basketball

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How to Properly Nurture Your Duke Hatred

A hatred of Duke University and its White Blue Devils (I’m feeling nauseous already) burns deep inside of all right-thinking human beings. We are naturally repulsed by Duke to such an extent that it is now part of our natural evolutionary instincts. From the womb, we we enter this world already detesting Danny Ferry and Steve Wojochowski and (oh god, I’m going to vomit) Coach K.

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But while a low burning sensation is natural, a true Duke hater knows that he or she must refresh that hatred before each and every fresh NCAA tournament. Here’s a simple plan for how to really get yourself worked up with frothing, irrational, lovely Duke Hate:

1. Start by focusing on this year’s team.

You would think this one would be tough some seasons, but no. Literally every single season Duke fields a team full of various jagoffs, D-bags and other unlikeable goons and bozos. This year I recommend you spend a few minutes watching the thoroughly awful Plumlee Twins throw elbows and complain to the refs every time a call goes against Duke.

Good grief, extremists

2. Stare into the cold, dead, soulless eyes of Coach Mike Krzyzewski.

Do it for just a few seconds. Not too long, though, or you’ll be eternally raped by the ghost of J.J. Redick.

History's greatest monster

3. Reminisce about all the old Dukies you used to get so much pleasure from hating.

That’s the beauty of March Madness: It’s a great opportunity to fondly remember all those past seasons of hating Danny Ferry, Jay Bilas, Christian Laettner, Cherokee Parks (Oh god, I can taste the vomit trying  to come up), Bobby Hurley, Steve Wojciechowski, Jason Williams, J.J. Redick….. I could go on and on.

Sometimes around this time of year my dreams often involve a big honorary alumni game at Cameron Arena/Gymnasium Indoor Stadium that is attacked by a swarm of flying psychedelic sharks that kill everyone ever involved with the White Blue Devils. A boy can hope….

4. Read an intellectual takedown of Duke University.

This is always fun. Thanks to Duke’s irrepressible striving to be at the top of various magazine rankings and other superfluous bullshit, their overall creepiness always comes out upon close inspection. Witness Caitlin Flanagan (who is, I’ll admit, somewhat crazy herself) get worked up about the overall vibe of Duke while discussing the Karen Owens fiasco in a recent issue of The Atlantic Monthly:

In 2009, GQ magazine named Duke America’s second-douchiest college, a distinction that came with a caveat: “They’re probably number one. But we’d rather not rank Duke number one at anything.” It’s difficult to argue withGQ’s thinking on either score; something ugly is going on at the university—a mercenary intensity that has been gathering strength for the past two decades, as the institution made the calculated decision to wrench itself into elite status by dint of its fortune in tobacco money and its sheer ambition. It lured academic luminaries—many of them longer on star power than on intellectual substance—built a fearsome sports program, and turned its admissions department into the collegiate version of a head-hunting firm. (I was a college counselor at a prep school in the ’90s, and the zeal with which Duke gunned for our top students was unseemly.)

In some respects Duke has never moved on from the values of the 1980s, when droves of ambitious college students felt no moral ambivalence about preparing themselves for a life centered largely on the getting and spending of money. With a social scene dominated by fraternities and sororities (a way of life consisting of ardent partying and hooking up, offset by spurts of busywork composing angry letters to campus newspapers and taking online alcohol-education classes), with its large share of rich students displaying their money in the form of expensive cars and clothing, and with an attitude toward campus athletics that is at once deeply southern (this is a part of the world where even high-school athletes can be treated with awestruck deference by adults) and profoundly anti-intellectual, it’s a university whose thoughtful students are overshadowed by its voraciously self-centered ones.

SEE? THEY’RE A BUNCH OF RICH, DUMB, RAPEY PUNKS WHO WEAR BURBERRY AND DRIVE BMWS. NOTHING AT ALL LIKE MY SCHOOL!

5. Watch one of the many, many anti-Duke montage videos on YouTube.

The lower the production quality and more immature the jokes… the better.

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Crassballin’: How Not to Pick Your F*%#ing Bracket

Today is Christmas wrapped in the Super Bowl surrounded by endless waves of Kentucky Derby roses for gambling professionals, casinos, Hoboken wise guys, and offshore sports books. This is the day when the non-gamblers gamble, the day when grandmas, toddlers, the comatose and Nepalese Sherpas all gather round the television and fill out an NCAA basketball tournament bracket without knowing the difference between Duke and Duquesne or a chance in hell of actually winning the office, school or neighborhood pool. Continue reading

Ballin’ at the MIT Sloan Sports Conference

Right now, some of the brightest minds in Boston aren’t meeting to discuss nuclear research or an exit strategy for Afghanistan, but rather the concept of a “hot” shooter in basketball, whether there is such a thing as team chemistry, and how LeBron James will impact future labor negotiations.

