This may or may not become an ongoing series, depending on what info I can get away with posting about showbusiness without blowing my anonymity or getting in hot water with industry types. I figured I’d start out with something quite tame: the great Bette Davis discussing the biz with Dick Cavett.
After the recent incidents with Spider-Man on Broadway with actors getting flung about like so many water balloons at a sugar jonesing 4-year-old’s birthday party, I do agree with Ms. Davis’ assertion that it is important for actors to be very firm in stating what they will or won’t do, otherwise producers will absolutely take advantage of you. I understand all too well the burning desire to land roles – any roles – but at some point you remember your dignity and begin to fear for your sanity and safety, and realize that it’s not worth sacrificing anything for what is sometimes only dubiously called “art.”
And isn’t the internet magical? Ms. Davis talks about late-night television giving her a second wave in her career. Now clips like this live online for as long as there is server space to keep the tide rolling.
If you were unfamiliar with Groupon, you certainly got a weird introduction to it last night with the “Tibet” commercial. That ad was stunningly bizarre. However, if you have ever sat down and read a Groupon ad, last night’s commercial was not a surprise.
We talked about these ads in Crosstalk and I did a post way back. I was just re-reading it and thought I’d post it because it shows the truly bizarre advertising ideas that Groupon uses.
(This post is from September 2010) Have you subscribed to Groupon, the online coupon group? You sign up and they email offers to you. The deals are pretty good. I got a great deal on carpet cleaning through Groupon. However, if you stop and read the text, it contains some of the strangest writing I’ve ever seen.
Here’s the first one that caught my notice. It’s a Denver area Groupon. It contains an odd analogy:
A marriage between two cuisines is preferable to a marriage between two clones of Sylvester Stallone, a process that eventually results in a baby reared on raw egg and meat punching bags.
WTF? It’s an advertisement for a Denver restaurant that I think serves fusion cuisine. This is on the menu:
Mr. Croque, a sandwich of Black Forest ham and cambozola cheese with a champagne saucette ($9), puts taste buds on a first-name basis with pleasure, and samurai sea bass attacks hunger with preserved veggies, a miso-beurre blanc, and a rigid code of honor ($26).
“What exactly,” inquired one of my online friends, “is pleasure’s first name?” The ad never reveals it. I suppose you have to go to the restaurant to find out. My favorite analogy is further along in the ad:
An extensive menu of signature cocktails and a globally focused wine list give Japoix the libationary power of a team of mixologist Clydesdales.
Are horses working at the bar? Do horses have qualities that are desirable in a bartender? My husband wondered if, maybe, the copywriter was from another culture in which the compliment “Hey, that’s a real horse of a bartender!” is common.
At first, I thought the restaurant had a random, weird copy editor. However, this morning, I opened my Groupon offer for a mainicure/pedicure and was greeted with this analogy:
Your feet have felt neglected ever since you started walking on your hands, and your hands have been jealous of your feet ever since you sold your fingers to pay for college.
In this case, why bother with the manicure? Further on, the ad reads
The luxury mani-pedi gets metacarpal and metatarsal teams looking their best before competing with rhinoceros horns and flamingo plumage in the World Keratin Showcase.
Okay, WHAT????? Will my toes look like horns? Is the nail polish flamingo-colored? I’m so confused.
I shared this with a few friends on Gawker and found out that it’s not just Denver. “Lymed”, from DC, sent me this gem from a Groupon Golf Course ad in DC. I tried to read it to my husband over the phone but started laughing so hard at the Keebler trees that I could not continue.
Gentle creeks and tributaries flow through the 7,077-yard championship layout at Old Hickory Golf Club, which is lined with oak, maple, and hickory, and conspicuously vacant Keebler trees. The Bull Run Golf Club meanders through pictorial meadows and woodlands. Regardless of the course, masterfully avoid stepping on cracks that break mothers’ backs by rolling over them (mothers, that is) in the included golf cart.
The ad got off to a good start as well:
Golf, like professional wrestling, involves an inordinate amount of tossing chairs, wearing flashy costumes, and putting while a spandexed competitor has you in a sleeper hold.
