Oh, holy mercy. Just what is a summer blockbuster? Is it something where random people, who should really be working at a water park in Cleveland, have found their way into a movie about make believe ninjas and pseudo-military soldier replicants, marching their way across a movie screen, and mouth-crapping their way through lines that may be scrawled across the palm of their hands in two word syllables? Yes, this is exactly what a summer blockbuster is if you ask G.I. Joe: Retaliation.
In an interesting turn of events, no, not really, Channing meatloaf mandibles, is no longer the lead actor in this thing. Remember a couple of years ago when they stuffed Channing’s thrusting, thigh Gibraltar into a robot suit, let him grind his jaw, gave him some form of English to speak, smacked his ample ass, and told him to go make a “Helluva Good Toy Movie!” Well, that didn’t work. The toy movie stunk like a bag full of fish in an old shoe. So, in order to correct the mistake they’ve hired Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson to strap on a chest of gun nipples and fix this franchise! Meanwhile, Channing is relegated to jumping off a plane and saying some form of garbled, throat mash like, “Security’s in my pants! or Security’s early to my gun show! Security is spelled with a P, right?!”
So, uh, yeah. Things blow up. There’s a fight on a mountain led by Cirque du Soleil. “The Rock” lives in the sea. The White House gets new Cobra drapes. One liner, one liner, explosion, sword slice, girl in a red dress. Bruce Willis shows up for some oatmeal. The end.
Whatever. Summer, 2012.