Since 2007, the Sloan Sports Analytics Conference has attempted to bring the most innovative and thoughtful personalities in sports to discuss a wide range of topics. It has grown in popularity each year, mostly thanks to the attention given by perhaps the most famous sportswriter in the country, Bill Simmons. The conference attacks issues present in each sport, but I’m going to focus solely on basketball and some of the more interesting topics brought up.

At this time, the typical NBA fan looks at the box score on ESPN and sees the standard statistical measurements:  Points, rebounds, assists. But anyone who’s watched or played basketball for a long time knows that games are often won not just on big buckets, but on key defensive stops, proper spacing to run plays, or battling for loose balls. If you watch a telecast the announcers will most likely call all these things “intangibles” or “Team A wants it more than Team B.” Of course players are humans, and humans are prone to emotions such as laziness, or an intense desire to compete. But what if teams could quantify effort? What if they could measure how hard a player worked?

We’ll likely never achieve that Holy Grail of analysis but advancements like Adjusted Plus/Minus have shed new light on how lineups are constructed in the NBA and how we measure the effectiveness of so-called “specialists” like Shane Battier or Bruce Bowen. Instead of looking at numbers in a vacuum, we’re now seeing more teams embracing context This sounds rather simplistic, but both the people who run the sports teams and those who write about them for a living are notoriously slow to adapt.

Another interesting debate rose out of Malcolm Gladwell’s famous “10,000 hours” theory in relation to falling star Tracy McGrady, who at one time was one of the most dynamic players the league had ever seen. His former coach Jeff Van Gundy suggested that McGrady was somehow too skilled for his own good, which led to a decrease in practice time. In contrast, the practice habits of Ray Allen were brought up. The all-time leader in 3-point field goals made obviously spends a lot of time practicing jumpshots. But did you know that Allen practices so much that he’s capable of taking 1,000 jumpers at the exact same release point?

The most exciting (I use that term loosely) development for me was a presentation made by Sandy Weil. A number of NBA teams have enlisted the services of a company called STATS, LLC. They install a number of high-tech, 3D cameras in various arenas, which are then capable of capturing every movement on the basketball court and the exact location of each player. Spacing is key in basketball, whether it’s getting enough separation from a defender to take a jumpshot or creating passing lanes for cutters. This obviously affects the percentages of shot attempts, and not surprisingly the less space a player has to operate the less efficient he will be.

Another interesting find with these cameras is that the efficiency of catch-and-shoot (the bread8and-butter play of guys like Ray Allen and Reggie Miller) is much higher than almost every other shot. So while isolation-heavy guys like Carmelo Anthony earn a ton of superstar accolades, he isn’t necessarily an elite player because the bulk of his scoring comes in less than ideal situations (obviously he’s still really damn good). Also, shot attempts earlier in the shot clock go in at a higher percentage than those that come later. This correlates well with teams that force a lot of turnovers or play at a fast pace (Boston, Golden State, Phoenix).

The potential of this technology is vast. Teams could start charting shot percentages for their players in every situation and tailoring plays that maximize their strengths. For example, Warriors guard Monta Ellis is primarily thought of as a high-volume scorer who lacks traditional point guard skills. But shot attempts off his passes have a 60% success rate, so while he may not have great vision he is capable of breaking down defenses and creating good looks for his teammates. This is obviously just the surface of what was covered, but obviously without attending it’s hard to fully grasp the complexity of a lot of the topics. But it’s an exciting time for sports, or at the very least sports nerds.

Sex, Honor, and Basketball at BYU

BYU’s Brandon Davies, a 6’9″ 235-lb starting forward for the top five-ranked Cougars has been suspended for the remainder of the season for violating BYU’s strict Honor Code. Davies admitted to Brigham Young University officials that he and his girlfriend engaged in pre-marital sex. The suspension, announced Wednesday, will include the post-season conference and NCAA tournaments.

Davies had been averaging 11.2 points and 6.1 rebounds this year this for the Cougars and was a major force behind their 27-2 record and possible number-one seed in the tournament as well as a potential run to the Final Four. All that is in jeopardy now.

Thursday night, New Mexico dismantled the Cougars, 84-62, a possible sign of trouble to come for the suddenly undermanned BYU squad. Live by the Honor Code, die by the Honor Code.

“This is who we are, and most people that come to this school, hopefully all, understand that it is one of the reasons they come to BYU,” said Tom Holmoe, BYU’s Athletic Director, at a news conference following the suspension. “We understand that people across the country might think this is foreign to them, and might be shocked or surprised. But we deal with this quite often.”