Who are these people golfing with? “A Piece of the Continent” sent in the following text from a Chicago Groupon for a science museum:
Science is one of the world’s most marginalized subjects, often bullied by math, disregarded by geography, and ridiculed by gym class.
I actually don’t think that’s true. I know for a fact that gym class isn’t around any more and I believe the science majors are the only people with jobs these days. “Delta Sierra” posted an older one from Orange County, CA:
A grocery store is like a carnival midway-it offers shelves and shelves of goodies that only become available after lobbing baseballs at stacks of bottles.
That’s not how I used to shop but I’m going to start immediately.
Clearly, the same person is writing all of the copy for Groupon because these are some of the weirdest analogies on earth. They are startling in their bizarre similarity. Do you think that alcohol is involved? I imagine it’s a more mind-altering substance. I’d like to see more of these if anyone has them on hand. At first, I thought I’d write them and tell them to get a new writer, but now I’m getting sort of attached to these little gems. I wonder if they are actively trying to make them bad at this point.
Thanks to the awesome Gawker crosstalk posters who helped with the Groupon research: spikenard, lymed, A Piece of the Continent, Madfall, Nuclear Bore, Shady Esperanto, Bebe, Mother Gooch, Delta Sierra, tipsy_hausfrau, yearscomeandgo, naugahydeinplainsight, Daisy_Sage, lamey007. This is crossposted from bbqcornnuts.typepad.com
In this edition of not dressing like a slob we’ll look at professional attire. I have compiled a very simple list of things any gentleman can do to avoid looking like a complete tool while not spending and more money on clothes than he otherwise would. Each of these items I see gentlemen doing wrong on a regular basis and feel the need to help.
Rule 1 – Know what to match
Shoes match your belt
Socks match your pants
Rule 2 – Your pants should not be from the 1990s
No cuffs
No pleats
Good length (people should not be able to see socks while you’re standing up)
Rule 3 – Know your size
If you are a gentleman of a larger girth or height you may need to shop where sizes are well stocked for you
If your shirt buttons are straining then your shirt is too small
Rule 4 – Know your age – shoes
Your shoes should not have tassels unless you are over 60
Timberland work boots are not dress shoes no matter how clean they are
Learn the pleasures of a good shoe shine
Bonus Round – $5 word
Haberdashery – A clothing and accessory store that specializes in the needs of a gentleman
Now, help out with your own wisdom in the comments.
With all the attention paid to Girl Talk lately, I feel like we should get to know another big name in the mashup game: The Hood Internet. The Hood Internet is made up two deejays from Chicago. (They actually released a mixtape of songs entirely by Chicago bands/rappers, which is pretty neat.) Their style is much different from Girl Talk’s, though. Whereas GT likes to skip from popular song to popular song, Hood Internet’s trademark is mixing indie rock and electro with hip-hop. And instead of quickly fading from one song to another, they tend to let the beat ride a bit more, which isn’t necessarily bad. Continue reading →
Time for another music post. Today I’m going to hit you with a bunch of stuff from two artists who may or may not wear striped shirts and berets and smoke Gauloises. Here’s a small taste of two dope French musicians, Sebastien Tellier and Martin Solveig.
Alors…. ecoutez a la musique!
First there’s Sebastien Tellier. He’s this skeevy-looking crazy man who kind of sounds like a lounge-singing version of Giorgio Moroder and Simon Le Bon.
“Kilometer”
“L’Amour et La Violence”
“Roche”
“Divine”
“Sexual Sportswear”
And here’s some stuff from Martin Solveig. He’s more of a producer god than a singer. At one point there was a Facebook petition calling on Solveing to produce Michael Jackson’s next album. Silly euros. Despite making REALLY pop-friendly music (in English, even!), Solveig is criminally overlooked over here. C’mon people! Pay attention!
Editor’s Note: I’m reposting this today in celebration of Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.
