Daily Archives: March 2, 2011

20 posts

Scott Walker Hasn’t Forgotten About the Children; He’ll Break Them, Too

Koch brothers’ hype man Scott Walker laid bare the full of his budget proposal yesterday.  In it, he called for nearly $1B in cuts to public school funding, while ensuring that local districts wouldn’t be able to spuriously find a way to close the gap he’s creating. How? By inserting a provision requiring districts to reduce their property tax authority.  It’s assumed that Walker will soon legislate a bully and a pickpocket into each municipal school, in order to extract additional funds directly out of kids’ pockets.

Fear not, though, fair Wisconsin residents!  Walker didn’t just take his chain saw to the expense side of the ledger.  No, no, not at all.  He also looked for ways to trim up the budget from the revenue side, asking for an estimated $82M in tax cuts, much of that coming from capital gains realized on investments in ‘Wisconsin based businesses’.  Wait, you mean cutting more revenue will only further impact the ability of the state to shore up it’s budget issues by forcing even more spending cuts?  Well done, high school accounting students! Your classes just landed on Scott Walker’s chopping block!

Further, let’s assume that power plants, the kind that Walker wants to privatize and sell off (without bids!) as part of his larger plan, would qualify as ‘Wisconsin based businesses.’   But remember, the Koch’s aren’t interested in those power plants.  Nope, never. Ignore the fact that their own website, under ‘Industry Areas’ lists ‘supply energy to communities to heat and cool buildings’ in the first sentence highlighting their offerings.

Walker is also touting cuts to cities and counties in his budget, just so they don”t feel left out as Walker machetes his way through what’s left of the middle class.

In case you happened to catch yourself feeling bad for Walker, don’t worry, he’s still got folks on his side. In spite of the poll numbers indicating that support for him is waning, Americans for Prosperity is putting together a ‘Stand Against Spending. Stand With Walker’ bus tour this very weekend!.

I don’t need to tell you who the primary backers of AFP are.

In short, Scott Walker is Flava Flav, if Flava Flav ever worked for Don King.

The Best Video Game Music You’ve Never Heard

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With the recent success of the PLAY! concert series and a Grammy win for Civilization IV’s theme song “Baba Yetu“, it would seem that video game soundtracks are finally beginning to be taken seriously as music. But whether this heralds an era where video games themselves are considered a legitimate artistic medium on par with film remains to be seen. After all, the pieces of video game music that have received the most attention so far have been the classical and New Age-style compositions of Civilization and Final Fantasy rather than the iconic looping synthesized tracks that have long been admired by video game nerds, spawned countless remixes, and influenced and inspired various music subgenres.

It is the firm belief that these are just as deserving of recognition that inspired me to create this list. And while it would be pretty easy to throw together a list of the most well-known and acclaimed pieces, I wanted to highlight some amazing tracks you may not have heard from some rather obscure games, lesser-known sequels to classics, and Japan-only exclusives. In the spirit of my own generational prejudices, I’ve also attempted to limit the list to games from the nineties. Some of these games are great, others are laughable, but all of them are rockin’.

*****

10. Captain Commando: Enemy Spaceship

Conceived as a brilliantly cheesy homage to classic pulp sci-fi and B-movies, this Capcom beat-em-up featured a mummy, a ninja, a mecha-piloting baby, and the titular Captain fighting hordes of scuba divers, aliens, cross-dressing samurai, mad scientists, and fire-breathing homeless people. This invigorating track follows the common trend at the time of video game composers mimicking the sounds of progressive rock and 80’s metal, which is a pretty good fit for walking down the city streets and beating the crap out of everything you see.

9. Skyblazer: Storm Fortress of Kh’lar

Aside from being one of the best games on the Super NES that no one played, this criminally overlooked action-RPG was one of the few games of the time to utilize a Middle-Eastern motif, which made for some amazing boss monsters and a uniquely beautiful score, particularly here and in the end credits.

8. Alisia Dragoon: Stage 1

This beautifully designed game was animated by a little studio called Gainax, later responsible for a little series called Neon Genesis Evangelion. Although the repetitive and limited arcade-style gameplay didn’t quite live up to the quality of the art, ethereal fantasy-themed tracks such as this one did wonders for the game’s atmosphere.

7. The King of Dragons: Cave of Hydra

The music in this completely cliched and thoroughly enjoyable fantasy hack-and-slash is exactly what you’d expect, which is to say it’s awesome medieval-style fanfare that will make you want to draw your sword and charge forth into battle.

