HonkIfYouLikeCookies

9 posts
Your typical "I like animals more than humans" kind of person.

Watch and Learn: Canadian Heritage Minutes

In 1991, the CBC and CTV began airing sixty second short films during commercial breaks and movie previews about inspiring and important moments in Canadian history called Heritage Minutes. Over time, these melodramatic commercials became so entrenched in Canadian culture that parodies sprung up (as seen below) and inside jokes ensued among Canadians, such as referencing “burnt toast.” Here are just a few minutes from a series that has expanded to more than 125 commercials: Continue reading

Reason 488,394,568 Why Animals Should Not Perform In Circuses

Caution: This tale is morbid and not for the faint at heart. Read at your own discretion.

The use of animals in public performances, whether it be at Sea World or a Circus, is a taboo subject. I have no qualms with saying I’m against it, outright. The stories of abused and neglected animals in these situations are a plenty, but the following tale of Mary the elephant is far more morbid than anything I’ve ever read. I’ve cautioned you once about the content of this article, and I’ll do it one more time: this is not a story with a happy ending; it is one of disgusting injustice. Continue reading

How to Avoid Being Killed by a Hippo

This is NOT a man and a hippo doing a reenactment of a cartoon chase. It's an experienced park ranger, who narrowly avoided getting killed by the hippo by sprinting over a hundred yards.

Hippopotamuses are adorably pudgy, strict herbivores and kill more humans than any other African animal.  You cannot outrun them; they’ve been clocked at 30-40km/h (19-25mph). You cannot outswim them; on average, hippos can swim 8 km/h (5 mph). And, you certainly cannot fend them off; the average weight of an adult female is 2,900–3,300 lbs., a male 3,300–4,000 lbs., and older males can reach 7,100—9,900 lbs. (Eltringham, 1999).  Yo hippo’s SO FAT not even Dora could explore her. Need I mention that the bite force of an adult female hippo is 1,821 lbsf (Barr, 2008)?  Continue reading

The Taming of the Parakeet

Last week, I commented in the open thread about a cheeky little Green-cheeked Parakeet for sale at my work. I’ve nick named him George because of his incessant curiosity (if you don’t who Curious George is that means you are really young and must get off my lawn immediately).  Before jumping in to his latest progress, I’ll provide a bit of background:

Green-cheeked Parakeets (or Conures) are commonly known as companion birds. They live just as long as a larger parrot (up to 25 years), but are smaller in size and much, MUCH less noisy. As a result of their quiet nature and soft voices, they cannot learn many words, but it is possible. Often described as the “little bird with big personality,” Green-Cheeked Parakeets are playful, intelligent, curious, and incredibly affectionate. Continue reading

The Animal Kinkdom: Homosexuality

Sex.  Kinky sex.  And lots of it.  Sometimes for days, sometimes for weeks.  Heterosexuals, homosexuals, asexuals, transgendered, transvestites, and transsexuals.  Incest, necrophilia, and hermaphrodite orgies.  It seems, the only sexual deviants in the animal world are monogamists.  Who knew?  (Certainly not Cole Porter.)

Not too long ago, it was believed that, like humans, animals stuck to the old maxims of the birds and the bees, male and female. Boy, was that wrong!  Homosexuality is rampant among animals such as male giraffes and lions.  Female apes use tools to masturbate.  Even sea snails join in the bestial fun with train-like orgies that can last for days. But, rest assure, “no matter how bizarre the behavior, there’s probably a reason to it”1.  This begs the question, what is the purpose of sex if not for procreation?  I plan to answer this and more in a series entitled: The Animal Kinkdom.

 

The Animal Kinkdom: Homosexuality

There are over 1500 species that engage in homosexual activity 3.  It doesn’t matter where in the world, or what animal group, chances are it’s happening.  More interestingly, it is met with little hostility and is in fact a common behavior among animals of status.  If that doesn’t surprise you, let’s take a look at some specific examples of male homosexuality before penetrating a possible reason.

Male Giraffes are often caught canoodling across Africa in an overt sexual act dubbed “neck rubbing”1.

 

In the absence of females, the kings of the animal world affectionately kiss, hug, and caress their brothers. Sex is less frequent, but happens (perhaps after a lazy afternoon of eating fermented marula fruit)! Even Cheetahs form their own “members only” brotherhoods complete with benefits.

Does this seem somewhat standard so far?  You must be wondering how exactly this is considered “kinky.” Well, it’s not. Not until now. Monkeys and apes take the kinky cake in this article. Hold on to your loins, this ride is about to get freaky.

