It’s Freaky Friday here on your favorite column about the past: Life, Death and Violence! What makes Freaky Friday different from any other day? It’s freaky! Like Jamie Lee Curtis and Lindsay Lohan switching bodies or Jimmy Johns’ delivery service, history just went insane today. Like, L. Ron Hubbard insane, so TGIF and let’s get through this together, step by step.*
LIFE! (Good idea: Anti-folk. Bad idea: Breaking up The Beatles)
- 1516: Queen Mary I of England: You’d think that as Catholics we’d be super into Mary since she reinstated Catholicism after the hedonistic, Protestant rein of Henry VIII. You’d be wrong. Why? Because.
- 1848: Louis Comfort Tiffany: Celebrities! They’re just like yesterday’s celebrities! What with the giving their kids weird names. At least the guy who founded Tiffany and Co. had the good sense to give his child an embarrassing middle name as opposed to a first name where everyone can see it and all. Lou was into glass blowing as opposed to silver, like his daddy, and, like any great artist from money, he spent a few years in Brooklyn honing his craft and drinking craft beer. He’s noted for redecorating the White House while not in the Important Political Role that is first ladydom. Glass! This is our favorite kind of glass:
We’re pretty sure Tiffany’s was involved in the creation of this rare type of glass.
- 1906: Hans Asperger: FUCK YOU BITCH. YOU’RE A FUCKING CHILD. I’m sorry, that was my asperger’s.** WHORE
- 1933: Yoko Ono***: The noted visionary, performance artist, destroyer of bands and media personality turns 78 today. Scream for Yoko! Scream for life! Scream for freedom! Scream for the future! Scream for Bungalow Bill! Just Scream! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Yoko Loves You. We Love You Back Yoko and We’ve Written You a Haiku
Yoko, Ann Liv Young has something to say to you****
- 1968: Molly Ringwald: She’s no Yoko, but the 80s teen dream stole our hearts and made us feel good about being a ginger. Funny lady!
- 1980: Regina Spektor: Regina, we need to talk. We love you. Soviet Kitsch is one of our favorite albums, but you’ve been shafted, girl. It’s Yoko’s day. We’re sorry. It’s not you. It’s us.
DEATH! (Yoko didn’t die today, so she can’t hog death, too. Sorry Yoko!)
Sorry Martin Luther and Kublai Khan! Someone else died today and we need to share some stories. There’s a joke we like to tell people that gets the occasional laugh: We’re sorry that we’re having such trouble with this piece x, but, you know, we’re young, tortured gay artists with ADD, you know, just like:
- 1564: Michelangelo: Michelangelo Buonarotti is, hands down, our favorite artist in the entirety of art history, and it’s not just because of his work which is beyond spectacular. The sculptor (and don’t you dare call him a painter. He signed the Sistine Chapel “Michelangelo, Sculptor”) was the driving force behind the Italian Renaissance and, as he got older, Italian Mannerism. We really encourage everyone to read as much as they can about Michelangelo, but we’d like to share a story about a man, his mother, and a leg.
Everyone knows Michelangelo’s Pieta. A serene sculpture housed in St. Peter’s Basilica, reluctantly signed only because it was being attributed to other artists. A critic of the day declared it a travesty, his main point that Mary looked far too young to be the mother of a thirty-three year old man. She looked to be in her twenties, he said. Michelangelo’s response? Virgins don’t age.
However, Michelangelo constructed a second Pieta that is far less known and, like many of his works (actually, all of his works with the exception of the Roman Pieta), is unfinished (yes, David and Moses are unfinished. We’ll get to that. Hold tight). This Pieta is a little unconventional as it is agreed upon by the art community to be a Pieta, but the composition is more similar to the Descent From the Cross. It is therefore occasionally referred to as The Deposition
Please take a second to think about what is wrong with this sculpture. Go on, we can wait. We’re just going to listen to a little Yoko while you do so.
Ready? Good. If you answered, Jesus is missing a leg, you’re correct, but before we get to why Jesus is missing a leg, it’s noteworthy to point out that the figure of Nicodemus (possibly Joseph of Arimathea) is widely thought to be a self-portrait. Michelangelo has inserted himself into the scene as the man who would prepare Jesus for burial. We think that reeks of egoism, but we’re pretty egotistical ourselves so it just gives us another reason to compare ourselves to Michelangelo despite zero sculpting ability.
Anyways, why is Jesus missing a leg? If you notice, it seems that the leg was draped over Mary’s thigh (his mother; Mary Magdalene is to his right (viewer’s left) and was sculpted by Tiberio Calcagni, not Michelangelo). Back in the 16th century, this particular position was considered heavily erotic and quite salacious. Upon recognizing that this is what he sculpted, Michelangelo started smashing the work, believing it to be evidence of potential incestuous lust for his own mother until he was held back by his assistants. They were able to mostly fix it, but not the leg. Michelangelo, even after his violent outburst, continued to labor over it until he discovered an impurity in the marble that had gone unnoticed. He gave the work to his servant who then sold it to a man who had it finished by Calcagni. Michelangelo worked on this piece for eight years.
