AMERICAN FOOTBALL IS BACK, DICKWAGONS. That means hard hitting, butt slapping, 3-4 defense, butt slapping, zone blocking, butt slapping, dreadlocks and butt slapping! After a bitter lockout and frenzied free agent season, the NFL kicks off (Wordplay, yo) the 2011 season with the defending Super Bowl champion Green Bay Packers defending their cheese-encrusted tundra against the New Orleans Saints.
The NFL is the epitome of American culture. There is nothing subtle or muted about the sport. Every play is celebrated with a dance no matter the context, the pregame shows are packed with fake, unfunny jocks in their 40s. The owners and networks rake in billions of dollars in profits, yet the only people to catch shit are the athletes who are the ones actually getting concussed for entertainment. Continue reading →
As the 2011 regular season draws to a close, the annual debate over regular season awards has begun to heat up. Everyone gets into it, from the average fan to old sportswriters to sanctimonious bloggers. Let’s get into the fun with our very own ballot. Pick a winner for each category, or feel free to write in a candidate. Ignorant debates that end with “COUNT THE RINGZ BRO” are highly recommended. For info on Wins Above Replacement (WAR) check out these links. We’ll start with the American League and come back with the Senior Circuit in a few days. Continue reading →
Hip-hop collaboration albums are a rare fruit. Fans are always pining for that Nas and DJ Premier album, or the mythical Dr. Dre and Rakim partnership. And oftentimes when collaborations do happen, it doesn’t sound like an actual union of two styles and moreso just two separate guys in the studio. Watch the Throne, the hotly-anticipated collaboration album between Jay-Z and Kanye West somehow manages to never really mesh two very strong personalities together into some Voltron made of Hermes and Yankees caps, but fortunately they have strong enough chemistry and incredible production that it works out. Continue reading →
A big reason why I love basketball so much is growing up in the 90s in suburban Chicago under the magic of Michael Jordan and the Bulls. One of my first memories growing up is my dad coming home from Montgomery Ward with a brand new Mitsubishi 46-inch TV and watching Game 1 of the 1992 NBA Finals, or more commonly known as “The Shrug” game.
We start off with a reminder of just how spoiled people were in the 90s. The NBA on the NBC was the pinnacle of sports broadcasting and it’s kind of painful to think of how crappy it’s become. The theme music! Let John Tesh course through your veins. Continue reading →
It’s been a year since television’s finest hour of drama was on the air but this Sunday Breaking Bad returns for its fourth season. It’s difficult to express exactly what the show has become since its high-concept beginning. For those who are completely in the dark, Breaking Bad is about the exploits of Walter White (Bryan Cranston), a high school chemistry teacher who is diagnosed with lung cancer and turns to producing and selling pure crystal meth in order to support his family and pay his medical bills. White enlists the help of a former student turned middling drug dealer Jesse Pinkman (Aaron Paul) and together they provide delicious meth for the children of New Mexico. Along the way they run into the usual: Drug cartels, twin assassins, elderly men who can only communicate via bells and sexually unsatisfied women. Continue reading →
In a stunning turn of events that shocked no one besides viruses because they are not living organisms and aren’t concerned with such matters, the NBA owners and players union could not come to a new agreement before the deadline today. The players are now locked out and a long summer of uncertainty and rumors and arguments between millionaires and even bigger millionaires await.
Unlike the NFL and their labor crisis, the NBA is not a league in great shape where the biggest problem is how to divvy up the billions of dollars in profits. Coming off a record season in terms of TV ratings and overall fan interest, the thirty owners lost a collective $300 million this year. According to commissioner David Stern the league has lost money in every year of the latest collective bargaining agreement. The league had to purchase the New Orleans Hornets so they wouldn’t be moved. Make no mistake, while LeBron James and his crew of flunkies ignited one of the most exciting seasons in recent memory the league is in trouble. The majority of small market teams seem completely inept at competing in an unbalanced market while the Lakers and Mavericks seemingly run through any speed bump by throwing a barrel of cash at it. Continue reading →
Happy Deriving Pleasure in Millionaires’ Failures Day! I’m sure all of you are drinking your finest German beers and listening to David Hasselhoff records. There are parades and explosions and balloons everywhere.
A few jokes to get the festivities going:
Q: Why did LeBron James skip college?
A: Because he didn’t want to go to the finals
I asked LeBron for change for a dollar and he only gave me three quarters. Continue reading →
Season Series: Dallas won both regular season games, but neither team has faced each other since December 20, and the Mavericks no longer have Caron Butler due to injury.
Regular Season Ranks: Dallas 8th in Offensive Efficiency, 8th Defensive Efficiency. Miami 3rd in Offensive Efficiency, 5th in Defensive Efficiency Continue reading →
Somewhere between cursing at the TV for a solid hour, threatening to maim Reggie Miller and then just sitting in stunned silence as if a loved one just passed away, I came to the conclusion that LeBron James is sort of good at basketball. Continue reading →
Apologies in advance to fans of Indiana Pacers, Atlanta Hawks and Philadelphia 76ers. Your teams are decent but aren’t worth talking about (remember these words when all three of them push their opponents to seven games).
