Daily Archives: April 15, 2011

15 posts

How to Win at Driving

I love to drive. It is the most un-PC thing about me. You can have my car when you pry my cold, dead hands from the Hello Kitty steering wheel cover. How much do I like to drive? I own a car and I live in New York City, a place that would reduce Jeff Gordon to tears after 20 minutes behind the wheel.

This video has nothing to do with the post, but I have to embed it because I mentioned Jeff Gordon.

OK, back to business. Today I am going to tell you how to win at driving. After reading this post you will understand how to get around faster and easier than pretty much anyone else on the road. It is not hard to reduce the time and frustration on your road trips if you plan ahead and follow a few simple strategies. Why am I an expert? Because I am, shut up and pay attention. I can drive from NYC to DC in 3.25 hours without getting a ticket, causing an accident, or being a jerk to other drivers. Don’t you trust The Grand Inquisitor?

The car in the picture at the top is Candy. She is a 2001 Chevy Malibu. She isn’t much to look at, but she handles like a dream, gets good mileage, and has a zippy little V-6 that will get you up to 105 on the flat, lonely roads of South Dakota. She has faithfully taken me through desert heat and mountain blizzards. She is lower maintenance and more reliable than anyone I have ever dated. Part of the reason she is so reliable is because I take good care of her, and this is the first rule.

Always keep your car well maintained. If you don’t you can forget about getting good performance out of your vehicle, and you may end up in a burning hunk on the side of the road. Take your car to a reputable mechanic and take it to the same shop every time. My car is not exactly a dream ride, but my mechanic knows exactly how she works because he has taken care of her for 3 years. Also, he gives me better pricing because I am a repeat customer. Change your oil, fill your tires, and get tune ups. Otherwise just stay home.

Rule Number Two: Traffic is a team sport. Listen kids, we all want to get there first and win at life, but traffic is more than the sum of its parts. Nothing makes traffic go slower than a single asshole who insists that he (sorry guys, it’s usually a he) is going to go faster than everyone and spends the entire ride weaving in and out of lanes and cutting everyone else off. The point of being a team player in traffic is to optimize traffic flow and reduce congestion. If you keep switching lanes because the person in front of you is going 2 miles an hour slower than you want to, you increase the chance of congestion, which results in everyone having to slow down to 10 fucking miles an hour and I HAVE PLACES TO BE ASSHOLE, SO STOP IT! The reason for this because when you dart in front of someone they typically slow down to give you room to get in the lane. This causes what’s called a shockwave and increases the chance of overall congestion. So science proves that you are a total jerk when you disrupt the flow of traffic. To avoid this pick the lane that is going closest to the speed you want and stay in it. Do not make me get out of the car at the next light and beat you in front of everybody.

Rule Number Three: For fuck’s sake pay attention! We should all know this by now, but we don’t seem to. Put down your cell phone you ass wipe. I don’t even know where to begin with those of you who answer text messages while driving. You probably deserve to be maimed on a lonely stretch of state highway, but you will inevitably hit a bus full of handicapped school kids and kill them to, so I will just remind you how stupid it is to text and drive.

Rule Number Four: If you get pulled over, shut up and take your punishment. Look I love to drive really fast, but it is in fact against the law. If you get busted don’t whine like a little bitch. Give the nice officer what he or she asks for, but otherwise keep your mouth shut. Yes, the other drivers are speeding too, yes, speed limit enforcement is totally arbitrary, and yes, this is going to be expensive for you. However, you were speeding and you got caught. PROTIP: Cooperating with the police when you get pulled over will drastically reduce the chance of you getting a ticket or might get you a cheaper one. I get pulled over all of the time and I have only gotten one moving violation since I owned a car. Why? Because I don’t make life hard for the cop who pulls me over. If you are angry about traffic laws take it up with your State Senator, not the poor bastard who will have to scrape you off the road when you crash going 87 while sexting the new intern at your office.

