Oh, good heavens. Why fight it? This thing looks insane, but nonetheless, Sylvester Stallone’s Social Security program just keeps happening. It’s literally like playing a game of This is Your Life as it pertains to movies. You’re really just wondering when they’ll roll out Rick Moranis or JoBeth Williams from Poltergeist. Evidently until that happens, Stallone will just keep force feeding us 80’s action stars dressed in combat gear and with whatever is keeping Dolph Lundgren’s face alive.
So, the plot of this movie? I would expect it has something to do with taking a harsh look at government with regard to the escalating economic woes of the last three years, wrought with citizen dissatisfaction, and now amidst a turbulent in-coming election season. Yep, that’s exactly what this movie is about OR IT’S ABOUT VARIOUS AND CRAZILY PRESERVED PUTTY-FACED MEN WHO SMOKE CIGARS, SPEAK IN EUPHEMISM, AND SHOOT GUNS USING BICEPS MADE OF AN INTRICATE PULLEY SYSTEM THAT ALSO MONITORS THEIR CHOLESTEROL LEVELS. Six of one. I mean, who’d continue making that second film? One film was probably more than anyone ever need see again. Oh. Wait. Okay, this is the sequel, to that other film, about everything about cigars and guns, but with Chuck Norris.
No, seriously. There’s like daggers in the eyeballs of a golden skull, and more coming out the bottom half so it forms some sort of Home Shopping Network Ginsu Skull in the Shape of an American Eagle collectible lapel pin! It’s so cool. Like a graphic arts nightmare! This is what some kid went to school to do, yep, make crazy, dagger belt-buckles for Sly Stallone and his buddies! Everyone will be wearing this to school with their monkey-hide and crossbow-skull-wristwatch that doubles as an indestructible bank safe.
And then it’s just a bunch of names flashing on the screen, popping out at you like a round of bullets in your eye sockets! STATHAM! LUNDGREN! NORRIS! And Oh, my god, it’s — yes, it’s VAN DAMME, pole-dancing, stripper splits, Van Damme himself, with Bruce Willis, who’s making a killing searching for oatmeal in pseudo-military movies these days, and lastly, Arnold, of the California Schwarzeneggers, shooting a gun, or his baby-making love stick, who knows with Arnold, at the screen.
A disaster, sure, but see it after you’re done with the beer and nachos at uncle Verne’s vasectomy party.