6. Gourmet Sentai Bara Yarou: EXBunny

In this bizarre game that only the Japanese could make, an odd assortment of flamboyant villains has taken over the world’s food supply, and you must defeat their hordes of walking light bulbs and giant heads that sneeze on you in order to obtain ingredients that you will then give to your robot cook to turn into delicious meals. Here I am fighting a playboy bunny that turns into a power ranger that turns into a giant tanuki, complete with giant testicles, all set to a keyboard-laden speed metal soundtrack. There isn’t much more I can say about this.

5. Eternal Champions: Character Bios

Some of you may recognize this track as the one sampled by a certain Bone Thugs-n-Harmony in their song “Eternal“. In fact, they loved this game so much that they sampled another track from it for the more well-known “Crossroads“. Not only was Eternal Champions chock full of great tunes, but it boasted a great storyline, unique characters, a complex fighting system, and a Sega CD remake with gruesome fatalities that made Mortal Kombat look like Sesame Street.

4. Streets of Rage 3: Yamato

While the first two Streets of Rage games are considered Sega classics, few cared for this final installment, released late in the 16-bit era and lacking the stylish spark of its predecessors despite having superior graphics and a wider variety of moves. One of the main targets of criticism was acclaimed composer Yuzo Koshiro’s decision to shift to a more aggressive electronic industrial sound rather than the upbeat and melodic club disco tracks that had made the first two games so memorable. Nevertheless, there are a few gems in here, such as this killer Japanese-flavored techno track that serves as the theme for one of the game’s most annoying bosses.

3. Segagaga: Final Battle, Part 2

If you so much as think about making a Lady Gaga joke, I will end this article right now. I’m not kidding.

A strangely prophetic game released in Japan shortly before the Sega Dreamcast’s unfortunate demise, this simulation RPG has the player attempt to guide a failing Sega Corporation back to market dominance, though I’m not sure why that would involve blasting your own company’s gaming systems. Anyway, this sweeping neoclassical metal track was originally written for the cancelled Dreamcast release of Thunderforce VI, later released on the PS2. Listen to this every morning when getting out of bed and be inspired by the notion that even if you fail in your endeavors, you probably won’t fail as badly as Sega’s last two consoles.

2. Guardians/Denjin Makai 2: Stages 1 and 2

Both the best and most obscure game on the list, this stylish mid-nineties arcade beat-em-up boasted seven selectable characters and more combos and special moves than any fighting game of the time. The stage 1 and stage 2 BGMs at 0:14 and 3:35, respectively, perfectly complement the insanely fast-paced futuristic anime-style gameplay with dueling guitar harmonies and wailing crescendos.

1. Golden Axe 2: Boss Theme

Though this console-only sequel failed to attain the classic status of its predecessor, it was an improvement in almost every sense, including the soundtrack. This hair-raising boss music will immediately make you dread the coming battle. The only drawback is that they will probably never make a boss epic enough to deserve this dramatic an introduction.

*****

Well, that’s it. I hope you enjoyed reading this list as much as I enjoyed making it. Just remember – no matter how good these tracks are on their own, they are almost always better combined with the sounds of you kicking the enemy’s ass.

Sheen It: A Retrospective

Sue me. I can’t stop watching Charlie Sheen clips. I can’t help myself from clicking on clip after clip of Sheen’s now-infamous interviews with ABC’s Good Morning America. Like this. And this. And, oh heaven help me, this, from 20/20.

Watching a celebrity self-destruct in real time has become a bit of blood sport in our tabloid-frenzied culture. Even WebMD is in on the action. We are transfixed by the train wreck, by the tragedy of witnessing potential unfulfilled, opportunity squandered, and the pitfalls of privilege.

Sheen’s various interviews to media outlets (ABC, CNN, Radar Online, among others) have generated a lot of buzz, but people have been talking about Charlie Sheen’s bad behavior for a long time. Sheen’s drug, gambling, and sex addictions have been high-larious fodder for more than a decade. Here’s a flashback to a November 2000 episode of “Who Wants to be a Millionaire,” featuring a chubby Drew Carey, a thin Alec Baldwin, and knowing laughter with Reg over Sheen’s troubles.