Pure Sex Appeal
The Chicago Bulls: Unless you live under a rock there’s no question that this season’s biggest surprise has been the fantastic showing by the Chicago Bulls. After back-to-back .500 seasons and getting clowned by LeBron James and his crew of flunkies, the Bulls went out and pulled off one of the best Plan B’s in sports history. By pairing basketball-obsessed coach Tom Thibodeau with humble-bot Derrick Rose, the Bulls established a locker room where maximum effort was expected and defense a priority. TV Analyst Ramblings:
It’s the Defense, Stupid: The Bulls have been #1 in defensive efficiency for the majority of the season. In the playoffs where the pace slows to a crawl and half-court offense reigns supreme, can the Bulls keep their rotations tight and continue to contest shots?
Bulls Bountiful Bigs Banging Boards: Carlos Boozer and Joakim Noah have combined to miss over 60 games, but thanks to incredible depth the Bulls’ rebounding has not missed a beat. However, both starters are going to need to play much better offensively than they have in the past month in order for an extended playoff run.
The Man from Sudan: Luol Deng has been a much-maligend player for the duration of his Bulls tenure. He’s gone from overrated to underrated to overrated to now the second most important player on a possible title team. Deng is the only non-Rose player who can create his own shot, and his ability to play huge minutes while providing elite defense has been a major factor for Chicago’s success.
Do You Know Who This Kid Is?: Derrick Rose is good at basketball, to explain why would be futile.
Like a Bosh
The Miami Heatles: Oh, LeBron James. Little did anyone know that your incredibly self-absorbed and idiotic “Decision” would have been the greatest thing to happen to the NBA since baggy shorts. Thanks to one person’s delusion that no one would be upset about taking a televised dump on the city of Cleveland, the NBA’s ratings have skyrocketed. In the post-Jordan era this has been one of the most successful seasons yet. TV Analyst Ramblings:
In Miami, Basketball is 3-on-5: By now everyone knows about the incredible talent and production of the Heat’s 3 big stars. Bosh, Wade and James are not only incredibly gifted two-way players but they’re also efficient. The problem all season has been, what the hell happens when Miami faces a good defense that can take those 3 guys out of their element? The answer, not so much. The Heat have the worst bench in the league on a PPG basis, and thanks to salary cap constraints haven’t been able to find any impact players to pair with their stars.
Boys Don’t Cry: Miami’s struggles against elite teams has been well-documented. Other than sweeping the season series over the Lakers, they have not fared well against the league’s top teams. Even worse is that they seem to choke in every big game, and that the rest of the sports world seems to revel in their missteps. With two of the best closers in the game it was assumed Miami would handle crunch-time with ease, but it hasn’t been the case. Will the Heat actually run plays that work well (like say, a James/Wade pick and roll) or will they just keep forcing each guy to isolate every time?
I got nothing.
The Boston Celtics: 2008-2011 record before the All-Star game: 116-43. After the All-Star Game: 50-33. Injuries, age, trades and inconsistent play have put the Celtics on a roller-coaster ride for the past three seasons. They have ranged from the clear-cut best team in the league to a team that no one fears. A shocking deadline deal that sent starting center Kendrick Perkins to Oklahoma City has seemingly sent the team, famously close-knit, into a tailspin. But this is a veteran group that encountered similar struggles last year and almost won the title. TV Analyst Ramblings
Rajon Rondo, defunct Alien Cyborg: While the media fixates on the Boston Three Party of Pierce, Garnett and Allen, the dirty little secret about Boston is that they live and die based on the play of Rajon Rondo. A late 1st round pick who wasn’t supposed to amount to much has turned into one of the game’s best passers and a strong defender. He also has a worse jumpshot than my dad is a gaping piece of shit, but that’s another story. His play since the All-Star break has noticeably dipped and without a rejuvenated Rondo don’t expect Boston to get very far.
Will Shaq See the Court?: 74 year old Shaquille O’Neal made another pit-stop on the “Fuck I gotta get more rings than Kobe before I retire” tour when he signed with Boston. It was actually a match made in heaven as he accepted a reserve role and gave the Celtics one of the deepest benches in the league. However, Shaq has only played 37 games this year and last week injured himself by walking down the court (no joke).
The New York Knicks: I’m going to just come out and say it, I hate the Knicks. They are annoying, their fans are annoying, the Garden is annoying, Spike Lee is annoying, the admiration people have for this franchise is annoying. They don’t play any defense, Carmelo Anthony is one of the more overrated stars in recent memory and Amar’e Stoudemire gets less rebounds on a per minute basis than a barstool.
That said, they’re incredibly fun to watch and there are few arenas in the NBA that can get as rowdy as MSG. Mike D’Antoni is a gifted offensive coach who apparently lost the part of the brain that tells you basketball is also about preventing the opponent from scoring. Knicks fans have been suffering for quite some time and I think I can live in an age where Isiah Thomas isn’t running the most valuable NBA franchise into the ground. Also, Walt Frazier is a gift from heaven, everyone should cherish him.
Predictions: Bulls, Heat, Celtics, Magic all make it to the 2nd round. Bulls and Heat square off in the Conference Finals, Miami wins in 7 games.
AMERICAN FOOTBALL IS BACK, DICKWAGONS. That means hard hitting, butt slapping, 3-4 defense, butt slapping, zone blocking, butt slapping, dreadlocks and butt slapping! After a bitter lockout and frenzied free agent season, the NFL kicks off (Wordplay, yo) the 2011 season with the defending Super Bowl champion Green Bay Packers defending their cheese-encrusted tundra against the New Orleans Saints.
