Oh my god. We really can’t believe that we’re standing up here, talking to all of you people. We’ve worked so hard and we’ve failed so much so that, we’re sorry for tearing up. We really are! It’s just, we’re so happy right now. We mean, obviously we have to thank the Academy for rewarding us with this great achievement that all of the other nominees deserved just as much. Go you! Go you! We’re all winners, even if we’re the ones with the statue. Oh! We’re just a little hot up here (fans selves). This is just so exciting! We came from a small town without the support of anyone but screw you all now! Screw you all! We made it and you’re watching us on television right now! We made it! We made it. (softer) We made it. And it’s all because we believed. We believed in our writers. We believed in our producers. We believed in the little people that make this all happen and, of course, we believed in God because He’s the one that gave us all this talent and He’s the one that’s opened up the doors so that we could share it, not only with everyone in this room, but with everyone in the world. (raises trophy above head) We did it!
Oh my god, guys. We just won a Grammy*. Does anyone want this thing? We tried putting it up on eBay, but no one would match our reserve price of 35 dollars. We know, we know, we’re being selfish, but hey, we deserve to be. We’re award-winners now. Jen-ewe-whine award-winners. Ugh, whatever, we’ll put it on a shelf or something next to our model rockets. Maybe we can build one that can launch the damn thing into space. We don’t look nearly as hot as Beyonce does when dusting them. Anyways, let’s get this over with. It’s Life, Death and Whatever. God, this is so defeating. Couldn’t we have at least gotten a Golden Globe? A People’s Choice? Anything but a Grammy? It’s May 4th and we’re talking Worthless Things™.
The French™ are Worthless Things™. There. It’s out of the way. We’re on our way to reaching the quota. God, we’re so fucking bummed. We mean, yeah, we put on our best Sally Field Rubber Richard Nixon™ mask for the acceptance speech, but that wasn’t really sincere, you know? Let’s get this on with so we can go back to our prescription drug addiction**
LIFE!
(But what’s the point?)
1655: Bartolomeo Cristofori di Francesco: Pianos, man. Worthless piles of ivory and wood, right? No one uses these things anymore anyways. Oh, they do. (sigh). Whatever. Barty Christ of Frangelico was rumored to have been an apprentice for our old friend Nick Amanti, maker of non-Stradivarius violins, but it wasn’t him. Why? Baptismal records don’t match up. He was hired at the age of Christ (that’s 33, people) by Prince Ferdinand of Medici, son of CosmoGirl the Third, to make pretty musical things which is odd because the prince wouldn’t hire an Old who’d never shown inventiveness to invent stuff so people think he was hired as a techie. Anyways, in a room full of noisy, self-important artists, he made the piano. We can play chopsticks which puts us, practically, on the level of Beethoven. Actually, we have a Grammy. He doesn’t. We’re better. Obviously. One of Bart’s piano’s from 1720 is at the Met, but it’s been fixed up, so it’s practically worthless as far as we, the award-winners, are concerned.
- 1970: Will Arnett: We’ve made a huge mistake. I mean, COME ON! We shouldn’t be talking about worthless people on George Oscar Bluth’s birthday! GOB (legal name: Will Arnett) is an awesome comedian married to awesome Amy Poehler with two awesome kids and was born in what LaZiguezon would call the awesome city of Toronto. He appeared in four failed pilots, only one of which, Still Standing, got on a schedule, albeit without his character. Then he appeared in the awesome pilot for awesome American comedy Arrested Development which was awesome until it was unawesomly cancelled for getting an F in the ratings (Mistah F!). Will and Amy (because we’re obviously on a first name basis) have dogs named Suki and Puzzle, which, let’s face it, is an awesome thing to name a dog. He’s also on 30 Rock and had a show cancelled last year. Will, tragically, has not won an award, but he’s been nominated several times and it’s just an honor to be nominated, right?
Steve Holt!Will Arnett!
1970: Will Arnett: We’ve made a huge mistake. I mean, COME ON! We shouldn’t be talking about worthless people on George Oscar Bluth’s birthday! GOB (legal name: Will Arnett) is an awesome comedian married to awesome Amy Poehler with two awesome kids and was born in what LaZiguezon would call the awesome city of Toronto. He appeared in four failed pilots, only one of which, Still Standing, got on a schedule, albeit without his character. Then he appeared in the awesome pilot for awesome American comedy Arrested Development which was awesome until it was unawesomly cancelled for getting an F in the ratings (Mistah F!). Will and Amy (because we’re obviously on a first name basis) have dogs named Suki and Puzzle, which, let’s face it, is an awesome thing to name a dog. He’s also on 30 Rock and had a show cancelled last year. Will, tragically, has not won an award, but he’s been nominated several times and it’s just an honor to be nominated, right?
DEATH!
