Jerks. They exist. We see them everyday. They sit in the cubicle next to you. Perhaps they rub their butt on your hand while on the subway, or they ride on the stair directly behind you on an escalator and breathe garlic-onion dip on the back of your neck. COURTESY STAIR! COURTESY STAIR! You always provide one courtesy stair after the person in front of you. Sheesh. These guys, and many others like them litter our world with their collective jerkiness totally oblivious to their er, problem, while nonchalant in their affect, and mostly unrepentant.
Today we’ll start calling out jerks. Because, really, they need to know.
The Toe-Shoes Guy
Hey, hi, yeah, you like to get your fitness on? Yup, you’re expressly concerned with long-distance running without shoes? Fantastic fabulousness! I applaud you, really. I think it’s great that you’re so in tune with your body, your nature, and your surroundings to make the decision that you should be shoeless as the Gods intended. Go, do you, man. Live out the Toe Shoe of Life dream, buddy. Don’t let anyone stop you. Live free, play hard.
Except…
Wait, you’re in my elevator. You have on your fabulous, fitness-based, extra special, magical, life-sustaining, power harnessing toe shoes with plaid board shorts, a wrinkly button down shirt, and I can see your stomach (and stomach hair! Yikes!) under those two bottom buttons you missed. Yawr, I’m thinking you’re not taking this fitness thing all that seriously, since you’re kind of paunchily made. But yet, you’re standing so very close to me in the elevator. Your squishy (wet?) toe feet are nearly touching my feet as you anxiously attempt to leave the elevator ahead of me, because obviously, your toe shoes say you have to go everywhere fast (and RIGHT NOW!), right, burrito guy? You’re so very important because the toe shoes tell you so, huh? What would actually happen if you didn’t burst out the elevator like a bull wearing flip-flops? Will the toe shoes disintegrate from non-proper use? I think we’ve long passed that idea. Mostly though, I don’t think these are meant to be the Crocs of the fitness world. So how about we take it down a notch, Mr. Speedy Mustard Stain in Fancy Foot Shoes? You’ll get to where you need to be. No need to swipe your toes across my forehead to get there.
Despite what you may think, you’re not the most important thing to walk erect on this planet. Wait your turn like the rest of us, unless you think those little toe shoes can stop me from crushing your precious tootsies with a size ten Nike. Right? Right.
Jerk Redemption
As HuffPo has reported, there are some really cool reasons behind the invention of “Barefoot Alternative Shoes.” They can assist those with posture problems, back problems and the like, and there is a whole movement centered around barefoot running. There is science to support the fact that the human foot in its natural form was meant to remain in this state, and left without shoes we would all have better arch strength, and increased stability. Our feet would fan out and take on a wider, more stable base for walking and running, as shown here:
Conversely, after decades of wearing shoes, our feet decidedly take on the form of the shoes we most wear, which can serve in a crowding and cramping of the toes, as seen here:
So, it’s not so much that wearing the aforementioned “toe shoes” are necessarily a bad thing. Certainly not. But with many things with good intentions there are always people who take it to the extreme, celebrate the item for its fad or trend appeal, and the real reason behind them becomes lost somewhere between benefit and absurdity. I think we should try hard not to become that guy. Or this guy! And definitely not that guy! Crikey!
* If you’ve come in contact with a Jerk recently, and you’d like to have him or her brought up on Jerk Charges in one of these posts, just email me, at [email protected], and I’ll see to it your Jerk becomes a nominee for our “Jerk of the Week”.