Many celebs, world-weary and drug-wise themselves, take the “he’s an adult, it’s his life” stance, including recovering addict (and Mel Gibson defender) Robert Downey, Jr.

As I was looking at clips of Sheen’s media blitzkrieg, I couldn’t help remembering the early days of Charlie Sheen, when he was the youngest addition to a roster of hot young Hollywood stars including Johnny Depp, Rob Lowe, and the Coreys. Too young to belong to the Brat Pack with his brother, Emilio Estevez, Sheen stepped out of the shadows of his famous acting family in iconic roles in “Lucas,” “Platoon,” and “Wall Street.” My girlhood crush on Charlie Sheen evaporated sometime around 1990, long before his current troubles, but about the time his film career took an unfortunate turn. I’m guessing “Hot Shots” happened when his need for hookers and blow took over as his primary vocation. This little primer on the glory days of Charlie Sheen is for the young readers who’ve only known the cranked up, Hawaiian shirt wearing, wife beating, piece of shite we see before us now.

Early in his career, Sheen racked up a series of strong roles in great films (and if you say 1984’s “Red Dawn” isn’t a great film, we’re fighting).

Here’s how I’d like to remember Sheen (and Corey Haim, for that matter, on the banana seat bike). In 1986’s “Lucas,” he plays a classic clean-cut jock with a soft side. Part of Sheen’s charm in those heady early days was his apparent effortlessness on film.

He won acclaim for his role in Oliver Stone’s “Platoon” (1986) and worked with Stone again in a lead role as Bud Fox, a wanna-be player striving for the finer things in life in “Wall Street” (1987).

Sheen continued work in 80s classics, including “Young Guns,” “Eight Men Out,” and “Navy Seals,” churning out over 20 movies before the end of the decade. The 1990s marked a turn in his career, from dramas to comedies.

So was Sheen ever funny? If you’ve somehow watched his television show (let’s pretend you haven’t), that is a legitimate question. He told CNN’s Piers Morgan that he is able to make Two and a Half Men so damn funny because he lives such a crazed lifestyle. Everyone on it says knows coke makes you funnier. Here’s a clip from “Major League II.” Decide for yourself.

Perhaps you like your comedy a little less subtle, in which case I recommend the 1993 vintage “Hot Shots! Part Deux.”

His appearance in “Loaded Weapon” (also 1993) was mercifully brief.

It only gets worse from there, except for a small cameo in “Being John Malkovich” (1999).

By this time, Sheen’s film career was essentially over as he transitioned to television, starring in Spin City in the early 2000s as a replacement for the ailing Michael J. Fox. For me, his best and most prophetic work was in “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off,” with Jennifer Grey’s old nose.

And now you’ve Sheen It. Go work on winning.

Spirituality Corner: God, the Devil and the Void

“I believe that we are all spiritual beings having a human experience, and not the other way around.” —  This is the fourth Spirituality Corner post in an ongoing series.

 

This post begins with the prologue to a novel I wrote in 2005 called We Are Stardust. It’s the story of a psychic who discovers via her visions that the Antichrist is the President of the United States.  The President is equally psychic, and the two of them get locked in a battle of wills that sometimes is more of a tango of divine adversaries.  I’m using this prologue as the starting point of a dialogue I’d like to open up, regarding (as the title says) God, the Devil and the Void.  (The “Void” part is designed to let atheists and agnostics know that they are most welcome in this discussion.)

*

“Little children, it is the last time:  and as ye have heard that antichrist shall come, even now are there many antichrists; whereby we know that it is the last time.”   (1 John 3:18)

 

According to Christian prophecies of the End Times, the Antichrist in human form will function as Satan’s second in command during the apocalypse.  It is widely assumed that he will ascend to a position of great worldly power through his promise of peace in a volatile era.  Like his immediate superior, Lucifer/Satan, the Antichrist is frequently depicted as someone of infallible personal charisma.

 

Contrary to unrelenting dramatic portrayals in popular culture, the Antichrist will not arrive bearing the countenance of a maleficent, horned demon.  Instead, since he is the shadow realm’s reverse doppelganger of Christ, he will incarnate fully prepared to emulate convincingly the hallowed, human qualities of Jesus Himself.  Using a wealth of Christian aphorisms and references, the Antichrist will deliberately lead all but the most perceptive of his followers down the path of wickedness.