(Coffee is worthless to the dead. Pass it over this way)
- 1849: Katsushika Hokusai: Father made mirrors. Mother was a prostitute. He had thirty names. He worked in books and learned wood under Shunsho. Name changed to Shunro. Name changed to Sori. Painted a priest with a broom. Name changed to Taito.
- Name changed to Itsu and in the 1820s, he did his best work: Thirty six views of Fuji including The Great Wave Off Kanagawa for which he is most known in the Western World.
- Before we end, we have one more name change. The Old Man Mad About Art.
- His famous last words? ‘Ten more years and then I’ll be a real painter.”
- Here’s another work, but let us tell you this, birds: Haiku is mad hard.
1849: Katsushika Hokusai: Father made mirrors. Mother was a prostitute. He had thirty names. He worked in books and learned wood under Shunsho. Name changed to Shunro. Name changed to Sori. Painted a priest with a broom. Name changed to Taito.
- 1859: Joseph Diaz Gergonne: Haiku is hard, but you know what comes easy to us? Making fun of The French™ and making fun of math. We present to you a French Mathematician! Like all idealist, nationalist twenty year olds, Joey Diaz enlisted in the army. Then he left to chair something called “Transcendental Math” at E-kohl-e Sen-tral-e. Dude, you can’t use the word transcendental. It belongs to Henry David Thoreau and America. Not The French™. Anyways. Joey can be commended for not surrendering when no one would publish his work. He instead, published his own zine for his proofs which became pretty popular. He solved the problem of Appolonius, discovered duality in projective geometry and liked to use the word polar. Polar. polar. pOlar. PoLar. Pallor. Pimento. Peach. Kumquat. Denim. Potato. Polar. polar. POlar. We can sorta get behind this French guy. He looks pretty stylin’.
1859: Joseph Diaz Gergonne: Haiku is hard, but you know what comes easy to us? Making fun of The French™ and making fun of math. We present to you a French Mathematician! Like all idealist, nationalist twenty year olds, Joey Diaz enlisted in the army. Then he left to chair something called “Transcendental Math” at E-kohl-e Sen-tral-e. Dude, you can’t use the word transcendental. It belongs to Henry David Thoreau and America. Not The French™. Anyways. Joey can be commended for not surrendering when no one would publish his work. He instead, published his own zine for his proofs which became pretty popular. He solved the problem of Appolonius, discovered duality in projective geometry and liked to use the word polar. Polar. polar. pOlar. PoLar. Pallor. Pimento. Peach. Kumquat. Denim. Potato. Polar. polar. POlar. We can sorta get behind this French guy. He looks pretty stylin’.
VIOLENCE!
(Only worthless to the losers)
- 1970: Bang! Bang! Shoot em up! Terrible bad guys shoot kids on college campus. NOT COOL. 2,000 people gathered at Kent State to protest President Richard “Tricky Dick” Nixon’s decision to expand the Vietnam War by invading Cambodia. The National Guard tried to disperse the rowdy kids because REALLY! In our day this kind of stuff didn’t happen! Anyways, they used tear gas, but is windy, so that didn’t work, and then at 12:24pm, some asshole named Taylor decided to start shooting at the unarmed intellectuals. Everyone else thought it would be a great idea to shoot unarmed kids too and after 13 seconds, 67 rounds had been shot and 4 people had died.The events were a pivotal point during the war in regards to public approval and led to a student strike of four million students, causing schools across the country to close.***
OTHER NEAT STUFF THAT HAPPENED!
(Some matter, some don’t, but we’re all in this together)
- 1626: Peter Minuit becomes the first Manhattan transplant. Why don’t you go back to the Netherlands, Peter!?
- 1814: Napoleon becomes an Elba transplant. He wishes he could go back to France.
- 1904: Some American kids become Panamanian transplants and start gentrifying the place, building a canal and stuff. Real Panamians wish those hipsters would go back to Baltimore.
- 1910: Canada has a navy? These sailors never become transplants to anywhere else because Canada is too polite to use her ships.
- 1932: Chicago-native Al Capone becomes an Atlanta transplant and he wishes he could go back to Chicago, but he can’t. Hey Al! Stop complainin’. You’ll like it better than Frisco, we promise!
- The Don’t Make a Wave Committee becomes Greenpeace. The old name was cooler, bros. Not sayin’. #justsayin
You’re all special and none of you are worthless. We’re starting to like this Grammy after all. Maybe we’ve got Stockholm Syndrome though. See you Friday, birds. One more thing: Today’s video opener? First recipient of the Grammy for Record of the Year.
*We have not won a Grammy.
**We do not have a prescription drug addiction.
***Please do not read our attempts at comedy as mocking the Kent State shooting. It was a tragic event and under no circumstance are we trying to make fun of anything about it. If anything, we’re making fun of old people who sheepishly follow orders, even when those orders are to shoot peaceful protesters.