Has there ever been a more talented human being than Bill Cosby? Yeah, he may have gone far off the deep end of get-off-my-lawn crankiness in recent years, but not only was he maybe the greatest standup comedian of all time and starred in and produced one of the greatest sitcoms of all time, but he actually is a pretty amazing composer and musician.
Here’s “Martin’s Funeral,” his requiem for Martin Luther King, Jr. (It was later sampled by A Tribe Called Quest).
Why am I, a nearly 40 year old woman (gah! How did that happen?) obsessed with Teen Mom? I was secretly looking forward to last night’s premiere of Teen Mom 2. I set the DVR to record it twice just in case some of it got cut off. I have a theory that 30-40 year old moms are watching most of MTV’s docudramas. I bet if you could get people to really admit what they watch, you’d find out that I’m right (someone is watching all those episodes of True Life). Every time one of my friends has a baby, they tell me they spent their maternity leave watching 16 and Pregnant or My Super Sweet 16 or Jersey Shore or My Super Sweet Shore or 16 and At The Shore.
I did some self-analysis and here are some of the potential attractions that Teen Mom 2 holds for me:
I was obsessed with the original Teen Mom, so this is a natural progression.
I have little kids and this show makes my life look way easier.
Leah lives near my hometown so I see glimpses of where I grew up.
No matter how dumb I act, I still have more sense than Janelle (or Amber. Pick your season and there will be an applicable trainwreck).
Lawd, 17 year old boys should not be parents. Teen motherhood is a concern; teen fatherhood is a tragedy.
It makes me so glad I did not have children until I was in a stable relationship.
I am a huge dork for an underdog love story and am rooting hardcore for Leah and Corey.
Damn, is my husband ever WonderDad.
When I get irritated about spending Saturday night surrounded by tantrums and Goldfish crackers, I can remember that I spent my 20s going to so many clubs that I was sick to death of them
I continue, despite the critics, to think this show is a good documentary. It makes teen motherhood look like hell. I am soooo glad I waited. It’s so much easier when you’re older and the child’s father is older. I suppose it’s possible that some teen somewhere got pregnant on purpose just to get on this show. I’d have to question this teen’s ability to make any kind of good decision in general. Even if you’re a pregnant teen in the right age group, what are the odds you’d get on this show? Anyway, now I’ve publicly admitted my guilty TV watching habit (one of them). Now I’m going to watch the deleted scenes on MTV.com and count down the days until the next episode.
OK, kids. Strap on your day-glo backpack and floppy Kangol hat because we’re going back to 1998. It was a simpler time back then. Justin Bieber hadn’t been invented yet and the ecstasy flowed like wine. Here are some tracks to take you back to that sketchy warehouse party that was probably thrown in a former asbestos factory. You’ll have fun, as long as you avoid the bathroom. It’s filled with ravers and is almost definitely disgusting.
“Re-introduction” by The Wiseguys
A billion different samples, a never-ending scratch. The 90s were not the most subtle time for music. We generally liked to go overnboard. This one turned into a classic b-boy jam, so I can’t hate it.
“Trip II the Moon” by Acen
Science-fiction. We loved it back then. Basically, if you needed an idea for a song in 1996 and couldn’t think of anything else, you knew you could ALWAYS make it about space robots and call it “Flight 2 Da Moon” or something.
“Fucking in Heaven” by Fatboy Slim
Ah yes. Fatboy Slim aka Norman Cook. Here he pounds a single naughty phrase into oblivion. People just wanted to hear what samplers could do back then. Leave us alone, it was the 90s.
“Loaded” by Primal Scream
A psychadelic Stones homage made with a drum machine and a bucket full of drugs. Somehow it all works.
“King of the Beats” by Aphrodite
Here’s our first jungle track of the night. Aphrodite was known for putting out a BILLION records that all sounded very much like this one. Eventually his name kinda became a punchline. Still, I can’t hate on “King of the Beats.” When it gets all dark at the 2:00 mark it takes me back to my younger days when everyone wore thugged-out puffy jackets and huge boots to the rave.
