Each day, we open up our digital copy of the New York Times and mock it (and ourselves) for its insanity. Today we learn that parents everywhere are idiots, not just those in Park Slope. But especially those in Park Slope.
Oh, please pity me! I left my stroller unlocked outside my apartment because I was too lazy to collapse it and carry it up the stairs and now it’s been stolen! Poor me! Never mind that I have such a laissez-faire attitude towards my possessions that I leave a $400-to-$1000 item outside with no protection. No, that’s not going to be stolen at all. Not in Brooklyn! I mean, I live on a busy street! This kind of thing just doesn’t happen to people like me!
This article fucking pisses me the fuck off and yet, it’s made me completely fall in love with the NYPD, despite their many, many issues. Why am I in love? Because when Elissa Gootman called NYPD Info to report the theft of her precious baby mover and inquire (as journalists tend to do) about stroller statistics, the officer replied with the following:
“We don’t have a Stolen Stroller Squad”
Back to the populist rage that is most likely stemmed from my failure to survive in NYC due to my insatiable need for cheap good food all the time (damn you Detroit!). Once, once, I left the back wheel of my bike unlocked in Chinatown. DUMB IDEA BOZO. 
I came back to find that someone with a wrench had disassembled it and stolen my wheel. It’s always fun riding the subway with a broken bike, so lady, really? You really thought your precious stroller that cost a couple hundred shy of what my bed-bug ridden apartment in Sunset Park cost would be safe on, let me guess, Flatbush or Fulton? Fold it up and carry it. Don’t go fucking whining about it to the paper you write for. It’s not an “Urban Problem of the Bourgeoisie.” It’s not “a Robin Hood scenario.” It’s you being stupid. You know they make stroller locks. You mentioned them in your article and I’m in such a state of shock right now that this was actually in print and not just on the blogs because it’s fucking stupid.
Again, “We don’t have a Stolen Stroller Squad.”
The Stolen Stroller: An Urban Bourgeois Problem?
Photos: BKLYN Guy Flickr (top) and Ben Cummings Flickr