 

The term ‘Antichrist’ may also be associated with a collective or collaborative energy:  dark forces or forces of evil. These malevolent influences fulfill an essential purpose in the cycles of creation.  Corresponding to spirit collapsing into matter, they epitomize the proverbial fall from grace.  The dark forces prevent humanity from rising up towards the exaltation of spirit, symbolized by the idea of ascension into heaven.

 

This spellbinding drama of Good versus Evil is universal.  Throughout the ages, it has inspired some truly great theatrical performances (e.g., the collective works of William Shakespeare), as well as enduring philosophical debate, bewildering political diatribe and trite blockbuster action films that range in quality from abysmal to mediocre.

 

People who believe in the concept of Heaven endeavor to identify themselves with the principle of good. However, there are others without a moral or religious bias.  While not condoning evil deeds or evildoers, these individuals’ inquisitiveness may predispose them to seek an objective comprehension of the motivations of evil actions.

 

Rejecting the concept of sinners consigned to Hell, these free thinkers subscribe to the belief that contrition and forgiveness are every human being’s birthright.  They are the disciples of a radically extremist notion that preceded formal Christianity:  the kingdom of heaven is within you – a quote widely attributed to the rebel Jesus.

 

Although good and evil are often considered polar opposites, more precisely, they are counterparts: the existence of one validates the other.   Creation’s full spectrum unfolds in a cyclical synthesis of light and dark; life and death; heaven and hell; good and evil… each individual pair designed in perfect complement of each other.


 

Regardless of whether you believe in God, the Devil, or/and the Void, you most likely have empirical opinions about other absolutes: life and death, light and darkness, good and evil, love and hate/indifference, truth and deception, etc.

 

I believe that life is never black and white: it is varying shades of grey, and all polarities in manifestation.  So while there may be a need for religious people to believe in an absolute good (God, heaven) and an absolute evil (Satan, hell), non-religious people may view the world through a completely different prism.  To them, the concept that all we are is stardust, free-floating in the void, makes rational sense.  As someone who believes in God but has never been a member of any religion, I find that I am often standing in the balance between these two worlds.

 

Witnessing the agony, turmoil, brutality, hatred and hopelessness that seem to be omnipresent, I have frequently questioned how any all-powerful creator could ever allow this.  But witnessing the stark nihilism of some – very far from all, I must emphasize – non-believers seems equally nonsensical to me.  For me, the middle ground is accepting my human insignificance while embracing the blessing of my human experience.  I am fascinated to discuss spiritual subjects with people on every point of the spectrum of belief, because I want to understand what brings people to believe what they do.

 

What I’d like to know in the comments – in addition to any critique regarding this post – is:

  • What are your beliefs regarding the concepts of God, the Devil and the Void?
  • How have your current beliefs been influenced by the inculcation of parents, teachers, clergy, etc. in childhood?
  • What other spiritual influences shape these beliefs in these “ultimate” themes?

 

The Meaning of Life

Hollywood Heartbreak: You Again?!

Great. The Oscars are over. The uninspiring, extremely predicable, “every movie everyone said was going to win…did!” big award show is done. So after all the pomp and circumstance with Melissa Leo’s totally affected wacky-for-wacky sake acceptance speech, Portman’s unsurprised reaction, and Colin’s barely registering stone-faced joy, do you feel any better today about movies than you did a year ago having witnessed Hollywood’s big night? I didn’t think so.

We’re currently 60 days into the New Year, and Justin Bieber’s movie Never Say Never is among the best reviewed movies of 2011 so far. Blitzkrieg by the Bieb! I’d like to say that if this is the best Hollywood can do, why even try? But honestly, you can’t blame the Biebs. His movie success is just the result of what seems like the laziest time in cinema history, ever. So much so, Nick Cage snuck in last week with a movie about a baby, a lady, and driving crazy, and it barely caused the gag reflex to flare. Seriously. It’s gotten to the point where Nick Cage can do that thing, with that thing on his head, and that permanent confused scowl on his face, and we shrug our shoulders because there are like fifteen similarly bad movies currently onscreen right now. There’s no reason to single out Nick Cage. And if you can’t single out Nick Cage then we’re mostly doomed. Don’t believe me? Take a gander at the current box office numbers.

