Knight of the Burning River

101 posts

KotBR is from the Midwest. Cleveland sports have been torturing him longer than some of you have been alive. Buy him a beer, and he'll probably tell you a story that's too long.

Sorry Mr. President, I’m in But My Money Isn’t

Fearing that the Republicans would stop looking for excuses to attack him, and desperately in need of the attention, the President jumped into the 2012 campaign on Monday. With a paltry 19 months to go until the election, Barack Obama released a short video on his website announcing that he and Vice President Biden will seek reelection against ”Koch Brother’s Puppet Candidate TBA.”

In addition to announcing his re-election bid to the world, the Obama campaign machine has already swung into full fundraising mode. Appropriating a version of an old Democratic strategy, it seems like Obama and Co. are asking donors to “give early and give often.”

Given that some estimate that the campaign will need close to $1B (yes, that’s a ‘B’, as in ‘billion’), it is a sensible move. If I want to pay cash for a medium ticket item next year, I’m smarter to put $20 a week away starting now. There’s not exactly a credit card for big media buys that I’m aware of.

So, it was little surprise to me when the package asking for money for the campaign landed in our mailbox this week. After all, Organizing for America (the outfit that the 2008 Obama campaign morphed into) scarcely goes a week without emailing me, hat in hand, for cause ‘x’.

What may surprise Obama/Biden 2012 is this: My wallet is closed to them for the foreseeable future.

images — Maybe Albert can slip you a few clams for this round

Why? Simply put, he campaigned as a progressive Santa Claus, and gave me a Blue Dog for Christmas the last two years. Sadly, I’m just not excited about a watered down health care bill or milquetoast finance reform, which were two big issues for me in 2008. Add in zero movement on gay marriage and the disinterest in paring back a bloated military, and I question what side the guy is even on sometimes. The Great Tax Cut Capitulation of 2010 made me want to strip the “Yes We Can” sticker off the bumper of my neighbor’s Prius.

Before someone throws the “What the f*ck has Obama done so far” website in the comments: I get it, he’s gotten further on some important issues than Clinton ever did. He also folds like a Walmart tent the face of even token GOP opposition. That’s not the guy I thought I was voting for, or donating to, in 2008.

He’ll undoubtedly get my vote, and that of my spouse. We live in a battle ground state that went all crazy red in 2010, and I’m not dumb enough to risk throwing double-digit electoral votes to Mittchelle Huckawlenty (the GOP-zombie creation who appeals to creepy Evangelicals and big-business) in service of my progressive pouting.

Rather, I’m voicing my displeasure in the same way I do when my favorite sports teams make a series of moves I dislike. Taking money out of their pockets, or rather, refusing to ever put it in there in the first place. It is the only other way I know of to get a politicians’ attention. Watch the way the 2012 campaigns (or any recent campaigns, for that matter) court the big money, and you’ll get evidence of this in abundance.

Do I expect that the loss of whatever relatively paltry sum my family would donate will have much effect on the Obama campaign? Am I suddenly going to get an audience with the big guy to air my grievances? No, of course not.

Yet, between a still-sagging economy and a general malaise among progressives, I sincerely doubt that we’re the only small money donors from 2008 whose checkbook stays on the sidelines in 2012.

Besides, if there’s a GOP victory in 2012, I’ll need to save every cent I can to pay for my privatized Medicare.

A #Crasstalk (Political) Science Experiment

Last week, one of our faithful overlords gave us an article about a simplistic method for Canadians to figure out their true political leanings.

Once we got into the comments, however, someone piped up that a tool for evaluating the same in America would be nice to have. Dogs, ever the helpful one, gave us that link, and we had some fun with it in that thread.

We learned that Ethnology Nerd is almost definitely a red, and that at least a few of us think some (probably small number of) folks really do deserve to go to jail for the eternity of their time on this planet.

0126-State-of-the-Union-GOP-Reaction_full_600 — Not all political views are created equal

In the end, I thought it might be fun for a bunch of us to take the test, (linked above) and see where we fall as a group. The test only takes about 10 minutes, and if everyone posts their results here in the comments, I can round them up in a few days and do a little analysis, and then we can get to work on taking over the world from a more pragmatic perspective. I’m sure certain tendencies will reveal themselves, but I expect to see some interesting results.

If you already did this in the previous post, and have a second to repost your results here, it’ll make life easier for me from a collection standpoint.

Is Your State For Sale?

