It’s the final four, chickens. How do your brackets look? Are they busted or did you pick Duke to win it all? I’m not going to lie. This is the most insane season of Idol yet. It could be because I started watching 10 years ago and even though none of us have aged, and Yo Dawg has not expanded his vocabulary one syllable, the show has become the babbling, shoulder-tapping teenager outside the convenience store who just will not let up until he gets his 12-pack of Keystone.
As Seahorse tells us, the singtestants will sing a song that inspires them and one that Jimminy Cricket told them to sing written by some 90 year-old guy who no one has heard of. BUT! Don’t fret oh valued 18-25 audience, Lady Gaga will be there to convert more people into Little Monsters. And because those little wannabes who make it through to next week get to go home to rub their brief and newfound stardom in the faces of all the haters, they are really, really trying to make it through to next week. How did they do?
First song: Giant Baby Gay Kurt, the horrible, horrible collection of tattered leather, weather-worn bandanas and concert t-shirts really, truly thinks he’s a rock star already. Mr. Subtle As An Anvil to the Forehead decided to perform “Don’t Stop Believin.” Now, why would any Idolette sing a Journey song? Hmmmm. Maybe because Yo Dawg was in Journey 150 years ago? Yes, this walking Stephon skit polished up his nose real good last night in Randy’s tuckus. He couldn’t hit the high notes. Not at all. Not even with all the blood drained from his dangling left arm and forcing itself to the top of his straining vocal cords.
Second song: This guy is The Spinal Tap. Yeah, throwing your mic stand while singing “Love Potion No. 9,” yes, this one. is daring. It’s risky. It’s hawt. Lol wut? Again, playing the “I’m already a rock star!” card, he sent dogs running and people into seizures with his screeching of this once innocent little ditty. And what is with all that face twitching at the end of his performances? Do we know? It’s like his face is trying to run away after the trauma if hearing him scream-sing. Jenny from the Dump will be the first in line to buy a ticket to his show, stomping over little children with her Venus legs and Louboutains.
First song: Boy they reeeeeally don’t like this Haley girl. You remember her, right? The one that confronted you in the girls bathroom about how she was going to take your boy-crush to prom and there was not a hot damn thing you could do about it? Yeah, her. Except for the Old Lady who Ryan, in his ever slick ways said “Here’s what moooooovesssss, Haley” and then stood behind Tyler and double finger-gunned in his direction as he said that. Seacretin, you sly devil. It’s like second grade on that judges panel. The talking heads’ response to her first song, Michael motherfucking Jackson’s, “Earth Song”, was so divisive that gworl had her “Bish, please” face on with a quickness. Jenny, sporting her best denim catsuit and rhinestone hoops came hard at Haley. “This is not the kind of song I envision playing while cursing out my rat-like husband!” Yo Dawg went right for the jugular and you can tell Haley just hates him, or pities him. Not to worry, though. Guess who came to her defense while perched all spread- legged and big lipped? “It was BEEEEEUUUUUUUUTIFUL. Everyone else can shut up. SHUT UP! Now come sit on my collagen lips.” Ew.
Second song: Of all the songs in the world, how often do we hear the same song performed year after year on Idol? This was the case with Haley and “I Who Have Nothing,” or some such drama llama song. Darling, Jordin Sparks basically won the competition when she sang this song. Haley and her Jersey Shore hair and prom dress and fake drama (she really is the second coming of Mariah, isn’t she?) had nothing on Jordin’s sincere and moving delivery. No matter, the talking heads practically fell over themselves to compliment Haley on her “comeback.” The judges started kissing the arses of little never-has-beens? This is the problem with this season. The judges are vying to be “Most Popular” in high school instead of seasoned industry insiders trying to find the next star. This better be the last season of Idol. Or the world better end on May 21st. Whichever. So long as this is the end of the show.
First song: Whatever drag queen from whence Trisha Yearwood, Jr.’s dress came is cackling in her size 11 shoes right now. She sang Martina McBride’s song well enough. Ugh, this season may as well be Nashville’s Next Star. Unlike Simon, I’m a fan of some country music but for half of the night to be filled with the most Velveeta-laden twang is just hard on the ears. And honey? Don’t say thank you like you just sang at the state fair, especially when no one has started clapping yet.
