The Grand Inquisitor

America is doomed. The signs are everywhere. The economy is collapsing, America is declining in international influence, and the president is, um, ethnic. These are desperate times for Decent Americans© and desperate times call for desperate measures. Fortunately for you, I have scoured the internet to find out the tips that will help you survive the Hobbesian hellscape that will soon be America. Please print this article and post in it your bunker, rumpus room, or wherever it is you plan on riding out socialist/nazi/progressive Armageddon.

We don’t know exactly how America will go down, but let’s look at some of the more likely scenarios.

• Chinese Take Over. Obama will sell out America to the Reds and we will all be forced to read The Little Red Book. Note: this will be more than most of us have read in a decade. We will be all forced into slave labor and uncomfortable uniforms. I’m not sure what is supposed to happen after this, but it involves foreigners, so it can’t be good.
• New World Order. Obama will sell out America to rich, shadowy elites. The economy will be gutted and true patriots will be forced into concentration camps. We all get forced vaccinations and tracking chips. However, it looks like they will keep reality TV and beer flowing to hypnotize the masses, so it might not be that bad. Bonus, the government might finally get rid of your irritating cousins in Missouri.
• Economic Peak Oil Anarchistic Collapse Thingy. Obama will sell out America to foreign economic interests. This is the fun one. Part Mad Max, part Wall Street Journal; this is the one that separates the men from the boys. Expect highwaymen, biker gangs, and (god willing) cannibals. This is a very ammo intensive scenario, and you will be able to barter your daughter’s virtue for 10 gallons of gas.
• The Tribulation. Jesus is back and he’s totally pissed at Obama and all you commies who voted for him. Rivers of blood with patches of locusts are likely, unless you are raptured up at the beginning (you won’t be, whore). Guns aren’t particularly useful, but you might want to brush up on you Leviticus, because it’s probably going to be more of an Old Testament kind of deal.

What does one bring to the End Times? While it depends a little on the specific dystopian conditions you are facing, but there are always some key supplies useful for any fighter in the Army of the Righteous.

• Guns, guns, and more guns. Buy ammo now because Hillary Clinton is conspiring to take you guns away. You can never have enough guns, and keep them unlocked and loaded so you can get to them right away when the thugs from the teacher’s union come to take you to patriot detention.
• At least two years worth of overpriced, crappy dehydrated food. Put this in your basement in an area where it will inevitably get moldy and attract ants. This will piss of your spouse but they will thank you when martial law comes, if you are still married at that point. You can also grow a survival garden, but you will have to protect it from the hordes of marauding drug addicts that have fled the major cities.
• That Glenn Beck book about the revolution. I guess the sex scenes are pretty lame, but a good way to pass the time until Rand Paul and Michelle Bachman can establish a new territorial government in Cheyenne, Wyoming.
• Gold, gold, and more gold. Sure, gold is just another arbitrary symbol of value and has no intrinsic worth, but the lady on the shortwave told me I need some. However, you do get some kind of Twilight Zone hubris points if you starve to death in you basement surrounded by 50 pounds of the stuff.

Now you know what’s coming and you have your supplies. Let me give you a few tips

• Stay away from FEMA! Even though they have the food, medicine, and shelter, somehow they are the bad guys in this and they will make you into Harry Dean Stanton in Red Dawn.
• Your neighbors are the enemy, and must be dealt with accordingly. A crisis is no time for community cooperation (fucking progressives). This is every patriot for themselves even if it would be more beneficial for everyone to work together. Someone has to be the asshole on the block that suggests executing the Jenkins kid, be that asshole.
• Shoot first; let the grand jury sort it out later. Look, maybe you got a little carried away, but the power had been out for 4 hours and there was no air conditioning. A jury of your peers will totally understand that you had to shoot Bob and take his cooler to survive.
• Plan for the worst so you don’t have to put in the effort to make the best. We could probably avoid a social meltdown if we would all work together in a spirit of compromise and shared values, but who has time for that? Genuine efforts to make America a better place are so boring and non-violent. It’s a lot more entertaining complain about being the victim and troll your neighbors at a city zoning hearing by wearing a side arm.

So now you’re ready. If anyone tries to force you to gay marry or serve on a death panel you can resist just like Patrick Henry, if Patrick Henry had been a crazy, self-centered bastard. Be strong America. President Palin is only a couple of years away. Courage.