Gawker Dating, Part II: This is Where You Lost Me

Here’s the thing about us all being such incredibly shallow bastards: Uh, we’re incredibly shallow bastards. We like photos, because looks matter, and while those who did post pictures turned out to be largely pleasant surprises, it’s impossible not to wonder what’s hiding behind those who are forgoing pictures in favor of a thousand words. Luckily, your favorite editorial assistant (I mean me, assholes) is here to decipher some choice words and phrases from actual Gawker Dating posts in order to help you understand who’s painting hot pictures and who’s basically spray-painting acne and man-boobs all over the place, using a little game I like to call “This is Where You Lost Me.”

hmm dont think this worked last night. Try try again.

24/f living in the East Bay, Ca.

Pursing a masters in psychology. Enjoys hiking and sleeping in. Sexually attracted to men who challenge me and can teach me new things, in and out of the bedroom 🙂

I would love to escape my serious Capricorn ways once in a while, maybe you can bring the inner child out of me? Not comfortable posting a pic, but if you’re interested I have Bookface….

I like a girl with perseverance, that’s for sure…if at first you don’t exceed, well, she knows what to do!

This is Where You Lost Me: “Capricorn.” Because I’m an Aquarius, and our chakras don’t align with the stars and retrograde and oh I’m just kidding, I don’t know crap about astrology and would never do someone who placed stock in it enough to put it in a personal ad. If you’re into that kinda thing though, tap that! Because girl seriously wants to get laid. I don’t know if she’s hot, but this is one of those cases where I feel it probably doesn’t matter.

26/M/Straight/NYC

Me: Awesome. I work in finance (promise I’m not a terrible person), live alone in NYC, about 5’10, spanish but I speak Russian (b/c I rule), am a really good cook and baker, and dare I say not too shabby looking?

Likes: Alcohol, Soccer, High fiving random strangers, breaking out into dance in public, making snide comments, pretending to be a foreigner, dropping a well placed “fuck” at opportune times, being a provocateur.

You: 63% sane, don’t mind being drunk, a bit of a smartass, not so nice, and I guess attractive?

Takers?

True story that those who speak Russian without being of Russian descent are awesome, and I like how “attractive” was tossed on as a faux afterthought, but

This is Where You Lost Me: “I work in finance (promise I’m not a terrible person).” Dude. Of course you are. Just own it. Also, “Soccer.” What are you, European? (Scans ad again.) Oh, right.

Hmm…I’m intrigued, I’m a young lady in my mid-20’s, live in Brooklyn, and unfortunately have to travel to Manhattan to work everyday. Originally from Mass (go Sox!) and just looking to get out and date a bit. I love the following things: politics, coffee, Prospect Park, my cat, and this hat I just bought that I can’t seem to take off.

This is Where You Lost Me: “go Sox!”? Go Sox?! Die single.

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But you don’t need to read entire posts to know who’s harboring less than desirable traits! Like with people on Facebook who post group pics in the hopes that you’ll confuse them with with their hotter friend, there are some dead giveaways as to whose got issues. In my opinion, the three biggest Lose-Mes are the following:

1) ZOMGWTFBBQ I CAN’T BELIEVE HOW EMBARRASSING THIS IS OH MY GOD MICHELLE I’M DOING IT CAN YOU BELIEVE I’M DOING IT!” Or alternatively, “I’m sooooo bored that I had to force myself to write this post about how bored and hot I am.”

2) I’m looking for somebody sarcastic/somebody to trade witty banter/someone who appreciated snark, etc. Seriously, does this not piss everyone off like it pisses me off? First of all, this is Gawker Dating–it’s understood that’s what you want. Second of all, if you have to say it, instead of conveying that you are successful at these things you clearly think you are and also demand from a partner, you’re not. You’re someone who tries really, really hard. If your comment and reply look like this

Tool: I want someone who can banter!

Douchette: I can banter awesomely!

then you are not witty, compatible banterers. (Now these are witty, compatible banterers.) And that’s OK! But learn who you are. People who express total self-awareness via specificity may get fewer responses because they’re casting a tiny net, but I gotta believe that when those people get a nibble, that nibble will turn out to be a really awesome Chilean Sea Bass the likes of who could impress even Eric Ripert with its perfectly fitting shiny scales. Or something.

3) Bieber hair. But only because BeefFajitas totally ruined it for me.

Be here tomorrow for Part III, where we explore who I would send dirty messages to if I were a better liar about my current circumstances!