Playboy mansion property, preparations are in full swing for a St Patrick’s Day celebration under the twitchy eye of the property’s new owner, Charlie Sheen. Of course, on the property, the party is referred to as the ‘St. Charlie’s Day 2016’ celebration, as it combines America’s favorite drunken holiday with the second anniversary of Sheen taking possession of the property and the magazine in 2014, shortly after Hugh Hefner’s death.

In the two years hence, the former actor has elevated the nudie-rag’s profile by moving high-demand content to ‘print-issue only’ status, increasing subscriber figures by nearly 25%, and pushing newsstand sales up by nearly 30% in the same time frame.

Sheen’s involvement in empire was the Playboy patriarch’s final masterstroke. In late 2011, with the actor’s sitcom Two and a Half Men officially terminated by CBS, Hef saw an opportunity. Here was a man some forty years his junior, flush with cash and free time, who shared his passion for naked ladies and also possessed of the one thing Playboy desperately needed: Buzz.

In return for a relatively modest investment (which Sheen was able to finance against his future income from the syndication of Men), Charlie helped Hef buy out the private equity firm that helped take the magazine private in 2010. As part of the deal, Hef gave Charlie access to the mansion, with the standing agreement that he would buy out his familial heirs at the time of his death.

The Playboy franchise, long circling the drain of print media, has experienced a rebirth of sorts under his leadership, despite his utter lack of experience in publishing, editing, or even reading. His two specialities, drawing attention to himself and finding young women who gladly take their clothes off on camera, have proven to be the only skills needed to rescue the struggling publication.

Sheen’s fingerprints are all over the magazine: His editor’s column, the simply titled: ‘Winning with Charlie’, greets readers every month with his thoughts on topics ranging from the need for grass roots democracy in the Middle East to the need for every adult film to contain at least one girl-girl scene.

His unique editorial touch marks the photo spreads as well. He unofficially announced his presence in the first issue under his stewardship, posing Miss April 2014 suggestively straddling a bicycle without a seat. However, by December of the same year, he drew even more attention with the inclusion of a centerfold showing two University of Kentucky track stars at opposing ends of a pole vault pole.

He’s also been very aggressive about cutting staff and taking on more work himself, including taking ownership of all TV, movie and music reviews under his column ‘Sheen & Heard’. Though, Sheen’s sometimes (frequently) erratic behavior has evidenced itself here as well. For 8 consecutive months, the column maligned the Chuck Lorre created Mike & Molly (unbelievably in it’s sixth season now), saying, among other things, that lead Billy Gardell “…(is) like John Candy, minus the talent, comedic timing, and good looks”. He’s saved his worst for Lorre, though, stating in a separate issue that “(Lorre’s) scripts aren’t fit for use as a monkey’s diaper”. In 2015, he reviewed a reissue of Dark Side of the Moon on three separate occasions (it received 5, 2, and 3 1/2 stars, respectively).

As the keeper of the mansion, Emilio’s brother has done his best to keep up some of the long standing traditions. He still holds movie night once a month, including a double feature of Major League and Major League 2 this past September. The mansion’s legendary parties are still well attended by Hollywood party stars and their hangers on, and still expertly catered. Though, there have been issues, such as last year’s St. Patrick’s Day, when porn star Riley Steele convinced Sheen to dye the pool and grotto water green, claiming it would be ‘festive’. Needless to say, the pool stayed empty that night.

This year, Charlie assures the revelers that there will be no food coloring in the pool, though he believes his will be the best St. Partick’s Day party around. Taking a puff from a thick cigar, he stands overlooking the party area and mutters to no one in particular, “Still winning. Always winning.”

Doing the Right Thing by Quitting Sheen Cold Turkey

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Charlie Sheen. The holy detestable scourge of humanity that is Charlie Sheen makes me want to punch him in his throat-box and then shake him until the crazy man living inside slides out onto the floor of the insane condom-wrapper filled hotel room he parties in.

Why?

Well because he’s taken all the goodwill sent his way by a gracious, but health-hobbled Michael J. Fox, and literally shot it up his nose and used it to slap the asses of various hookers just because he can, and mostly because CBS has paid him to do so. Nice. Sheen would be just another out of work, has-been actor, holed up under a bridge in Dogtown if Fox hadn’t had to leave Spin City. And now, yes now, that the network has finally realized this — what will they do about Charlie Sheen?