So that’s it really. It’s just not that hard. Now since you have all paid attention so well I will give you a couple of really awesome driving songs for the next time you take a road trip. See you on the Turnpike.

Dispatches from Canada – Election v. 4.0

So politicians are knocking on our igloo doors up here in the Great White North. Canada is in the midst of our fourth federal election in the last six-and-a-half years. In between have also been provincial elections and municipal elections. Some of us are, oh, just slightly tired of elections.  Fortunately for me, and now for you lucky people, I’m not one of them.

So how did we get to our fourth election, at a cost of $300+ million per election, in the space of seven years? The fact that the populace up here is sharply divided between four political parties (five if you really must count the Green Party) is a good place to start. As a result, since 2004, no one party has controlled a majority of seats in the House of Commons (our equivalent to the House of Representatives in both the US and Australia). Since the parties can’t just get along, every day brings with it the threat that the opposition parties will gang up and collapse the government by denying it the “confidence” of the House of Commons.

Well last month there was, in the immortal words of cocodeveaux, “a government thingy.” This particular government thingy was an unprecedented one – the House of Commons found the government in contempt of Parliament. The opposition parties (Liberal, New Democratic and Bloc Quebecois) decided that the government had lied to the House about the amount of money it was going to cost to buy our new air force (a planned purchase of sixty F-35s) and how much it was going to cost to build enough jails to hold all the prisoners that were going to be in jail with the new sentencing rules that the government put in place. And yes, it turns out; the government was covering up some pretty serious costs.

In Canada, a finding of contempt of Parliament doubles as a motion of no confidence in the government. This means that once the finding of contempt was made, the government lost the confidence of the House, and off went Canada to election numero quatro (or quatre, if you are of the French persuasion), scheduled for May 2.

Of course, the election campaign has roundly ignored the fact that the government fell because it was lying to us all about how much their big-ticket policies were going to cost. It seems that the public stuck its fingers in its collective ears and started humming to itself. The big story in the first few days of the election was all about the Conservatives chosen bogeyman, the prospect of, horrors, a coalition government. Never mind that a coalition government is absolutely allowed by the constitution, and that every other Westminster-style parliament has at some point been run by a coalition government. Like the Mother-of-Parliaments in the UK at the moment. Can’t have people working together or anything like that.

Since then, two main issues have evolved: the ridiculous bubble-boy campaign that the Prime Minister is running, and support for senior citizens.

Continuing his streak of being rabidly controlling, and shutting down what he can’t control, the Prime Minister took to kicking people who might ask him tough questions out of campaign events. The first one was in London, Ontario. The PM’s staff kicked out a university student for no apparent reason. It later turned out that she was kicked out because she had a picture on her facebook page of her with Michael Ignatieff, the leader of the Liberal Party. The second one didn’t get as much press, but the PM’s staff kicked out an advocate for homeless veterans from a campaign event in Halifax. Homeless veterans. Can’t have their issues brought up to the Prime Minister or anything like that. Conservative staffers denied a third man entry to the same event in London, Ontario as the facebook girl because he had a bumper sticker on his car that said “Don’t blame me, I voted NDP”. Heaven forefend that the PM should have to deal with a little dissent.

The other big issue has been aid for senior citizens. Considering that the country seems to be growing rapidly older, crankier and more obsessed with those damn kids on our lawns, this makes good sense. It hasn’t been very exciting though.

There has also been the occasional ethics issue popping up here and there. For example, the Minister of Industry managed to steer $50 million from a fund devoted to improving infrastructure on the Canada-USA border to his riding (riding is what we call districts). The problem? His riding is a four hour drive (in good traffic) from the nearest border crossing. Whoops. And he did it without following any of the established procedures for allocating that money. Uh, double whoops?

A nice juicy addition is that the Prime Minister hired a fraudster to work in the PMO (the Prime Minister’s Office – basically the equivalent to the President’s political staff).  This is someone who has been convicted of fraud not one, not twice but five times.  Getting a second chance is good, I commend giving second chances. When you are on your fifth chance, not so much.

