the rich

Hello peasants! I thought you might be interested to know that ever since the earthquake hit Japan, the very rich have been getting very serious about looking into their options for survival should all this earth shaking signal the beginning of the end. 12/12/2012 is just around the corner, and a lot people seem to be betting that those crazy Mayans could be right.

Bunker-builders, of which there are far more than I imagined, have reported huge increases in sales of high-end shelters in the past few weeks. We’re not talking drab 50s fallout shelters with dull concrete walls and cans of tuna fish. We’re talking style. So that when the dust settles, those with enough money will emerge with gold ingots in hand, well-rested, well-fed and ready to repopulate the world.

If you’ve got the big bucks, a company by the name of Vivos has already started selling spaces for a group-style bunker in Nebraska that will provide relatively opulent autonomous living for 900 people for a full year. Below is a rendering of one of the common spaces, and you can check out their extremely creepy video here: Vivos 1012 Underground Shelter

If the apocalypse lasts longer than a year, of course everyone in there will be screwed, but for those first 365 days, “members” are assured access to such luxuries as a wine cellar, pet kennels, dental and medical facilities, private living spaces, even a bakery! The place is bigger than a Wal-Mart, but is free of those annoying seniors greeting you at the door.

And the Nebraska site is just one of a network planned around the United States.

The cost to secure your little piece of heaven buried deep under the earth will run up to $50,000 per person, depending on the location. All things considered, it’s not much if you really want to see what 2013 will look like.

But if you’re not into hunkering down with 899 strangers, a company called Hardened Structures offers underground condos that house up to 200 in a series of their “Genesis Pods,” also scattered around the states. If that’s not cozy enough, you can get something all your own: they recently completed a private 100-bed bunker in the Adirondacks for a mere $90 million.

What? Don’t have an extra $90 million lying around? Feeling left out? Not to worry, as even you can be saved. Those industrious folks at Popular Mechanics have researched an affordable low-cost alternative in an article titled “6 Safe, Strong – and Chic (!) – Bomb Shelters You Can Buy Now.” I don’t know about you, but I’m feeling totally reassured.

Here’s KI4U’s adorable “Mini Blast Shelter,” priced at a ridiculously low $3,200 (delivery and installation extra). I know most of you are already salivating, but if you’re hesitating for any reason, just picture your neighbors turning green with envy when they see this beauty being offloaded onto your front yard.

Although it’s nothing more than a modified section of road culvert, it arrives as the pic says, “ready to bury!” According to company owner Shane Connor, “it’s cramped and it’s uncomfortable. But when something nuclear happens, and it’s inevitable, it’s better than the alternative.”  I’m not so sure about that. If you’ve ever shared a small, enclosed space with my partner, the gaseous Mr. Karma, you might think otherwise. However, beggars can’t be choosers.

If you live in an apartment you’re shit out of luck, but lots of people with backyards in places like East Bumfuck seem to think something like this is a great idea.

Looks like fun, no? Don’t forget, Popular Mechanics says it’s chic, and they should know. Besides, peasants, it’s only $3200 and let’s face it: the only “wine cellar” you’re going to need is a place to put those bottles of white zinfandel you’ve got chilling in the fridge.

Note from BadKarma: If I can muster the energy, this will be one in a series of articles discussing ways I’ll be spending the PowerBall Megamillions I plan on winning in the not too distant future, apocalypse notwithstanding.