2016 primaries
15 posts
Hillary Rodham Clinton surprised the political world by announcing today that she is running for president in 2016. Her announcement was quietly low key, probably because her decision to run was such a surprising spur-of-the-moment thing, leaving her no time to plan the traditional flag-bedecked rally. Continue reading
Eccentric Canadian citizen Rafael “Ted” Cruz announced he will run for the Presidency of the United States. Cruz, who was born in a foreign country and is as ineligible to hold the office of president as say, Fidel Castro or Mitt Romney’s dad, is much-beloved by as much as 4% of the GOP electorate, and is expected to be a serious contender for the GOP nomination until actual primaries begin and real votes are cast. Cruz, a Canadian, represents Texas, the place he lives now, not Canada, the foreign land of his birth, in the US senate. Continue reading
The 2016 presidential race has claimed it’s first casualty (if you don’t count Paul Ryan, which, of course, I’m not). Willard Jackassticus Lannister Romney, Lord of the Robo-men and professional collector of electoral defeats, erstwhile Lord Protector of the Olympics and governor of a state he will not name, has decided not to compete for Nixon Crown of Double Nomination and seek the 2016 GOP nomination.
On Friday, Romney emerged from the Hall of Audiences in Castle Romney, his mountain fastness hewn from the very living rock high in the Utah Alps. Surrounded by House Romney retainers, with a light snow dusting their aluminum battle armor, Romney addressed a small surprised crowd of freshman journalism majors from Utah Alps Community College who were there filming a documentary no one would watch for a class they all bitterly regretted taking. He mounted the rostrum where the father of his organic components, George Romney, had once announced that he would challenge thrice-damned dark mage Richard Nixon for the 1968 GOP nomination. “My friends!” he shouted, though truthfully, no one there was his friend. “I shall not be your president!” he cried, as though everyone had not already known this for several years. Continue reading
Sure, the corpses of the fallen in the 2014 election are scarce cold in their political graves, but hey, the Iowa caucuses are a mere 53 weeks away. 2016 is coming! On the Democratic side, it’s still not clear which obscure weirdo Hillary Clinton will blow her prohibitive lead to, but the Republican side is shaping up to be quite the busy clown orgy. Let’s gaze in dismay at this gabbling horror of potential GOP 2016 candidates! Continue reading