It’s no secret that state budgets across the United States are ‘in crisis’. The tumbling tax revenues resulting from a combination of high unemployment rates and tax cuts for corporations and wealthy individuals, coupled with the expiration of federal stimulus funds, has left states in the unenviable position of closing significant budget gaps.

In fits of ~~ignorance~~ rage, voters in several states have tasked Republicans with the arduous task of filling their budget holes. Across the country, right-wing governors and GOP-led legislatures are looking for private sector solutions to public sector problems, and looking to operate the government in a more business-like fashion.

Like any good business, the answer? Fire sale, motherfucker! Eliminate those long term revenue streams in exchange for a lump sum payment up front, increased cost of services to your citizens, and a likelihood of decreased wages for the workers providing those services. In the case of selling an asset, like Ohio governor John Kasich plans to do with its prisons or Scott Walker’s plan to pay back Koch Industries with no-bid power plant sales, that asset is GONE. Off the balance sheet. No longer an asset to the state.

The money up front, of course, is nice. Lump sums help close holes in 1 and 2-year budgets. However, two years from now, when a new budget is due to the state, and these governors are still in charge (barring a recall, which, sadly, in Ohio, doesn’t exist), similar gaps will need filled again. What to sell then? Roads? Parks? The Lottery?

Well, in Ohio, those things are slated to be leased out to private companies. The parks for natural gas drilling, the turnpike to get the maintenance costs off the state’s back, and the lottery? Well, there’s just a lot of money to be made that could be much better utilized by someone who’s already rich than the schools it was originally intended to support. If you’re already leasing out a car, you can’t exactly turn around and sell it to someone else. So, close that door.

Nope, you’ll either have to raise taxes on folks who can afford it (HA!), or cut more services. Schools in the Midwest don’t need heat, do they? If we cram 60 kids into a classroom meant for 30, the body heat alone should be enough, right? I’m not a scientist, but that sounds right.

Admittedly, I haven’t seen some of the numbers associated with these efforts yet. Like any good used car salesman, the politicians associated with these actions like to wait until the last minute to disclose the details of the sale.

However, I’m having trouble with the math on some of these things. In the case of the turnpike, it’s likely that the company that leases it from the state will lay-off and reduce the wages of toll and maintenance workers, raise tolls (see Indiana), and possibly scrimp on certain aspects of maintenance/safety. Wait, that never happens, right?

So, what you likely have: Reductions in tax revenue from workers, a further erosion of the middle class way of life, an increase in real costs to the citizens and businesses that use those resources, and a share of revenue that could go directly to state coffers redirected as profit to a private firm (whose taxes your state probably just cut, helping to exacerbate said budget deficit).

But, those are only leases right? If they don’t work out, the state can always just take back control and operation of the asset.

Sure, except, your state has now disbanded the departments, cut those costs from the budget, and would have to re-create the infrastructure needed to resume operation of the asset in question. That costs money. Real money. Who’s going to pay for that?

Not guys like Kasich, Walker, or their friends and supporters. Believe that.

A Viewing Guide to Days 1 and 2 of the NCAAs

Assuming that you have access to cable TV destination truTV, the NCAA has made it possible to watch every single game in the first two rounds of the NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournatment. (Sorry, it’s the first two rounds. That mess the last two nights does NOT count) Great, right? Well, it still doesn’t account for the fact that many of the games run concurrently, and, in the first two days, some of them are out-right dogs. I’m looking at you, Kansas-Boston U. Admittedly, the networks do a decent job of staggering, but some games are a bet to be better than others.

Chances are, you don’t have a legit dog in this fight, as some 280 Division I schools don’t make the tournament. So, what to watch? You’re busy, and probably too lazy to drag a second or even third television into the same room to put them all up together. Let’s take a look at the schedule and highlight the stuff worth watching:

March 17

Early Games

12:15 p.m.: East Region: No. 5 West Virginia vs. Clemson, CBS
12:40 p.m.: Southeast Region: No. 8 Butler vs. No. 9 Old Dominion, truTV
1:40 p.m.: Southwest Region: No. 4 Louisville vs. No. 13 Morehead State, TBS

The pick: Butler v. ODU. Butler went to the title game last year, remember? Some people think they’re better than the 8 seed they received, and others think they’ll be bounced in the first round. 8-9 games are generally closely contested, and I don’t think anyone believes that WVU will have much trouble with a Clemson team that’s probably at least a little gassed from playing late Tuesday and making the trip to Tampa Bay from Dayton.

