Welcome, shoppers to the Mall of Project Runway. In the eighth episode of season nine, Heidi brings some menz out on the runway, and the designers cringe. Menswear? Oh noes! We cannot do menswear. Menz don’t have boobies and they have men’s business in their crotchal area, which makes the possibility of “crazy crotch” pants ever so much more likely.
Heidi has the sewtestants choose a mayun, and they take this serious. For reals, they think they’re designing for these men. Ohio Oliver is immediately turrified. He likes his models to be hangers, because they are flat chested, and they are not “fat”. Ohio Oliver… I am disappoint, son.
We move to the workroom and once errybody is all arranged, Tim relents and lets the sewtestants know they’re really designing for the menz’s wives, using input from the menz. Oh Tim, you’re such a trickster. it seems that we’re in the Project Runway Mall. Each designer is in a pretend atelier, designing for a real world client. How did they fare?
Enya: Her client should be on “The Newlywed Game” because he cannot answer one question about his wife. Not a one. Also, Enya picked up Ohio Oliver’s accent and took it to Jamaica.
Bryce: His client wants cutesy plus girly plus elegant. Odd combo. At least mister menz knows his girlfriend wants pink.
Miss Bertina: His menz is focused on his wife’s breasts. At Mood, he selects a fabric that his menz says is “like Death at a Funeral.” I loved that movie. (No, I didn’t.)
Smeagol: He asks his client a very good question — where does your wife shop? His client, a nattily dressed and overly coiffed young man, does not know. Maybe when he and the missus to go the mawul, they split up and do their own shopping?
Gay Ryan Reynolds: GRR struggled with his clients, who wanted a simple dress. No bedazzling, no foo-foo tulle petticoats and twirly pleats and giant medallions and flashing LEDs, this time around.
Colorblind Uniball: His client wants him to recreate a dress he lost… at an airport. How did you lose your wife’s dress at the airport, sir? We get a quick peek at the sketch and it really resembles Cheri Oteri’s uniform from the Ultimate Cheerleaders sketch. At Mood, he picks out an interesting print, but for some reason, he ends up using solid black, red and white.
Ohio Oliver: Really focused on the “ginormous” breasts, which he does not like. Oliver’s pseudo-accent disappeared this episode. Didja notice? At Mood, Oliver asks Tim “What is a Double D bra size?” Tim tells him honey, that is the wrong team. You go, Tim.
Racist Barbie: She’s Barbie™, her client’s Barbie™, so she’s going for Barbie™. Barbie™ Barbie™ Barbie™. At Mood, she picks Barbie™ colors, so she is rocking out the Mattel theme.
Kimberly: Miss Lil Kim was shown consulting with her client in the background of Miss Bertina’s interview, and in the background of Enya’s interview, but we never saw the consult directly. Ooh, secrecy.
Back in the workroom, there’s all kinds of drama drama drama for your mama mama mama. Oliver doesn’t understand why his clients don’t want bland and boring. Bryce says he’s going to make his client’s dress about love, and he doesn’t ever do that, so he’s out of his element. Miss Bertina’s client “motorboats” his mannequin. Gay Ryan Reynolds wants his client’s wife to be drunk by the time she tries on his dress. Smart strategy there, GRR. I think most people need a cocktail before they deal with you.
On the runway, Heidi is wearing a leather skirt from the Patsy Stone “The World’s Your Gynecologist” collection. Guest judge is Malin Ackerman, who receives a lukewarm welcome, because neither the sewtestants or the clients know who she is.
Kimberly, Racist Barbie and Ohio Oliver are middle of the road and safe. Smeagol, Enya and Gay Ryan Reynolds have the highest scores, and Miss Bertina, Bryce and ColorBlind Uniball have the lowest scores.
High scores first! Enya mixes African style with a kimono inspiration. Generally good comments except from Meana Garzilla, who questions the sleeve on the left arm. Gay Ryan Reynolds (rocking a sheer black shirt with cherry blossoms) made a simple dress, which he admits was a big challenge. Again generally good comments, and this time Meana says this dress could work in other colors besides black. You go GRR. Smeagol rocked out a blue sheer top and a gray and yellow skirt and he used my favorite necklace from the PiperLime Accessory Wall™. The only negative comments were that she was over-accessorized, that the purse and sunglasses were too much.
Low scores next! Miss Bertina made a Dress Barn dress that gives his client a fupa. His client loves it, which might save him. The judges agree that it looks too commercial, and they snap on Heidi for her lack of a skirt today. Bryce made a pink wrinkled mess with huge pockets on the thigh. Meana calls out the two million details on the dress, but kindly does not say that none of the details are well done. ColorBlind Uniball tries to explain his cheer leading uniform, which guest judge Malin Ackerman picks up on.
The judges deliberate and the run-down is announced: Enya gets second place, Gay Ryan Reynolds gets the win and Smeagol takes third. Nice round-off behind the runway screen there, GRR! Miss Bertina takes fourth, top of the bottom. It’s down to Colorblind Uniball and Bryce, and the drums keep pounding to the rhythm in your brain, la dee dah de dee, la dee dah de dah. Bryce is out, and Colorblind Uniball takes fifth place. Back to Portlandia with you, Bryce.
Next time on Project Runway: Heidi makes devil signs! Gay Ryan Reynolds calls attention to a crotch. Adam Lambert wonders why he’s on the show!