Don’t Pay Him Another Single Dime

Yeah, have you heard? He wants a raise. Yes, currently stuffing his pockets full of $1.8 million an episode is not sufficient. He now says that in order to return to his beloved-by-idiots show he wants $3 million an episode. $3 million?! That’s like an entire boat full of coke! A small island off the coast of the Maldives of low-class prostitutes! The entire salary brought home by his brother Emilio since The Breakfast Club!

I’d like to go on record by saying that no person, who on his television show spins a yarn of tired misogynistic tropes and sits on a couch in a bowling shirt while wearing loafers, should make anywhere near $3 million for anything. This is acting? Or is this what your loser uncle Irwin-the-Pharmacist does in his sad life living down by the docks? CBS should be laughing so hard the entire building should levitate 50 feet off the ground, spin, and then shoot into space and crash on the moon so they can attach a picture of Charlie Sheen to a flagpole as evidence of an alien life form, and then, and only then, return to ask if the coke-monster from Platoon is serious. There’s no way anyone should pay him one more dime to continue making this horrible show about a horrible person who basically holds the rest of the cast hostage every time he goes on a binge.

Don’t Feel Sorry For Him

You know how this country has a weak spot for beleaguered celebrities? How we decide that it’s not their fault that their parents/lives/celebrity/famousness made them the way they are and that they should get another chance? Yeah, this stupid thing we do. After all, look what’s happened to Robert Downey Jr. and Drew Barrymore — they’re fine now, and successful, and a testament to good old fashioned faith, talent, and an enviable stick-to-it attitude. Yes, well, that is nice. Well, no, it’s not! These people are all addicts. Yes. Okay, some have been able to overcome a large portion of their demons, mostly those who actually want to get better, and realized that they have a career to salvage. But others…well, they just don’t. (LiLo, I’m also looking at you, and Busey, well, I’m terrified of this season’s Celebrity Apprentice.) They just want to remain crazed, coke-addicted maniacs, because well, they enjoy it. They love, love, love it! It is all they have, and they don’t give a damn who knows it…because it’s really not about you.

This is what Sheen thinks about his drug use:

The Associated Press reports that during his various, “Fuck the world, I’m fabulous!” television tour this morning, he said that he “exposed people to magic” when they partied with him and that he loved doing drugs.

“What’s not to love?” he said on ABC. “Especially when you see how I party. It was epic. The run I was on made Sinatra, Flynn, Jagger, Richards just look like droopy-eyed armless children.”

Does he want to change? Nah. Will he change? Nope. Reportedly, he’s been clean for 72 hours because he finds coke boring. Yes, boring. I’m thinking if he could find a way to snort the skin-flakes of various porn stars for a high…he would do it until he finds that boring. Nonetheless, these are not the sentiments of a reformed drug abuser.

Realize That He Doesn’t Care About You Or The People Who Watch His Show

He isn’t an actor. He isn’t about the craft of acting. He doesn’t have aspirations of being the best artist or performer he can possibly be. He wants your money. And he’d rather get it with the satisfaction of having every person in authority prostrate themselves in front of him, because he’s a narcissistic drug addict. He believes that CBS owes him an apology, “publicly, while licking my feet” he says, for not recognizing his awesomeness, and because he’s “tired of pretending I’m not a total, bitchin’ rock star from Mars.” Absolutely. Yup, the more you keep sweeping his crap under the rug, and backing him and all his lunacy, is one more step you take into the darkside, CBS. The darkside that is letting the lunatics run the asylum and dictate to you how much their crazy is worth, because it’s easier to have a megalomaniac, shriveled wizard dictate how much money you will pay him to continue to keep your network afloat, instead of shipping this loon off into obscurity and replacing him with any number of talented actors.

“I am on a drug,” Sheen said. “It’s called Charlie Sheen. It’s not available because if you try it you will die. Your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body.”

Exactly. He is Charlie Sheen, and he is a drug. CBS, think you can stop chasing this dragon?

Update: Apparently someone gets it. This afternoon Sheen’s longtime publicist, Stan Rosenfield, quit after an interview with TMZ where Sheen made a remark implying that Rosenfield lied on his behalf about that Plaza Hotel incident in October.

“I have worked with Charlie Sheen for a long time and I care about him very much. However, at this time, I’m unable to work effectively as his publicist and have respectfully resigned,” states Rosenfeld.

I was kinda hoping he resigned because Sheen is a huge self-destructive prick who’s destined to take anyone down with him that attempts to latch themselves to his burning, sinking ship. But a bailout is a bailout, I suppose.