In honor of the Crasstalk Day of Womanly Things, here is a list of the ten American women who are the epitome of female badassery. What makes a woman a badass? Her smarts, fearlessness and ability to be a pain in the ass of those who would keep her down. Feel free to criticize my picks in the comments and add your own. Continue reading
Yesterday, we learned at Michele Bachmann suffers from debilitating migraine headaches. According to people who work for Mitt Romney unnamed sources, Bachmann’s headaches are so severe that she is unable to function during severe migraine attacks and occasionally requires trips to the emergency room. The disclosure of Bachmann’s condition is a pretty obvious attempt to create concerns about her fitness to assume the presidency. Can she run the country if she’s curled up in bed, crying into her pillow and clutching a giant bottle of Advil, her silent tears freezing on the three ice packs she has strategically placed on her head and neck? What if the Soviet Union tries to move nuclear weapons to Cuba and the X-Men are nowhere to be found and President Bachmann is locked in a bomb shelter since it’s the only place she can find where the sun won’t bother her eyes during a particularly bad migraine? What will happen then??? Continue reading
Some of the most illustrious, talented people to grace this earth have walked the halls of Northwestern University: Dick Gephardt, the drummer from Arcade Fire, the girl from Father of the Bride and Father of the Bride II: Martin Short Is a Crazy Foreign Gay Man!, me. But perhaps my most important and influential fellow alumnus is none other than Stephen Colbert. Colbert returned to campus a few weeks ago to give the university’s commencement speech. Continue reading
It’s painting weather! At long last, you can open those windows so as to avoid inhaling all of those fumes. How wonderful—unless the fumes are what you like. In which case, how do you still have enough brain cells to find this website? We should study your brain for science! Continue reading
I have penis envy. Continue reading
Hello! You must be new here. I bet you’ve never tried online dating before. Of course you haven’t—who is really that desperate? Well, not you. Except now, maybe you’re feeling a little lonely and, after all, everyone uses online dating these days! No shame in it, my friend. So let’s get started.
Perhaps you should mention this right away. Nothing says, “I’m not desperate” like starting off your profile with something meant to emphasize how very Not Desperate you are. There are a few ways to accomplish this:
1) “I’m not really sure how to write one of these profile thingies, so here goes!”
2) “I am new to town and just looking to meet some new people to hang out with! It’s not like I’m here because I can’t get a date because I totally can! People definitely do not think I am weird and socially awkward in person. That is not why I am using an online dating site. What is wrong with you that you think this way? Do you want to meet for drinks later? You have a pretty smile. Just as friends? Oh, okay.”
Next, you are going to want to tell your prospective partners how totally laid-back and down-to-earth you are. No one wants someone who is high-strung! Have you ever heard the bachelor tell the camera how much he adores that girl because she is so high-maintenance and a total space cadet? Obviously not. So please, tell the audience that you are laid back. You enjoy “chilling.” Chillaxing, maybe even, if you are looking for a partner who is down with The Slang! Got the 411 all up in herr! This is perhaps a good place to insert an “LOL” or an emoticon, preferably 🙂 or 😉 but definitely not 😛 because we want to save that wily tongue for at least the fifth date. We are classy like that. I mean, if you were looking for casual sex, you’d use Craigslist, amirite?! No matter that you did try Craigslist and failed to get any responses that did not come from prostitutes or spambots, but it’s not like you’re going to put that in your dating profile. You should probably leave that out.
Next, you need to inform your prospective partner that you love to travel. This makes you sound exotic and exciting, even if you’ve only ever been to Davenport. They have a different kind of grocery store there that is not the Piggly Wiggly so that makes it something of a foreign land. This brings us to eating, which is also an approved topic. You will imply that you will eat pretty much anything, even though in reality you subsist on Diet Coke, fudgesicles and bourbon. You do not want to scare people away by telling them anything that might be remotely close to the truth, after all. This is also a good time to bring up your love of cooking. Well, of course you love cooking! You watch Paula Deen pretty much every day while partaking in a light snack of Apple Jacks interspersed with bong rips. Thus, you have a love of cooking. Note that you have not actually said, “I love to cook and am good at it.” You are therefore not lying. Legalese is your friend.
Now is also not a good time to mention that you live in your parents’ basement and spend your days playing World of Warcraft between shifts at Chick-Fil-A. You should make a vague mention of your job in sales, which you love because you just adore working with people. Again, you’re not exactly lying, and everyone loves a people-lover. There are no antisocial people on dating websites, that’s for sure. And if there are, you definitely want to weed them out.
You should probably take a minute now to go put some more Easy Mac in the microwave and take a little break. We’re getting down to the nitty-gritty and you’re going to need sustenance. Also, your little brother will be home soon and he will probably eat that last packet if you don’t get to it first, and Mom isn’t going grocery shopping for like another four days or something.
