So this one time I got dumped for Jesus.
Not exactly in a sexy way. Well, I guess it’s possible that this guy was fucking some Latin dude named Jesus, but I find that to be somewhat unlikely—I have totally awesome gaydar! He was cute, funny, and made a shit ton of money. I have never been a very good gold-digger, as I tend to gravitate toward men who think a bed frame is an unnecessary expense and who appear to subsist entirely on ramen noodles and PBR. It did seem, though, that it might be nice for once to not have to be the one buying the Chipotle. Maybe even go to a movie! You know, in a theater! All you really need to know about me can be summed up thusly: I am seduced by the promise of stale popcorn and box springs.
As you might guess, two months later, this gentleman began to perform the Fade Out®. The Fade Out is a trademarked move used primarily by men between the ages of 14 and 60. When employing the Fade Out, the man either slowly reduces the frequency of phone calls, text messages, and Facebook “likes” or, in extreme circumstances, ceases all of these activities immediately until the female on the receiving end does one of three things:
1) Remembers something she maybe once heard about him not being that into her, stops calling, and moves on with her life.
2) Continues to call and text unawares until giving up after one month to several years later and moving on with her life.
3) Becomes increasingly obsessive in correlation to the decreasing frequency of phone calls and text messages, until one night she finds digging through his garbage and peering through his windows, since obviously he must be dead or at the very least stuck under something very heavy because it just DOES NOT MAKE SENSE THAT HE WOULD NOT CALL ME BACK AND OH MY GOD WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME I AM GOING TO DIE ALONE. Sob!
Actually, I lied. There is really only one response that women have to the Fade Out. It’s number 3.
So, dude pulled a Fade Out. I should really not have been surprised by this. This was a man who paid for his Lexus, house and apartment (yes, I’m a whore for popcorn and real estate) working in mergers and acquisitions for a very large healthcare company. One so large, in fact, that it was my healthcare company. Basically, this is the guy who lived solely buy out smaller insurers so that his company could get a bigger market share, driving out competition and doubtlessly contributing directly to exorbitant cost of the $11,000 tonsillectomy that I had soon after we broke up. The one I could have gotten for $20 from a back-alley doctor in Tijuana. I mean, I could have probably done it myself with a pair of scissors, a stapler, and a very large bottle of vodka, but when it comes to my healthcare, I’m all, “Jesus, take the wheel,” you know?
Oh, right, Jesus. So a few weeks after he starts pulling the Fade Out, I gave in and called him (see #3 above). And he answered! My heart fluttered.
And then informed me that he was sorry he hadn’t called. He had been busy at church because he had Found the Lord®. This is a less-used but also trademarked move in which a man claims that Jesus has become his One and Only while in fact he is fucking another redhead. Guy had a thing for gingers, apparently. I know this because I saw it on Facebook, and the Book of Faces never lies.
C’est la vie, I guess. He wasn’t a good, ahem, fit anyway. (Zing!)
I don’t pretend to know why men love this Fade Out technique. I don’t really know a lot about men, despite having three brothers. Like, why do men always need to scratch their balls? What could possibly make them so itchy? Do they have mites or fleas or something? And why do they believe that putting Gold Bond down their boxers is the Best Thing Ever? If I did try to hazard a guess, I would venture that the appeal of the Fade Out probably has something (okay, everything) to do with it being the path of least resistance. You meet a girl, like the girl, sex the girl up, and things are fine but then one night you find her steaming open your mail or drafting Save the Dates two weeks after you met and you figure that perhaps this is not meant to be. Easier than having some kind of talk is just gradually ignoring phone calls and text messages, hoping that the problem will resolve itself.
Men (and women): this is a shitty way to end things. It is also selfish. Okay, sometimes I have done this, too. But that is because I am a selfish person and probably a hypocrite. Be ye not like me.
Now, friends, I do not dare say that this is the worst way to break up with someone. I’m sure you all have been on the receiving end of worse break-up speeches and actions. Even more, I would not be surprised if you all have done some terrible breaking-upping things yourselves. So go ahead, tell me all about it…
