Here’s the thing about us all being such incredibly shallow bastards: Uh, we’re incredibly shallow bastards. We like photos, because looks matter, and while those who did post pictures turned out to be largely pleasant surprises, it’s impossible not to wonder what’s hiding behind those who are forgoing pictures in favor of a thousand words. Luckily, your favorite editorial assistant (I mean me, assholes) is here to decipher some choice words and phrases from actual Gawker Dating posts in order to help you understand who’s painting hot pictures and who’s basically spray-painting acne and man-boobs all over the place, using a little game I like to call “This is Where You Lost Me.” Continue reading
Daily Archives: December 14, 2010
7 posts
I was kidding around on a past post about how I will punish my children when (I know it’s not an if, they’ll try it) I catch them drinking. Someone pointed out in the comments that not much will stop a teenager from drinking. That’s almost universally true. But there is one glaring exception and that exception is my mother.
My mother has been a teacher for something like 45 years and when I was in high school, she taught at a Catholic high school (she still teaches there at the age of 80 and any of her current students will tell you that she’s still as scary as ever). The nuns have nothing on my mom in terms of intimidation. Mildred has it down to a science. I didn’t actually attend my mother’s high school. She mercifully allowed me to attend the public high school. My brother got into trouble and had to go to my mom’s school and actually had her as a teacher. But I was allowed off the hook.
Like every other teenager on the planet, I tried drinking. Unfortunately, I wasn’t very good at it and made a huge strategic error early on in my drinking career. I and two of my friends got drunk at a high school dance. When I say “drunk”, I mean “annihilated”. With typical teenage savvy, we decided that we would split two full bottles of vodka between the three of us. Clearly this proves that we were not experienced drinkers because no one who has ever had a red wine headache would consider drinking that much alcohol. We got busted almost immediately, probably because none of us could walk and at least 2 of us were in the bathroom puking up pure alcohol.
They called our parents who had the privilege of picking up their shitfaced daughters at a high school on Friday night. My two friends were told that the raging hangovers were their punishments. However, things went a bit differently for me.
Here are some of the procedures Mildred put in place to dissuade me from doing any more underage drinking:
- A 3 hour lecture at 6 am the following morning while I had what is still the worst hangover of my life (and that includes college)
- Grounding for a full month and in Mildred’s house, that meant no tv, no phone, no leaving the house other than for school and church
- Many, many Catholic masses
- An AA meeting
- A detailed report on alcoholism (researched at the library)
- I was suspended and had to spend the time working for my grandfather. Sweatshop owners have nothing on my grandfather when it came to making people work.
- During the week of Christmas break, I had to report to the janitor at the high school and help clean graffiti off the walls. I also got to clean toilets in the gym.
- I had to attend counseling meetings with two dimwitted teachers at the high school. They’d each taken a psychology class in college and felt qualified to diagnose my family as dysfunctional based on the fact that I, a teenager, had drank alcohol.
- Sniff tests every time I walked through the door for the next year.
Now, I’m not going to lie and say that I never again did any underage drinking, but I cut waaaaaaaay back after that incident. Especially in high school. College is another story entirely.
Let’s talk about names. Please make sure to use a name we’ll recognize when commenting so that we know who you are. Even if you had to register with a name you didn’t prefer you can always add an alias or screen name so that it displays with what you want.
Today may or may not result in a rompie because it is cold and wet and I have job application shit to do before December 16. So, Ruby is laying on the bed dozing, waiting for something interesting to happen.
If you have ever been in college, grad school, or been poor, you’ve stared at the pieces of paper tacked to the wall or the ads in the back of the Village Voice.
Bipolar and untreated? We may have $300 for you. Female smoker between the ages of 18-34? Let’s say you get $200.
Most researchers aren’t nefarious, cruel, downright evil, or complete idiots. However, it is not unlikely that they are distracted by trying to get tenure, published, finish a dissertation, etc. So they aren’t exactly your friends either.
Here is a quick guide on how to choose a study and what your rights are.
What to shoot for
Avoid “going big”
The larger the payoff, the more likely you’re in for something painful, like a lumbar puncture; something dangerous, like early stage drug testing; or something time intensive that will have you chronicling minutiae of your life on a daily basis.