I almost forgot; please include that you love sarcasm. Everyone loves a sarcastic bitch/sonofabitch. A dry, mocking voice just has that je ne sais quoi that makes the panties drop. So make sure you throw that one in there. And you have a good sense of humor. Not like all of those other super unfunny people out in Online Dating Land. They are definitely not writing, “I have a sarcastic sense of humor” on their profiles. This is truly virgin ground. Oh, and about that virginity. You should probably write something like, “I’m looking for someone to just hang out with” rather than “please at least give me a hand job—after all, I plan to buy you at least two Miller Lites and that shit ain’t cheap!” Women and men like a little mystery. In this vein, send messages that are one-word only, such as, “Sup.” This is a subtle and effective way to demonstrate your interest, and, generally speaking, bitches be loving the “sup.” It conveys everything and yet, nothing at all. Mystery.
If you want good responses, you have to have a good profile! After all, people primarily read the text that accompanies profiles. They most definitely do not just flip through photos looking for the one girl with tons of eyeliner and pouty duck-lips and conspicuous tattoos and bangs that pretty much cover her face but maybe she kind of looks like Zooey Deschanel from that angle? No, people use online dating because they like to read the text. Which is why you’re here with me, marinating in my sage advice like a chicken cutlet in some ginger and soy sauce. You’ll thank me later.
So this one time I got dumped for Jesus.
Not exactly in a sexy way. Well, I guess it’s possible that this guy was fucking some Latin dude named Jesus, but I find that to be somewhat unlikely—I have totally awesome gaydar! He was cute, funny, and made a shit ton of money. I have never been a very good gold-digger, as I tend to gravitate toward men who think a bed frame is an unnecessary expense and who appear to subsist entirely on ramen noodles and PBR. It did seem, though, that it might be nice for once to not have to be the one buying the Chipotle. Maybe even go to a movie! You know, in a theater! All you really need to know about me can be summed up thusly: I am seduced by the promise of stale popcorn and box springs.
As you might guess, two months later, this gentleman began to perform the Fade Out®. The Fade Out is a trademarked move used primarily by men between the ages of 14 and 60. When employing the Fade Out, the man either slowly reduces the frequency of phone calls, text messages, and Facebook “likes” or, in extreme circumstances, ceases all of these activities immediately until the female on the receiving end does one of three things:
1) Remembers something she maybe once heard about him not being that into her, stops calling, and moves on with her life.
2) Continues to call and text unawares until giving up after one month to several years later and moving on with her life.
3) Becomes increasingly obsessive in correlation to the decreasing frequency of phone calls and text messages, until one night she finds digging through his garbage and peering through his windows, since obviously he must be dead or at the very least stuck under something very heavy because it just DOES NOT MAKE SENSE THAT HE WOULD NOT CALL ME BACK AND OH MY GOD WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME I AM GOING TO DIE ALONE. Sob!
Actually, I lied. There is really only one response that women have to the Fade Out. It’s number 3.
So, dude pulled a Fade Out. I should really not have been surprised by this. This was a man who paid for his Lexus, house and apartment (yes, I’m a whore for popcorn and real estate) working in mergers and acquisitions for a very large healthcare company. One so large, in fact, that it was my healthcare company. Basically, this is the guy who lived solely buy out smaller insurers so that his company could get a bigger market share, driving out competition and doubtlessly contributing directly to exorbitant cost of the $11,000 tonsillectomy that I had soon after we broke up. The one I could have gotten for $20 from a back-alley doctor in Tijuana. I mean, I could have probably done it myself with a pair of scissors, a stapler, and a very large bottle of vodka, but when it comes to my healthcare, I’m all, “Jesus, take the wheel,” you know?
Oh, right, Jesus. So a few weeks after he starts pulling the Fade Out, I gave in and called him (see #3 above). And he answered! My heart fluttered.
And then informed me that he was sorry he hadn’t called. He had been busy at church because he had Found the Lord®. This is a less-used but also trademarked move in which a man claims that Jesus has become his One and Only while in fact he is fucking another redhead. Guy had a thing for gingers, apparently. I know this because I saw it on Facebook, and the Book of Faces never lies.
C’est la vie, I guess. He wasn’t a good, ahem, fit anyway. (Zing!)
I don’t pretend to know why men love this Fade Out technique. I don’t really know a lot about men, despite having three brothers. Like, why do men always need to scratch their balls? What could possibly make them so itchy? Do they have mites or fleas or something? And why do they believe that putting Gold Bond down their boxers is the Best Thing Ever? If I did try to hazard a guess, I would venture that the appeal of the Fade Out probably has something (okay, everything) to do with it being the path of least resistance. You meet a girl, like the girl, sex the girl up, and things are fine but then one night you find her steaming open your mail or drafting Save the Dates two weeks after you met and you figure that perhaps this is not meant to be. Easier than having some kind of talk is just gradually ignoring phone calls and text messages, hoping that the problem will resolve itself.
Men (and women): this is a shitty way to end things. It is also selfish. Okay, sometimes I have done this, too. But that is because I am a selfish person and probably a hypocrite. Be ye not like me.
