Did you miss me? Sorry to miss you on Wednesday, but I was down with a bout of food poisoning. That’ll teach ME to eat things that haven’t been deep-fried.
No, seriously, nothing can live through deep-frying. FACT. If you eat only deep-fried foods, you will not die of food poisoning, I promise. You will, however, need a larger coffin than if you eat only salads.
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Your Crass gossip roundup for Monday includes a few stories that broke over the weekend.
Photos courtesy of digitalART2, and David Shankbone [1] [2].
This has been an ugly, scary week in the real world. Let’s avoid thinking about it all for a few minutes by looking at ugly, scary people.
A wedding, a peen, potential rehab, crying over boobs, spurs, and daddy’s media meltdown! Well, it must be Wednesday’s gossip, chock full of despair and body parts. Cover yourselves up, for goodness sakes.
1) So instead of Stifler’s mom, maybe it was Stifler’s bong? American Pie star Seann William Scott entered a treatment center on Tuesday for “health and personal reasons,” which sounds a lot like “exhaustion,” or “undisclosed illness” or whatever people do right before “living in the celebrity rehab house” is listed next to their name. [People ]
2) Ryan Phillippe’s ex-wife will maybe, probably get married next weekend. The mother of Ryan Phillippe’s children will wed Hollywood agent Jim Toth at her Ojai Valley home. 100 guests are expected to attend, but it’s unconfirmed if Ryan Phillippe, who was once married to his Cruel Intentions co-star, will be in attendance. I imagine this is all Ryan Phillippe ever wanted throughout the duration of his marriage — acknowledgment for his copious achievements. (This is all snark. There is no love for n’er-do-actor, Ryan PeePee, as you guys call him.) [Radar]
3) If I were Anderson Cooper‘s peen, I’d be insulted that Playgirl is only offering $10,000 for pictures of me. You would think that the most highly coveted, closeted, collectible shot of a silver fox peni would at least get a cool $100,000. Right? Instead they’re offering ten grand to anyone who can get a naked shot of the Coop’s little coop. So Anderson, I’d maybe get a bouncer and a velvet rope for those intimate moments in the john. VIP takes on a whole new meaning. [Popeater]
4) As long as we’re talking about nakedness we should talk about Vanessa Hudgens‘ nakedness, or no, not ever at all. What goes on with these young people and all the random frequent nakedness? Is there an age that just says, “Now the entire world must see my boobs. It’s World Boobs day!” Does this happen? I think it does. So, stop it, young boob flashers. Joe Francis doesn’t need the validation. Thanks. [Popeater]
5) Eva Longoria is still crying over that spur in her hide. She says the break-up has been “hard,” “very hard.” I say buck up Eva, you’re amazingly hot and while I can’t encourage another season of Desperate Housewives, you can do better than a cheating ball player. Just ask all those other Basketball Wives on the VH1 Reality Cheetos channel. It’s like the graveyard of infidelity over on that show, but at least on yours, Teri Hatcher just falls down a lot. She does, right? Isn’t that show full of pratfalls and gardeners? [Allure]
6) Flipped their wigs. So the husband of Teresa Giudice of Real Housewives of New Jersey fame, Joe Giudice, got into some sort of brawl in the Dominican Republic along with the two sons of fellow cast member Caroline Manzo. The beat-down resulted in fractured limbs and lacerations of two patrons not connected to the show or the “Prostitution Whore” cast-mates. Hmm, Dominican Republic, Real Housewives of NJ, and a beat-down…is everyday an Al Pacino movie for this group?! Well, yes. [Radar]
7) This is just a weird one. What do you do when your baby mama, who’s also your brother’s baby mama, has been living in your mother’s house for nearly twenty years and it’s just dawned on everyone that this situation is a bit awwwwkward? Well, you try and get her evicted, naturally, because what you really needed is a little separation (years ago), and maybe not to have your kids be siblings and cousins all at once. Confusing. Well, this is what’s happening with Jermaine and Randy Jackson whose baby’s mama (plural) has been living in Katherine Jackson’s LA compound. [TMZ]
8 ) Rihanna is hashing out her daddy issues in the new issue of Vogue. She’s upset her father gave up details about her to the media. And to that I introduce you to Michael Lohan. It could always be worse. As an aside, girl has an awesome body, and the dress is to die…but not digging the Crazy Couture-a-Circus Ronald McDonald ‘do. Enough.[Vogue]
9) Soulmate of the Biebs, Selena Gomez, giggled her way through a Z100 interview where she discussed the hordes of haters who’ve cropped up due to their gummi-bear inspired coupling. She says, “It hurts, it really does. I don’t feel like I’m doing anything wrong.” Aww, Selena. Pout-face. Sniffle-giggles. It gets better. Wait until you break up and he starts dating Sean Penn’s current girlfriend, Scarlett Johansson! Yes, this is really happening. Ew. [Z100 New York ]
10) I can blame Ke$ha Zingbats for not having any talent, for having one of the most annoying songs ever recorded and played ad nauseum for an entire year, and for basically appearing out of nowhere and doing virtually nothing yet becoming inexplicably popular, but I can’t blame her for possibly making a poor bikini choice. After all, you get in that room with the florescent lighting with a few of your girlfriends and perhaps a little tequila to steel your nerves and you emerge with something people are too polite to say is horribly, terribly wrong for your body shape. It happens to the best of us. This is why Ms. Fingies takes her mother with her during the bathing suit trials. Moms always gives the truth…brutally. [Popeater]
[Top image via Entertainment Tonight]
Irony: Not drinking during the St. Patrick’s Day parade the day before to avoid a hangover, and your allergies wind up kicking your ass all day. I hope everyone in the library is enjoying me blowing my nose and/or sneezing every two seconds.
Okay, I’m dead. Volunteers for the rest of the week?
Hey, everybody, here’s your Crass Gossip for Wednesday. Enjoy.
So that’s our Hump Day. Very little sex involved. If you’re interested in collaborating with myself or Alluson, let us know in the comments if there’s a day you’d like to take or if you’d just like to throw some tidbits our way when you have them.
Edit by Alluson: Ms.Antropy has volunteered to do Thursday’s gossip, and the lovely ihatediamonds is covering Friday’s. Weekend duty is open!