That pretty much brings us up to the debates, which were held on Tuesday and Wednesday nights, one in English and one in French, i.e. one for almost all of the country, and one for Quebec. The English debate was pretty much a snoozer, even for someone as politics obsessed as me, and since I don’t speak French, I didn’t bother with the French debate. The big moment in the first debate was when the PM flat out lied to the people about how the constitution works and how the government is chosen. That was a warm, glowy, moment and I hope he’s proud of himself for taking advantage of the ignorance of the average Canadian on that one.

Now we are into the last two-and-a-half weeks of the campaign.   This should be when it gets interesting. Canadians who have been hitting the snooze button up until now will probably start paying attention. Stay tuned, boys and girls.

The Perfect Red Lip

The perfect red lip color.

It’s the no-hitter of make-up.

Rare and only a few people get ever get to experience its attendant glory.

Not anymore!

 

All strikes!

As a (lazy) disciple of Gwen Stefani’s style and a fan of the Golden Age of Hollywood, I’ve wasted a lot of time and money searching for the perfect red lip color. One that is easy to wear (READ: did not end up on my teeth in 3 minutes), not too costume-y and most importantly, long-wearing.  After extensive testing of dozens of products and numerous (and embarrassing) misses, I have found the perfect red lip color and it’s NOT a lipstick.

Who said crayons are for children?

Tarte LipSurgence in Firey* will give you the perfect red lip. It has the perfect balance of blue undertones that are reminiscent of that perfect Rita Hayworth smile, NOT the Mommy Dearest grimace. It doesn’t require a separate lip liner and if you let it set for a few minutes after applying, it will last through a few drinks without requiring a touch-up.

Added benefit: Because it’s from Tarte it’s actually good for your lips, without sacrificing longevity or intensity. Lipsurgence is paraben, petrochemical, sulfate, synthetic fragrance and phthlates free. It’s also moisturizing and has a slightly minty taste. This is nice because if some individual is brave enough to lean in, knowing they will get a face full of red, they get a little bonus for their daring.

Because it’s a crayon, and not a lipstick, you also have far more control over the intensity of your color. One swipe gives you that “just ate the perfectly colored popsicle stain” a few more swipes and and you get this:

Sneers work best in red.

It goes on matte. If you want to vamp it up a bit you can layer a gloss over it. I like Kiehl’s colorless lip gloss, but Cover Girl works just as well.

I may have worn this to the grocery store.

 

Out of 5 possible Glitter Unicorns Tarte LipSurgence in Firey earns:

 

*The link takes you to Amazon, but please go through the Crasstalk Amazon store to feed the badger!

Question of the Day: Favorite Nonfiction Book

Earlier this week we took a tour of world literature and discussed our favorite classic characters. However, to be honest, The Grand Inquisitor doesn’t read much fiction. She has always been drawn to real life stories and real people, so about 90% of her books are nonfiction. In fact, I have a pile of about 25 books I have been trying to plow through since she finished grad school, with limited success (damn you, Crasstalk). There is just so much interesting stuff in the world and I never enough time to find it all out, and though I love my internet, 10 paragraphs is not enough to explain much. So today, tell me what true stories have fascinated and entertained you.

What is your favorite nonfiction book?

My favorite is easily The Guns of August, by Barbara Tuchman. She is also pretty much my favorite writer. She has a bit of the stuffy Brit lady thing going on, but she still writes in an easy to engage manner. The book is a chronicle of the folly in the first days of World War I. It is a heartbreaking account of how hubris and incompetence led to the death and suffering of millions of people.  This is the edition I have, bought on a whim at a thrift store, but my copy no longer has a front cover because I have read it so many times.

Anyway, I showed you what a nerd I am, so now it is your turn.

Got a suggestion for Question of the Day? Email it to [email protected].