Let’s face it, this is the time of the year that everyone feels the need to look festive, even if they’re actually wearing their cranky pants and bitching about the economy/weather/kids these days, etc.
However, in the quest to appear festive, many don’t actually put a lot of thought into what they put in their yards and houses during the holiday season – just so they have something to point to and say, “Look how festive I am! Look at my festive f**king house!!” Continue reading
There is still plenty of time to order gifts for all your loved ones and people you’re obligated to get gifts for even though you don’t love them. To help you pick the very best gifts we have hand picked these items from all price ranges that are sure to impress. Click the image on any of the gifts to buy it on Amazon. Continue reading
Oh hi there! Are you stressed out? Got a lot on your plate? Have so much to think about that you couldn’t possibly add anything else into the mix? Too bad, because Chanukah and Christmas are in less than three weeks! Gift-buying stress and impending family gatherings for everybody!
Fortunately, there’s at least one very, very good part about those two holidays, because really, who doesn’t like free stuff? And so, to get us in the gift-receiving spirit, today’s Question of the Day: What’s the best gift you received in 2011? Continue reading
If you’re anything like me, you probably like Christmas music, but are sick of hearing the same verse of “Jingle Bells” done over and over again, as well as the latest group of teen boys singing “Deck the Halls” or mangling the words to the “Twelve Days of Christmas.” Well, I’m here to help you out. You see, there have been centuries of beautiful Christmas music that no one sings anymore. Maybe not no one, but these treasures tend to remain hidden until someone like Enya dusts them off for her next Christmas album, or some random pop “star” does really shitty renditions of them. Continue reading
While Newsbunny has been locked in a room, watching The Grinch Who Stole Christmas, 24/7 until her heart grows two sizes larger, I will counter her list of the worst Christmas songs with the best of Christmas cheer. Continue reading
Google really knows how to make people like them and shill their products at the same time. They have setup a Google Voice line just for Santa so you can have him call someone and leave a message. I’m sure it’s aimed at convincing kids Santa really does exist but I have a suspicion that about 90% of these calls will be directed at adults and be slightly naughty, though this is tough to accomplish.
The basic idea is that you enter your name, the recipient’s name and then select various messages to include. I sent one to the wife and she chuckled.
Since having only one Santa related product tie in isn’t enough for a company of their size, Google has also entered the highly lucrative Santa tracking game.
More info at the Google Voice Blog.
I’m going to go out on a limb here and guess you’re feeling pretty stressed out. You’re probably reading this and tracking some motherfucking holiday packages via UPS in another tab, drinking some cold-ass coffee, and hating life right now.
‘I hate the holidays’, you’ll tell your coworkers over some stale, store-bought cookies in the break room. You’ll probably spend some time fantasizing about missing your flight home and instead spending the weekend toward the bottom of a bottle of middle-shelf gin and watching Die Hard, wrapped in last year’s unfortunate Snuggie. I get it, man. I do.
But let me tell you something. The holidays? They’re fucking AWESOME. And you need to pull your head out of your ass and look around, because you’re missing out. Here’s why:
Lights and decorations and shit. Have you looked at these things lately? Not from the top of a rickety ladder you borrowed from the in-laws, clutching a staple gun and freezing your ass off. Go pile your annoying kids in the car, drive through the fucking Tim Horton’s and get yourself a peppermint hot cocoa, and drive through some big-ass festive neighborhoods. Appreciate the work that went into that shit. I don’t care if you have to pretend it’s Laser Floyd, take a minute and really look around. Your kids will probably like this, too.
Christmas carols. Bing Crosby is the man. I don’t care who you are, his rendition of White Christmas will have you shitting candy canes. Almost every version of Carol of the Bells is fucking metal, even sung by the Mormon Tabernacle Choir. And don’t even get me started on Vince Guaraldi’s A Charlie Brown Christmas soundtrack. All that tree needed was a little love! Shit.
Presents. No, you greedy asshole – buying other people presents. Thoughtful presents. Sure, it’s great getting that brand-new fancy Betamax player or a swell pair of tropical-printed Jams, but the look on a kid’s face when they open up the lead-encrusted plastic cartoon gewgaw they so desperately coveted? Oh, it’ll melt your damn heart. Yes, even yours. Put down the clearance travel mug and try harder. Do it for love. Or, do it to one-up cocky old Aunt Maureen. I don’t care, but they will.
It’s a Wonderful Life. Hope you’ve got a full box of tissues, loser! This one never fails. Zuzu’s petals! Shit, I’m tearing up. I’m ok, I’m ok.
Hot motherfucking cocoa. I’m drinking one now, bitches, and it’s good.
Remember, if you’ve given this whole thing an honest try and you’re still grinchier than a Gosselin on a camping trip, there’s always New Year’s Eve. Take two Xanax, two bottles of champagne, one regrettable hookup, and a walk of shame, and call me in the morning.