Mid-Day Games

2:10 p.m.: West Region: No. 7 Temple vs. No. 10 Penn State, TNT

2:40 p.m.: East Region: No. 4 Kentucky vs. No. 13 Princeton, CBS

3:10 p.m.: Southeast Region: No. 1 Pittsburgh vs. UNC-Asheville, truTV

4:10 p.m.: Southwest Region: No. 5 Vanderbilt vs. No. 12 Richmond, TBS

4:40 p.m.: West Region: No. 2 San Diego State vs. No. 15 Northern Colorado

The pick(s): Ugh, is it any surprise that these games are on in the middle of the work day? Nobody outside of Pennsylvania wants to see PSU-Temple, and unless Princeton has some magic, Kentucky might run them off the floor in the first 15 minutes. You’ll have to hope that Morehead State gives Louisville some run in the 1:40 game, at least enough to get you to Vandy-Richmond at 4:10. This one has potential, simply because for as great as the SEC is in football, you can’t trust them in hoops outside the states of Kentucky and Florida most years.

Post-Dinner Games

6:50 p.m: Southeast Region: No. 2 Florida vs. No. 15 UC-Santa Barbara

7:15 p.m.: Southeast Region: No. 3 BYU vs. No. 14 Wofford, CBS

7:20 p.m.: West Region: No. 3 Connecticut vs. No. 14 Bucknell, TNT

7:27 p.m.: Southeast Region: No. 4 Wisconsin vs. No. 13 Belmont, truTV

The pick: Now things get interesting. The Jimmer Show starts at 7:15, and if he gets going early, you might as well stick around. Heck, he tends to score in bursts, so if Wofford sticks around for the first 10 minutes, it could be fun. Otherwise, make your way over to ‘The tru” for Wisconsin-Belmont, which has a lot of folks pick as a trendy upset. Belmont can flat shoot it, and Wisconsin couldn’t break 40 against Penn State in the Big-Ten tournament. In other words, don’t let the seeds fools you.

Night-Time Games

9:25 p.m.: Southeast Region: No. 7 UCLA vs. No. 10 Michigan State, TBS

9:45 p.m.: Southeast Region: No. 6 St. John’s vs. No. 11 Gonzaga, CBS

9:55 p.m.: West Region: No. 6 Cincinnati vs. No. 11 Missouri, TNT

10:05 p.m.: Southeast Region: No. 5 Kansas State vs. No. 12 Utah State, truTV

The Pick: Christ, CBS, thanks for cramming three potentially good games into the last hour. Here, I’d toggle between the first three games until KSU-Utah State tips. Utah State is another situation where I advise you to ignore the seeds. USU was ranked in the top 25 for a while this season, and again, if they get hot, they could make KSU sweat.

March 18

Early Games

12:15 p.m.: West Region: No. 4 Texas vs. No. 13 Oakland, CBS

12:40 p.m.: West Region: No. 8 Michigan vs. No. 9 Tennessee, truTV

1:40 p.m.: Southwest Region: No. 2 Notre Dame vs. No. 15 Akron, TBS

The pick: Happy Friday! These games suck. MI-TN is the only one with any potential here, I think, and Michigan is awful. Want to see an 8 seed who probably should have been forced to play a play-in game? Watch Michigan. Go out to lunch instead.

Mid-Day Games

2:10 p.m.: East Region: No. 8 George Mason vs. No. 9 Villanova, TNT

2:40 p.m.: West Region: No. 5 Arizona vs. No. 12 Memphis, CBS

3:10 p.m.: West Region: No. 1 Duke vs. No. 16 Hampton, truTV

4:10 p.m.: Southwest Region: No. 7 Texas A&M vs. No. 10 Florida State, TBS

4:40 p.m.: East Region: No. 1 Ohio State vs. No. 16 UTSA/Alabama State

The pick: Arizona has probably one of the more exciting athletes in the tournament in Derrick Williams. Memphis will run with them though, so it will probably be the most entertaining game of this bunch. Texas A&M-FSU will be interesting only in that someone has to win.

Post-Dinner Games

6:50 p.m.: Southwest Region: No. 1 Kansas vs. No. 16 Boston University, TBS

7:15 p.m.: East Region: No. 2 UNC vs. No. 15 Long Island, CBS

7:20 p.m.: Southwest Region: No. 3 Purdue vs. No. 14 St. Peter’s, TNT

7:27 p.m.: East Region: No. 6 Xavier vs. No. 11 Marquette, truTV

The pick: Xavier-Marquette. Really, the other three games will probably be blowouts, and Marquette is probably better than an 11 seed, but not quite good enough, if I was picking (and I did).