Now, friends, I do not dare say that this is the worst way to break up with someone. I’m sure you all have been on the receiving end of worse break-up speeches and actions. Even more, I would not be surprised if you all have done some terrible breaking-upping things yourselves. So go ahead, tell me all about it…
It’s that time again. Another day, another fizzled out semi-relationship with a guy who smelled delightfully of cigars and sweetly came up with clever nicknames for me. And so I reactivated my OKCupid profile last week. This got me to thinking about my previous forays into online dating, and I have provided a few select ones here so that you might laugh at me from the comfort of your strong, enduring marriages and partnerships or your basement apartments filled with cats.
I have been on many terrible dates. Punishing dates. But every bad one is an opportunity to learn and do better next time, no? For the Marrieds and Coupled Ups here and various others who have managed to avoid the Seventh Circle of Hell known as match.com, I have provided a list of things that should make you feel infinitely better about yourselves. And for the rest of you who suffer through endless OKCupid emails about your Quiver Matches (isn’t that some kind of Christian superbaby cult?) and messages from people who were never taught about the sanctity of the shift key, I want to give you some pointers and let you to know that you are not alone. Except–wait, you are! Otherwise you would not be online dating.
In any case, here is what I learned from a year of perpetual bad dates:
1. A sex shop is not an acceptable venue for a first date. This gentleman seemed quite promising! He charmed me with his jokes and his South Side Irish strawberry-blond hair. We could have ginger babies! This is my mother’s fondest wish—that I someday produce spawn that will be inevitably haunted by comments from evil 7th grade girls about how oh my God I can’t believe you don’t tan! and drunken twentysomething dudes desperate to know if the curtains match the drapes.
We got along swimmingly. In any case, the subject turned to online dating. If there is one thing I have learned from online dating, it is that men love to talk about the other men that women meet through online dating. I cannot explain this, but virtually every man I have been on a date with has desperately wanted to know what other men who do online dating are like. In any case, I mentioned that one of the first messages I received when I signed up was from a guy who described his love for his Fleshlight in his profile. And this South Side Irish man claimed to have no knowledge of what this “Fleshlight” thing could be, so, being the teacher that I am, I kindly explained it to him. Somehow this explanation led to the mention of a nearby sex toy emporium, which led to joking about visiting this sinful haven of carnal pleasure, which, two very large beers later, turned into an actual trip. Shockingly, this relationship did not work out. If there is one thing that Cosmo didn’t warn me about, it’s that dates that begin in a sex shop rarely end in a meaningful, satisfying relationship.
2. Do not date men who think it is sexy to tell you that they would like to tie you up and rape you in front of your family. It took me far longer than it should have to figure out that this fellow was an unmedicated psychopath. Luckily, after the family-rape comment, I told him that he should perhaps never speak to me again or ever try to contact me or I would report his freaky ass to the police, and he listened. This is also true: he had a tally next to his bed. You know, a tally. On the wall. In Sharpie. He also drank all of the alcohol I had in my apartment–including the mysterious bottle that a friend brought back from China that no one else would touch. Looking back, there were a lot of red flags with this one.
3. Do not judge unless this person totally merits judgment. Get out your gavels, because you are all going to judge me for this. (I am also listening to Coldplay right now. Judge away!) This fellow and I did not speak on the phone before our date, but we exchanged many flirtatious emails. He seemed so nice! Worked in education! We met for a drink, which became two drinks when I realized that he was unable to finish a sentence because of his severe stutter. It seemed terribly unfair to judge someone because of a speech impediment, so I tried my best to ignore it and just focus on what he was saying. This is where this story could take a heartwarming turn, where I learned that it was what was on the inside that counted, not the speech impediment! But this was no after school special. I soon realized that he worked in a part-time job, lived with his parents, and spoke with an inexplicable Jersey accent. And not in a funny/ironic way. In a bad way. A very bad way.
4. Do not be fooled by sexy accents. This sexy British guy had such a sexy British accent! He insisted on adding me as a Facebook friend after a couple of dates, which seemed weird at the time but, hello! Sexy accents cover a multitude of sins! And we discovered that we had the same birthday. It was fate! Except that he was screwing some other girl the whole time he was seeing me. I discovered this when he posted photos from a trip they took together on Facebook. Some people think that a British accent makes you sound smarter. But do not be mistaken: a British accent does not actually make you any smarter. Especially when it comes to things like hiding your ladyfriends from one another on Facebook. In a moment of near-instant karma, a couple of days later, his other girlfriend went snooping through his phone, found text messages from me and dumped his cheating ass.
5. Last but not least, do not meet a man at his apartment on the second date. This guy did improv and (because I was trying very hard not to judge– not all improv actors are self-important and insufferable!) seemed nice at first. We had ice cream. It was okay! He was not too creepy, though his bug eyes did sort of weird me out. I agreed to a second date, and I met him at his place. He answered the door in nothing but a towel. I could not get out of there fast enough.
I have learned a lot of lessons through online dating. Don’t be blinded by accents or the promise of ginger babies! Avoid improv actors at all costs! Don’t go to sex shops on the first date! Wait until at least the third date for that.
I’m sure I missed a few things here. What lessons have you learned from online dating?