Second song: I know Little Lauren Alaina is only 16 but this girl says that she doesn’t want to say the word “evil” but chooses a song that requires her to say “evil” literally 956 times. Literally, she said that word 956 times. Gaga told her to relax. Imagine having Lady Gaga tell you to chill out? What must you be doing for that to happen? Bad things. Very bad things. Speaking of…
First song: I think we know who Seacretin’s secret crush is this year – it’s “Scotty the Body.” Um, what? If there is something, one single thing, that I have tried to avoid doing this season it’s think of Scotty’s body. I’m pretty sure that with his pre-pubescent looks, doing so would result in Chris Hansen showing up on my doorstep. Can someone hold my hair while I puke? Scotty decided, like a good American, to invoke September 11th with his first song. I fuckng ser. Shameful. Did you see his parents? Did the Repulican party get ahold of this kid and already brand him with a fucking campaign logo? I have some feeling about this. You can probably tell.
Second song: I guess he’ll be part of the Log Cabin Republicans because when Gaga told him to imagine that the mic was his girlfriend, homeslice just about fell out – not that there’s anything wrong with that. Really, she told him to stick his tongue down the mic and he was six shades of red. I see you, Gaga. Scotty came out justa winking and a smirking and a skipping and the judges just melted into a pile of steaming, stinky goo. Can I get hazard pay for having to watch this show and listen The Old Lady say: “You made Gaga’s yaya go lala.” Still puking!
Bottom: Jacob Lusk and Lauren Alaina
UPDATE:
I have a confession: I have never really watched the Three Stooges walk out before. Now that I have, I consider it an instinctual protection that my brain engaged because I will be forever haunted by Old Lady Paula’s legs. How is it that Tyler propels himself forward on those toothpicks? They are unsettling.
We begin….with filler. Each of the Idolettes are shown Skyping with assorted family members and animals. “Ded yew tayake mah dawgs an git them shayaved,” asked baby Tanya Tucker of her brother BillyBob. Thank you, Idol, for sharing these special, special moments with us.
We’re back! Dim the lights, bring on the twinkly music: who gets to go home first (home meaning good, not home meaning bad), isssssssssss LAUREN ALAINA! I told you! I totally predicted that this evil package of twang, twine and Twizzlers would be going home. That’s settled. What can we do next to drag this out? How about if we watch the Idolettes watch Gaga watch the people at her big NYC concert watch her. I think that means that Seahorse is behind me, doesn’t it? What with everybody having their eye on each other, it’s definitely not just You and I (sawry).
Gaga really is a force of nature in the performance department. She can play while standing on the bench, legs spread, completely bent over with Madonna on her back wearing a bullet-boobed bustier. She was really was a very good mentor to the peons. She’s only TWENTY-FIVE and has been touring for 10 of those years but stopped through with her pal Jimminy to school these Hollywood neophytes. That’s purdy cool.
Who’s next up in the lurching, disjointed, hour-long commercial? Enrique Iglesias. This is a teaching moment so move closer, kids. If you are NOT lucky enough to have relative good looks (even if you are small enough to fit into a Birkin bag) and have a very famous father, you end up on Idol. If you ARE lucky enough to have those two things, you might be Enrique Iglesias.
One of my favorite things in life (seriously), is when “artists” come on Idol and LIP-SYNCH in the way that two did tonight. Without naming names, I will say that none of them are Lady Gaga. I should be thankful that Mr. Kournikova didn’t sing because he sounds like a Bassett Hound that got his tail stuck in the door.
Back to the dimmed lights…aaaaand Haley is going to the final three! Whoop-ditty-doo! The ladies are getting their revenge late in the game after being picked-off like yesterday’s fruit. I’m glad that we will not have to see the wrath of The Old Lady.
So it came down to the last two boyz, which one would go home and which one would go home with Seacretin? Mr. I’m Already a Rock Star was not comfortable at all. He saw the professional campaign signs last night and the writing on the wall. He knew deep down in that cavernous, vacuous gullet of his that he was a goner. And he was. Camera flash to Haley just with zero reaction. Ha! She just knows her place in this little contest, doesn’t she?
Now, what is WITH these totally lack of self-awareness people? I mean, for real. Durbin thinks he has done something on this stage that has never been done before? No, you didn’t. In fact, there were plenty who came before you who did what you did – Bo Bice, Adam Lampert, Constantine Bedroomseyes, the executive director who fell of the stairs in rehearsal and screamed in horror at her gashed leg. With that, he entered the rarified skies of Jacob Lusk self-importance.
Well, this train is finally pulling into the station. We only have two(?) weeks left before we see if America is still America. I can’t wait (but not for the reasons you think).