But assigning blame is hard. Is it the movie execs? Are they so obtuse that they just assume, “Ha-ha, Nick Cage and Adam Sandler, the two top movie stars of all time, THEY ARE AUTOMATIC GREENLIGHT MATERIAL!” Yes, I think that’s it, because apparently they believe what we need is the following:


Die Hard 5: 20th Century Fox is going ahead with this idea, because Bruce Willis still thinks we care about Hudson Hawk! No, really, why is he doing this? We’ll never know. It appears once you say “Yippee-Kay-Ay Motherfucker!” once or twice, the need arises to say it again periodically like the need to change an air filter or something. I just imagine Bruce sitting at home and in the distance some alarm goes off that lets him know that he must say those exact words or a man will lose a hand inside a painting, or a zombie Hans Gruber will come back looking for a mustache trimmer, and a bleary-eyed Willis, hopped up on pudding and grabbing for his Rockports, will just start screaming,”Yippee-Kay-Ay Motherfucker!” Yippee-Kay-Ay!” Yes? Yes. But, what we really need to ask ourselves is what youngish star will debase himself as the comedic element in this well-worn shoe heel? Because you can’t just have a frantic Willis trying to stop terrorists by himself. Some twitchy nerd has to forget the important key codes while the Willis gargle-talks about something not happening on his watch. And just in case you weren’t sure of the direction of this film, Skip Woods writer of Swordfish and Hitman, and who also co-wrote The A-Team and X-Men Origins: Wolverine, will be on board as writer here…so basically it will be hot garbage.

 

Firestarter: Since they’re running out of Science-Fiction movies from the 1980’s to remake, Firestarter is next up. And just why not? We haven’t been quite inundated with supernatural kids yet, right? Oh, wait, there’s going to be a whole X-Men thing happening pretty soon won’t it? Then there’s some sort of Sucker Punch movie, and that awful thing about being Number Four. Okay, well, nevermind. Onward Hollywood! Kids with the powerrrrsss are next in line to be destroyed with suck! Seriously, though, this was a great little film starring an enigmatic eight year-old Drew Barrymore as the pyrokinetic Charley, and David Keith as her mutant nose-bleed father. I pretty much like it as is. But Universal says they’re developing this remake to take advantage of “recent visual effects advances” so that the “main character [will] be reinvented with a little more edge.” I’m guessing the original didn’t have enough computer generated explosions, or 3D lead spikes flying out of the screen. So now I assume (Elle Fanning?) can make all the cars go boom in an edgy way, whatever that means, because well, Dakota is just too old to be a fire-wielding cherub since she’s a red-eyed, sparkly-faced, vampire gnome person, and 2D is for unevolved Old Gawker peasants. Obviously Universal has hired Nick Denton as their creative director.

 

Soapdish: Well, here’s an idea! No, this is not an idea. I really can’t fathom a reason why someone would want to remake Soapdish. It was a mostly meh kind of zone-out movie to start with. Set in the early 1990’s, and starring a very shrill Sally Field, a between benders Robert Downey Jr., and Whoopi Goldberg just because. Mostly this thing was like a strip-mall movie! Something you go to see on a Sunday when you’re done your yearly shopping at Sears for new underwear. And really, why now? Are there even any soap operas left on television? (Yes, yes, I can hear James Franco yelling some stoner-garble from the NYU rafters.) So I guess the decline of the soap opera as opera could be a premise for this silly reboot, but I just don’t think many of us need another slapstick film that seems like a perfect vehicle for Kevin James. Soapdish will be written by actor-turned-writer Ben Schwartz, responsible for several episodes of Robot Chicken and who also won an Emmy in 2009 for writing Hugh Jackman’s Academy Awards monologue. Quite a résumé! No, really, James will need Bear Claws at the craft services table.

 

Choose Your Own Adventure: I loved these books, didn’t you? There was nothing better in grade school then reading one of these with a box of Nerds candy, right? They were super duper awesome! Now Hollywood thinks it’s ready for the big screen. Well, what! How will this even work? Is there a way for the viewing public to make decisions about movies while they’re watching them that I don’t know about? Well, hell, if that’s the case I would have said, “No, no, make Natalie Portman die sooner! What the hell is with that mattress? Let’s push that stupid dead swan bird off a fucking cliff!” So, yes, uh, I don’t think this technology is available yet. So that defeats the whole purpose, eh? How am I supposed to be interactive if there are no options? Well, new movie production company, Red Crown, believes that perhaps they can do it like the 1985 Comedy Clue, which based on the board game, gave each theater a different ending out of several possibilities. Um, okay. You know what, though? AL GORE HADN’T INVENTED THE INTERNET IN 1985! So I’m thinking that once all the endings are shown for the first time some dingus will hit up his fooozebooks account and say, “Wow, that was sweet! The pirate goes into the cave, finds the treasure, and then attempts to steal the princess, but he’s foiled by Gawain the bawdy hero, but not in the other three versions. The total opposite of that happens in the other versions, which I have seen and will tell you about, FIRST1111!!!!”