Late Night Games

9:20 p.m.: Southwest Region: No. 8 UNLV vs. No. 9 Illinois, TBS

9:40 p.m.: East Region: No. 7 Washington vs. No. 10 Georgia, CBS

9:55 p.m.: Southwest Region: No. 6 Georgetown vs. No. 11 VCU, TNT

10:05 p.m. East Region: No. 3 Syracuse vs. No. 14 Indiana State, truTV

The pick: Illinois is not a 9 seed. Seriously, the Big-Ten is not that good at basketball. Go UW-UGA here. Washington’s Isiah Thomas is cold-blooded, and they just knocked off Arizona, so this will likely be the most entertaining of this bunch.

As always, though, keep an eye on the scores. CBS, as a rule, has always done a good job of keeping viewers informed of when something special is happening or about to happen.

And lastly, if you haven’t done so yet, you still have a short amount of time to sign up for the Crasstalk March Madness Bracket on CBS. The password is honeybadger.

Update (4:50PM)-Congrats to A Piece of the Continent, for being the only person in the Crassballin’ Bracket to get each of the first 4 games correct. Jerk.

How Charlie Sheen Saved Playboy (Sort Of)

Inside the walls of the Playboy mansion property, preparations are in full swing for a St Patrick’s Day celebration under the twitchy eye of the property’s new owner, Charlie Sheen. Of course, on the property, the party is referred to as the ‘St. Charlie’s Day 2016’ celebration, as it combines America’s favorite drunken holiday with the second anniversary of Sheen taking possession of the property and the magazine in 2014, shortly after Hugh Hefner’s death.

In the two years hence, the former actor has elevated the nudie-rag’s profile by moving high-demand content to ‘print-issue only’ status, increasing subscriber figures by nearly 25%, and pushing newsstand sales up by nearly 30% in the same time frame.

Sheen’s involvement in empire was the Playboy patriarch’s final masterstroke. In late 2011, with the actor’s sitcom Two and a Half Men officially terminated by CBS, Hef saw an opportunity. Here was a man some forty years his junior, flush with cash and free time, who shared his passion for naked ladies and also possessed of the one thing Playboy desperately needed: Buzz.

In return for a relatively modest investment (which Sheen was able to finance against his future income from the syndication of Men), Charlie helped Hef buy out the private equity firm that helped take the magazine private in 2010. As part of the deal, Hef gave Charlie access to the mansion, with the standing agreement that he would buy out his familial heirs at the time of his death.

The Playboy franchise, long circling the drain of print media, has experienced a rebirth of sorts under his leadership, despite his utter lack of experience in publishing, editing, or even reading. His two specialities, drawing attention to himself and finding young women who gladly take their clothes off on camera, have proven to be the only skills needed to rescue the struggling publication.

Sheen’s fingerprints are all over the magazine: His editor’s column, the simply titled: ‘Winning with Charlie’, greets readers every month with his thoughts on topics ranging from the need for grass roots democracy in the Middle East to the need for every adult film to contain at least one girl-girl scene.

His unique editorial touch marks the photo spreads as well. He unofficially announced his presence in the first issue under his stewardship, posing Miss April 2014 suggestively straddling a bicycle without a seat. However, by December of the same year, he drew even more attention with the inclusion of a centerfold showing two University of Kentucky track stars at opposing ends of a pole vault pole.

He’s also been very aggressive about cutting staff and taking on more work himself, including taking ownership of all TV, movie and music reviews under his column ‘Sheen & Heard’. Though, Sheen’s sometimes (frequently) erratic behavior has evidenced itself here as well. For 8 consecutive months, the column maligned the Chuck Lorre created Mike & Molly (unbelievably in it’s sixth season now), saying, among other things, that lead Billy Gardell “…(is) like John Candy, minus the talent, comedic timing, and good looks”. He’s saved his worst for Lorre, though, stating in a separate issue that “(Lorre’s) scripts aren’t fit for use as a monkey’s diaper”. In 2015, he reviewed a reissue of Dark Side of the Moon on three separate occasions (it received 5, 2, and 3 1/2 stars, respectively).