A $25-$50 study is your best bet. It’s likely a one time investment of one to two hours of your life. It will buy you a night of drinking or a nice meal. It also will not include drugs, medical procedures, or severe emotional trauma.
Expand beyond health research
Computer scientists need participants too. Usability tests may not net you a ton of money, but you can get anything from a free lunch to $50 for sitting at a computer and telling people you can’t find anything on their website for an hour.
Shut up, Sara. I’m going big.
AKA
Seriously, I’m bipolar and untreated, my life can’t get any worse
Okay. This is where things get tricky depending on how ethical your researcher is. Most are moderately ethical, but that isn’t enough.
1. You get to ask questions before you enroll.
And you should. As a participant, you get to know:
- What is the purpose of this study?
- What happens with the results?
- Who does this help?
- What am I putting myself at risk of?
- Scary medical procedures?
- Scary psychological testing?
- New and relatively untested drug side effects?
- Other than money, what am I going to get out of this?
- If a drug helps me, what happens when the study is over?
- If I’m on the placebo, but you find out the drug works, how will I know?
- Will you let me know what the results are regardless?
- Are any alternative procedures, help, or support available for me?
- Is there someone on call 24/7 in case anything goes wrong?
- Will you be in contact with my regular doctor?
- What happens if something serious happens and I have to have emergency treatment or ongoing treatment to recover: who pays for that?
2. You get to say no
You do not have to enroll just because you showed up to sign the paperwork to enroll. If what they’re asking you to do freaks you out, you can leave.
Additionally, you can leave the study at any time. If the researcher badgers you or pressures you to stay, stand firm and say that you made the decision that is best for you and then hightail it out of there.
I am a heroin-using pregnant woman and would like to participate in the mother study pictured for big money
Sorry. There is often no cash given for research targeted to vulnerable populations. It continues to suck to be desperate, addicted, homeless, institutionalized, or in severe poverty. If that’s your situation, you can still ask all of those questions above, but it’s not as easy to walk away due to your circumstances.
Finally
If you decide to become a guinea pig, tell us how it goes and what you do with the money!
Not all rap is just endless metaphors and wordplay. The “story rap” packs its narrative into a 3 minute single. Here are some of my favorite story raps. I even tried to pull from different regions and styles. NYC is heavily represented of course. That’s mainly because of Nas, Mos Def and Gang Starr, who all seem to love doing story raps. But don’t forget the Dirty South and West coast. They’re representin’ too.
“Crime Story” by DMX
An armed robbery goes wrong, so the scofflaw is forced to hide from the police. While in hiding, the protagonist reflects on his life and decides his only option is a suicide mission against the precinct house. Note the cameo by a young Ja Rule.
“I Gave You Power” by Nas
Nas is probably one of the rappers most closely associated with story raps. This one is written from the POV of a gun. It’s a risky narrative strategy but I think it works. And unlike an actual gunshot wound, the song’s nice jazzy 90s beat doesn’t hurt.
“It Was a Good Day” by Ice Cube
A day in the life of Ice Cube, rapped over top of a thick Isley Brothers sample. Sometimes everything really is alright. As Mr. Cube would say, sometimes you just need to “put that ass to sleep.”
“Betrayal” by Gang Starr feat. Scarface
Between Gang Starr’s Guru and Scarface, these are two of the greatest rap voices ever. On this track Scarface tells a story about an athletically-gifted kid who tries to live a clean life until “a group of knuckleheads came through jumpin.”
“The Heist” by Big L
Big L teaches us how to set someone up for a robbery/mugging. Maybe if OJ listened to this he wouldn’t be in prison now. Oh well.
“Crosstown Beef” by Medina Green feat. Mos Def
This track was on the classic “Soundbombing 2” album. No one remembers who Medina Green even was, but he and Mos came up with a great one here. This is pretty much exactly how I imagine it feels to be caught up in gang drama.
“Memory Lane” by Nas
From the classic Illmatic album, Nas takes us back to his childhood. He was only like 18 when he wrote this, though, so I suspect he’s really just an excellent storyteller.
“Back in the Day” by Ahmad
I couldn’t name one other song by Ahmad, but this song is pure win. He even makes references to Gazelles and Turkish links. A perfect ode to 80s rap innocence.