Yeah, so I dunno Red Crown, I see problems in the offing. And well, I think Tim Curry is probably too old to run around another old mansion telling four different stories. Producer Daniela Taplin Lundberg has signed on and judging from the success of her Golden Globe-winning movie The Kids Are All Right, I expect Choose Your Own Adventure (working title, I hope) to be a bit angsty but smirky and full of lesbians, so there’s that.

Hollywood Redemption?

Gypsy: So it’s rumored that La Streisand could come on board and play Mama Rose in a remake of Gypsy. Now, I don’t find this to be the worst idea in the world. While I don’t think anyone can top Rosalind Russell’s performance in the 1962 film, (If you have not seen this version you simply must, and while you’re at it, watch Russell in Auntie Mame…simply glorious.) I like Streisand when she’s being her musically comical self, not so much when she’s Fockering her Focker. I enjoyed her films back in the day, and think she’d do a formidable job as Rose. I have a feeling seeing Patti LuPone in the role could change my mind, but well for now that’s not the rumor. Sucks for Lupone, because I’m sure unlike the Producers, her turn onscreen could probably be a great thing for modern Broadway transforming into cinema.

However, the fly in this Gypsy ointment will probably be Lea Michele. There is no way on the whole of this planet that Lea Michele wouldn’t take the lives of fifteen goats and nine honey badgers to play Streisand’s striptease daughter Gypsy Rose Lee in this movie, and then we’ll be subjected to what could be the most saccharine, ear-splittingly over the top performance since Nathan Lane last appeared anywhere. And I’m not mentioning Burlesque as a similar medium unless it’s to say that Stanley Tucci would make a terrific Herbie in Gypsy, because he’s fantabulous.

Les Misérables: I adore this story. And the rumor mill is pounding with news that director Tom Hooper of The King’s Speech, would like to remake Les Misérables. Yes, yes, it’s been successful onstage and on film — the most recent film version — 1998’s offering starring Liam Neeson as Jean Valjean and Geoffrey Rush as Javert. Sure 1998 wasn’t all that long ago, but it’s a great story that could use updating if done well. They should erase the participation of Uma Thurman and Claire Danes (Just Ugh!) for instance, and draw the characters of Fantine and Cossette a bit better with a couple of the stellar up and coming actresses on the horizon right now — Michelle Williams, Jennifer Lawrence, you get the picture. That would be a solid improvement. And well, Neeson and Rush are large shoes to fill, but I’m guessing Christian Bale would give one of ’em a shot. Sigh.

Speaking of which, what has happened to Liam Neeson? Why is he now doing one word action thrillers? Taken! Unknown! This seems silly for an actor of his caliber. Leave this to Gerard Butler, he has nothing left to salvage. Nonetheless, I’m throwing my support behind Les Mis, unless they do something stupid and try and modernize it with Miley Cyrus and Channing Steakum Dancepants…then well, I’ll throw myself into La Seine. End scene.

 

Superman Rebooted Reboot News: Kevin Costner may be in this. Speculation lends itself to Costner playing Jonathan Kent, which I can see. He’s of the right age now, what with his ruddiness and gruff exterior, and he’s not really knocking ’em out of the ballpark like he once did movie wise, so Costner kinda needs a good anchoring, yet high profile role. Why not start with being the adopted daddy for the son of Jor-El? This is a good thing because I’m not sure we really wanted to know what new contraptions he’s built for his urine since the 1990’s. But hey, I guess he used it to help with the BP oil spill so there’s that and Dances with Wolves for forever! Go Costner!

That’s it for this week, kids! Mostly things still suck, but if you like old-timey things then there’s hope. If you don’t, well, Michael Bay is releasing a movie about fart-making robots, their stuttering Monchichi human companion, and any number of equally awful and irascible dumb things that explode and give you migraines! Go read a book.

