I propose that they just make a movie called Reboot, which discusses the process of rebooting a movie. You know, how they decide which marginally successful 1980’s movie hasn’t been touched by the hand of Michael Bay or Brett Ratner (who’s producing this year’s Oscars by the way. We have been forsaken.) and then how they sell its earning potential to a studio. Can’t you just imagine the Weekend at Bernie’s pitch meeting, or the discussion of Killer Klowns from Outer Space over sushi? I’m not really sure how these things happen. Maybe it’s more like spinning a Price Is Right Wheel, but somehow these ideas make it to the big screen mostly to our utter confusion and despair.
Let’s take a look at what Hollywood has on tap for the coming future.
Say Anything Again
Director Cameron Crowe says in an interview that Say Anything is the only thing he’s written that he would consider making a sequel to. Well, that’s just kind of amazing. He also says that he’s spoken to spoiled brat, John Cusack, who only acknowledges Say Anything as his first movie while publicly shunning fan favorites like Better Off Dead and One Crazy Summer. Apparently Cusack didn’t have a self-absorbed neurotic fit when he and Crowe discussed the potential for a Say Anything sequel. Crowe says there may be another chapter at some point, and that he’ll keep it in mind. So, do we really want or need to know what happens to Lloyd Dobler and Diane Court? Well, maybe. Could this perhaps spur a new trend of eighties high school comedy sequels? Could we find out what happens after Jake Ryan and Samantha Baker share that sweet sixteen kiss? Possibly! Someone find me a recent picture of Michael Schoeffling (Jake!) for my wall.
Robert Rodriguez Wants to Give You a Sinful Heavy Metal Machete
Rodriguez has looked into the remake bag and discovered that Heavy Metal, you know that punk rock musical animated feature, yes that, needs to be made again. Okay, I guess. Legions of Comic Con fanboys probably just squeeed and said something rapturous about Robert Rodriguez. My response is something like Meh. Call me when they remake Labyrinth. I still have no idea what that movie is about short of David Bowie looking like a hair band refugee. Anyway, Rodriguez will also make a sequel to Sin City which is okay, I guess. But are we really still impressed with that style anymore? It seems just so very five years ago when people were mildly attracted to Jessica Alba, Mickey Rourke was still an enigma, and Clive Owen existed. I’m pretty sure we can live without it, but you know, whatever. He’s also determined that enough people saw Lindsay Lohan in Machete so that means there should be a sequel, one with a complicated title like, Machete Kills. Thanks.
Voltron Takes a Bite Out of Your Childhood
It’s been rumored for about a year that a potential Voltron movie could happen…well now there’s confirmation that Relativity Media has picked up the rights, because this makes all the sense in the world. Relativity Media has churned out such films as Let Me In, Season of the Witch, Limitless and Judy Moody and the Not Bummer Summer…not exactly the most Sci-Fi action movie friendly titles. Well, if you don’t count whatever they did to Nick Cage’s hair in Season of the Witch. Yes, yes, I know some of you are excited about the thought of a Voltron movie, but before you start hoarding action figures, remember the law of Michael Bay…”There is always someone out there prepared to take a massive dump on your childhood joys by making a terrible robot film.” Please remember this always. Reserve your excitement until a writer and director are chosen.
Stop Ignoring Boba Fett!
Director of Captain America: The First Avenger, Joe Johnston, has one plea for former boss and mentor, George Lucas, “Make a feature film based on Boba Fett!” Well, okay, nifty! Well, maybe. I don’t know. Is Boba Fett like the snubbed Susan Lucci of the science fiction world? Is he really more badass than Han Solo and everyone just doesn’t know it? Anything is possible, I suppose. I think we could muster a good few questions for Boba Fett like, “What’s it like to have rockets affixed to your back?” or “Why does your voice sound like gravel?” “Do you have a dart target in your room that features Harrison Ford?” These are all valid questions. Now the really interesting thing about this is what Lucas’ response could be. Is it possible that Lucas is tired of the death-hold he has on the entire Star Wars universe, and could see himself relinquishing some control to a better director? Is it time, George? Many of us would like it to be. We’ve seen what you can do left to your own devices, and we have three words for you sir, Jar. Jar. Binx. So, yeah, maybe it’s time for some new stories, some new movies, and a new director. Just think it over.
I know, Juno, an Evil Dead Remake!!
Diablo Cody, writer of teen pregnancy subliminal message (Honest to Blog!) movie Juno, has been tapped to revise the Evil Dead script remake. Ok. What? BWWWWAAAHHHAAAAA! No, seriously, guys. That’s not funny. Spirit is wiping her eyes and grabbing her belly from all the laugh tourettes. Wait, you guys are serious. Wow. This is just, um, um, that’s really awful! Yes, sure Evil Dead had charisma, and a bit of winking fun. Bruce Campbell was a jokey kind of God in these movies. How in the world will “You have a food baby” really be able to make this the kind of movie that won’t make us all want to barf? Oh, God! I just remembered she wrote Jennifer’s Body starring Megan “I’m too sexy for my career” Fox! That movie was like a visual brain aneurysm! Ok, guys. I’m officially saying it. Evil Dead: The Remake will officially suck. Go out and buy the original DVD so you can remain untainted.