As the keeper of the mansion, Emilio’s brother has done his best to keep up some of the long standing traditions. He still holds movie night once a month, including a double feature of Major League and Major League 2 this past September. The mansion’s legendary parties are still well attended by Hollywood party stars and their hangers on, and still expertly catered. Though, there have been issues, such as last year’s St. Patrick’s Day, when porn star Riley Steele convinced Sheen to dye the pool and grotto water green, claiming it would be ‘festive’. Needless to say, the pool stayed empty that night.

This year, Charlie assures the revelers that there will be no food coloring in the pool, though he believes his will be the best St. Partick’s Day party around. Taking a puff from a thick cigar, he stands overlooking the party area and mutters to no one in particular, “Still winning. Always winning.”

Scott Walker Hasn’t Forgotten About the Children; He’ll Break Them, Too

Koch brothers’ hype man Scott Walker laid bare the full of his budget proposal yesterday. In it, he called for nearly $1B in cuts to public school funding, while ensuring that local districts wouldn’t be able to spuriously find a way to close the gap he’s creating. How? By inserting a provision requiring districts to reduce their property tax authority. It’s assumed that Walker will soon legislate a bully and a pickpocket into each municipal school, in order to extract additional funds directly out of kids’ pockets.

Fear not, though, fair Wisconsin residents! Walker didn’t just take his chain saw to the expense side of the ledger. No, no, not at all. He also looked for ways to trim up the budget from the revenue side, asking for an estimated $82M in tax cuts, much of that coming from capital gains realized on investments in ‘Wisconsin based businesses’. Wait, you mean cutting more revenue will only further impact the ability of the state to shore up it’s budget issues by forcing even more spending cuts? Well done, high school accounting students! Your classes just landed on Scott Walker’s chopping block!

Further, let’s assume that power plants, the kind that Walker wants to privatize and sell off (without bids!) as part of his larger plan, would qualify as ‘Wisconsin based businesses.’ But remember, the Koch’s aren’t interested in those power plants. Nope, never. Ignore the fact that their own website, under ‘Industry Areas’ lists ‘supply energy to communities to heat and cool buildings’ in the first sentence highlighting their offerings.

Walker is also touting cuts to cities and counties in his budget, just so they don”t feel left out as Walker machetes his way through what’s left of the middle class.

In case you happened to catch yourself feeling bad for Walker, don’t worry, he’s still got folks on his side. In spite of the poll numbers indicating that support for him is waning, Americans for Prosperity is putting together a ‘Stand Against Spending. Stand With Walker’ bus tour this very weekend!.

I don’t need to tell you who the primary backers of AFP are.

In short, Scott Walker is Flava Flav, if Flava Flav ever worked for Don King.

politics

Scott Walker’s Draconian Labor Proposals are Wisconsin’s Newest Export

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College dropout and Race to the Bottom cheerleader Scotty Walker is soon to have a brother in arms. In Ohio, former Fox News host and former Lehman Brothers executive-turned-governor John Kasich and the GOP majority are on track to pass a distinctly similar bill to the one on the table in Wisconsin.

Much like Walker’s bill, the Ohio proposal would strip public employees in Ohio of the right to collectively bargain for pay and benefits. This would be on top of the concessions that have already been requested (and mostly agreed to), and further, limit the effects of binding arbitration.

And, much like Wisconsin, public sector employees in Ohio are filling buses and making their way to Columbus in volumes generally reserved for Ohio State-Michigan football games.

Within the state, the familiar battle lines are being drawn, while eyes focus on Wisconsin. The assumption is that if Wisconsin caves to the demands of Koch-driven politics, that Ohio will be the next domino to fall, right on the backs of what remains of the middle class.

It seems almost sure to happen, eventually, though. Kasich isn’t the type to let up. He has his mandate, (and no, I’m not talking about the glorious 49% of the vote he received last November) and seems determined to deliver it to us: You will fight for scraps, and be grateful for the opportunity to do so.

Sadly, there is support for this, which, if you listen to a lot of the folks online and in the papers, seems counterintuitive. The argument I witness most frequently is that if the private sector isn’t ‘able’ to give employees benefits like those currently enjoyed in segments of the public sector, then the public sector employees shouldn’t be entitled to the benefits that they’ve currently bargained for. This, I have a problem understanding. The fact that the private sector has slowly and steadily taken things away from the middle class means that we should screw what’s left of it over? Seems like we’re picking the wrong scapegoat.

So, we’ll likely see a repeat of what’s happening in Wisconsin here in Ohio. Thousands of public sector employees, with organizational help from the unions, will make their way to the state capitol to voice their discontent. Some Koch brothers’ funded group with a happy-sounding name will bus in a few hundred Medicare recipients (some from out of state, I’m sure) who are too stupid to realize that they’re spitting in the wind, and have them counter protest.

