Let’s face it, this is the time of the year that everyone feels the need to look festive, even if they’re actually wearing their cranky pants and bitching about the economy/weather/kids these days, etc.
However, in the quest to appear festive, many don’t actually put a lot of thought into what they put in their yards and houses during the holiday season – just so they have something to point to and say, “Look how festive I am! Look at my festive f**king house!!”
That’s why I’m here, just get you to take a step back and look at your holiday decorations, and just like those orange velour pants you bought back in the 80’s, get you to possibly think about doing away with them.
1. Don’t:
Have your kids make those ugly-ass cloves-shoved-into-an-orange-and-wrapped-with-ribbon “ornaments.” Seriously, they’re ugly, cloves smell terrible, and, um, oranges rot. Ever see a fruit fly Christmas tree? You will if you put these monstrosities on it. Seriously, it looks like it needs a shave and is just waiting to grow something furry.
Here, have a stubbly orange.
Do: If you still feel the need to put food products on your tree, take a page out of your childhood and update the whole popcorn-on-a-string idea to putting some unbuttered popcorn into a clear ornament and hanging a few around the tree. These clear ornaments are at basically any craft store at this point, and if you don’t have popcorn in your house already, you really need to remedy that situation.
In-picture commentary not mine. I want a popcorn ball now though.
2. Don’t: Get Poinsettias. Seriously, just stop it. They’re like dandelions – they’re everywhere, they’re ugly, and I am henceforth no longer calling them Poinsettias, as their name is now Christmas Weeds. This is a national epidemic that must be stopped. The masses must rise up and say, “No more Christmas Weeds,”,and I am willing to take the torch on this one and lead the revolution.
GRAHHHHH
Do: Plan a little bit ahead and put a few of these beauties around your house.
Ahhhh, that’s better.
Amaryllis. They’re pretty, they’re simple, and can bloom year after year, unlike the Christmas Weeds that just die while their carcasses are dumped in a mulch pile and their nasty plastic pots are sent to a landfill.
3. Don’t: Use those plastic lawn ornaments that were on your parent’s lawn since you were a wee lad or lass In fact, don’t use any you bought within the last decade, and if they still sell these frightening things, just don’t buy them. They didn’t look good when they were purchased from Sears in 1981, and they look even worse now.
Do you see how there’s one light bulb that only illuminates the center of the “decoration”? When you drive past these in someone’s yard in the dark, they just look like headless glowing torsos. Merry Christmas kids, have some horror with your presents!
The same thing goes for inflatable lawn ornaments. There have been a few over the years I thought were kind of cute – the snowglobe, for example, but I’ve decided most of society has committed enough lawn abuse with these monstrosities that they just need to be outlawed altogether. Besides, what happens when they get a hole in them and Santa’s arm won’t inflate or something?
He’s bigger than your front door! It’s like the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man has assembled an army!
Do: Either keep it simple with lights and luminaries, or if you find it absolutely necessary to have lifelike beings in your yard, get creative about it, or just go simple without a crapload of blinking lights and plastic flotsam.
Isn’t Snoopy cute? And you can see all of him!
4. Don’t: Make a cactus tree. This one is simple folks – if you’re going to put lights on the tree currently residing in your yard, at least make it look like you made some sort of half-assed attempt to actually put the lights on the tree. Don’t just wrap them around the trunk and call it a day. Essentially, this tree has pants, but no shirt.
The only reason anything should look like this is if it’s actually a cactus.
Do: Well, give a rat’s ass. There are lots of pretty light options for your house. You don’t have to put lights up just to say, “Hey, it’s a tree! We have it decorated!” because at that point we know you’re out of ideas and have an extra string or three of lights you’re not using and want to get them out of your hallway. It’s OK, those lights can go back into their storage container until next year, no one will judge you for it.
If this guy can do it, you probably can too. If not, just let it go.
5. Don’t: Fortunately, these were popular* a few years ago, but don’t seem to be so much now. However, this is possibly one of the most taste-offensive decorations ever to exist; Upside-down Christmas trees.
This represents a level of insanity that has yet to be diagnosed, categorized, or even conceived of. Why the hell do you want a tree that stands on it’s head?
Go directly to Christmas jail. Do not pass Go, do not collect $100.
In fact, you know what they remind me of?
Merry Terrifying Christmas, everyone!
Yeah, don’t do this.
Do: I cannot stress this enough, people. If you want to get creative with a tree and a traditional tree-colored tree isn’t cutting it for you, get one of those white artificial ones and make it as gloriously tacky as possible, or put a ficus in your living room and decorate it with popcorn ornaments (see what I did there?). You can even stack inanimate objects to appear tree-like. Just make sure it at the very least emulates the image of a tree, or plant, or something that actually exists in nature.
For example:
Perhaps use magazines for the bendy parts.
Perfection if you have no pets, kids, or flammable objects nearby.
Might as well go full materialism.
So happy holidays everyone! Enjoy your neighbors’ decor and don’t make a tree out of liquor bottles unless you’ve already drank what comes in them.