 

 

Let’s begin with the ever inventive male Orangutang.  These resourceful little fellows have a wincing trick up their sleeve – they can retract their penis, turning it into a penetrable cavity1.  Yes, that’s what I said, a retractable penis.  With opposable thumbs and fingers, playtime becomes sexy-time in no-time.

 

 

 

Anal sex, anyone?  Though it is a less frequent behavior, there are a couple species who’ve “mastered the fine art of the back door”1.  Normal social behavior such as grooming between Macaques quickly turns sexual often followed by anal penetration.  The aptly named Big Horned Sheep also participates in backdoor dalliances, on rocky terrain no less!

“What about the birds?” asks a shocked Cole Porter. “There are male ostriches that only court their own gender, and pairs of male flamingos that mate, build nests, and even raise foster chicks.” 3

Last, but certainly not least, is a dear friend of ours: Bed Bugs.

Male bed bugs (Cimex lectularius) are sexually attracted to any newly fed individual and this results in homosexual mounting. This occurs in heterosexual mounting by the traumatic insemination in which the male pierces the female abdomen with his needle- like penis. In homosexual mating this risks abdominal injuries as males lack the female counteradaptive spermalege structure. Males produce alarm pheromones to reduce such homosexual matings. 3

Yikes.

Now let’s visit the question of “why?”  What is the purpose of homosexual behavior if it doesn’t lead to procreation?  So far, there is no definitive explanation.  At first thought, it seems to oppose the evolutionary imperative of continuing one’s genetic legacy.  However, with deeper thought, that may not be the case. Speculation suggests it’s preparation and practice for the actual act of mating, which makes sense as females choose the best male with which to mate – a male skilled in impregnation will have higher odds of furthering their lineage.  Further, as the act of sex leaves most animals vulnerable to attack, the more efficient the better.  Other, more wild speculation, is that it helps regulate the population by providing a sexual release, or act as an outlet for those without partners. I guess this means the old adage is true: practice does make perfect!

In any case, homosexuality is rampant in the animal world; however, this isn’t the only sexual behavior that’s not reproductive. Next up on Animal Kinkdom: Masturbation.

Interested in seeing the full list of animals? Look here.

 

Sources:

1. Wild Sex. (Documentary) National Geographic. 2005.

2. List of animals displaying homosexual behavior. (2011, February 25). In Wikipedia, The Free Encyclopedia. Retrieved 19:21, March 6, 2011, fromhttp://en.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?title=List_of_animals_displaying_homosexual_behavior&oldid=415920139

3. Homosexual Activity Among Animals Stirs Debate. Owen, James. National Geographic News. (http://news.nationalgeographic.com/news/2004/07/0722_040722_gayanimal.html)

 

Pirates and Bad Break-Ups

As Valentine’s Day looms, I thought a post sharing bad break-up stories was in order. Please feel free to reply with your own horror stories, though, I’m fresh out of lamps to giveaway. Here is my story:

A few years ago, I dated a British gal who attended a local culinary school. We were introduced through a mutual friend and sparks were flew within a matter of minutes as we bantered and flirted. I could tell she was a hot commodity in the scene as during our conversation multiple girls interrupted us and shot me dirty looks (the lesbian community is small around here, so everyone knows each other and knows who’s fresh meat).

After a few weeks of dates, I noticed she was the kind of girl who liked to be chased and play games. I am not the type to do either. Furthermore, I had recently broken up with someone whom I loved dearly, so my attention was split – this did not please the Brit. She began to test me, which I never respond well too; actually, I usually don’t respond at all. This is when things took a turn for the worse.

To understand “the break up,” you should know we had an inside joke about Peter Pan –  one day, she asked me to draw her a picture, so I drew her as Peter Pan as that was her favourite book as a child.

Now for the good stuff: One night we were joking around (or so I thought) via text messaging…

Cookies: How’s Peter Pan doing today? 🙂

Brit: Just hanging out with the lost boys [her friends].

Cookies: If you and your friends are the lost boys, what does that make me?

Brit: A pirate with no soul!

Cookies: Argh! What if this pirate were to become an ex-pat and join the lost boys? I want my soul back!

Brit: The lost boys don’t feel good about us hanging out. They think you have a lot to make up for and don’t think pirates can change.

Cookies: Um, are you being serious?

Brit: Yes.

Cookies: So, you’re telling me we shouldn’t hang out anymore?

Brit: I think it’s for the best. Pirates with no souls and Lost Boys don’t mix.

Oh, and that’s not all, we had swapped ipods to listen to each other’s music and when I got mine back she had completely wiped it clean. Then she slept with 3 of my friends.

Need I remind you that we were both 24 at the time? Or, at least, I was.

Now’s your turn to share a break-up story! Don’t make this pirate suffer alone.