Johnny Five saw Wall-E and Has Some Thoughts
Well, it’s about time somebody started remaking Steve Guttenberg movies. Amirite or Amirite? The Goot is just highly underrated. And to start with Short Circuit is nothing short of genius. Well, just seriously. And you have to know Johnny Five, sitting in the shed of some special effects guy, heard all those rumblings and exclamations about how wonderful that little jerk Wall-E was. Can you just imagine the amount of side eye he was giving our friend when all the marketing came out about this human-friendly robot who tries to save the world, despite being clumsy, a bit daft, but generally lovable?! Johnny probably had a nervous break down. I’m thinking Ally Sheedy even stopped taking his calls, and well Guttenberg is just so busy. He was recently seen in a movie called Duckwalls (I’m not making this up. For real. Check IMDB.) So Short Circuit gets another day in the sun. Tim Hill director of Hop and Fox’s Alvin and the Chipmunks will be at the helm, with possibly Steve Carr, writer of Paul Blart: Mall Cop to pen the script. Uh, Johnny…yeah, you may want to take a few more meetings.
Why Theatrical Releases Aren’t Film School Projects
You know what I’m sick of? Movie studios making a movie and then when everyone says that the movie is crap deciding to either reboot it or do a sequel/not totally sequel-second movie to try and impress upon viewers that, “Oh, wait! We know that last thing we did with this movie and these actors sucked alligator balls, but you just have to see what we’ve done now. It’s like 50% better we swear it! Trust us!” No, gorramit! You had your chance to sell me, and it didn’t work. Sorry your franchise plans are ruined. You asked me to take a huge bite out of your shit sandwich, we did…decided that it was a shit sandwich and now you’d like us to take another. The latest potential offender…the president of Warner Bros. studios, Jeff Robinov, and his thoughts on how to improve Green Lantern in a sequel.
“We had a decent opening so we learned there is an audience. To go forward we need to make it a little edgier and darker with more emphasis on action…And we have to find a way to balance the time the movie spends in space versus on Earth.”
Yeah, no. That’s not why this thing sucked. It sucked because it looked like a cartoon and had big purple people eaters in it, and also because who cares about this green dude and his magic ring and his stupid CGI super green wonder suit? But if you’re going to do it, shouldn’t you really try to have the writing not be so epically infantile? And this is why theatrical releases shouldn’t be film school projects. All these kinks we just discussed, yeah including your “edgy” and “darker” ideas, should have been worked out way before filming.
Best Reboot Idea (If you had to choose) of the Week:
As you guys know, I usually despise reboots…but every once in awhile there are exceptions and I’m thinking this may be one of them. A National Lampoon’s Vacation reboot/sequel told from Rusty’s point of view. Rusty is all grown up and taking over for his father. David Dobkin, director of Wedding Crashers, is producing and he’s praising the script as “insanely funny” written by Horrible Bosses writers, Goldstein and Daly. There may or may not be a type of “Wally World” incident, and they’re also keeping mum on whether Chevy Chase will appear. (C’mon how could he not?) One thing is clear though, Dobkin has enormous respect for the original and says that the comedy still holds up, so it doesn’t look like he wants to reinvent the wheel here, just perhaps add a few extra spokes.
- Nicki Minaj finds something else useful to do with her uh…voice. She’ll voice a character in Ice Age 4
- Laurence Fishburne takes the blue pill and enters a new reality as Daily Planet editor-in-chief Perry White in the Man of Steel movie
- Reese Witherspoon probably gets a pony as the lead in Disney’s Wish List about a woman who’s childhood wishes all come true
- De Niro and Bradley Cooper, limitless forever, may team up again for The Silver Linings Playbook
- Leonardo DiCaprio still dreaming about movies, eyes the lead in The Creed of Violence
- Harrison Ford continues his cowboy mission by playing Wyatt Earp in Black Hats
- Kevin Bacon, effervescent pork product, joins R.I.P.D as villain to a Ryan Reynolds/Jeff Bridges duo
- Nick Cage’s hair and Nicole Kidman’s nose will star in Trespass
- Nick Cage’s incredulity and John Cusack’s paranoia in talks to star in The Frozen Ground
- Seth Rogan and Zac Effron, a before and after pic if I ever saw one, team up for an untitled Frat Comedy
- Shia “No, no, no” LaBeouf joins forever leathery Robert Redford’s Company
- Ed Norton will get his espionage on in The Bourne Legacy
- Chris Pine AKA Captain Kirk in talks to get mechanical as the new Robocop