There is no way around it. There are just some things that are too awful to exist. Like legitimately sent to kill everyone in its wake. Denny’s is just such a place.
For the last few weeks I’ve stuck to individuals or groups that could justifiably be called “jerks.” This week I’m going with a restaurant. And not just any restaurant, but a restaurant that has made it their mission to render an entire consumer base exploded from heart disease. Therefore this week’s jerk is:
Denny’s: A Noxious Den of Butter, Bacon, And Cheese Destruction
Now, don’t get me wrong, a little bacon, and a little cheese isn’t the end of the world. Is it nutritionally sound or the most beneficial foodstuff you can ingest? Not by a long shot. It’s all bad to a point…but there is bad, and then there’s Denny’s. Take a look at their new commercials.
Did someone say CHEESE? HOW ABOUT CHEESE?! OR CHEESE?!
Or this one where people actually want to HAVE SEX WITH THEIR FATTY CHEESE THINGS!
I’m sorry, I’m not even sure what I’m looking at. Is that macaroni and cheese on a patty melt that already has cheese on it? Hork! Um, yikes. Um. Yeah. And, then, THEN in the “Cheesy Breakfast” option (THERE’S A CHEESY BREAKFAST OPTION!) there seems to be cheese in the sausage. Wow. That’s just…that’s just obscene. Is there a bucket under each table at Denny’s? If not, there should be. There are literally no words for what this is and what all of that congealed cheese will do to your body. Forget mom jeans and track suits, I’m thinking a swimming pool and a store awning. Did someone say cholesterol? Or heart disease? Obviously not. Obviously in the world in which Denny’s operates those things don’t exist. Apparently all medical ailments can be fixed with I dunno…jam? Denny’s is a supreme jerk because they just don’t care. Nope. They don’t care. They will literally wrap cheese in cheese, roll it in cheese sauce, and then serve it to you on a bed of meat and bread and challenge your intestines to a duel. If doctors ever have to open your chest cavity they will find your aorta filled with cheese. Yes, your heart muscle will become a lasagna.
Unless some things change, I command the proprietor of Denny’s to hell.
Jerk Redemption:
I’m not even sure this is possible, but perhaps things can change.
Somehow the restaurant chain managed to survive some substantial issues dealing with abject discrimination in their restaurants. Remember that? Yes, in the early 1990’s Denny’s was synonymous with racism. Some of the restaurants were accused of making blacks prepay, not serving them as quickly as whites were served and sometimes not serving blacks at all. According to the Associated Press, in one case, black Secret Service agents assigned to protect the president said they sat unserved until the whites around them had finished eating. The following class action lawsuit was settled for $54 million in 1994 and pushed the chain to make a transformation.
As reported in 2002, half of Denny’s parent company’s 46,000 employees were minorities, 11 percent of them black and 31 percent Hispanic, which lead to being named “Best Company in America for Minorities” by Fortune magazine two years in a row.
Now if they can work diligently enough to change their hiring habits, and service to the general public, why not go a step further and offer menu options that reflect the same amount of forward thinking?
In May of this year Fitness magazine, reported on 30 Worst Fast-Food Choices, and you guessed it, Denny’s is on the list, especially their Cheesy Three Pack Appetizer ( 1,940 calories, 125g fat, 23g saturated fat, 100g cholesterol, 3,840mg sodium). The article states that if you find yourself at a Denny’s, there are ways to get around the calorie-loaded, salt covered meals, and lists a few options. The healthier items were launched after a lawsuit by a New Jersey man indicated that the company was “putting customers at risk with its unsafe sodium levels.” According to Fitness:
Denny’s claimed it couldn’t meet all the demands of the lawsuit completely, citing costs and taste compromises, and instead introduced a line of healthier menu options. The chain now claims to use frying oil that adds zero grams of trans fat per serving.
Is that enough? I’m thinking no. They could and should do more. At any rate, what about those commercials? It doesn’t look like the company wants to advertise their healthier options. I would imagine it has something to do with those perceived “taste compromises.” For now though, it seems they’re largely happy being the place where you go to get Grand Slammed, Cheese Breakfasted, and Bacon Sundaed, until well, you die.
Get it together, Denny’s. We’ll be watching.
* If you’ve come in contact with a Jerk recently, and you’d like to have him or her brought up on Jerk Charges in one of these posts, just email me, at [email protected], and I’ll see to it your Jerk becomes a nominee for our “Jerk of the Week”.
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