There’s always next year.
While reading Gawker’s “10 Most Annoying Christmas Songs,” I found myself disagreeing with some of the selections. Egged on by a friend, I’ve decided to put together a list of some of my favorite Winter/Holiday songs. I fully expect, and actually welcome, people who disagree with my selections.
Christmas is the most wonderful and incredibly fucking stressful time of the year. To ease the stress a little, I’ve put together this recipe guide to help all of you with ideas on what to bring to your various holiday fetes.
You’re bringing breakfast:
These cranberry muffins are a holiday tradition in the epuff family. I like using mini-muffin trays for them. They do require some forethought as you have to soak the cranberries overnight but otherwise are very simple to make. If you want to be super prepared, you can bake the muffins and then freeze them. Recipe below:
Cranberry Muffins
1 Cup raw cranberries, chopped
¾ Cup sugar, divided
2 Cups flour
¾ tsp baking soda
¼ tsp salt
1 egg, beaten
¾ Cup buttermilk
¼ Cup shortening, melted
In a small glass bowl, let cranberries stand overnight in ½ C. sugar. In large bowl, sift together remaining ¼ C. sugar, flour, soda and salt. Stir in egg, buttermilk and shortening all at once until moistened (Do not stir for too long). Stir in cranberries. Fill greased muffin pans 2/3 full. Bake in preheated 400 degree oven 20 minutes. Makes 18 full sized muffins.
You’re bringing a side:
I always try to be unique with sides since it’s so easy to fall into a trap with boring sides. I also try to add some color to holiday meals. Below, you’ll find my recipe for a yellow rice pilaf with carrots, celery, green onion, Craisins, and pecans:
1/2 C. diced green onion
1/2 C diced celery
1/2 C. diced carrot (matchsticks are good)
salt
pepper
curry
garlic powder
(about 1/2 tsp each)
1 C. rice
Chicken or vegetable broth or water
Saute onion, celery, and carrot in small amount of olive oil for 5 minutes or so. Add seasonings and cook for a few more minutes. Add rice and saute for 2 minutes, stirring to coat rice kernels. Add broth and/or water to 1/4 inch above rice (I use part chicken broth and 1 part water). Cover and cook until rice is tender (about 20 minutes). Add more liquid if necessary.
Stir in:
1/2 C. diced green onion
1/2 C. craisins
1/2 C. broken pecan halves
If you want to bring vegetables but steer away from casseroles, one of my favorite things to do is sauté broccoli, red pepper, red onion, and carrots in a little bit of olive oil with lemon juice, thyme, salt, and pepper.
You’re bringing the dressing/stuffing:
May I recommend a bread stuffing made from scratch?
1 qt. bread crumbs (about ½ loaf white bread)
1 qt. cornbread (make up 1 box Jiffy muffin mix)
1 Qt. biscuits (about 8 biscuits – I use the small dinner rolls that come in a tube)
1 C. chopped onion (w/about ¼ C. chopped green onion)
1 C. chopped celery
½ C. chopped parsley
1 ½ tsp. sage
¼ tsp. pepper
2-4 C. chicken broth
½ C. melted butter
2 eggs, slightly beaten
In a large bowl, tear ½ loaf white bread, cooked corn muffins/cornbread, and 8 biscuits into small pieces.
Saute onion, celery in butter. Combine all except butter, eggs, broth. Add butter & eggs, then enough broth to make extra moist. Bake at 350 for about 45 mins.
You’re bringing a main:
Buy a Butterball turkey or Honeybaked ham. Seriously, this shit is a pain in the ass. Don’t even bother. Unless you’re a vegetarian, in which case, I have an excellent spinach lasagna recipe you can ask me about in the comments.
You’re bringing dessert:
My all time favorite holiday dessert is a home baked apple pie. This recipe is from my childhood best friend’s mom, who was a pastry chef so totally knows her shit better than me:
Pie crust for top and bottom
5-6 medium apples, peeled and sliced VERY thin (I use Pink Ladies or Galas)
Juice of ½ lemon
2 tsp vanilla
1/3 Cup flour
1/8 tsp nutmeg
½ tsp cloves
1 TBSP cinnamon
¾ Cup sugar
2 TBSP butter
Mix together apples, lemon juice and vanilla. Mix dry ingredients and add to apple mix. Pour into prepared pie crust in pan. Dot top with 2 TBSP butter, sliced. Cover with top crust, crimping sides together. Pierce top crust several times. Brush top crust with melted butter and sprinkle with cinnamon and sugar.
Bake at 425 for 15 minutes, then reduce heat to 350 and bake another 45 minutes to 1 hour. Serve with Blue Bell Homemade Vanilla Ice Cream (this is my Texas bias coming through).
I hope this recipe guide helps some of you get through cooking block!