In the end, the Republicans will have the votes they need to pass these bills, and we can get to partying like it’s 1929.

City Guide: Cleveland Rocks

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(Author’s Note: City Guide is an effort to serve as both an education about some of the great places on this little planet of ours, as well as offer a resource for folks who might have to travel someplace they’ve never been for work, a wedding, whatever, and don’t want to spend 3 days eating at Applebee’s and drinking Labatt Blue at the hotel bar.)

Frequently, when I tell folks that I live in Cleveland, and have done so for close to 15 years, the looks I get are a combination of pity, bewilderment, and sometimes, disdain. Much of what they know about the city is that the river caught fire in 1969, LeBron James gave us the finger on national TV, and our own residents make music videos mocking the city. Often, it’s accompanied by an assumption that I’m allergic to the sun, love icy roads, or possess an aversion to sports teams that win more than 40% of their games.

I can assure you, dear readers, that it is certainly none of those things (though, I admittedly don’t tan very well). Simply, I love living here. It’s an eclectic, historic city that, like many of its Midwest brethren, is always trying to overcome the image of a sorry, broken down shell of a place. In reality, there’s something for just about everyone here, assuming you get pointed in the right direction. That’s my job.

So? When should I show up? While Cleveland is known as both a football town and a cold weather city, the best time to visit is sometime between early May and mid-late September. It’s the time of year to enjoy the waterfront along Lake Erie (stop snickering), the park system, and the various bar patios around the city (most likely).

I’m here! How do I get around? Chances are, you arrived in Cleveland either by plane or automobile. If you’re going to be here for more than a day or so, or have any interest in exploring beyond downtown, you’ll want to rent a car if you didn’t drive yourself in, or aren’t visiting a friend that can cart your cheap ass around. Things are spread out enough that cab fares aren’t worth it, and Cleveland’s above-ground rail, well, sucks. In most cases, parking isn’t terribly difficult to find, or expensive, especially not by New York or Chicago standards.

Fine, but I’m not sleeping in a rental car. Now what? If I have a quarrel with Cleveland, it’s a lack of unique/interesting hotels. All the major chains are represented, but for a boutique type hotel, you’ll have to trek 10 miles east of downtown, which isn’t worth it for most folks. Stay downtown, please. If you’ve got the cash, and you want some luxury, the Ritz-Carlton on W. 3rd is a beautifully old, but updated, tower of class. For the other 98%, the Residence Inn Marriott on Prospect was completely renovated in 2009-10, is walking distance from most downtown attractions, and inside an historic old building itself.

Terrific, but hotel food stinks. Feed me. Well, my friend, you’ve now landed in the Midwest’s wheelhouse: Food. If you’ve noticed our obesity statistics over the years, you’ve likely concluded that we know how to cook and eat quite well. True enough, and Cleveland is overstuffed with options.

For those of you who dig the celebrity chef thing, Cleveland native Michael Symon (former Iron Chef, current Food Network star) has several restaurants in the area, all of whom rely on local ingredients. The most expensive, Lola, is right downtown. His original restaurant, Lolita, is located in the Tremont neighborhood, and is more moderately priced. Reservations are recommended at both. He also has what’s widely regarded as the best burger place in town, the B-Spot.

Your famous chef doesn’t impress me, what else you got? Slightly less famous is Melt Bar & Grilled, which has encampments on both the near west and east sides, and has been featured on Travel Channel’s Man V. Food. A kitschy amalgamation of hipster and punk rock decor, Melt is a semi-local legend. As you can deduce, the focus here is on grilled cheese sandwiches, but in the grown up way. A word of advice: unless you’ve got three hours to kill, go at an oddly off-peak time of day, or better yet, place the order to go. Melt’s specialty is sandwiches, not turning tables.

The best pizza in Cleveland can be found just west of downtown, at Angelo’s in Lakewood. A thick buttery crust and sauce with just a twinge of sweetness has made it one of the more popular local joints for the last 30 years.

Vegetarians and vegans will do well to stop by Tommy’s in Coventry, on the near east side. Serving the progressive population of Cleveland Heights for decades, Tommy’s has a mix of vegetarian and non-vegetarian options, including spectacular milkshakes for both.

Finally, for authentic Italian, and tons of options, stop by Little Italy. An eclectic mix of old, classic restaurants and new, contemporary Italian offerings are available. Frankly, I can’t identify a restaurant where you’d go wrong in that part of the city.

