Each day, we open up our digital copy of the New York Times and absurdly mock it (and ourselves) for its insanity. Today we learn something we didn’t know before about Jared Kushner.
We were originally going to discuss the Grey Lady’s obsession with rum, but we got lazy, and now it’s Tuesday and there’s a new Dining and Wine section and all they have to talk about is how amazing immature potatoes are and how you should definitely cook them in bristol board or something, which sounds completely ridiculous, but completely amazing and we’re definitely doing that for lunch tomorrow. Anyways, we should really get to the point: The new* profile of Jared “Dreamiest Man in New York**” Kushner.
Everyone hates Jared! Except for, of course, the people who currently work for him, like former Gawkerite (now Observer editor) Elizabeth Spiers. Graydon*** not so subtly hints that he thinks Mr. Kushner owns the Observer to raise his social standing which “is a chump’s game.” Oh, Graydon! We’ve read Vanity Fair and have walked past The Monkey Bar literally hundreds of times. We’d accuse you of trying to raise your social standing, but, of your three reasons to be in publishing, you clearly exemplify the second–to have fun! We mean, look at that hair! You’re obviously no longer awesome at great journalism**** (again, we’ve read Vanity Fair) and you’re obviously not into making money (again, we’ve read Vanity Fair), but that hair! Deliciously absurd. However, we’re not here to make fun of you, Graydon, we’re here to make fun of Jared “Dreamiest Man in New York” Kushner.
The most hilarious thing about this is not the continuing rehash of information that’s already been gone over a zillion times (daddy’s a crook who tried to entrap his brother-in-law with a prostitute to discredit his sister, Ivanka Trump is pretty, Peter Kaplan is bitter, Is the Observer Being Too Nice To Donald Trump? etc.), but the photo below in which Mr. Kushner is selling papers in Pershing Square. A man of the people he is! Also, Ivanka is a modest cook who doesn’t believe Jared when he tells her that the Sabbath dinner she slaved over was simply scrumptious!
Really, all we’ve gotten out of this is that Jared Kushner grew up in New Jersey. We totally would have guessed Connecticut.
*Yes, we are aware that this story is from Friday’s paper, not Tuesday’s.
**Isn’t he just?
***We’re totally on first name basis with America’s Favorite Restaurateur slash Electric Shock Victim
****Spy was before our time, but we’ve totally been reading it on Google Books
