Some of these guys have cropped up in the news lately, but they’re not a new faction to our society. No sir. I’ve been talking about Deli Rubes and Coffee Shop Hobos for years. Since about 2007 or so, and the affliction that they suffer from hasn’t gotten much better. I think I’ll call this affliction “Me-ism.” Yes, yes, I know there’s probably some other well-nuanced term I could use. Narcissism, or self-centeredness….yawr, whatever. No, I’m going with the very simple…Me-ism.
The Deli Rube
Have you heard this? “Yes, I’d like an everything bagel, lightly toasted with cream cheese on one side only, butter on the other, completely scooped out, jelly on the side” or this, “I’ll take one slice, please. Can you blot the grease?” or “Iced coffee, light and sweet, twelve sugars, extra ice, filled to the top, and spun on a merry-go-round in Egypt.” No, that last thing wasn’t serious, but you get my meaning.
It’s these little extras. The little personal, concierge service requests that can just annoy the hell out of everyone waiting in line behind you. Yes, we get it. We know that you think you’re some sort of special snowflake that can’t be bothered with scooping out your own bagel, or blotting your own pizza grease, or putting your own diabetic coma into your morning coffee sundae. Can I discuss the fact that if you’re so worried about carbs that you probably shouldn’t eat a carb-loaded bagel? Scooping out a bagel has got to be the biggest waste of time. If you wanted toast, get toast. If you wanted a cracker, get a cracker. Why, just why, would you waste time on a bagel when you really don’t want a bagel? This is a mystery that makes the Spirit want to push someone into the salad bar when I hear it.
Anyway, yes, the people at the deli who work incredibly hard trying to appease the every whim of the not easily appeased Manhattanite should be commended for their steely resolve. I’m not sure how they don’t just lose it when someone asks for something 1) not on the menu 2) with caveats, and extras, and specifics 3) all while being eyeballed like a hawk while they make a turkey and Swiss, on a wrap with five pickles, three cucumbers, two squirts of mayo, two leaves of lettuce, and one finely julienne olive 4) just to unwrap it and say, “I asked for five pickles” while giving the rest of us in line the “Can you believe this idiot didn’t give me five pickles?” face. Yes, I don’t know how you don’t just slice someone’s throat box just a little bit when this happens. But then you’d have to clean the knife first just to make sure there’s no onion on it…because oh, the horror of tasting a little onion at a time like this. Head. Wall.
This has to stop! There is no reason for anyone to turn the deli experience into a brain smash of inanity and selfish ridiculousness. Sure, yes, we all enjoy our little neighborhood haunts. And most of us like what we like, but that’s why there are grocery stores…so you can go buy whatever your heart desires. If you want anchovies and peanut butter on an everything bagel, scooped out, and replaced with bathroom sponges…go for it! At home! Leave the rest of us to order our bacon, egg, and cheese carb-loaded, death spiral of sintastic glory in peace, without having to wait for your precious Fabergé tea set recovered from the Titanic.
The Coffee Shop Hobo
“
Hello, hi. You’re sitting here with your treatise or thesis or whatever on Why the World is a Dark and Lonely Place with all your charts and graphs spread out across two tables, one housing your laptop, the other — books, your messenger bag, and one empty coffee cup. So, yeah, you’re going to have to move your shit so I can sit down and enjoy my lunch, because I only get an hour, and frankly, I could either spend it eating in peace, or punching you in your widow’s peak for sixty minutes. What’ll it be? ”
No, I haven’t actually said this. Or have I? Maybe. No. Yes.
I’ve heard of the uprising of late of those who have determined that eateries with free WiFi should be their own personal lounges, and how dare anyone tell them that they can’t work there for an entire day despite the fact that the establishment is busy and recent paying customers would like to dine in. So, yes, you’re beyond being a jerk if you don’t recognize this fact and move to allow someone to sit and eat. However, no, this is not what some people have done. No, some have taken to the airwaves and their blogs to lament how they were accosted when they tried to simply squat for hours in a public establishment.
No one is saying that you can’t eat, drink, and enjoy the WiFi, you certainly can. But if you know you’re no longer eating, and you’re essentially using the space as a library, you should pick up your stuff and relocate to an actual library. The creative Gods will not somehow forsake you if you’re not in the midst of the general public while you star in your own Woody Allen movie where you’re the great writer in the middle of the city’s pulse. And no, by moving you’re not sacrificing meeting the love of your life while writing, “The Night Was Humid” as you share shy glances across a crowded coffee shop with Morrissey playing in your ear buds! No, Jerk! That’s me giving you the evil fucking eye because I’d like to sit! Look for your soulmate on your own time. This is our time as Mr. Spicoli says.
Beat it.
Jerk Redemption
Again, there are some really easy ways to redeem yourself in both scenarios. If you’re a Deli Rube, you can simply acknowledge that 8:35am or 12:00pm when the deli is at its busiest may not be the time to Princess Anastasia your food order. Everyone wants some sort of food orgasm, but there’s no need to do this in public on a daily basis. Grab breakfast or lunch that’s suited for an on-the-go lifestyle in the city. Leave all your extra special gastronomical creations for those lazy weekends. Okay? Great.
Hi there, coffee shop hobo. I think you guys should treat the coffee shop, or small eatery experience like a perpetual lunch hour. Dining alone should take no more than an hour’s time max. There’s really nothing happening that’s worth more than an hour’s attention, especially during peak hours if you’re sitting by yourself and you don’t have finger puppets. You can always come back, and stay longer when the shop isn’t busy, but really don’t make people stand there with their food and look at you like you’re a scumbag because you really don’t give a shit that someone else paid for their lunch and has every right to sit.
If in Manhattan, check out the huge academic library on East 42nd street and fifth avenue. There’s free WiFi, you can even rent a laptop if you need to, and there’s no shortage of cool folks that come through on a daily basis if you need to stop and people watch. Just don’t try and sleep in there. They don’t play that.
Happy eating!
* If you’ve come in contact with a Jerk recently, and you’d like to have him or her brought up on Jerk Charges in one of these posts, just email me at [email protected], and I’ll see to it your Jerk becomes a nominee for our “Jerk of the Week”.
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