Welcome back to Dance Moms! You know you love it. For those of you who haven’t been watching, or are dealing with memory loss, we have a “Previously On” segment. Or you can read my recap. Everyone’s excited cause we’re all going to Ohio tonight! I have no idea why Ohio’s so exciting, until Abbey informs us that that’s where Candy Apples Dance Studio is! I wonder how Kathy’s doing? Is she still crazy? Did she ever cut Vivi-anne’s hair? Did Vivi-Anne ever grow a personality? Do we care? No! Cause we’re going to Ohio! The girls are way too excited to bring the smack down, especially Chloe, for some strange reason.
Abbey lines everyone up and brings on the Pyramid of Shame. On the bottom are Kyle from RHOBH, Chips, and Brooke, the homecoming queen. Nia’s in the middle cause her Principal Mom just doesn’t love her, and Chloe’s in the middle, just ’cause she’s Chloe. It’s the nature of things. Just like it’s the nature of Maddie to always be on top. Even when Chloe beat everyone that one time and really should be in a better studio. Abbey reveals the next dance, Bad Apples. I wonder if it has anything to do with Kathy’s studio? We’re informed that it’s a 1940’s pastiche/Katy Perry number. Somewhere, Kenley perks up and is REALLY excited for a minute. Note, there’s going to be a lot of “apple” puns going on in this episode. Just replace every other word with the word “apple” and you’ll have a basic idea.
Up in the Dance Mom’s Passive Aggressive Lounge, we find that Jill, who’s looking more and more like Not Kylie Minogue, says she’s uncomfortable with all this shaming going around (and lets us know that the reason why Kendel wasn’t dancing to Bring On the Men is because the music was switched at the last minute). The other moms are unimpressed. Brunette Mom drops that she’s been at this studio for 30 years, which might explain her frustration and her refusal to go somewhere else. Loyalty or legacy or something. It’s easier to get a new man then it is to get your daughter into Kappa Kappa Gamma, I suppose. The moms decide to haze Not Kylie into their little sorority by sending her into bitch to Abbey. I hope they do that one with the toothpaste and the feather next.
We switch to Ohio, where there’s so much to discover, and join the Candy Apples, who are trying REALLY hard to invoke the spirit of Martha Graham, who, oddly enough, is staring disapprovingly through the eyes of Vivi-anne. Kathy’s got a plan, and doesn’t notice that her daughter is now possessed, as well as developing a lisp. We see Kathy coaching her girls in “How Not to Move” as well as “How Not to Act on Stage.” Vivi-Graham isn’t impressed, so Kathy tells her to “Dance like you want a puppy” and then accidentally scratches her with her rings.
Back at the DMPAL, Blondie brings out a dance competition yearbook thing and rubs it in Not Kylie’s face. Not Kylie doesn’t care and everyone switches to the fact that they aren’t impressed with Abbey’s choice of costume. Everyone’s upset that Not Kylie is trying really hard for a gold star by finding costume parts, which is apparently a big no-no. Everyone complains about the costumes, cause that’s worked so well in the past. Brunette gets so frustrated by her lack of understanding of what a snood is that she marches into the dance studio to confront Abbey. Much yelling ensues as Brunette mom slinks back to the DMPAL, while Abbey makes “she’s drunk” motions with her hands.
Practicing is done and it’s time to head to Ohio! Bitch Mom and Not Kylie apparently went shopping, again, for Abbey. They’ve also been watching too much of the Style Channel, as their gift is one of Jeannie Mai’s cocktail rings. Abbey says that next time, they need to find her a husband. Everyone lets that sink in for a minute.
When the dance team gets to the hotel, they find that they’ve been invited to a “soiree” by Kathy. Everyone’s up for a party. Oh, and there’s little egg rolls! Classy! Kathy’s taken her good meds and is in full on sleaze ball mode. Unfortunately, the moms are not DTF and Kathy forgot her wingman, and the evening does not go well for anyone involved. Especially me.
We’re now backstage at the Wet n’Wild and Aqua Net hair and make-up salon. Abbey, who’s still smarting from walking around with a curler in her hair in the hotel lobby, is pissed that she wasn’t invited to Kathy’s assignation. She’s even more pissed that the snoods don’t match, and isn’t taking excuses. She finally gives Nia the dark one (cause… she’s the dark one), and has everyone else wearing the lighter ones. Problem solved!
Backstage, Kathy starts to schmooze up Kendel, who looks like she needs an adult. Bad Apples begins, and it’s boring as hell, complete with lots and lots of gymnastics and almost no understanding of swing dancing. I really can’t say anything more because one of the judges was wearing one of those teeny tiny chapeaus that I loathe, so I spent the rest of the dance staring daggers at his face. I think there was a chin strap, too. Chips ends up in an apple bucket with everyone posed around her. Cause, ya know. Apples. Candy Apples goes up with a “Spanish” number, complete with fans and lace ruffles. Vivi-Graham comes out with the son of Carrot Top to stare everyone down. Afterwards, everyone’s a birther and is concerned about the ages of Kathy’s dancers. Abbey thinks that they should win just because they’re better dancers. That sound you hear is the entire dance profession laughing.
Awards time! Kathy gets second. Abbey gets first. It’s almost like the producers knew they were on TV. Kathy’s upset and demands a recount.
We move to the solo numbers. Brooke comes out and does her Cirque du Soleil number with a glitter apple to a song sung by someone auditioning for Dead Can Dance. It’s supposed to be “The Garden of Eden,” but other than the apple, I don’t get it. Maybe that’s the point. Kathy’s Candy Apple does a dance called “Through the Looking Glass.” I have no idea what this song is, but the dance is the same dance that Julia Stiles does at the end of “Save the Last Dance.” Again, everyone, now including the judging panel, is questioning Kathy’s dancer’s age, and Kathy comes out with it. Rather easier then I expected. She turns things around, immediately, and calls out Brooke. Kathy’s like Teflon. It turns out that Brooke was born in 1998. Huh. I had lost my virginity by then. Way to make me feel old, Dance Moms!
Surprise, surprise, Brooke wins! Backstage, Kathy just can’t let it go and comes back to taunt? Tease? Something. I’m not sure what you call it when you cheat and you loose. There’s more yelling. Kathy calls Blonde Mom, “Nose” and insults her dress. Nose informs her that this is a Valentino Ralph Lauren and tries to act like Glinda. But she’s not. Besides, everyone knows that Glinda’s a ginger. Kathy leaves and we end there.
Next time! Brooke wants to join the cheerleading squad and there’s much drama! Kathy just can’t let it go and starts drunk texting the moms at 3 am, apologizing for all the nasty things she said, and can’t we give this another chance? Will they? We’ll all have to wait to find out. Until then, have a dancing day!