“Under Mi Sensi” (Jungle Spliff X-Project Remix) by Barrington Levy
For a few years there, the huge trend was to mix dancehall reggae with jungle and call it “ragga jungle.” For some stupid reason it eventually fell out of favor. I say stupid because… jesus, this music is awesome. It makes me want to light a car on fire.
“What Goes Up” by Blackwing vs. Headhunter
Here’s another dark drum ‘n bass track. I think the music was so foreboding back then because we had a sneaky feeling the aughts were really going to suck.
“Drop That Beat” by Richard Humpty Vission
Ok, that’s enough jungle. Here’s an acid house/hard house joint from RHV. This music is just stupid frenetic and sounds like it was made for someone who just ate about 10 pills of E. I fully admit that this music is basically annoying as shit. I left it in because well, those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it. So cutting out this song would be like denying that genocide happened. Are you happy now, monster?
“The Funk Phenomena” by Armand Van Helden
This song was an absolute scorcher in the clubs with that weird little keyboard riff and cool vocal line. I think this is one of the tracks that truly has aged well.
“To the Three” by S.P.1200
I love how on this record’s label it thanks “all the djs who like to spin the hard tracks.” The airhorn sample, the sped up vocals, the huge cymbals and claps… so so 90s. I don’t know why we thought it was so cool when the producer sped the vocals up to make it sound like a four-year-old was rapping, but we ate that shit up.
“Infatuation” by Onionz & Master Dee
This record was made by hippies from the West Coast, so it’s all “musical” and doesn’t give you a splitting headache. Whatever, hippies.
“Freed From Desire” by Gala
EUROTRASH! It’s not just a recent phenomenon, kids.
“Release Me” by Industry
“Get Get Down” by Paul Johnson
Ok, there are only three words in this whole song, but dammit, the way Johnson keeps shifting the vocal pitch down was ahead of his time. (I have a feeling he was using an akai sampler instead of ProTools but I’ll defer to the experts on such questions.)
“On the Run” by DeBos
We all dressed exactly like this couple back then. And we’d ALWAYS smash our dinner table to bits. That was funny to us.
“King of my Castle” (Roy Malone Mix) by Wamdue Project
A few years ago here in Atlanta I happened to meet a guy named Chris Brann who I rode motorcycles with a few times. It turned out he was the producer behind Wamdue. Small world! I love this anecdote from his wikipedia page: “Wamdue Project famously appeared on the initial nominations list for ‘Best British Newcomer’ [3] at the 2000 Brit Awards, before embarrassed organisers were forced to withdraw the nomination on account of the fact that Brann is American.”
“Little Fluffy Clouds” by The Orb
This song contains maybe the weirdest sample of all time at the beginning when the trippy-sounding hippie farmgirl talks about the “little fluffy clouds” in the sky.
“King of the Death Posture” by Van Basten
Technically this is what trance sounded like before trance grew into something that made you want to stab yourself in the face.
“Pumpin” by Bad Boy Bill
“Didjital Vibrations” by Jamiroquai
Jamiroquai was sort of the house band of the 90s rave scene. This was the perfect track for the chill-out room. Do they even have chill-out rooms anymore? It was where you went when your body was simply too exhausted to continue dancing but the drugs weren’t going to let you pass out just yet. I don’t think that exists any more with the invention of Red Bull.
What the frick can these two possibly have to say to one another?
CS: “I’m on a show. A television show?”
DJ Paul Mitchell: “I’m on a show, too!”
CS: “Maybe you’ve heard of it? On HBO? It’s called Big Love.”
DJ Paul Mitchell: “Heh, heh. I got me some big love here, if you know what I mean!”
CS: “No, no, you moron. Big Love. It’s about Mormons.”
DJ Paul Mitchell: “Yeah, yeah, like them singers. In like a choir or some such.”
CS: “No, no, you moron…well, yeah, like that. Look, my show’s ending, so how about I make you my next project? How attached to that hair are you?”
DJ Paul Mitchell: “My hair is totally attached to my body. Have you seen my body? It is my third best feature.”
CS: “I don’t even want to know what your first and second best features are. Just shut up and smile. They’re taking our picture.”
