I’d just like to say that the best and worst thing about sailing is probably Chris Cross’s 1980 hit Sailing. Because this whole Pirates of the Caribbean thing just makes that look like an exposition of greatness. Yes, the Officer Tom Hanson On A Neverending Boat cycle-of-madness has gone on longer than anyone cares to admit, but here it is, limping through theaters for the fourth time, wheezing, and dry-heaving its way to the box office finish line.
And some of you will probably go see it, won’t you?
Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides
Despite America’s apparent obsession with this movie franchise, the critics have other ideas.
Johnny Depp returns to his iconic role of Captain Jack Sparrow in an action-packed adventure. Crossing paths with the enigmatic Angelica (Penélope Cruz), he’s not sure if it’s love-or if she’s a ruthless con artist who’s using him to find the fabled Fountain of Youth. When she forces him aboard the “Queen Anne’s Revenge,” the ship of the legendary pirate Blackbeard (Ian McShane), Jack finds himself on an unexpected adventure in which he doesn’t know whom to fear more: Blackbeard or Angelica, with whom he shares a mysterious past.
What You Can Expect: Swashbuckling, high-flying antics by a guy whose spin-off movie has taken over the entire franchise! Wasn’t this Jack Sparrow like a quirky co-star in an ensemble movie? I guess now you could never have Pirates of the Caribbean: The Death of Jack Sparrow or Pirates of the Caribbean: Orlando Bloom Would Like Some Money Too or Pirates of the Caribbean: Gilbert Grape Wants To Make Big Boy Movies Now . This thing is like an unstoppable cash register careening through towns pillaging the villagers, raping their pockets, and leaving in its wake a detestable amount of box office scurvy. It seemed in recent reports that Depp may have wanted to move on, but apparently Bruckheimer, given the power by Disney, has worked his magic and now Depp’s slurring a different tune. He now says, “I think they could wheel me in, I could have my dreads get tangled in the wheels of my [wheel] chair,” he jokes. “A character like Capt. Jack, I feel like you could just continue. The possibilities are endless, limitless.” Oh, my, my, Johnny. What has Disney and Bruckheimer done to you? Brainwashing. Sounds to me like someone needs to be eaten by a crocodile named Tick-Tock. It’s time to leave Neverland.
What Could Annoy: The main character and the story are too well-worn, and it’s starting to show its age. The effects, leaps, and stunts bring nothing new to the genre that hasn’t already been trotted out in the last three movies. In addition, Depp is losing his charm and is looking like the guy on a television show two seasons past its much needed end. Critics are wondering how much story is left in this exhausted franchise.
Midnight in Paris
Woody Allen returns to cheers by the critics.
This is a romantic comedy set in Paris about a family that goes there because of business, and two young people who are engaged to be married in the fall have experiences there that change their lives. It’s about a young man’s great love for a city, Paris, and the illusion people have that a life different from theirs would be much better. It stars Owen Wilson, Rachel McAdams, Marion Cotillard, Kathy Bates, Carla Bruni, among others.
What You Can Expect: Hailed as Woody Allen’s finest work in decades. The formerly New York centric filmmaker has branched out in recent years tackling London and Barcelona, and now he brings his light, sunny feel to Paris. The movie is part nostalgia, part travelogue of the great city. Through Owen Wilson’s eyes we are seeing it with familiarity, led by the hand of Allen, who crafts many of his leading men on variations of himself. Told with humor and an unpretentious feel that is right at home with Allen’s style, it’s charming and full of small delights. I’m thinking two of those delights are probably Rachel McAdams and Marion Cotillard whom I adore.
What Could Annoy: Well, Owen Wilson. For me he’s always a bit of a hit or miss. Something about him can come off pompous and asinine, but then, he can give you vulnerable and quiet endearment. I’m not sure if that’s the work of a great actor or one who just kind of stumbles into the right roles by accident. Either way, he charms here. If he’s supposed to be some sort of Woody Allen alter ego, I’m thinking mostly Allen wins out. And speaking of Allen, aren’t we all thrilled that he’s expanding out of the Big Apple? It’s nice to see him embracing the relaxed atmosphere of Europe and sending us all on vacation. It’s turning out not so bad having a Brooklynite for a tour guide, eh?
Indie Pick
Louder Than a Bomb
Wonder if Sarah Palin Would Agree With Critics About These Chicago Youth Poets?
Louder Than a Bomb tells the story of four Chicago high school poetry teams as they prepare to compete in the world’s largest youth slam. By turns hopeful and heartbreaking, the film captures the turbulent lives of these unforgettable kids, exploring the ways writing shapes their world, and vice versa. Louder Than a Bomb is not about “high school poetry” as we often think of it. It’s about language as a joyful release, irrepressibly talented teenagers obsessed with making words dance. While the topics they tackle are often deeply personal, what they put into their poems-and what they get out of them-is universal: the defining work of finding one’s voice.
The Short and Sweet: Before judging what the hearts and minds of inner city youth experience — listening to them first is always a great place to start. Electrifying performances abound and exposure to the kid’s lives as first-hand viewers is something not to be missed. It is said to be life-affirming and certainly not dull.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CUfGUzf5T7w
Indie Tank
Hard Breakers
Critics really don’t even know where to begin…and neither do I.
Driven by a history of dating pitfalls and frustration with men, Alexis and her best friend Lindsay decide to turn the tables and devise a plan to lure unsuspecting men close enough to knock them out and drag them back to their lair for their own satisfaction. When an absent father and an obsessive ex-boyfriend force Alexis to confront her issues with men, the girls’ plan goes awry and Alexis falls head over heels in love with one of her male conquests.
The Short and Sweet: Starring Tom Arnold and Chris Kattan, and some other chicks who I assume are Maxim magazine models or girls who just showed up based on a Craigslist ad. Basically…What? I don’t even…
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qXxVgEtQB9Q
Other Indies Opening This Week
- The Lion of Judah – Animated movie about leading lambs to slaughter…seriously.
- Bloodworth – Kris Kristofferson has decided that Jeff Bridges shouldn’t be the only grizzle dude with a guitar.
- Cost of a Soul – Veterans return home to North Philadelphia and all manner of bad that happens in the City of Brotherly Love
- 35 and Ticking – Men, marriage, and biological clocks i.e. not a date movie.
