I love to drive. It is the most un-PC thing about me. You can have my car when you pry my cold, dead hands from the Hello Kitty steering wheel cover. How much do I like to drive? I own a car and I live in New York City, a place that would reduce Jeff Gordon to tears after 20 minutes behind the wheel.
This video has nothing to do with the post, but I have to embed it because I mentioned Jeff Gordon.
OK, back to business. Today I am going to tell you how to win at driving. After reading this post you will understand how to get around faster and easier than pretty much anyone else on the road. It is not hard to reduce the time and frustration on your road trips if you plan ahead and follow a few simple strategies. Why am I an expert? Because I am, shut up and pay attention. I can drive from NYC to DC in 3.25 hours without getting a ticket, causing an accident, or being a jerk to other drivers. Don’t you trust The Grand Inquisitor?
The car in the picture at the top is Candy. She is a 2001 Chevy Malibu. She isn’t much to look at, but she handles like a dream, gets good mileage, and has a zippy little V-6 that will get you up to 105 on the flat, lonely roads of South Dakota. She has faithfully taken me through desert heat and mountain blizzards. She is lower maintenance and more reliable than anyone I have ever dated. Part of the reason she is so reliable is because I take good care of her, and this is the first rule.
Always keep your car well maintained. If you don’t you can forget about getting good performance out of your vehicle, and you may end up in a burning hunk on the side of the road. Take your car to a reputable mechanic and take it to the same shop every time. My car is not exactly a dream ride, but my mechanic knows exactly how she works because he has taken care of her for 3 years. Also, he gives me better pricing because I am a repeat customer. Change your oil, fill your tires, and get tune ups. Otherwise just stay home.
Rule Number Two: Traffic is a team sport. Listen kids, we all want to get there first and win at life, but traffic is more than the sum of its parts. Nothing makes traffic go slower than a single asshole who insists that he (sorry guys, it’s usually a he) is going to go faster than everyone and spends the entire ride weaving in and out of lanes and cutting everyone else off. The point of being a team player in traffic is to optimize traffic flow and reduce congestion. If you keep switching lanes because the person in front of you is going 2 miles an hour slower than you want to, you increase the chance of congestion, which results in everyone having to slow down to 10 fucking miles an hour and I HAVE PLACES TO BE ASSHOLE, SO STOP IT! The reason for this because when you dart in front of someone they typically slow down to give you room to get in the lane. This causes what’s called a shockwave and increases the chance of overall congestion. So science proves that you are a total jerk when you disrupt the flow of traffic. To avoid this pick the lane that is going closest to the speed you want and stay in it. Do not make me get out of the car at the next light and beat you in front of everybody.
Rule Number Three: For fuck’s sake pay attention! We should all know this by now, but we don’t seem to. Put down your cell phone you ass wipe. I don’t even know where to begin with those of you who answer text messages while driving. You probably deserve to be maimed on a lonely stretch of state highway, but you will inevitably hit a bus full of handicapped school kids and kill them to, so I will just remind you how stupid it is to text and drive.
Rule Number Four: If you get pulled over, shut up and take your punishment. Look I love to drive really fast, but it is in fact against the law. If you get busted don’t whine like a little bitch. Give the nice officer what he or she asks for, but otherwise keep your mouth shut. Yes, the other drivers are speeding too, yes, speed limit enforcement is totally arbitrary, and yes, this is going to be expensive for you. However, you were speeding and you got caught. PROTIP: Cooperating with the police when you get pulled over will drastically reduce the chance of you getting a ticket or might get you a cheaper one. I get pulled over all of the time and I have only gotten one moving violation since I owned a car. Why? Because I don’t make life hard for the cop who pulls me over. If you are angry about traffic laws take it up with your State Senator, not the poor bastard who will have to scrape you off the road when you crash going 87 while sexting the new intern at your office.
So that’s it really. It’s just not that hard. Now since you have all paid attention so well I will give you a couple of really awesome driving songs for the next time you take a road trip. See you on the Turnpike.