I changed my mind. I just want to drink.

If you like micro-brews (and who doesn’t?) the absolute number one place to go in Cleveland is Great Lakes Brewery in Ohio City. Bearing at least 12 different high quality beers on tap at any given time, all of them brewed in house, and many of them of the high ABV variety, GLBC is the very best Northeast Ohio has to offer in terms of beer. The food’s pretty decent as well, with a variety of stepped up pub fair.Tip: Start off with the flagship beer, Dortmunder Gold, and finish yourself off with a Blackout Stout.

As an added bonus, there are half a dozen other bars of various size and style within 3 blocks of Great Lakes, and all on the same main thoroughfare, for those that prefer to do a little bar hopping.

No, wait. I want to drink and dance. That’s fine too. You probably want to check out the Warehouse District along West 6th and West 9th Streets. Aptly named for the fact that the bars, clubs, and condos along the lake front are fashioned from old warehouses, the Warehouse District is where a lot of young folks congregate for drinking and dancing. The most low key bar along this stretch is the Map Room on W. 9th, for people who are older than 27, or don’t enjoy getting lightly felt up while waiting 20 minutes for a beer. Alright, so, dance clubs aren’t Cleveland’s strong point, or mine.

I need something more low-key. Then you want either Tremont (highlights include the classier 806, or the more hole in the wall Treehouse, with a giant outdoor space), or the corridor along East 4th St. Both feature a wide variety of bars and great restaurants.

Great, but I already figured out people in the Midwest could eat and drink. What else do you slobs do?

Well, that depends on what you are into. Let’s knock some easy stuff out of the way.

Yes, Cleveland is home to three allegedly professional sports teams. At the time of this writing, not a one of them are worth the price of admission on their own. For people who have an appreciation of the architecture of baseball stadiums, Progressive Field (though here, it’s always going to be Jacobs Field, don’t ask) is a beautiful facility. Tip: Show up about 30 minutes or so before game time, walk up and buy an $8 upper deck ticket, and set up shop at the Batter’s Eye Bar behind center field. It’s a better view, and a full service bar makes the Indians about 50% more watchable.

For the outdoorsy types, the Cleveland Metroparks spread throughout the city, and include the very cool Cleveland Zoo. The parks have over 60 miles of paved trails, many along the smaller creeks and rivers that feed into Lake Erie. The trails are perfect for bicycling, running, or even taking a walk. Frankly, if you ate dinner at Melt and had a night cap at Great Lakes, you could probably use a walk.

What about culture? Cleveland has it in spades: art museums, theater, and music. The highlights:

The Great Lakes Science Center is nerd-topia (in a good way), especially now that they’ve added the NASA visitor center from nearby Glenn Research Center.

The Museum of Natural History is another gem, and a great place to take kids (or, 30 year old men) who are into dinosaurs.

The Cleveland Orchestra is widely recognized as one of the best in the business. The best way to see them is outdoors, at Blossom Music Center in the summer. Rumor has it, you can bring your own wine. Why they don’t allow this for say, Toby Keith, I won’t ask.

For things that aren’t as, well, mainstream, I suggest:

The Tremont Art Walk. About two dozen galleries and locally owned boutiques open for extended hours on the second Friday of each month.

During Christmas, check out the Bazaar Bizarre, a collection of local merchants selling hand-made, quality local clothes, accessories, and art. Like so many events in Cleveland, it takes place in an old warehouse that’s been converted into a multi-floor art space. Another tip: Go early in the day. By lunch time, it gets a little difficult to navigate.

Alright, what can I skip? The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, while quite famous, is generally less interesting and interactive than Seattle’s Experience Music Project, despite being much larger in square footage.

Also, orchestra concert aside, if you can avoid Blossom Music Center, please do. It’s in the middle of nowhere, parking stinks, getting in and out is a nightmare, and there hasn’t been a structural or sound system improvement to the place in about 25 years. If you’re in the region and want to see your favorite band, just drive out to Star Lake near Pittsburgh.

Great. Now, I want a souvenir, but shot glasses are tacky. Well then, good sir, you are in luck. The CLE Clothing company sells a number of Cleveland centric shirts and accessories (including stuff to cover ladies no-no parts!). As an added bonus, they sell online, in case you forget to stop by their store downtown.

So, boys and girls, that’s Cleveland. River fire free since 1969!

