Things to Consider for Next Year’s Grammys

So Sunday night’s Grammys were excruciating! Did the quality of the show equal the length? No! Did the performances meet the overall expectation of mediocre and mostly unmemorable? Yes!  If I could describe the whole show in a sentence I’d probably say…”It was like watching Gwyneth Paltrow sing with Muppets while Cee Lo Green possibly laid a rainbow colored egg in a technicolor Hanna–Barbera turkey costume.” But that really happened!

What were some of the things that we’ve seen before that they should never do again, but probably will?

Get Your Hair Swoops Prepared

By next year Justin Bieber will no longer be a bubble gum sensation; all the purple hoodies and singing in a boyishly girlish falsetto will be dunzo. So who will be the next crooner with a swoop thing on their heads made of rubber cement and owl feathers?

I think it’s safe to say that given the current trajectory of Jaden and Willow Smith’s career of nepotism and genetic privilege…they’ll be the next celebrity spawn to launch a music career fully funded and endorsed by their parents…and the world. I imagine the whole Smith clan will take the stage at next year’s Grammys . Perhaps there will be a light show and a Scientology Colonic given to audience members as they perform. I mean what else could there be when Scientologistic alien people-pods start hypnotizing the world with their lulling lifeforce sounds?  Music?

Gaga Gone Madonna, Egads!

Personally, I’m done with this gimmick princess. Don’t many of us, when watching la Gags, believe it’s still 2009, so the eventual appearance of Gaga in a gilded cage full of human hearts and peanut brittle, makes you sigh just a little, especially when she comes trotting out of an egg incubator ready to shock you…and she sings Madonna’s Express Yourself? Yes, because that’s what Gaga fans need…more access to a time capsule. Fantastic. 2009 becomes 1989. Be prepared, Gagaophiles, because 2010 will be mostly shit, but you don’t know that yet! So yes, I predict more Madonna bastardization from Gaga, and I certainly look forward to the Madge backlash…or frontlash, or vadgelash. I dunno. Whatever the Gaga portends nowadays.

Perhaps Gaga’s next dance single will be called Vacation, because the British interpretation of the same event, uh, Holiday was already taken by, uh, someone.

Katy Perry and Her Boobs Sing-A-Long

Grammys 2012? Well, what to do if the Perry Boobs aren’t on full display? Listen to her music and watch her stomp on stage crashing and sputtering about like a big-eyed sugar-high baby on Gymboree apparatus that’s what! Boobs aside, there could be sparks flying from her torso, candy dripping down her face, or a trapeze with a parasailing Russell Brand who’ll land and tell ten minute jokes about how tight his and Mick Jagger’s pants are! The entire audience will explode into a pop orgasm of cheese and empty calories because that is exactly what hearing a Katy Perry song will do to you…make you bloated and full of obese particles from all of the trans fats that seep into your ear holes and attach themselves to your thighs at the sight and sound of this continuing spectacle.

Basically, I don’t think the Perry and her chest lumps are going anywhere anytime soon.

100% More Old People

Mick Jagger! You couldn’t wait to see him perform and do that duck-lipped chicken strut, or hear the creaking vocals of someone who still thinks they can hit the high notes and gyrate effectively without looking like they’re flinching rhythmically during a prostate exam. And if that wasn’t enough, I know you practically seized with joy while Bob Dylan had a rambling embolism on stage to the tune of various vagabonds playing their corn cob pipes and washboards with spoons.

But, are one, maybe two, walking, singing, and strutting hip replacements satisfactory…well, not if you’re the Grammys! Streisand and a full orchestra just appeared out of nowhere to the quickening of Lea Michele’s cold dead heart, and made us all fall asleep to the nasal inflections of the world’s most companionable lullaby artist. Not sure how they can top that in 2012. Maybe with Rick Springfield, Ozzy Osbourne, and Carol Channing’s stirring rendition of Hello Dolly?

I assume they’re already working this out and the wonderful dichotomy that is the pairing of young stars with octogenarians will be ratcheted up next year. So plan for a bit more Metamucil in your Four Loko.

Hollywood Sings for Your Amusement

Gwyneth Paltrow!  She’s Country Strong….well, if that country is Hollywood and being raised by a famous producer and his actress wife. That’s just like dustbowl Kansas, right? The sterile queen of white-walled living got down and funky Sunday night. Not because it’s the current thing she’s doing to stave off boredom and motherhood. No, not at all. Perhaps this isn’t just a fad. Perhaps getting an Oscar all those years ago just really makes life anticlimactic at this point. It’s not nearly enough to make shrimp tacos, get paid millions of dollars to make us believe that you enjoy country music…no, not at all.  We just really need to see you in stiletto Louboutins singing with Cee Lo and Muppets because there’s a current void in our lives.  Looking forward to Alyssa Milano’s new CD full of fist-pumping club hits to make the rounds at Seaside Heights’ Club Karma next summer.

So there you have it. All the upcoming awesomeness for next year. What do you think? Did I miss anything? What are your predictions?