The Amazing Race: There Are No Steakhouses In The Outback

And we’re back! Sorry for the delay again…Oscar night, etc.  Anyhoo, all eleven of our favorite/hated teams picked up where they left off–on the beaches of Sydney, Australia. Notably, our beloved Cowboys were still struggling with their magical decoder compass while The “Couple” received their next clue.

All of the teams (except the Cowboys) headed back to the city center where they had to figure out that the clue “To Sail To Stop” was an anchor in the middle of a town square.  Mel was pooped from the last few tasks and looked about as close to “done” as Ronnie and Sammie ever got. Oh sorry, wrong recap. Not wanting to let his son down, Mel pulled it together as Mike proclaimed “I don’t want to kill you!” and they bumbled through the rest of the task. It was sort of sweet and I want to root for Mel and Mike because they seem like piles of awesome, but honestly, he’s old and this is a physical race so I do not expect them to stick around much longer.

The task itself was boring and entailed asking a bunch of locals and/or Googling the phrase on a borrowed computer. Once everyone (except for the Cowboys) reached the anchor, they had to sign up for one of two flights.  Some Guys, The Sisters Who Peed In China, The Deaf Kid And His Umbilical Cord, and Mel and Mike were on the first flight, while the Globetrotters, Old Yeller (that’s Ron and Christina, more on them later), Father/Daughter, Some Guy and Some Girl, and finally bringing up the rear The Cowboys made it onto the second flight.

Oh you want to know where the flight took them? To the Outback (Steakhouse). The detour was uneventful because all of the teams chose to recreate an aboriginal pattern out of rocks and dirt and do a little dance-y dance on top of it. But then something magical happened. Some Guy and Some Girl were U-Turned and had to do the other task as well. That task? Taking a swig of ink and spraying it out of your mouth to make stencil art.  Mmm hmm. Human spray paint. It dribbled, it oozed, it splattered, and it unfortunately was water soluble so did not stain their mouths like I had hoped.

With all of the rocks arranged and the spray paint spittled, all of the teams were off to a football (aka “soccer”) stadium where they had to change into the traditional native garb, kangaroo outfits with bouncy feet. As the Cheerleaders demonstrated, it is physically impossible to look hot in a kangaroo costume. If I was the parent of a teenaged daughter, I would require her to wear a kangaroo costume at all times. Yes, I know, this might make her a furry, but still, it’s gotta be better than having her walk around with “Juicy” on her ass.

Okay back to the task. Apparently all streets leading to Outback Steakhouse are named after the elements on the periodic table, none of which I can name because there was no Schoolhouse Rock on the subject. The teams received a copy of the periodic table with two elements highlighted–Hg (mercury) and Bi (bismuth). Teams had to figure out what the elements were and that they were supposed to go to the intersection of Mercury Street and Bismuth Avenue. And remember–they had to do all of this sproinging along in bouncy kangaroo costumes.

Hop hop hop, bounce bounce bounce, one hilarious face-plant by the Umbilical Cord, and most of the teams found the clue which sent them to the pit stop at an old mine. Three teams brought up the rear–Old Yeller, Father/Daughter, and Some Guy and Some Girl. Father/Daughter and Old Yeller worked together, but Old Yeller was suspicious of Father/Daughter because they seemed erratic and just wanted to bounce on off without stopping to think and ponder and mull. So Father/Daughter hopped on over to the pit stop while Old Yeller did what he does best–yelling at his daughter for being wrong, for not being good enough, for not trying hard enough, for not being more like her older brother who he always loved more.

Despite his poor parenting skills, Old Yeller made it to the pit stop. That left Some Guy and Some Girl as the first team eliminated. It was nice not really knowing you Some Guy and Some Girl.

It looks like the teams are off to Japan next week which should be fun because hello language barrier! So what did you think of this episode? Do you want bouncy ‘roo shoes as much as I do? Has any team worked your last nerve yet?

Hump Day: Try and Behave

Here is your naughty thread. Behave and don’t post any nips, vag, or penii. Please.
Now, on to the hotness. This is Paul Dinello. I think he is beautiful. If you don’t you a complete jack ass.

Here is some of his best work. Caution: weed reference.

Funny is sexy, always.

Tuesday Sleepy Time Thread

Well, it’s about time to turn in (unless you are part of Crasstalk EU, then get a pint for me). Hope you had a wonderful day. Get some sleep, we have a big day tomorrow.

A special thanks to all of you. The last two days have been the busiest on Crasstalk ever. It has been an honor to serve with you.