Images: http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Cleveland%27s_reflection.jpg

http://www.flickr.com/photos/ojbyrne/2783908574/

Crasstalk Fight Club: Nibbles v Honey Badger

124 comments

Seeing that we’ve been kicking around a potential #Crasstalk four-legged, fuzzy mascot, it merits discussing: Who’s furry merchant of technical death has the head-to-head advantage? Let’s dive in and see if we can’t settle this.

Experience: Nibbles has been in our Gawker comments for years, voraciously consuming them, sometimes in mass quantities. He can, over the course of only a few days, repost the same comment eight times, disable the edit function, and swallow up reply notifications on a whim. Honey Badger is new on the scene, but seems well conditioned, given that Intense Debate is in his corner. Other than folks adjusting to the new format, Honey Badger has yet to exert his influence. Advantage: Nibbles. That little sucker can wreak havoc with the simplest twitch of the nose.

Ferocity: All the cute little .gifs of hamsters carrying machine guns aside, have you ever seen a honey badger? They kill cobras, for crying out loud! And, look at the second word in that description: Badger. The mascot of the University is Wisconsin, where there are only 3 rules:

1) Facial hair is functional, never ironic.

2) A wheel of cheese in every refrigerator.

3) Seriously, don’t F with a badger.

Advantage: Honey Badger

Elusiveness: Time and again, we’ve seen Nibbles deftly enact chaos on the Gawker servers, then disappear into the ether, only to plot his next strike. Smaller in stature, he can get into spaces Honey Badger only dreams of. Honey Badger is wiry and creative, but Nibbles always seems to know which wire to chew up to inflict maximum comment crashing. Advantage: Nibbles

Defenses: Anyone who was a Gawker user back in December knows how this one goes. Security is a rumor in Nibble’s world. Big Advantage: Honey Badger

Overall: Honey Badger is mean, tough, and seriously does not give an eff what you think. Nibbles has experience, cunning, and a dose of humorous evil on his side. Who you got?

(ETA: Thanks to DoW for the Photoshop help with the thumbnail)

An Honest Holiday Letter

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Dear Family Member, Friend, or Roommate of Mine from College With Whom This is Our Only Interaction All Year,

We hope that this letter finds you doing well this holiday season! It’s been an interesting and eventful year in our household again.

We’re still living in the same subdivision, and can’t believe that it’s been 7 years already. Ted seems to think we’ll be here forever, probably b/c between the first and second mortgages, we aren’t really in a great position to sell. That said, I know we wouldn’t trade the boat or the trips to Disney or the Grand Canyon in previous years for just about anything. Fortunately, we have lots of photos of those trips.

Speaking of the boat, we didn’t get out on it more than a few times this year, what with the price of gasoline being what it is. I know the kids are disappointed about that, and the lack of a ‘big’ vacation this year. But, I think the road trip we took to Aunt Nancy’s in July was a nice getaway for them, even if there is no theme park or body of water in Lincoln, Nebraska. We managed to make it while sitting through only one dust storm, so it was truly a wonderful time.

Ted is still with the same employer, which we’re thankful for, even though he hasn’t gotten a raise in three years. He’s actually doing so well there that he’s doing his job, and the job of another guy who was let go at the beginning of the year! His boss jokes that maybe this year there’ll be a Christmas bonus, depending on what Obama does with his tax rates. There hasn’t been one of those in five years, but we’ve learned to do without it.

For my part, I’m still working part time at the jewelry store at the mall, mostly while the kids are in school. Granted, now that they’re older, I’ve flirted with going back to work full time, but there doesn’t seem to be much out there for a sociology graduate who hasn’t worked in the field for the last 13 years. Again, though, we’re lucky to both have money coming in, so we won’t complain.

As far as the kids go, Annabelle is in her last year of middle school, and is looking forward to being a full-fledged high schooler (and teenager!). There was a big uproar at her public school this year because a health teacher tried to do a unit on sexual education. It was disconcerting, to say the least. After all, there are some conversations even we won’t have with our daughter.

Randy is finishing up his junior year, and has moved into the top 1/3 of his class. Our state, isn’t exactly known for education, and his school district is mediocre at best, but we’re celebrating the little victories. He’s already started to look at some colleges out west, as he’d really like to go away for a few years. Ted has been urging him, subtly, to look at some of the local community colleges. Our hope is that nobody gets completely crippled by debt that way.

That’s about all of our news. We hope everyone has a wonderful holiday and a fruitful New Year!

Love,

Middle America