“Once Upon A Time” by T.I.
From T.I.’s “Fuck a Mixtape” mixtape, this is a story rap where someone is heard asking T.I. why doesn’t do story raps no more. Awesome, I know. Also, T.I.’s story about an encounter with a strange visitor to your stash house is damn interesting.
“I’ve Committed Murder” by Gang Starr feat. Mos Def and Macy Gray
Do you hate your job? Is your boss a raging asshole? If so, listen to this slice of revenge fantasy. Macy Gray is practically perfect in this song.
“How to Break Up With Your Girlfriend” by Jean Grae
Instead of killing people, how about we just cut them loose? Jean Grae teaches you how to end a bad relationship. I feel like Chuck Finley could have used this one.
“Me and Jesus the Pimp in a 79 Granada Last Night” by The Coup
One of the greatest song titles ever created, this one is an absolutely epic story about the evils of prostitution. Human misery has never sounded quite this good.
“Int’l Players Anthem (I Choose You)” by UGK feat. Outkast
Andre3000 steals the show on this one. His verse is just incredible. Going back through his various hook-ups and girlfriends, he walks us through his new Grown Ass Man shit. Then Pimp C (RIP!), wearing enough fur to destroy PETA singlehandedly, takes us through his random sexual conquests and disregard for traffic safety. This is sure to be a hit at your next wedding reception!
Everybody Loves Reptilians
Most conspiracy theories rely on the same old tired villains and puppet masters to frighten believers into reading really crappy websites and investing all of their money in survival gardens. The Illuminati, the Free Masons, the Jews, blah, blah, blah, we have heard this all before. Note to conspiracy people: give the Jew thing a rest. They are only .2% of the worlds population, and bitching that Jews control the world does literally make you a fucking Nazi.
However, one group of crazies has made a dedicated effort to keep things 
fresh in paranoid land. These are those who have the insight to see the shadows that surround us. They know that there is more than meets the eye in the day-to-day machinations of the global power structure. These are the believers in the Reptilians (sometimes called Draconians if your not a total poseur). These folks know that many of the most powerful people in the world are not only working against the good of humanity, but that they are not even human. Everybody panic!!!!!!
Essentially, the reptilian conspiracy says that a group of space aliens (or extra-dimensional travelers, depending on your Thorazine dose) have infiltrated the human power structure and are secretly running the world. The reptilians have been around for most of human history, and we all know Jesus, Angelina Jole, and George H.W. Bush are reptilians. You can see a full list here, at this uniquely designed website.
Need proof that that the reptilians walk among us? It’s in their beady little eyes.
They even control the media.
By the way, this is the greatest video ever loaded to YouTube.
So, why should we be afraid of the reptilians, they have been here forever, right? Well, the problem is that the reptilians want to get rid of human beings so that they can have all of the Earth’s delicious resources for themselves. That is why there are so many natural disasters (not climate change) and why our civil liberties are being taken away (not weak political leadership). Fortunately, there is another group of aliens called the Vulturites (really), who are trying to protect humanity from both the reptilians and our own destructive tendencies.
David Icke: Soldier for Truth
The world’s most prominent expert on reptilians is Brit David Icke. Icke’s qualifications included being a mediocre footballer and the British equivalent of a shock jock (sound familiar, Mr. Beck)? Since he started peddling this claptrap, Icke has written a number of books, but makes no money off of them because he was too stupid to secure his own copyright. Nonetheless Icke, has a successful website and does extensive speaking tours so that jackasses like you won’t be made into lizard food. The motto of the website is Exposing the Dreamworld We Believe to be Real, which kind of sums up the whole delusional enterprise. There are of course those who do not tow Icke’s line about the reptilians. The reptilian believer community is full of Judean People’s Front type divisions and since everyone involved is crazy it is hard to sort out who is who. Bonus: Alex Jones and the Prison Planet people actually really hate the reptilian people because it makes the conspiracy community look crazy (lulz). However, they all agree that we are doomed if we don’t continue to watch them on the internet.
Note: This is the worst video ever posted on YouTube.
So stay vigilant Crasstalkers, the final battle is coming. Prepare yourself for war. Soon you will be forced to choose sides, and you never know who is watching.