The BYU Honor Code is a forbidding list of restrictions that every BYU student agrees to upon becoming a student. The Code applies to both Mormon and non-Mormon students.

“We believe in being honest, true, chaste, benevolent, virtuous, and in doing good to all men,” the Code states. “If there is anything virtuous, lovely, or of good report or praiseworthy, we seek after these things, the Honor Code states. It continues:

    • Be honest
    • Live a chaste and virtuous life
    • Obey the law and all campus policies
    • Use clean language, respect others
    • Abstain from alcoholic beverages, tobacco, tea, coffee, and substance abuse
    • Participate regularly in church services
    • Observe the dress and grooming standards
    • Encourage others in their commitment to comply with the Honor Code

      Although it may seem Draconian, at least one observer of college ethics supports BYU’s handling of the situation. “I give the school credit,” Donald McCabe was quoted as saying in The Salt Lake City Tribune. McCabe is a professor of business and writer on issues affecting higher education. “They laid out their rules, they were violated and they stuck to their guns. The student was forewarned and he knew what the penalty would be, and he took his chances.”

      While no definitive reports have yet surfaced as to how Davies was turned in to authorities, or even if he turned himself in, a variety of sources on Friday released the name of his girlfriend, Danica Mendivil, a volleyball player at Arizona State University, and like Davies, a native of Utah.  Early reports indicated Mendivil might be pregnant, which her family has since denied.

      Davies is part of a very small African-American contingent of blacks in the LDS church. As recently as 1978 the last formal bans were lifted against African-Americans who wanted to serve as bishops or in other LDS church leadership positions. Davies was born in Philadelphia and adopted by a white Mormon family who raised him in Provo as a member in good-standing of the LDS church.

      While no hard data is available, church observers have said African-Americans comprise less than one percent of LDS church membership.

      Image here.

      Whether Davies’ punishment was more severe because of the interracial nature of his and Mendivil’s relationship will remain speculative, but this is the second major Honor Code violation in two years to rock BYU athletics.

      In 2010, the Cougars’ all-time leading rusher Harvey Unga was kicked off the football team and withdrew from school for having a sexual relationship with Keilani Moeaki, a BYU women’s basketball player.

      Our National Nightmare is Over – Carmelo Now One of Three Remaining Knicks

      Praise LeBron. The story that refused to go away, sort of like Brett Favre but with players that weren’t washed up and likely to thwart their team’s best Super Bowl run in 12 years, is now over.

      Dikembe and the Technicolor Dreamjersey will look great on Lady Mutombo.

      Carmelo Anthony, whose wooing of and by the New York Knicks has been the center of attention all season in the NBA, is finally with his beloved team. His time with the Denver Nuggets was nearing an end anyway, so trading him made perfect sense for George Karl and co. Even considering the Knicks got a top 10 talent in ‘Melo, it seems like they gave up an awful lot to get him. Consider the concessions the Knicks had to make to get the deal done:

      • Parting with six players – Wilson Chandler, Raymond Felton, Danilo Gallinari, Timofey “Opulence, I has it” Mozgov, Anthony Randolph’s rap sheet, and the ghost of Eddy Curry
      • Shipping three draft picks and $6 million
      • Forcing Spike Lee to wear a Nuggets hat whenever Denver plays in New York
      • Knitting a huge throwback Nuggets jersey for the Statue of Liberty Statue of Mutombo complete with Dikembe’s voice repeating “WHO WANTS TO SEX MUTOMBO?” on a loudspeaker
      • 33rd St renamed Colfax Avenue and only hybrids and 4x4s are aloud to drive on it
      • Mark Sanchez now has to name his first born son with that 17 year old girl John Elway Denver Sanchez
      Stan, one of the other Knicks under contract in 2012.

      Assuming Carmelo signs a max extension, the Knicks currently have exactly four players under contract after next season – Carmelo and Amar’e Stoudemire (each making around $20 million), and two guys from the Bronx named Stan (making approximately $15/hr). Much like the NFL’s current labor troubles explained excellently by my colleague here, Stop Crying, There Will Be an NFL Season (Maybe),” the NBA is about to have a labor showdown of their own. The result will most likely be a much lower salary cap and much less flexibility for teams with multiple high-earners.

      Will it work out? Eh, maybe. It makes the Knicks completely relevant again (at least for the rest of this season and maybe next) but the window is short. Gambles like this almost always work out better for the superstar’s new home than their old one, but this may be the one case where the Nuggets got the better end of the deal.