Jonathan Goldstein is a miserable nebbish who will forever be stuck in the frozen wasteland of Canadian radio, broadcasting to no one. His friends mock him, his parents coddle him and his ex-girlfriends hate him. Mainly because he has a tendency to call after midnight – drunk – asking if he can come over to sleep in the same bed as her and her husband so that he can get a good nights sleep. He is pretentious. He is self-centered. He is egotistical. Jonathan Goldstein, one could say, is a terribly boring troglodyte who just so happens to be the most brilliant figure in entertainment radio.
You may know the name Jonathan Goldstein from his many years of being a producer and contributor to Ira Glass’ This American Life where he told a memorable story involving the greatest phone message in the history of ever which was recorded in the late 80s/early 90s at Columbia University (Ep. 203: Recordings for Someone):
“You and the Little Mermaid can both go fuck yourselves. I can’t find the books. They’re not here, they must be in La Jolla. I’m not going to wait up all night for you. Goodbye.”
However, you may not be aware of his little radio show over in Canada, WireTap. In 2004, CBC Radio One made the great mistake of giving Goldstein a platform wherein he could record long, overwrought monologues that made the most stoic of its listeners want to obtain a firearm and shoot themselves and their families. Thank YHWH his phone has been surgically attached to his ear (a clamshell unfortunately; 2004 was a different time) because without that electronic transplant, the show wouldn’t have been an experiment in conversation, because that’s what WireTap is at its core: A Show About Conversation.
Johnny records every telephone call he has with his friends and family, and then puts it on the show. Obviously it’s scripted, but it’s so perfectly scripted. As a young playwright intent on perfecting the art of conversation on paper, I spend a lot of my time listening to WireTap to figure out just exactly how he does it. Each character is perfectly drawn and fully three dimensional. Aside from Johnny, the main characters are Howard Chackowicz, Gregor Ehrlich, Joshua Karpati and Jonathan’s somewhat stereotypical Jewish parents, Buzz and Dina Goldstein.
Howard is a manchild with no college degree, no job and is a legal dependent of Jonathan; he is fond of souvlaki. Gregor is Jonathan’s agent, a snarky American with big ideas to get Johnny out of the hell hole that is the Canadian wilderness and into the glitz and glamour that is Hollywood (a recent plot involved Jonathan chopping off his foot and implanting it onto his head). Joshua is an effeminate intellectual who bounces between jobs faster than Barbie, despite his Columbia education. And Jonathan’s parents? His mother exists to let him know that he’s awesome and his father acts as her foil, a devil’s advocate for each and every conflict. Other characters include Mireille Silkoff and Marie-Claude Palette, Jonathan’s long-time friends who have grown to hate him, yet, tolerate his misgivings, to a point.
Each interaction is a wondrous study in psychotic human interaction. For instance, let us recall the time when Johnny was supposed to take Marie-Claude’s daughter, Jonathan’s goddaughter, out for the day, but was going to blow her off to introduce an art rock band called The Books. After Marie-Claude brought up his alcoholism and tendency to use her children as servants and Helen brought up that she had created a holiday in his honor that was that very day, Johnny was guilted into skipping the introduction. The introduction, we learn, would have consisted of his mother introducing his introduction: “Ladies and Gentleman, I gave birth to him so that you could be entertained, my son, the clown prince of comedy, Jonathan Goldstein. Jonathan took the nine year old Helen (whom he thought was four) to a honey tasting (she hates honey) and earning him further hatred from his boss Nancy McMurphy who is continuously befuddled at how difficult Jonathan is.
Jonathan Goldstein is the lovechild of Anton Chekhov and Bud Abbot. WireTap is the funniest, most psychologically intense show in the history of radio.
Season 6: Bernice Meadows
You are listening to the sound of yourself picking up a phone and overhearing hilarity.
WireTap can be heard Saturdays at 13:30 EST on CBC Radio One and online.
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