As we had mentioned earlier, David was left incomplete by Michelangelo (it was later finished by some terrible curator whose name we forget). Michelangelo purchased the marble for David from another sculptor who had started work on a piece, but then decided he didn’t want to finish it. Michelangelo left a spot on the top of David’s head unfinished to honor that sculptor, until, as we mentioned, a curator noticed the rough patch and decided to finish it for Michelangelo.
Moses the sculpture is complete, but it’s part of a much larger mausoleum that was meant to sit in the center of St. Peter’s. Therefore, the artistic community considers it an unfinished work. It is currently housed at San Pietro in Vincoli where it is placed at the entirely wrong perspective. Both David and Moses are meant to be placed on high so that their grandeur can be felt. When placed on the ground, they look disproportionate and long.
VIOLENCE! (Good idea: Making love. Bad idea: Making War)
- 1846: Sic Semper Tyrannis! Peasants killed a lot of people in Poland while protesting serfdom. Serfdom was abolished two years later. See, Poland? Egypt does it peacefully and gets what they want in three weeks. Violence is not the answer! Make love, not war! Look at Joseph*****! In your fields! Calling for peace! Make love
with him, not war!
- 1878: SHOOT EM UP! ZING! BANG! POW! John Tunstall was murdered by Jessie Evans sparking the Lincoln County Wars in New Mexico. Jessie Evans disappeared two years later.
- 1983: Once again, we have a wackily named massacre. Today! The Wah Mee
Who Me?Massacre in Seattle. Thirteen people died and one guy got seriously injured (but was able to testify in the high-profile trial) by three guys wanting to rob an illegal casino in Chinatown. SHOOT EM UP! BANG! POW! CLINK! CLANK! DUN DUN! PRISON! - 1991: The IRA bombed Paddington Station and Victoria Station in London. Our favorite glass was not pleased.
OTHER NEAT THINGS THAT HAPPENED! (Good idea: Fighting Nazis. Bad Idea: Praising Xenu)
- 1861: Italy unifies and some guy named Victor declares himself King! No documents remain regarding his position on bunga bunga.
- 1943: The Gestapo begins arrests on members of the White Rose Movement, a group of non-violent/intellectual students who opposed The Third Reich. They were executed some time later and are now regarded as heroes of the Nazi Resistance.
- 1954: The first Church of Scientology opens in LA, begins their quest in recruiting fabulous celebrities in order to further their cause of letting the world know about Xenu and aliens and volcanoes and whatever it is that those crazies believe in.
- 1972: California repeals the death penalty!
- 1972: California reinstates the death penalty months later when putting it to the voters! California, repealing bad things and putting them back in place so as to maintain the status quo since (at least) 1972.
It’s been a fun week, cats, kittens and honey badgers! We’ll see you on Monday, and remember: YOKO! YOKO! YOKO! YOKO! Four for you Glen Yoko! You go Glen Yoko!
*We once had a dream where we were on a bridge with the cast of Step By Step and then we met a witch and the witch turned everyone in the cast to wax one by one. It was really scary. We were, like, seven and had accidentally slept on the Jafar side of our pillowcase instead of the Aladdin side which was totally the good dream side. CURSE YOU JAFAR!
**We do not have Asperger’s and as SixThirty noted, that was actually Tourette’s. This is why we don’t study psychology.
***WE LOVE YOU YOKO
****We were at that taping of Ann Liv Young’s Mermaid show and it was wild. That was the fifth time that they had to start over for the scene due to technical hiccups with the sound and the sheer animalistic tension and anger emanating from Ann Liv (performing as Sherry) was just exquisite. We were stunned, but we may just have a disaster fetish. She yelled at Claudia Larocco of the NYTimes for whispering to a friend during a break. It was phenomenal. A week later, she hit our friend in the head at the Party That Dare Not Speak Its Name with a ceramic necklace that was meant for Penny Arcade.
*****LaZiguezon: Hop on the JGL Bandwagon
Authors Note: I’m going to separate myself from the editorial ‘we’ here. I’d just like to thank everyone who’s read this feature in its inaugural week, especially those of you who have been so effusive in your praise for it. I wasn’t really over at Crosstalk because I never felt witty enough to be there (I was starred, but only because of a contest) and so it’s really great to be here with all these funny people, being able to write something that people seem to like. You’re all super and I’m really glad I was introduced to this amazing community. See you Monday. I refuse to put this much effort in seven days a week. xox
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